The Only Difference Between “Tax the Rich” and a Racial Slur Is I Don’t Become Erect When I Say “Tax the Rich” – Guest Post by Steven Roth

Posted on by Dan Rice

In America today, there is one group of people who have it harder than anyone else. Every day, they face prejudice, every day they are kept down, every day they are the subject of widespread mockery and slander in the media. I’m talking, of course, about multi-millionaire property wonders. 

My name is Steven Roth. You probably don’t know me because I’m usually one of those shadowy, behind-the-scenes rich guys, not one of those out in the open deliberate distraction Elon types, but yes, I am a rich American, and it’s time for me to make my voice heard. I speak for all rich Americans, or persons of wealth, when I say we’re tired of the hurtful things you all say so flippantly. Things like “Hey, you should pay your fair share like everyone else” and “tax the rich!” As someone qualified to speak on the rich experience in America, I can assure you that that three-word phrase is every bit as hurtful and destructive as the worst ethnic slurs. The only thing that makes “tax the rich” any different than the hate speech is the fact that my penis does not become immediately engorged when I shout it angrily. 

We’re supposed to be living in a time of tolerance, where PC cancel culture has gone and run amok, and yet any Tom, Dick, or Harry can freely say something so hurtful to my people with no consequence? It’s total hypocrisy! Honestly, it’s getting me so mad I’ve got half a mind to shout all the bad words for Chinese and furiously masturbate right now! On an unrelated note, I’ll be right back. 

Okay, I’m back. Just where the hell does a terrorist like Mamdani get off fostering such resentment toward my people?! I truly don’t see how his implying I should surrender the portion of my vast wealth I am legally obliged to give is any different from me calling him a… well, you know. Unrelated, I need another quick break, brb. 

Okay, I’m back. Is it hot in here? I’m feeling dehydrated. The point is, wealthy Americans are the backbone of this nation’s economy, the same economy that breaks so many of this nation’s great, actual backbones. I just sort of feel like, when you’re the backbone of something, you should be exempt from supporting it in any way. You want me, instead, to give you money?! Money that I only have a lot of?! You might as well tattoo a number into my arm and literally throw my entire family into an oven. 

I dream of a day when people are judged not by the color of their skin, or the content of their character, or how much wealth they horde while millions starve, but by what a fully AI-generated media landscape tells them to think. Also, by the color of their skin. Until that day, me and my brothers in wealth will just have to keep on keeping on. 

Environmentally Conscious Man Gives Up Drinking Water to Counteract His Rampant AI Usage

Posted on by Billy Patterson

BETHESDA, Md. — Local conservationist Martin Sinclair vowed to stop drinking water in order to offset the environmental impact of his constant use of AI tools, virtuous sources confirmed. 

“Everyone knows that AI wastes a tremendous amount of water,” said Sinclair, executing a quick ChatGPT prompt to confirm his facts. “And as someone who needs to use AI platforms to do my job, get my news, draft my emails, form my opinions, generate my entertainment, customize my pornography, and be my therapist, that weighs heavily on my conscience. That’s why I’ve sworn to cease all of my water consumption — no drinking, no bathing, no laundry, and I will be eating my pasta dry. We only have one earth, and I intend to do everything I can to protect her.”

Megan Ortiz, a friend of Sinclair’s, confirms the seriousness of his convictions, but is less than happy with the results.

“Martin was annoying enough when he was just spending 10 hours a day generating AI content, but now that he stopped drinking water he’s even more insufferable,” Ortiz stated. “He made a big show of sending his water back to the kitchen at lunch the other day, before showing the waiter a five-minute AI video of Garfield breakdancing. He’s always criticizing me for my energy usage and frowning when I wash my hands, and he won’t stop sending me typo-filled AI infographics about rainforest depletion. But I would forgive all his AI slop and obnoxious moralizing if he’d just take a fucking shower.”

Sinclair’s stance is one that is supported by the AI industry, according to Christian Golesh, founder and CEO of the artificial intelligence systems company Aurelium.

“As a leader in the AI space, I take the environmental impact of our platforms very seriously,” said Golesh. “Our data centers require quite a bit of water, and obviously there’s no way to cut back on that without jeopardizing our stock valuation and the broader global market. So instead we’ve instituted a company-wide ‘green pledge,’ removing all sinks and air conditioners from our offices, limiting our employees to 6oz of hydration per day, and encouraging people around the world to limit their water intake. It’s on all of us to help preserve this beautiful, delicate AI bubble.”

At press time, Sinclair had reversed his stance and begun drinking water again after an AI chatbot told him that concerns over data center water consumption were overblown.

New OJ Simpson Biopic Will Focus On “The Juice’s” Life Up To June 1994

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

HOLLYWOOD — An OJ Simpson biopic chronicling “The Juice’s” childhood, his Heisman Trophy-winning season at USC, and his array of achievements as a professional athlete, sportscaster, and actor up to June 1994, has been greenlit and will start filming later this month, according to film industry sources. 

Veteran screenwriter Logan Johnson has been tapped by the Simpson estate to adapt OJ’s inspiring biography to the silver screen with a moving cinematic rendering that stops just short of some boring legal trouble The Juice had at the tail end of his life. “I plan to meld actual game footage from OJ’s playing days in college and in the NFL with modern-day actors reenacting formative moments from his private and public life,” said Johnson. “I’ve been told that as long as those formative moments have nothing to do with why OJ had no alibi for where he was when the infamous Brentwood murders happened in June of 1994, or why he behaved so oddly when a limousine driver came to pick him up on the night of the killings, or why he would go on to co-author a book titled ‘If I Did It’ a few years later, I have complete artistic freedom.” 

Despite only being in pre-production, the film has already gained significant backlash online. Producer Joel Aidson recently took to Twitter to dismiss these early criticisms. 

“We are by no means ‘taking it easy’ on OJ. This film will fully explore his role in the poor box office performance of ‘Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult.’ Frankly, we really take him to task on that one. “

Cultural critic and film historian Elaine Varitek pointed out that this tactful omission is becoming a growing trend in biopic filmmaking. 

“The recent success of the Michael Jackson biopic could very well usher in a new golden age for Hollywood profiteering off stylized reputation reboots,” said Varitek. “The families of the disgraced deceased are licking their chops right now, as it seems the viewing public is hungry for films that whitewash the tarnished legacies of the icons of what they remember as simpler times. I’m already hearing rumors of a Woody Allen Biopic that focuses exclusively on his jazz career, 

At press time, the estate of Henry Kissinger is shopping for screenwriters to craft a feel-good biopic about Kissinger’s life up that stops abruptly at January 1969, when he became National Security Advisor to President Richard Nixon. 

Delta, United, American Airlines Reaffirm Their Commitment To Charge Higher Prices for Increasingly Shitty Experience  

Posted on by Laurie Bolewitz

CHICAGO — Upon news of Spirit Airlines officially shutting down, Delta, United, and American Airlines reaffirmed their commitment to consistently raising their prices while making their customers’ flying experience increasingly awful, confirmed sources.

“Finally, Spirit’s closure has given us the opportunity to earn customers’ loyalty by being one of their only options,” stated Delta CEO Ed Bastian. “We’re considering some new, innovative tiered pricing options — for example, in addition to paying for Wi-Fi, customers could have the opportunity to pay for a more qualified pilot. Thrifty customers who do not consider safety a priority can opt to pay a smaller fee for a pilot with less training, or perhaps one with a few violations on their record. We’re also charging a $50 fee if the customer wants to avoid having a fellow passenger sit on their lap during the entirety of the flight.”

Customers are thrilled to rise above the riff-raff as they take to the skies while paying ever exorbitant prices for steadily more uncomfortable experiences. 

“I’ve already adapted to paying for a checked bag, carry-on, seat choice, food, drink, and in-flight headphones. Perhaps I could pay for selecting hot or cold air blowing from the air vents, and if I don’t pay, it randomly selects for me,” said Loyal United MilagePlus customer Steven Muskcard. “As a moderately successful businessman, I hope to have the pleasure of paying more for standing up, sitting down again, or using the bathroom, which of course will be slowly deteriorating in both amenities and cleanliness.”

Free market expert and economist Eldon Parker believes Spirit’s recent shutdown can only help customers pay more for fewer, more terrible options. 

“Nothing improves service like less competition and decreased regulation,” Parker noted. “American Airlines has been tossing around the idea of charging extra for flight attendants to acknowledge your existence, and obviously the rate would go up during emergencies. Personally, I’m thrilled to see what they come up with, although I won’t experience them directly because I only fly via private jet.”

At press time, Southwest Airlines revealed that they’re considering charging customers for “stopped plane boarding” where frugal travelers can simply jump aboard as the plane touches down momentarily on the tarmac.

6 Celebrities Who Look Totally Different Now Because They’re Dead and Are Mostly Bones at This Point

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

The pressures of aging in Hollywood can be brutal, which is why so many people are used to seeing celebrities undergo dramatic transformations — whether it’s from cosmetic procedures, style rebrands, or being dead for decades and now consisting primarily of bones. Here’s a roundup of famous faces who many fans feel truly do not look like they used to.

1. Elvis Presley – Once known for his jet-black pompadour, smoldering eyes, and swiveling hips, Elvis now reportedly sports a far more stripped-down look built mostly around hip bones. Fans who remember the King in his rhinestone jumpsuit would likely be shocked to see how little flesh he currently has on him, though insiders say his bone structure remains unmatched.

2. John Wayne – Wayne built his image on rugged masculinity, broad shoulders, and a swaggering cowboy gait. Today, he’s looking rougher and tougher than ever, covered head to toe in cracked, sunbaked leather that was once his skin. It’s now impossible to tell where the chaps end, and he begins.

3. Liberace – Liberace built his brand on pure visual excess, dazzling audiences with enormous fur coats, glittering sequins, and surgically altered faces. It seems the flamboyant pianist is still pursuing the most perfected version of himself possible, with impossibly tight features time has refined down to little more than a skull.

4. Lucille Ball – Beloved comedian Lucille Ball once lit up screens with her bright red hair and expressive face. The comedy legend has since ditched much of what made her so recognizable by no longer having hair, cheeks, or even skin, although many say she has kept her impeccable comedic timing.

5. Charlie Chaplin – Known for his bowler hat, toothbrush mustache, and cane, Chaplin has one of the most recognizable looks in cinema history. These days, the silent film legend appears to be re-embracing the monochromatic era with a classic pitch-black and bone-white look.

6. William Shakespeare – Though mostly known as a playwright, Shakespeare remains one of the biggest celebrities of all time if you’re the kind of person who’s annoying at parties. And yes, the Bard looks very different now. Gone are the famous balding head, earring, and little mustache, replaced instead by the stark visual reminder that all fame is temporary, nothing is forever, and no one will be remembered once there is no one left to remember you.

Death appears to be the one Hollywood trend no celebrity can outrun. Can you think of other celebs who have changed a lot in recent years? Let us know in the comments.

‘Star Wars’ Fans Rejoice as George Lucas Continues to Keep His Opinion of Trans People to Himself

Posted on by Zack Zagranis

LOS ANGELES — “Star Wars” fans are expressing their joy over franchise creator George Lucas’s decision to continue his longstanding tradition of not telling anyone his personal thoughts on transgender issues in the wake of recent controversies surrounding “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling, confirmed sources.

“Those poor Potter fans have the worst luck. I couldn’t imagine if the creator of my favorite fictional universe regularly attacked the transgender community and actively funded legislation that hurts them directly,” said Chip Bromley, member of the world-renowned “Star Wars” themed charity group the 501st Legion. “All I can say is, thank god, George Lucas doesn’t have any social media accounts. It’s not even clear whether he even has any opinions at this point in his life. Considering his age, that’s probably for the best.”

According to past associates, Lucas’s refusal to speak out against trans issues is just one facet of the director’s longtime progressive values.

“George has always been on the right side of history when it comes to the LGBTQIA+ community,” said former President of Lucasfilm Kathleen Kennedy. “Many fans don’t know this, but R2-D2 and C-3PO were the first gay robots ever featured in a major motion picture. That scene in ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ where Luke is floating in a tank wearing a diaper? That was intended to show support for people with adult baby fetishes. And let’s not forget the trans Ewok George digitally inserted into the Battle of Endor for the ‘Return of the Jedi: Special Edition.’”

Pablo Hidalgo, senior member of The Lucasfilm Story Group, backs up Kennedy’s assessment of her former boss.

“Look, nobody is implying that George is perfect,” said Hidalgo. “After all, he did give the Neimoidians in ‘The Phantom Menace’ questionable Asian accents as well as depicting greedy junk dealer Watto with an oversized nose. And is Jar Jar Binks a little too close to a Jamaican stereotype for my liking? Does a Gungun shit in the water? The real question, though, is whether Lucas has ever done or said anything to denigrate the trans community specifically and the answer is a resounding no.”

At press time, Disney, the current owner of the “Star Wars” IP, had just announced plans to follow Lucas’s lead and also not say anything about the trans community—even when it would be helpful.

Local Weatherman Disappointed Storm He Hyped Didn’t Kill More People

Posted on by Kevin Coutu

TAMPA, Fla. — Local weatherman Greg Holloway reportedly expressed disappointment Monday that the major storm he had spent the week aggressively hyping failed to kill more people, noting that early models had suggested a significantly higher death toll, sources confirmed.

“I mean, I was looking at the projections all week and the storm ultimately underdelivered on the level of devastation me and my viewers were hoping for,” Holloway said, shaking his head in front of a map still covered in dramatic red and purple bands. “Everything pointed to a real clusterfuck of chaos. You don’t go on air and tell people this could be the big one unless you really believe the bodies are going to start piling up, but here we are. I expect better from an atmospheric disturbance.”

Local residents said they had followed the storm’s coverage closely and were surprised by how little desolation ultimately occurred.

“I stayed up until like 2 a.m. watching the coverage because they kept saying how catastrophic this was going to be, and that we should keep our eyes on our neighbors, you know, get us really excited that I might see that lady down the street’s house getting absolutely wrecked, maybe see that dog of hers in a tree or some power lines,” said viewer Daniel Ruiz. “They had the music, the graphics, the whole nine yards. Then I wake up and it’s like a couple downed branches and some flooded streets. I don’t even think people lost electricity. It’s like I stayed up late for no reason.”

Station leadership acknowledged that the storm’s outcome fell short of expectations and promised to improve moving forward.

“We take full responsibility for not meeting the moment,” said news director Karen Whitfield. “Our audience relies on us to accurately communicate the sheer scale and impact of these horrifically disturbing occasions, and in this case, we clearly oversold what turned out to be a relatively minor inconvenience and not the life-shattering event we were all breathlessly waiting to unfold.”

At press time, the station confirmed it would be reviewing its forecasting and presentation methods to ensure future storms better align with the havoc and decimation viewers have come to expect and desire.

Hasbro Releases Updated Monopoly Game with Multiple Detention Centers, Higher Rents, and No Chance of Winning

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

PAWTUCKET, R.I. — Hasbro announced that they will be releasing an update to the classic board game Monopoly to reflect the horrors of late-stage capitalism, confirmed sources who also noted that Mr. Monopoly will receive a modern makeover by trading in his signature black top hat and cane for a red baseball cap and toothbrush mustache. 

“Here at Hasbro we empathise with what families are going through,” said Hasbro spokesperson Barnaby Otto. “The socioeconomic divide is widening and the overall quality of life is deteriorating for many people, so the middle class can no longer afford your basic Marvin Gardens or St. Charles Place. Baltic Avenue is barely even an option anymore. But when your family gathers around a Monopoly board it doesn’t matter if you’re in a spacious living room serviced by underpaid domestic laborers or playing by the light of a trashcan fire under the freeway – when you play Monopoly, you have a shot at being part of the 1% bourgeois!”

Some game testers, like Theo Hoffman, grew frustrated after spending turn after turn landing on Detention Center spaces and pulling a Community Chest card that required him to subsidize corporate welfare for the duration of the game.

“First of all, I wanted to be the Dog but the only game pieces available were Boot or Tongue-Licking-Boot,” reported a visibly distraught Hoffman. “I don’t want to be either of those things! I never even had a chance to pass Go. But I guess when you do pass Go, now you have to pay the bank 200 bucks. It was impossible to win and no fun at all. Thank goodness it’s just a game. In real life I’m going to be a teacher and make lots of money helping people!”

Cameron Kennedy, the game’s ultimate winner, scored the coveted Moneybag game piece and pulled the Inherited Wealth card on her first roll.

“Sure, I lucked my way into the game’s generational wealth prize and all the other players had to give me a percentage of any money they made in the game, but I won because I’m smart!” Kennedy insisted as she returned from a well-deserved ketamine break under the bleachers in the gymnasium. “I don’t know what Theo is complaining about. If he tried a little harder and bought up all the properties immediately like I did he could’ve won too.” 

At press time, Hasbro vows to make similar changes to other games including the removal of the education route and retirement options in the Game of Life.

Gen Alpha’s Einstein? This 5th Grader Can Read at a 5th Grade Level

Posted on by Finn Kobler

Isaac Newton, Marie Curie, the bald boy from Prison Break; every generation has their super genius. And the iPad babies, AKA the mini-millennials, AKA the children who threaten to “gallstone-maxx” me at my volunteer math tutor job, are no exception. Oh, for those curious, “gallstone-maxxing” is when you give somebody gallstones by grinding up cholesterol pills into powder, then sprinkling it in increasing quantities of said cholesterol into their vitamin water while they’re not looking. It’s as unsettling as it is impossible, and it is wildly unpleasant. Anyway… Caleb Green, Upper Grader at James Tiberius Hussein Elementary, is leaving teachers and classmates dumbfounded with his scholarship. Despite being in just fifth grade, the boy is already reading at a fifth-grade level!

“We’re talking Hatchet. We’re talking The Wild Robot. We’re talking Tuck Everlasting — out loud with minimal stuttering,” says teacher Mrs. Burzynski, Caleb’s teacher.  “He can even spell ‘effort’ correctly (minus the second f) without looking it up!” 

But his skills don’t cap at fluency; he’s downright virtuosic in comprehension too. While his peers are playing Geometry Dash and asking ChatGPT how to cyberbully Prince George, Green can compare the themes of Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Roderick Rules “efortlessly.” Other educators thought it was hubris when he referred to himself as “the White Young Sheldon,” but he’s proven them wrong! 

In the middle of an active literacy crisis, it’s refreshing to see the torch of literary adequacy being passed down. As Green himself puts it, “reading is my light at the end of the tunnel…it shows me that, even in darkness, there is a tunnel.” He then asked the reporter to list synonyms for tunnels and laughed so hard at the word “shaft” that he had to be taken to the hospital. We wish him a speedy recovery!

Hardcore Show Doorman Enforcing Strict 14 Tattoo Minimum

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Entry to a hardcore show at a popular venue came to a standstill after the doorman announced he would be refusing entry to anyone who did not have on them a minimum of 14 tattoos, angry showgoers have confirmed.

“Nobody bats an eye when clubs only let in hot women, but I’m the asshole for wanting to cultivate an aesthetic? Fourteen tattoos is perfectly reasonable for a tape release show and I don’t want to see any of that tiny, fine line minimalistic bullshit. I don’t care if it’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen, you just have to have 30% of your body tatted up,” said Greg Tripowski. “If I let in people with like two tattoos the bands are going to assume the audience is going to be full of pussies. Anyone who wants to complain is more than welcome to check out some strip mall bar somewhere in the ‘burbs instead.” 

Many of those attempting to gain entry to the venue thought Tripowski was going too far.

“It’s a $15 cover, why the hell do I need over $2,000 worth of tattoos to get in? I have eight and a back piece and that still wasn’t enough to get in. But I’m not about to fuck with him, the guy ahead of me tried to get in with a bunch of temporary tats, and Greg went on a 10-minute rant about being a scene traitor before tossing him into the the street,” said Ryan Timms. “I was really looking forward to this show! I heard someone set up a stick and poke station in the alley, hopefully they can bang out a few quick shitty designs on my legs before the opener.”

The venue’s owner wasn’t at all phased by Tripowski’s gatekeeping style.

“I completely agree he’s a massive asshole, but I’m not about to fire the only guy in town who can hold his own at hardcore shows. And if that means he changes up the rules for entry every week, so be it,” said Danny Veruchi. “I mean if the punks around here aren’t prepared to list off every Jello Biafra spoken word album or submit a three-page essay on the connection between capitalism and policing, that’s their problem. It’s not like I can afford real security anyway.”

As of press time, Tripowski amended his rule to allow automatic entry to anyone with a Black Flag tattoo.