ICE Agent Getting Impatient With Leniency Towards the Irish and Italians

Posted on by Jose Balderas

NEW YORK — Newly minted ICE agent Jake Barnes was overheard complaining about the agency’s ongoing leniency towards Irish and Italian residents, confirmed sources.

“It’s not even about meeting our daily quotas but I just think we’ve gone too far ignoring the fact that there are tons of Irish and Italians running around this city who think they belong here!” said Barnes while eating a calzone at O’Sullivan’s Pub. “They want us to clean up America but our pool of candidates to pick up off the street is diminishing. We can only keep picking up the same Puerto Ricans until management thinks we’re slacking off! What happened to the America that also saw the Irish and Italians as unwelcomed? That’s the America I want to get back to!”

Coworker Rodolfo Barrera believes Barnes is being influenced elsewhere.

“Since he joined the agency a month ago he always wants to talk about ‘Peaky Blinders’ and asks everyone if we’ve seen it,” said Barrera. “But none of us have and he keeps talking about how we need to beat up the Irish and Italians like on that show but when we asked him why they do it he said he’s only seen the previews. He’s actually really good at stopping people of color but you can tell he’s not enjoying it. He threatens everyone with deportation back to Dublin which, honestly, sounds like a reward more than a punishment.”

Department of Homeland Security recruiter Jennifer Luera detailed how they try to prevent an agent from disobeying orders.

“We have lots of agents who are very eager to go above and beyond their required duties currently assigned and while we love the motivation to clean up America we don’t suggest they go outside of their current missions,” relayed Luera. “Historically, our agents aren’t well-equipped to fight anyone of Irish or Italian descent so they have strict orders to only question and detain anyone at least 10 years older than them, preferably female, and ideally too old to put up a fight. Our insurance package will not cover injuries sustained while on the job and we have no doubt they would lose a fistfight 9 times out of 10.”

At press time, Barnes was seen releasing an undocumented Canadian from custody after confirming with another ICE agent that Canada is in the United States.

What, So Carving “Slayer” Into Your Forearm Is Normal, but Carving “Toad the Wet Sprocket” Isn’t?

Posted on by Steve Packosky

The nineties were a great time as far as iconic rock tunes were concerned. We couldn’t turn on our radios without being bombarded with catchy choruses over major-chord arpeggios, and we were better off for it. There’s no shame in being a die-hard follower of our favorite bands of the era, which leads me to wonder why carving “Slayer” into your forearm is normal, but carving “Toad the Wet Sprocket” isn’t.

Seriously, double standard, anyone? Why do thrash metalheads get a free pass to act self-destructively while alternative rock fans are expected to comport themselves in a more socially acceptable manner? Just because I’m not as enthused to air guitar the solo to “The Antichrist” doesn’t mean I’m not a music nut who’s willing to spill blood to show his fandom.

Speaking of which, this is a lot of blood. Maybe I should’ve been a little safer and gone with an acronym instead of the full band name? At the very least, it would’ve probably been a good idea to clean the knife before putting it to my skin. Just grabbing a dirty one out of the sink was admittedly a rookie move. I have no fucking clue what this thing was just used on, but it must’ve been something with a lot of bacteria, because there’s an awful lot of pus coming out of the wound, which is a drag because it’s starting to obscure the lettering.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, Toad the Wet Sprocket. Sorry, I’m just starting to get a little lightheaded. “All I Want” is a stone-cold classic, and you’re lying to yourself if you’re pretending it hasn’t brought you to tears at some point in your life. It certainly has for me, and whether said tears are the result of Glen Phillips’ soulful crooning or my arm rapidly succumbing to what appears to be a rather serious infection remains to be seen. The only thing I know for certain is that there’s absolutely nothing weird about the action that brought me to this place.

But I digress. I think I’ve made my point perfectly clear. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d better nip this problem in the bud and get some antibiotics. It’s only been about a week since I had to get the Better Than Ezra brand on my bicep looked at, so the gang down at the MedExpress will probably remember me.

Study Confirms ‘Two Beers In’ Even Better 12 Beers In

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

EVANSTON, Ill. — A recent study out of Northwestern University confirmed that Free Throw’s iconic midwest emo anthem “Two Beers In” is even more enjoyable after 12 beers, confirmed sources. 

“As the Midwest’s premiere academic institution, it’s an honor to be a part of this culture-defining discovery,” quipped Northwestern University researcher Sarah Planter. “I was born and raised in Peoria, so my friends and I grew up listening to American Football and Cap’n Jazz. We always knew midwest emo fucked, so we turned to science and Anheuser-Busch as a way of helping others enjoy the genre that shaped us. According to brainscans and magnetic imaging, we can conclude with certainty that one of midwest emo’s greatest hits gets even better the more fucked up you are. We encourage all readers of the study to try this at home for themselves. Don’t forget to drink irresponsibly.”

One of the study’s participants isn’t shocked by the findings. 

“I’ve always suspected it sounded better the more hammered I got, so it’s cool the scientists were able to prove I’m not just imagining things,” said participant Brett Billings. “After the first few, I just started singing the chorus louder. Then after like eight, I started my own solo mosh pit. But after drinking the whole 12-pack, I started crying and wishing I had been a better partner to my ex. That was awesome. The study also helped me understand the song’s subtle artistry. Because when they sing about having two beers, it’s actually foreshadowing for having a shit ton of beers, and I think that’s beautiful.”

Other researchers are eager to weigh in. 

“We’ve all heard anecdotal evidence surrounding the idea that substances can enhance a music listener’s experience. So from an empirical perspective, it’s truly incredible to have proof that these claims are true,” said Johns Hopkins professor Moira Dabney. “Back in the day, we used to just give hippies a few tabs of LSD, send them to a Phish concert, then ask them how it was afterwards. And while I’m ecstatic to read the study’s findings, I’ve learned that as a result, the school has pulled funding for a new study where we’d give cocaine to people at a Municipal Waste show. Which, speaking scientifically, is a total bummer.”

Since publishing, the study has met criticism from other researchers, where many have suggested that a dozen beers isn’t nearly enough to fully study its effects on the listener.

Surgeon General Confirms: Housing Two Large Stuffed Crust Pizzas Without Lactaid Still Best Treatment for Constipation

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON — The Office of the Surgeon General released comprehensive guidance on using two large stuffed crust pizzas as a first-line medication for severe constipation, a spokesperson confirmed.

“Scientists work ‘round the clock to discover breakthroughs in cures to elusive conditions such as cancers and post-viral illness, but sometimes the most effective treatment is Domino’s,” explained Office of the Surgeon General representative Samantha Mirala. “We’ve confirmed that scarfing two large pizzas infused with mozzarella without the help of any added enzymes is almost as effective as colonoscopy prep to clear you out, and we’re here to tell America: It works 100% of the time. Much like the wheel, pizza shits just don’t need improvement. We’d like to thank Papa John’s for funding our study.”

Looking to share more details about how to incorporate these findings into everyday life, leading gastroenterologist Dr. Matthew Jenkins shared some insights.

“Constipation is on the rise in this country and it has been found to contribute to rates of colon cancer, which has also been increasing,” said Dr. Jenkins. “With intervention at the forefront of my medical praxis and knowledge of the importance of stuffed crusts when it comes to poop, I’ve been prescribing weekly pizza parties for all my lactose intolerant patients. I didn’t need this announcement to know that’s what works best. In medical school, you learn that dairy can be ‘binding’ for the bowels, but butts-on-experience will always win out over textbook knowledge. It’s as simple as this: If you’re backed up and even a little sensitive to dairy, call your favorite pizza delivery boy and light a candle in the bathroom.”

Longtime pizza eater Dave Gregory himself confirmed the Surgeon General’s claim.

“Dude, I knew wearing diapers when I eat pizza without Lactaid pills every day was a healthy choice,” said Gregory. “People are always telling me, ‘Dave, you need to eat vegetables. Dave, you need to eat fruits. Dave, you can’t have pizza for every meal and sometimes as a snack.’ But would fruits, vegetables, and a balanced diet give me such regular stool? I don’t know, I’ve literally never tried. It’s nice to know the Surgeon General and I are on the same page. Suck it, food pyramid!”

At press time, the Department of Health announced that it is working with insurance companies to bring the cost of a 14-inch pizza from $15 to $645.

Opinion: Can You Believe They Named a Major U.S. City After the Band Chicago?

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

I just didn’t realize Chicago was that big. Like, sure, I’ve heard “Saturday in the Park” and “If You Leave Me Now,” and yes, they’re great songs. But “permanently rebrand the third-largest metropolitan area in the United States” great? That’s how you know you’ve really made it.

Imagine being such a huge band that six major sports franchises bear your name. The Bulls? Named after the band Chicago. The Bears? Chicago. White Sox, Cubs, and Bruins? All Chicago. Oh! And I almost forgot Chicago Fire FC. You can’t forget Chicago Fire FC. Or the Chicago Sky. Great team. Real success. I watch women’s sports, and I support women’s sports. I have League Pass. Just because I didn’t know the city of Chicago was named after the band Chicago does not make me some kind of knuckle-dragging Neanderthal. 

Really think about it. Linkin Park was a huge band, and they only got a park. Boston was a pretty big band too, but they only got Boston, Massachusetts. Chicago? That’s a whole damn real ass city! Color me impressed. 

I had no idea that before the city officially became Chicago in 1971, following the release of the wildly successful Chicago II and the massive hits “25 or 6 to 4” and “Make Me Smile,” the city was simply called “Sausage Lake City.”

Wow. Good for them. For most bands, success is selling out Madison Square Garden. For Chicago, it’s naming an entire metropolitan area. A musical, two newspapers, a river, pizza, hot dogs, the whole kit and caboodle. I will never listen to “You’re the Inspiration” the same way again. I had no idea the inspiration for the city of Chicago was the band Chicago. Go figure.

Apparently, Chicago got their name from an Algonquin word meaning “wild garlic” or “wild onion.” The band members encountered it during a visit to the Field Museum of Natural History in 1967. It was Peter Cetera’s birthday, and he said he wanted to “go see da big dinos,” so the band took him there. While at the museum, Cetera announced that he “want snack,” and on the way to the café the band passed an exhibit on Indigenous peoples of the Midwest. Despite Cetera’s protestations and repeated insistence that they proceed directly to snack, the band lingered long enough to see the word shikaakwa, which French colonialists later rendered as checagou, and eventually, Chicago. The band, who at the time were called The Big Thing, immediately decided to change their name, and then got Cetera a hot dog and a Coca-Cola for being such a patient, good boy. I can’t believe I didn’t learn any of this in school. It almost feels like they kept this history from us. What else are they keeping from us?

“People Die in War,” Shrugs Man Who Has Spent Hours Screaming About Trans Kids Playing Softball

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump, famous for his loud, impassioned tirades about such topics as high school trans athletes, the contents of Hunter Biden’s laptop, and the democratic hoax of affordability problems for the average American, reaffirmed his basic indifference toward the death of U.S. soldiers at a recent press conference. 

“People often die in war,” shrugged a totally cool, calm, and collected Trump to reporters regarding the death of American sons and daughters, adding, “That’s the way it is.” 

Members of the press found this new Donald Trump to be a far cry from the man who, on countless occasions, had screamed himself red in the face endlessly about such trivial things as the size of his own hands, parade attendance, and Taylor Swift. 

“I honestly could not believe this was the same man I’ve been covering all these years,” recounted long-time White House correspondent Tricia Harding. “I can tell you, this is the calmest and most concise the president’s comments have been since quipping ‘I like people who weren’t captured’ in reference to Senator John McCain, or dismissing a request to pose with an amputee veteran with a curt ‘It doesn’t look good for me.’ If I didn’t know any better, I would say he is completely indifferent about, or perhaps even mildly gratified by, the notion of U.S. servicemen dying for him. Maybe he was tired that day.” 

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth defended the President against accusations of callousness on Instagram Live. 

“If you think Donald Trump is disrespectful of military personnel, you clearly did not see him during the dignified transfer of the fallen soldiers. Look at the baseball cap he chose to wear! Not a MAGA baseball cap, not a promotional Trump 2024 baseball cap, no, just a pure white baseball cap with USA on it. Oh, and his presidential number on the side. That is the baseball cap of a man observing pomp and circumstance to its most respectful height! I’d say it’s a hell of a kind gesture considering how bad those troops made him look by being dead like that and all!” 

At press time, Trump was rumored to be cutting a deal with McDonald’s, which would supply half-priced Big Mac promo codes to the immediate family of fallen soldiers, good for two weeks after the time of death.

Wife Begrudgingly Encourages Husband To Buy the Fender Custom Shop Guitar Instead of AR-15

Posted on by Jose Balderas

LA MIRADA, Calif. — Kat Rapier decided to let her husband purchase a Fender Custom Shop guitar he’d been eyeing for years after he suddenly became interested in AR-15s, confirmed sources.

“I know the country’s in a current shit-state and everyone’s getting paranoid about our leaders but the moment my husband started going down a semi-automatic rifle rabbit hole for ‘home defense’ I knew I had to make the sacrifice and pivot his interest elsewhere,” said Mrs. Rapier. “I’d constantly catch him looking at a ‘68 Fender Telecaster Thinline which means nothing to me but when I thought he was up to something nefarious in the middle of the night he would just be watching YouTube videos about it. The day I saw him on a gun website I knew I had to bite the bullet, no pun intended, and let him buy the dumb guitar.”

Husband Will Rapier explains how one of the happiest days of his life came about.

“I was talking to my wife one morning about possibly buying military-grade weaponry to protect our suburban home, even though our biggest intruder is a neighborhood racoon but you never know when you might have to stand your ground and defend your castle. Before I made the commitment to buy it my wife blurted out ‘Buy the Telecaster’ and I immediately knew which one she meant,” recalled Mr Rapier. “The fact that she knows how special it is to me will only make it much more. I was on the phone with Fender within minutes and they convinced me to pick up a ‘64 Custom Deluxe Reverb amp too. When I told my wife they even offered 5% off I could tell she was stunned by how wide her eyes went. Anyway, this has thoroughly depleted the budget for any other purchases for a good while and I’ll just have to defend our home from intruders with some sweet licks.”

Fender Custom Shop manager Leo James said this was not an uncommon experience.

“Nobody ever wants to look at our charts but we’ve graphed how spikes in public unrest and violence always leads to an uptick in high-end guitar sales,” said James. “It’s quite wild and I’m surprised no one has accused us of being part of a grand conspiracy to sell more guitars via control of world politics. Spouses and partners rush their significant others to buy something that will actually appreciate in value over time instead of a firearm. The only downside of this trend is that it overshadows our sales of Squier guitars that we see real guitarists buy.”

As of press time, Mrs. Rapier encouraged her husband to buy the Tom Morello signature Fender “Arm The Homeless” guitar after she noticed him getting a little too invested in Civil War history.

Couple Way Too Hot To Be Punk 

Posted on by Trevor Graham

LOS ANGELES — A young couple recently sighted at a local punk show was deemed way too attractive to actually be punk, sources who haven’t looked at themselves in the mirror for a month confirmed.

“I was at a basement show on Friday, and in the middle of all the sweaty, disgusting crowd, I noticed this couple that was way hot. They were both so gorgeous that I just watched them instead of whatever shitty band was playing,” said local punk Brent Williams. “At first I thought that they must be lost and found their way to this show for help, but then I noticed they were both wearing legit band shirts and not like the ones you get from your aunt at Christmas. So weird.”

The couple has also been seen around the city and in locally owned shops, including an independent record store.

“I was restocking vinyl at the shop when I saw them walk in through the door. My first thought was ‘Oh great, these poseurs are going to ask where they can find the new Green Day,’ but then they were browsing through the ‘90s hardcore section and were grabbing Shai Hulud and Unbroken records, and I almost spilled my kombucha on my beard,” said record store employee Chris Janson. “It’s not fair. People that attractive shouldn’t be allowed in the scene. Ugly music is for ugly, lonely people. I might need to be extra dismissive and elitist to all my customers for a while just to work through my jealousy.”

Punk historian Jenny Patterson says that although rare, there have been hot couples throughout the history of punk, but noted that they are often shunned by their unattractive peers.

“If you go back to the ‘70s era, you could argue Sid and Nancy were the original hot punk couple and were ostracized from the true London punks of the day,” said Patterson. “The problem most of these hot punk couples face is that since they are aesthetically beautiful on the outside, they ostensibly have had an easier life than your average mediocre-looking person who gets into this kind of music. The punk ethos is built around the DIY mindset, and it’s tough for many to believe that attractive people do anything for themselves.”

At press time, the hot couple was seen at an anti-ICE protest and were asked by other protestors to put masks on — not to hide their identity from authorities but so that no one feels bad about themselves.

Opinion: The Lion Does Not Concern Itself With Losing Custody of Its Children

Posted on by Ben Friedman

When it comes to family, I have always seen myself as the alpha lion leading his pride. And as such, I don’t have time to listen to whiny liberals and family members complain about my parenting style, which is to be as hands-off as possible until I beat them for touching my truck. Annoyingly, though, my ex-wife thinks raising our children to be emotionally distant bullies is a bad thing just because our therapist told her so.

But the lion does not concern itself with the opinions of sheep, nor does it care about losing custody of its children.

Lions are providers, and I will continue to provide for my family even if that means having to do it from a cheap studio apartment with supervised visits on weekends. What my brainwashed sheep of an ex doesn’t understand is that providing can manifest itself in different ways, like taking all the money we set aside for the family vacation and investing in a MAGA store in rural Pennsylvania. Even she has to admit that was a pretty good two-week run.

As you can see by the tactical vest and sunglasses I bought from Amazon, I am radiating the vibe of someone who’s not to be fucked with, and that I am no longer burdened with my kids asking for hugs and reassurance that I love them. This body is 100% empathy free and will remain so as long as I don’t get dragged into family court again for making my progeny sleep on the floor without blankets again. Have any of you seen a pride of lions prowling the savannah, tearing apart lesser creatures just to sleep in a bed? Exactly.

Last time I checked, the female lions were the ones hunting for food and raising the cubs, while the males provide safety and defend their territory. So no, I’m not going to heed anyone’s calls to keep my guns unloaded and locked away. That’s exactly what my enemies want me to do, specifically, my kid’s new stepdad.

So next time you ask me how my kids are doing, just remember that they don’t speak to me and I don’t give a shit. Unless they finally wake up and join me in eating an all-raw-meat diet and sliding into the DM’s of OnlyFans models, they can waste their lives in a “safe and nurturing environment”. Fucking pussies..

ICE Agent Moved to Tears During Domestic Abuse Portion of ‘Down With the Sickness’

Posted on by Tyler Roland

MINNEAPOLIS — Local ICE Agent Arnie Blacksmith was moved to tears during the “domestic abuse” part of the Disturbed single “Down With the Sickness,” therapy-avoiding sources confirmed.

“It’s the first song on my ‘Fuck Shit Up’ playlist,” Blacksmith explained while removing the battery from his body camera. “When it gets to that part where he’s yelling at his mom. Fuck, man! That rules! When he says ‘you stupid, sadistic, abusive, fucking whore, how would you like to see how it feels, mommy?’ That always gets me choked up. I mean, it’s just a beautiful moment in parenting. Your child is supposed to be scared of you and this song perfectly encapsulates that sentiment. That’s exactly how I parent today. I am forever thankful for Disturbed’s parental guidance.”

Local metalhead Drew Swinkel thinks Blacksmith has his choice of favorite Disturbed song totally backwards. 

“That’s some pussy shit,” Swinkel opined. “Now, ‘The Sound of Silence,’ that’s what I’m talking about! That’s some real motherfucking feeling! ‘Cause that’s, like, some mature shit. Even my dad thought it was cool when I played it in the car on the way to the shooting range. I’m definitely gonna start off my funeral with that one. I can’t believe how deep that dude reached to write such a masterpiece!” 

Disturbed frontman David Draiman is happy that his music resonates with the self-proclaimed “alpha males” of society. 

“When I wrote ‘Down With the Sickness,’ I was letting out all of these animal instincts,” Draiman explained as he was autographing a series of munitions for an upcoming limited-edition Disturbed release. “I swear, my IQ lowered by 30% when that ‘ooh WAH-AH-AH-AH!’ came out. The song has become a meathead anthem over the years, and I couldn’t be happier — I mean, look at me! Whether you’re fucking up Hamas or terrorizing innocent American citizens, it’s the perfect soundtrack.”

At press time, Blacksmith confirmed he’d also be into “Stupify” if it weren’t for the fact that the lyrics are about Draiman’s relationship with a Latina.