Looksmaxxing Metalhead Purposely Fractures His Cranial Bones To Reshape Skullet

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — Metalhead and self-proclaimed looksmaxxer Owen Reynolds used a hammer to break several of his cranial bones in the hopes that it would reshape his skullet, sources report.

“I know this is a little extreme, but I’m getting desperate,” Reynolds said. “I’ve already tried other looksmaxxing methods, like suctioning my tongue to the roof of my mouth to improve my jaw structure, and wearing my ‘Butchered at Birth’ shirt less often so I wouldn’t scare girls away, and nothing’s working. I’m starting to think the issue is my skullet, as I’ve noticed that it’s a little lopsided. I figured shattering my sphenoid and temporal bones would get it back to a more symmetrical, congruent shape that will attract more members of the opposite sex. It’s too early to tell now, especially because I’m really dizzy and in a lot of pain, but I hope this works.”

Reynolds’ friend Chuy Ramos was skeptical of his friend’s decision.

“I just don’t think Owen needed to resort to this,” Ramos said. “I told him he doesn’t have to get this extreme, and if he just made some minor behavior changes, like showering or wiping off his glasses every once in a while, he’d be a little more presentable. Hell, if he just shaved off his hair entirely he’d probably have better results, because I imagine the vast majority of women would prefer a bald head to a nasty, wispy skullet. He could even just give up on looksmaxxing altogether and focus more on being a cool, funny guy to be around. Just a thought.”

Online streamer and looksmaxxing influencer Braden Eric “Clavicular” Peters was proud that he had broken through to the world of metal.

“I applaud Owen for having the balls to engage in this type of hardmaxxing,” Clavicular noted. “I’ve seen some pictures of him, and once his cranial bones heal he will look like a total chad. If not, he can always register in my looksmaxxing course where I’ll teach him to use anabolic steroids and crystal meth to ensure he stays both ripped and cut, and it’ll only cost him $50 a month. I predict he’ll become a total alpha if he does this, and he won’t even need to throw out his ratty Megadeth hoodie.”

At press time, Reynolds had also shattered his kneecaps to better accentuate the way they look in cargo shorts.

Food Network Introduces New Show ‘Bring Bobby Flay To Full Orgasm’

Posted on by Matt Kennedy

NEW YORK — The Food Network recently greenlit a new show called “Bring Bobby Flay To Full Orgasm,” citing a desire to “get Iron Chef Flay out of the kitchen and into the bedroom,” confirmed sources. 

“The show centers around the Food Network star and aspiring chefs who are horned up in various cities,” said Food Network President Betsy Ayala. “If they can get Flay to have a full and complete orgasm within 30 minutes they win $15K and a chance to start their own food truck. The catch? Bobby is one of the toughest nuts to crack and he struggles with erectile dysfunction. And just a heads up that Guy Fieri’s new show will be debuting immediately following Flay’s, which is called ‘Diners, Drive-Ins, and Double Penetration.’” 

News of the show has Flay fans around the country swooning. 

“I never know what to expect when it comes to Bobby Flay, but when I heard he was going to be having full-blown orgasms every week on camera I just couldn’t contain my excitement,” said Marilyn Kempsworth, founder of Moms For Bobby Flay. “Every week me and the other mothers in the neighborhood get together, make quesadillas and watch episodes. Some of us watch topless, some of us lather ourselves in avocado oil. It’s a hoot! I can’t even imagine how hard it is to make Bobby climax in front of a live studio audience.”

Flay was excited for the spinoff program.

“We needed audiences to see a different side of me, Bobby Flay, one that they wouldn’t forget,” said the celebrity chef. “I know Food Network tried other sexual programming in the past. In 2016 they tried running ‘Masturbation Minute with Morimoto’ and in 2018 they did a completely nude season of ‘Chopped.’ Those programs didn’t survive because they didn’t involve me. Everybody knows I fuck as hard as I cook, so when I had my first orgasm on camera in episode 1, I knew we had a hit on our hands. Now if you’ll all excuse me, I’m going to crank one out.”

At press time, after the success of Flay’s new show, the Food Network executives were seen attempting to coerce Gordon Ramsay into starring in a raunchy sex-based cooking show of his own.

Heartbreaking! Man’s Sex Playlist Officially Becomes Masturbation Playlist

Posted on by Kyle Donley

Fans of Chris Weir’s Spotify profile were in for quite the shock when Chris’ long-dormant sex playlist, “SeXXX PLaYLiST”, was officially retitled “TIME TO MASTURBATE” over the weekend with no prior notice whatsoever. 

Compiled back in 2011, the former sex playlist serves as a pitch-perfect time capsule to a simpler era when Chris assumed he’d be getting laid frequently enough to necessitate having a soundtrack for the occasion. However, at 39, the not particularly attractive or personable pet store employee has finally set some more realistic expectations for his playlists.

While masturbating to music is certainly unconventional, Chris seems to have no problem pumping away to tunes that were intended to arouse an adult woman from 2011. We may never know if he actually finds the music sexy or if this is more of an unhealthy, psychological cuckholding from a fantasized life unlived, but one thing is clear — Chris is pleasuring himself to the point where he feels it’s necessary to retitle a playlist from 15 years ago.

While that fact may add some unsettling connotations to the playlist for some listeners, the track listing and sequencing itself have remained entirely intact since its inception on Easter Sunday 2011. Overall, the set is an enjoyable listen that’s fairly consistent with the Spotify-generated Late ‘00s Indie Vibes playlist with a handful of anachronistic and way-too-on-the-nose additions like “Sexual Healing” and “Let’s Get It On”, both by Marvin Gaye and sequenced back-to-back. In hindsight, it’s clear to see why chicks wouldn’t necessarily want to fuck to something like this, though, with its target demographic landing somewhere between Urban Outfitters and autistic. 

However, when we reached out to Chris to comment, he seemed way less concerned with his virginal lifestyle than with the discovery that his Facebook account is linked to his Spotify account, with settings that alert his Facebook friends anytime he makes or modifies a playlist. Nonetheless, Chris remains resourceful throughout it all, deciding that when life hands you a sex playlist, just make sex with your hand. 

The Sphere to Use Cutting-Edge Technology to Help No Doubt Fans Forget Who Gwen Stefani Likely Voted For

Posted on by Alyson D’Lando

LAS VEGAS — Engineers at the Sphere in Las Vegas are reportedly using state-of-the-art technology to help No Doubt fans forget that lead singer Gwen Stefani is questionably MAGA during the band’s residency, confirmed sources. 

“The Sphere features cutting-edge next-generation technology including the world’s highest resolution LED display and most advanced concert-grade audio system,” said lead engineer Brian Howell. “This venue has been specifically designed to allow audiences to forget that the lead singer of an all-time favorite band of theirs could have MAGA ties. Now that we’ve been successful with No Doubt, maybe we can get Eric Clapton fans to forget that he’s anti-vax? Or Harry Potter fans to forget that J.K. Rowling is a rabid TERF? The sky’s the limit.”

While Stefani has never confirmed her political affiliations, fans have been quick to notice the conservative undertones of her personal brand, particularly since her relationship with country star Blake Shelton began over 10 years ago.

“It takes a lot of cognitive dissonance to accept that this bland person with Mar-a-Lago face is the same woman who was so unbelievably cool in the ‘90s,” said Amanda Highland, a 43-year-old die hard fan who plans to travel from Chicago for the show. “Best case scenario would be that she’s truly apolitical and doesn’t vote. This would be disappointing, but not voting at all would obviously be preferable to voting for well, you know. But I still love the band as a whole and all of the old music so I’m really looking forward to seeing if the 360-degree visuals and state of the art sound system can help me forget that she partnered with an anti-abortion Christian prayer app last year.” 

Official spokesperson for the Sphere Kate Dunn has confirmed that it’s part of the mission of the venue to gamify nostalgia for profit hard enough to fool fans into believing that their heroes might not suck.

“We here at the Sphere have been welcoming No Doubt fans old and new to this one-of-a-kind immersive experience,” said Dunn. “This type of content-first entertainment is truly unprecedented and if we’re successful in allowing Gwen’s fans to briefly forget about her refusal to apologize for bouts with cultural appropriation or that time she retweeted a Tucker Carlson interview, we’ll consider that mission accomplished.”

At press time, No Doubt announced plans to extend their run through the end of the year in hopes fans would forget about Stefani’s Harajuku Girls era entirely.

Old Nudes Used to Check Suspicious Moles

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

KANSAS CITY — Local man and occasional nudist Ry Karter dusted off some of his old naked photos to check if some suspicious moles had gotten larger or darker, confirmed sources.

“I just got out of the shower when I noticed a questionable, slightly irregular mole on my thigh. And while I don’t have health insurance, I do have an encrypted folder chock full of dick pics. So I figured, why not review those and compare?” said Karter. “It’s been a long time since I’ve looked at any of my old cock shots. It was sort of a nice trip down memory lane. Cringing at some of my more ‘artsy’ attempts at erotica. Or regretting not chubbing up a bit more before hitting send on a few of them. But ultimately it gave me peace of mind knowing that mole looks the same now as it did 12 years ago. It’s just the rest of me that got pudgier.”

Ex-partner Harper McDonough expressed their frustration after Karter asked them for medical advice.

“I haven’t talked to Ry in eight years. Since then I’ve gotten married and became a parent. So the last thing I ever expected to receive was a text from him if I’ve got any of the old nudes he’d sent me,” said McDonough. “Understandably, I was pissed. But before I could tell him so and block his ass, he asked if I ‘remember this mole’ from when we were hooking up, then he sends me a new pic. My partner just so happened to see the message when it arrived. But he wasn’t even pissed. Turns out this has awoken some kind of cuck fetish in him, and now I got this whole other dynamic in our relationship I gotta deal with now. So thanks alot, Ry.” 

Dermatologist Dr. Andrew Mercer has noted more and more of his patients sharing unsolicited nudes.

“With each passing year, I’ve noticed an increase in patients sharing pics of their backs arched and their asses spread, asking if this spot on their shoulder is something to worry about. Is it insanely inappropriate? Yeah, but honestly, it does make my job easier,” said Mercer. “The one thing I will say to most of my patients, besides recommending they wear sunblock, is introduce some variety in your dick pic angles. Also, stop squeezing the base of your dong like it’s a toothpaste tube. You’re not tricking anyone into thinking it’s bigger than it is.”

At press time, Karter is spamming Grindr, r/r4r, and other hookup sites for free medical advice.

As the Mayor of This Town That’s Outlawed Dancing, I’d Like To Clarify That Our View on Sodomy Is Surprisingly Progressive

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Listen, bud. I don’t know how things are done in Chicago, where you’re from, but here in small-town Utah, we have a little thing called piety. That means we show respect for ourselves as well as our brothers and sisters in Christ, and we certainly don’t deface said respect by dancing. Dancing is the devil’s tool that he uses to unleash all manners of debauchery and iniquity into our simple, God-fearing community, and it will simply not be countenanced here. However, with that being said, our view on sodomy is surprisingly progressive. As far as we’re concerned, you can do that to your heart’s content.

Do you want to engage in non-procreative penetrative acts with consenting partners using either your genitals, digits, or any number of stimulative toys? We are completely fine with that. However, trying to introduce dancing to our sons and daughters by driving them to a bar across state lines is met with the wrath I have purposely designated for Lucifer’s unholy minions. If you leave our town’s borders to dance, you had best not even bother reentering, even if it’s to have anal sex with one or more of our citizens, which, as I’ve established, is a perfectly acceptable activity that nobody takes umbrage with, and is even encouraged. 

Oh, you intend to publicly advocate for revoking our anti-dancing law by taking your cause to the town council? That’ll be a huge mistake, boy, and will likely culminate in a brick inscribed with the words “BURN IN HELL” being thrown through your window. I strongly recommend you don’t even bother, and instead expend this energy on oral infiltration, mutual anilingus, and recreational vaginal sex with my daughter, so long as she’s up for it. I’d hate for you to corrupt her with your sinful predilections towards immoral and lascivious hip movements along to contemporary rock music. The mere thought of my little angel being subjected to that is more than I can bear, and the fury you will see if the thought even crosses your mind will be something your city mind can’t even begin to comprehend.

So feel free to avail yourself of any wholesome, non-dancing activities our beautiful town has to offer, such as church, religious-themed television programming, and internal insemination without the explicit goal of reproduction. This place is a beautiful little piece of purity in the middle of a country that’s been befouled by the unholy stink of the Evil One, and I’d like to keep it that way.

Man Renews Gym Membership on Off-Chance He Becomes Completely Different Fucking Person

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Derek Nolan reportedly renewed his gym membership Monday on the off-chance that he suddenly becomes a completely different fucking person, explaining that it’s important to be prepared in case he inexplicably turns into the kind of adult who takes basic care of themself, sources confirmed.

“I just think it’s smart to have it ready,” Nolan said while authorizing a recurring yearly charge for a facility he has not entered in nearly 18 months. “You never know when you might wake up one day with discipline, self-respect, and a genuine desire to do something other than sit in a dimly lit room eating Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos and scrolling through YouTube while rewatching season 1 of ‘The Pitt.’ And if that day comes, the last thing I want is for some silly logistical issue to stand in the way of the new me.”

Nolan’s friend Marcus Bell said the decision was a sensible precaution.

“It honestly makes total sense to have the membership in place ahead of time,” Bell said. “Because imagine how awful it would be to suddenly, for no clear reason, become consistent, motivated, physically active, and deeply committed to personal growth, only to realize you have nowhere to go. At that point you’d be scrambling to compare plans, tour facilities, and figure out parking, when you should really be focusing on your incredible overnight transformation into a man who enjoys waking up early and owns resistance bands. I just wish I had the motivation to be prepared that he has.”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Rachel Kim explained that removing practical barriers can be critical to supporting these sudden, inexplicable changes in identity.

“Many people maintain gym memberships as infrastructure for the person they may one day instantly become,” Kim explained. “It’s a practical way of preparing for a sudden, complete shift in temperament, priorities, and daily habits. By taking care of the logistical side in advance, people ensure that when they abruptly become someone deeply committed to self-improvement, there’s nothing standing in their way. Having the monthly fee, key fob, and access to a squat rack already handled can make a sudden total reinvention much more achievable.”

At press time, Nolan was reportedly celebrating this first step in his new fitness journey by rewarding himself with delivery and deciding he would start going Monday.

Hungover Man Emerges From Bender With 23 New Streaming Subscriptions

Posted on by Sinead Rose

BOSTON — Local 34-year-old Dan Stanton emerged from a 48-hour alcohol bender with 23 new streaming subscriptions, sources confirmed. 

“I used to wake up from benders the old-fashioned way: with chlamydia,” stated Stanton, still sweating vodka from every pore. “I’d party at nightclubs, snort coke off urinals, and wake up in an alley in a pool of my own barf with my wallet gone. Ah, those halcyon days of yore. I’ve gotten so square in my 30s. Now I just stay home with a half-gallon of Popov and stream old sitcoms. But every damn show I wanna watch is on a different streaming service, most of which I’ve never heard of and completely forget about by morning. It’s kinda like waking up with my wallet gone, except then it keeps getting stolen once a month for the rest of my life. By the way, it is way too bright in here. And would you pass me that Pedialyte?” 

Local bar owner Tina Michaelson reports that her clientele has declined significantly with the rise of binge-watching.

“People say they drink at home to save money, but then they end up buying all these damn subscriptions, completely defeating the purpose,” stated Michaelson. “Come to my bar instead, you antisocial pricks! Get out of your house, make a friend, blow a stranger in the bathroom. I promise it’ll be more entertaining than your 37th re-watch of ‘Gilmore Girls.’” 

Nolan Gibbons, CEO of obscure streaming service SkeevTV, explained that cases such as Stanton’s are vital to his business model. 

“Oh yeah, 87% of new subscriptions are a direct result of alcoholic amnesia,” said Gibbons. “Sales decline during Dry January but remain pretty steady the rest of the year, peaking in November and December when people have to deal with their families. We’re a small company, so we can’t afford huge marketing campaigns. We have to target ads on sites we know drunk people are already going to: food delivery apps, eBay, crisis hotlines… We even started posting up outside AA meetings with free bottles of bottom-shelf liquor stamped with a QR code to our site. Business school 101, my friend: location, location, location.”

At press time, Stanton was curled up in a vomit-encrusted blanket, still trying to find a service that has all 11 seasons of “Happy Days.”

Famous Movie Curse? Everyone From ‘Poltergeist’ Is Now Craig T. Nelson

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

Few films have inspired as much lasting terror and unease as the 1982 horror classic, Poltergeist. But audiences have long been haunted not just by what appeared on screen, but by what happened behind the scenes.

For decades, there has been a dark mystique surrounding the film, which makes sense. Supernatural horror is ripe for rumors and speculation. However, as facts about the film’s production and release have come to light, the popular “urban myth” has become harder to explain away, with so many cast and crew meeting the same eerie end. Every individual connected to the film all appear to be the victims of a curse and are now, or soon will be, Craig T. Nelson.

You couldn’t be blamed for chalking up a few seemingly unrelated incidents here and there to random chance. It’s not unprecedented to have a Craig T. Nelson during filming. But after the fourth or fifth, it doesn’t look so random anymore, does it?

So-called “movie curses” are nothing new, of course. On-set mishaps on dozens of films have reached the tabloids, including accidents during the production of ‘The Wizard of Oz’, actor and crew deaths following the release of ‘The Exorcist’, and the continued career of Oscar-winning child rapist, Roman Polanski, which is assumed to be related to Rosemary’s Baby somehow. But no other curse can compare to ‘Poltergeist’.

What’s even scarier is that this curse doesn’t appear to be limited to the principal cast. Supporting actors, crew members, caterers, this guy Paul, you name it, any individual even peripherally connected to the production have all turned up Craig T. Nelson.

Even more alarming are rumors that the curse is no longer confined to the production itself. There has been a recent increase in reports of people who merely handled Poltergeist-related materials winding up Craig T. Nelson.

Which begs the question: Does simply watching ‘Poltergeist’ put you, and everyone you know, at risk? Does the real question become not how many will be Craig T. Nelson, but if any one of us will be spared?

Experts studying the phenomenon stress that there is currently no evidence to suggest that reading about the curse can result in Craig T. Nelson. But who knows? Maybe I just fucked you over by writing this article, and by reading it, you’ve doomed yourself. I don’t know. I don’t know if sharing this article with at least ten people will prevent it, and I don’t know if not sharing it is worth the risk.

Democrats Divided on How to Not Respond to GOP Gerrymandering Wins

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Democratic leaders are torn on what tactics to use in order to best not respond to last week’s Virginia Supreme Court ruling, which virtually guaranteed a GOP victory in a redistricting war that began earlier this year, sources within the DNC have confirmed. 

“We could kneel in front of the Capitol steps in front of a pride flag or something,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (CA-11), who has emerged as an influential voice in the party, despite her decision to step down from leadership in 2023. “Oh, or maybe the rotunda. We got, like, a billion views or something when we did that during that one protest, right? If we earmark a few million dollars for a marketing campaign, they could probably photoshop some other flags and, like, the statue of liberty being handcuffed or something like that.”

Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (NY-8) has a very different vision for how Democrats can momentarily appear to step up at this historical crossroad.

“What we need now is real non-action. I’ll deliver a scathing ten-hour speech vaguely referencing how we need a return to normalcy in our government. We can get an absolute ton of cameras and have a bunch of other Democrats stand behind me and make mean faces when I talk about Republicans. Then, I’ll end it by talking about several political norms and unspoken rules that we’re the only ones decent enough to respect as we lose seats to undemocratic gerrymandering!”

Sen. John Fetterman (PA), sporting an “I speak fluent SARCASM” graphic t-shirt, offered his own take on the DNC’s non-future. 

“The big thing we need to remember as this party prepares to respond to the moment is that I smell burning toast and my brain is all confused. Democrats go too far sometimes!”

In light of the redistricting, minority leader Chuck Schumer has renewed his pledge to call Trump a “taco” until such a time that he can retire with a semblance of dignity.