Shit! I Decided to Stop Checking the News for My Mental Health, but Now I’m Just the Dumbest Person at This Party

Posted on by Livy Berry

I recently decided I needed to prioritize my mental health. I took a look at my life and realized it’s not a good time for me to quit drinking and smoking, but I could cut out a lot of stress in my life if I stopped checking the news altogether. Every headline and John Oliver clip is like the modern-day equivalent of a caveman hearing a rustle in the bushes. With all the things there are to stress about these days, making this change felt like Patrick Swayze had entered my brain, removed all of its preconceived notions of society, and then taught it to dance.

Today I woke up and watched a five minute long video of golden retrievers trying to fetch a ball out of a pool. Amazing! I spent breakfast pondering how teacup pigs could get so tiny. I truly considered myself the smartest person in town, as I had clearly discovered the secret to eternal peace of mind. I even texted my family informing them of my plans to write a book (damn, that’s gonna be embarrassing to go back on). Life could not be going better.

This is where everything falls apart. I roll into my friend’s birthday party ready to spread my newfound knowledge, but once I get there, everyone is talking about who Harris might choose for VP and something called Project 2025. I figure this Project 2025 thing is some kind of resolution thing, so I chime in and say I’m going to start exercising more (nailed it), but everyone starts laughing at me. Are we not exercising anymore? Then they start going into Trump’s political agendas for some reason, and I have no idea what the hell anybody’s talking about. They’re using these huge words, and all I can think about is a Tik Tok I saw about freeze-dried Laffy Taffy.

I have to move to a new conversation to get a fresh start. I figure this one will go better for me, these guys usually just talk about baseball and who wants to go on the next beer run. What could go wrong?

Fuck! Cody used to be the dumb one in our friend group, but now he’s talking about the long term impact of a two-rate individual tax system. What the fuck does that even mean? How does HE even know what that means? The last time we got together he asked me if “Armageddon” was based on a true story! This has been a solid blow to my ego, and I know I have to get out.

Pretending to need another drink, I manage to duck out of the conversation, but now I’m just hiding in the kitchen and petting the dog. If you’re reading this, please send help (I worry the dog is about to ask me for my take on foreign policy and I do not have one).

Nice! Woman Who Called You Homophobic Slurs in High School So Excited to See Chappell Roan

Posted on by Sarah Cassell

BOSTON – Local bully Veronica Coughlin, who took immense joy in calling classmates homophobic slurs in high school, is reportedly so excited to see Chappell Roan in concert, confirmed sources who’d rather her not be there or anywhere in their general vicinity.

“I love Chappell Roan! I think we’d be such besties. We’d gossip about which guys we think are hot and we’d make fun of all the losers in the audience, and I’d like totally teach her how to find a makeup shade that matches her face better,” said Coughlin completely unaware of the drag origins in Chappell Roan’s different outfits. “I can’t wait to see her in concert and scream ‘Good Luck, Babe.’ It reminds me of my boyfriend, who I wish would say Chappell’s name corrrectly. It’s pronounced ‘Sha-pell,’ right?”

Others were not as thrilled about Coughlin’s attendance at the upcoming concert, such as Ash Robinson, who Coughlin bullied in high school.

“I can’t believe Veronica is going and I couldn’t even get tickets!” lamented Robinson after seeing “the bitches are seeing Chappell” on Coughlin’s Instagram story. “She used to call me a lesbo in high school, then she said she told me she could maybe kiss a girl, but definitely never date one – and now suddenly she’s Chappell’s biggest fan. Do you think she’s ever actually listened to any of the lyrics? Or has any queer friends? Or any friends for that matter?”

But it’s not just straight women who are newly excited to see Roan, such as Coughlin’s boyfriend Matt Roberts.

“Yeah, this will be a fun date night. I put on some special cologne for the occasion in case we hook up. Or if not her, some other hotties at the show. They all have dope carabiners,” explained Roberts. “Oh and before you go ‘don’t you have a girlfriend?’ it’s fine – Veronica and I are in an unethical non-monogamous relationship or whatever shit you call it. I’m gonna push to the front so Chappell sees me, but no, I definitely won’t do the ‘HOT TO GO’ dance. That’s gay.”

At press time, Coughlin was worried about girls potentially flirting with her at the concert despite none ever remotely doing so.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Trying To Avoid The News

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week of historical and life-changing moments that you’d rather not have to deal with, but you’re here and you might as well make the most of it. For literal decades, people have used music as a means to escape the harsh and cruel reality of the world. Why not you? Here are six new punk, indie, and hardcore songs you can listen to while pretending our democracy is functional and nothing bad is happening anywhere.

Pixies ‘Chicken’

Indie rock legends Pixies have just announced their tenth studio album, ‘The Night the Zombies Came.’ It’s their first with the newly added bassist Emma Richardson. In true Pixies fashion, their latest single ‘Chicken’ is a waltzy dirge that sounds like it could soundtrack the weirdest B-Horror movie you’ve ever seen, though maybe not as weird as the one your college roommate made during their last semester.

Prim ‘Don’t Count On Me’

In 2020, famed hardcore veterans Kevin Flores and Mark Ramos decided to embrace the more melodic side of their signature heavy leanings in the form of a new band called Prim. Following a flurry of EPs and singles, the band is set to release their debut full-length ‘Move Too Slow.’ Their latest single, ‘Don’t Count On Me,’ is fuzzed out power-pop at it’s finest with a healthy dose of oomph that only those steeped in the hardcore scene can provide.

Mamaleek “Legion Of Bottom Deck Dealers’

San Francisco’s avant-garde rock outfit Mamaleek are back with a freshly terrifying – and ten-minute long – track entitled ‘Legion Of Bottom Deck Dealers.’ It’s a brooding, churning, gut-wrenching track that will have you looking around the corner in fear for the entire runtime. The single comes after announcing a run of dates supporting the equally disturbing Chat Pile, reflecting the horrors of modern society a little too effectively.

A Deer A Horse “Rearview”

Have you ever wanted to listen to System of A Down, Primus or Tool without looking like a total nerd? We’ve got the band for you. Brooklyn’s A Deer A Horse is making an unholy racket that harkens back to the golden era of ‘90s hard rock while simultaneously being impossible to define. Their latest single ‘Rearview’ from the forthcoming album ‘Texas Math’ is a sonic journey that, as its title suggests, will have you looking back wondering how the hell you got here.

Karate “Defendants”/“Silence and Sound”

Experimental and criminally underrated rock trio ‘Karate’ – whose influence on indie rock cannot be understated – announced a new album entitled ‘Make It Fit.’ It’s their first in two decades following a lengthy battle to regain the rights to their back catalog. Making up for lost time, they’ve dropped not one, but two excellent singles. ‘Defendants’ and ‘Silence and Sound’ play out as if the band never broke up at all. If you’re a fan of any indie-punk band from 2000-onward, this is your chance to pretend you were in on the ground floor all along.

We know six songs won’t cure your existential dread entirely, so we’ve added them to our ever-expanding playlist. It’s 10 hours long now so you can fill your entire day with it even if you pause for depression naps. You can click here to check it out unless you’d prefer to suffer in silence, which, no judgement.

Modern Day Miracle? These Five Friends in Their 30s Found a Saturday They All Have Free To Hang Out

Posted on by James Knapp

There have been plenty of reported miracles throughout the course of human history, ranging from Christ’s resurrection after his crucifixion at the hands of the Romans to the time when a bolt of acid lightning from the heavens finally killed Pol Pot.

However, some miracles are so unfathomably rare and awe-inspiring that they bust through the cynical veil of non-believers by presenting them a situation that cannot possibly be anything besides divine intervention: five 30-something human beings, some of whom have actual children, all found a shared Saturday where none of them have any obligations.

Yes, we know, please don’t faint from incredulity just yet. You read right. That’s an entire Saturday that these five friends had free from work responsibilities, doctor’s appointments, lunch plans with their in-laws, and whatever stupid things their dumb little wiener kids would have tried to drag them to. None of that! Praise the lord!

Reports indicate that at the time of the miracle’s discovery, a beam of light shot forth from the friends’ shared Google calendar and the three friends who weren’t busy meal prepping for the week at that moment gazed on in awe as they realized that they all had a Saturday, a mere nine weeks away, where none of them had any plans. The other two friends were later told about the beam of light and agreed that it sounded pretty cool.

As anyone else who has had to leave their youth to vanish rapidly in the rearview window of their lives knows, being over 33 years old guarantees that you will never again be spontaneously capable of doing whatever you want with four other people you actually enjoy forever. Thus, this modern-day miracle is being heralded by whatever Pope we’ve gotta deal with right now as “a clearer sign of divine intervention than if my bitch mother-in-law shut her judgemental face hole for even a second.” That’s a direct Pope quote there.

While the friends all appear to agree that they’ll make the most of this once in a lifetime free group Saturday, unfortunately, they’ll be even busier going forward as they’ll have to start going to church on Sundays again. But hey, that’s the cost of miracles, apparently. Hail Satan!

Toddler Left In Parked Cybertruck Dies of Embarrassment

Posted on by Justin Gordon-Cooper

LOS ANGELES — Tragedy struck Southern California Wednesday night when a toddler was discovered dead inside a Tesla Cybertruck from an apparent case of massive embarrassment after being seen in such an abomination, sources confirmed.

“I really thought she was old enough to handle it,” said Charles Hazel, the girl’s father. “Her mother and I had the talk with her. We said, if you’re feeling embarrassed, just get out of the Cybertruck and talk about all the cool features it has. We let her know that people will stop pointing and laughing as soon as you show them the state-of-the-art cooling system and the badass automatic glove compartment. I can’t help but think this all could have been avoided if she’d watched the YouTube breakdowns about the creative design features of the truck instead of staring at cartoons all day. I tried explaining that Elon’s ideas can sometimes seem a little out there at first. But if he says the Cybertruck is cool, I think it’s our duty to accept that blindly.”

Officials around Los Angeles are warning parents to be as safe as possible when asking their children to ride in a Cybertruck.

“This latest tragedy has been tough on all of us. When we found her, it was clear she’d been trying to hide her face inside her ‘Bluey’ t-shirt,” said Detective Mike Sanchez at the briefing press conference. “But this is the definition of an open and shut case. She was a perfectly healthy child before entering the Cybertruck and it’s easy to see her parents are complete losers. This kid was never given a fair chance. We always tell parents, they should really think twice about leaving their children in Cybertrucks — especially during summer — when people are out and about, looking for ugly things to laugh at.”

Clarence Withers, an LA county coroner, believes there could be more to the Cybertruck’s lethal embarrassment than authorities are letting on.

“I see two or three of these trucks every day driving around the city. We’re talking weapons grade levels of ugly here. I don’t want to dive too deep into the conspiracy well, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this was some kind of aesthetic warfare deployed by a foreign enemy. All I’m saying is I’ve been doing this job a long time and the scale of pure, unadulterated embarrassment on the faces of these cadavers is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Ask yourself this: could a design this grotesque have been conjured up by one pathetic man? I just don’t see it.”

While the toddler’s parents say they will not get rid of the vehicle, they have spoken to lawyers about potential negligence inside Tesla’s design department.

Grew up Listening to Wilco? You May Be Entitled to an Apology From Your Dad

Posted on by Violet Meeker

Have you always had the itching feeling your Dad is going to leave your Mom for Jeff Tweedy? Did you fall asleep to the sounds of “Sky Blue Sky” as a baby? Was every family road trip a Wilco album listening party? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be eligible for an apology from your Dad.

If the below criteria applies to you, our office may be able to assist you:

  • You were often told you had an “old soul” as a child
  • Your knew who Neko Case was before the age of 12
  • You only applied to liberal arts colleges
  • You’ve spent a large amount of your life at farmers markets

We provide an extensive interview process in which we learn what ways this has had long term impacts on you as a person. Oftentimes, our office sees children like this start indie rock bands themselves – even as early as middle school. In fact, many have superiority complexes that stay with them throughout their adult lives. Upon hearing the sounds of “Summerteeth” or “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” multiple times a child begins to create a God complex, believing that all other children have inferior music taste. And if this is combined with a Yo La Tengo album? The consequences will be life-long.

If any of this sounds like you or a loved one, please reach out immediately. We understand that being an adult Wilco fan is one thing, but being born into a Wilco family is another. When you scream “THE ASHTRAY SAYS YOU WERE UP ALL NIGHT” at the age of ten, you inevitably begin to embody a sad Dad – ending up in a swirl pool of emotional depth you could only pretend to imagine while playing air guitar. Your Vans-wearing Dad of the indie-rock persuasion may have introduced you to a form of Twee you can never escape.

Contact our office at: 753 Mermaid Avenue

ASPCA Adoptions Up 600% After Replacing Sarah McLachlan Song with Knocked Loose Screaming “ARF ARF” on Loop

Posted on by John Danek

NEW YORK — The ASPCA announced that adoptions have increased over 600% after switching their long-standing advertising music from Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” with a two-second loop from Knocked Loose’s “Counting Worms.”

“We thank Sarah for the decades of letting us use her music, but our shelters have been filling up and our officers of the board have been getting really into hardcore with a dash of metalcore,” said Scott Thiel, Chairperson of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. “An intern has been bugging me to check out Knocked Loose for months now, and when I first heard the ‘ARF ARF’ in ‘Counting Worms,’ I knew it was time to switch things up. Adoptions are up, and that doesn’t include the many, many more new applicants we are denying due to failed background checks and/or sniff checks.”

Almost overnight, the typical demographics of potential adopters shifted towards a younger, more aggressive type of pet owner.

“First of all, ‘Angel’ never made sense as an ASPCA tie-in since multiple popes have declared that animals do not have souls. So how would they become angels?” asked Lyle Powers, former snake guy turned current dog person. “That song just never made me want to throw down and mosh like a maniac. On the contrary- it was a huge bummer. But Knocked Loose? Me and my husky pug mix will see you and your high anxiety mutt in the pit.”

Members of Knocked Loose found themselves struggling with their newfound fame.

“Our streaming numbers are way up and tickets are selling faster than ever, but it’s a lot of elderly people who still watch commercials on TV and want us to autograph a picture of their corgi,” admitted Knocked Loose bassist Kevin Otten. “I came dangerously close to overdosing on lemon squares last night backstage during our show in Burlington. I keep wondering if this is the tipping point. I’m afraid of ‘Counting Worms’ relegating us to the status of one-hit wonder, since it’s easily our catchiest tune. I just don’t want to become another VH1 True Hollywood Story, if they even make those anymore.”

Anonymous sources indicate that a furious McLachlan has hired Kurt Ballou to produce her next album which will feature multiple diss tracks about Knocked Loose.

Ten Underrated Doghouse Records Releases to Listen to While Your Spouse is Mad at You Again

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Doghouse Records formed in Ohio state when actor turned model Ronald Reagan was nearly wrapped with his second term as President of the United States of America, which today doesn’t sound 1/2024th as bad as what we could be dealing with again. Doghouse Records has since put out LPs from Say Anything, The All-American Rejects, The Get-Up Kids, and every other hyphenated band of all time, and all of these acts are too influential to be considered underrated for this here album ranking piece for this incredible label with an amazing catalog. So now it’s time to work for the man; we work for the man with the hot dog stand. After reading this, swing, swing, and run a four-minute mile.

As Friends Rust “Won” (2001)

Despite the fact that Apple Music incorrectly categorizes Gainesville, Florida’s As Friends Rust’s debut full-length studio album “Run” as an “electronic” effort, the melodic hardcore album should be streamed there repeatedly, and also on all other DSPs; it won’t be the first time, it may even be the tenth, but we have no idea what the ever hell Apple Music’s staff members were smoking with this genre description, so Cupertino, we have a problem, and this is us hating you. The band has two full-lengths in their catalog, and this was the first, which to many who ascribe to nursery rhymes would call the worst, but they’d be wrong, LP. In closing, AFR’s second, “Any Joy,” came out just last year after the band’s second reunion in 2008.

The Bigger Lights “Self-Titled” (2010)

How many bands has Ryan Seaman been in and/or drummed for? Don’t answer that, as the number is certainly dramatically higher than 2010 rock/roll groups, and even if you know, you don’t. Fairfax, Virginia’s The Bigger Lights, Seaman’s beyond underappreciated pop rock act featuring other musicians who have been in far less bands, put out their debut self-titled LP, and faded out shortly after. Pity, as the band could’ve been much, much bigger as they had the hooks and looks to back everything up… It’s so crazy that their Spotify monthly listeners are below a couple hundred thousand, let alone as of press time lower than 1700! Maybe it happened this way as the album came out a tad too late, or possibly a scotch too early. Well, what about us? We don’t wanna wait that long again, so get lost in this album from start to finish.

Cruiserweight “Sweet Weaponry” (2005)

Cautionary tale: Family bands either last as long as the living legends amongst living legends Donny & Marie, or just, for lack of a better word, don’t. This particular section of this DR manifesto will undoubtedly come out wrong, so to be honest, all of this pooch negativity will end pronto, so you can righteously let your confidence become whatever the antonym for “waiver” is. If we keep our game face for the rest of this piece, the defunct four-piece act Cruiserweight is one of the more underappreciated bands in the scene, and, bold take/thought alert, possibly one of the more underrated bands from the rock and roll for your party and your soul hub Austin, Texas. Should we let ourselves depend on this primo posit? Hell no!

The Honorary Title “Anything Else but the Truth” (2004)

The bloody panda image that was the central focus on the actual album cover for Brooklyn, New York’s The Honorary Title’s LP “Anything Else but the Truth” is one that we haven’t been able to get out of our collective heads in about two decades, but sadly, the band’s music just never infected enough noggins to have a career post-2009, and if you want anything else but the truth about a band whose career was cut way too short, please read an inferior publication. The Honorary Title even signed a major label deal after this album, released another full-length frame by frame via Reprise Records, but it didn’t exactly light up the sky, and the band has since to put out any other music since, making there zero reason to celebrate anything ever and ever amen.

Jet Lag Gemini “Fire the Cannons” (2007)

This will be the second and last time that we bring up Spotify monthly listeners in this piece as a non-controversial measuring stick, but how the heck does Mahwah, yes, MAHWAH, New Jersey’s Jet Lag Gemini have below NINE HUNDRED monthly listeners? If it was up to us, and as you know, it most certainly should be, “Fire the Cannons” would be consistently played at Emo Nites every few minutes or hour on the hour, but JLG just didn’t have the staying power to run any city for 21+ year olds in 2024. We hope that this article changes such for JLG, and that the band finds a way to infect TikTok to mobilize tweens to metaphorically go to war for the weaponry.

Koufax “Strugglers” (2008)

Easter eggs for our OCD readers: Koufax was also listed in our underrated Vagrant Records piece with their perfect 2002 LP “Social Life” almost unintentionally starting yours. In this sick and sad world of underration and struggling, Koufax stands firm and tall as one of the more underappreciated and unknown ones on God’s green earth, and you need, we said NEED to check out their full-length studio album “Strugglers” stat! Also, this may be the lone band listed here that can please both nepo baby Coachella attendees and punks way too old to enjoy music and life at Riot Fest. Plus, the album cover for this one rips louder than Hulk Hogan’s non-racist or generally problematic character in “No Holds Barred.” So roll the dice, and take a chance on, take a chance on this LP, and recognize that a California based staff member taught you well.

Limbeck “Hi, Everything’s Great” (2003)

Hi, basically nothing is great, because this Limbeck effort didn’t conquer both Stagecoach crowds and Lollapalooza vixens. Why? Someone is in the doghouse now, amirite? Is it because they’re from the alt-right Proud Boy wasteland of Orange County? Wilco and Limbeck not only have the same amount of syllables in their band name, and play in the vacuous alt-country (what the hell is that?) solar system world, but both acts have VERY different degrees of success. While Limbeck had a solid run of full-length studio records up until 2007, Wilco headlines much larger venues and even put out anal bum cover/buck futter in 2023 called “Cousin,” which may or may not be about Limbeck. Spoiler alert: It isn’t but Limbeck rips, bro, and “Hi, Everything’s Great” may sound sarcastic because it is, but our love for this band and particular album certainly isn’t.

Moods for Moderns “Loud and Clear” (2001)

Detroit has gotten BEYOND gentrified in the years that followed 9/11, but sadly nothing fixed the Motor City act known as Moods for Moderns, and this specific full-length studio album entry, “Loud and Clear,” is the band’s last, and its literal title truly sounds like a record from The Sleeping, but with far less Guitar Hero success. What’s your mood now? Is it contemporary? Any band with a bassist with the last name “Force” truly should’ve awakened the world boisterously and milky white. How does it feel to be the only one to know that you’re right? You mustn’t know. It’s quite funny, at least to us arbiters of humor and taste, that this record has a song called “Two Tracks Left” in the fifth song position, and that there are in fact five others that subsequently follow. That’s rich AND long distance dedication!

Paulson “All at Once” (2007)

The aughts rock world was seemingly sponsored by New Jersey, and even though that’s a bad thing objectively/subjectively, Midland Park’s Paulson deserved endorsement in more blogs, journals, magazines, and MySpace Top Eights! This entry for “All at Once” has a caveat, but we are all for being saucy and spicy little tomatoes, so we will let you know the lowdown dirty truth that it first was released via the reverential One Day Savior Recordings in late-2005, and re-released through Doghouse Records just under a year and a half later; please forgive us for this mention. Paulson, we’re calling on you to make more music as it has been too long since we’ve heard a new song. In conclusion, we need to say that we miss PureVolume and your mom.

River City High “Won’t Turn Down” (2001)

Let’s end this with a bang, shall we? UH HUH! You can’t slow us down in the A.M. or the P.M. So, if this article wasn’t strictly online and came out via the print medium, you couldn’t turn the page down, as this is the last entry here, but please don’t attempt to anyway, as we can’t take that kind of rejection. Richmond, Virginia may be more known for Will Beasley than aughts rock bands, but “Won’t Turn Down” deserves to be played at eleven. In fact, this particular record is likely responsible for the band eventually signing to the major label MCA Records but we plead the fifth on whether or not it caused the band to NOT release music on the label, as it folded during their term. Hard rock never sounded so sad, at least that’s what Belle said one day!

Five Finger Death Punch Merch Table Doubles as Army Recruitment Booth

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LAS VEGAS — Heavy metal band Five Finger Death Punch recently transformed their merchandise table into a fully functioning Army recruitment center, sources close to the band report.

“We noticed that people who listen to our music seem to skew towards either ‘already in the armed forces’ or ‘considering joining.’ Fans attending our concerts can now pick up a shirt and enlist in the U.S. Army—all in one convenient stop,” Ivan Moody, lead vocalist for the band stated. “Why not give our fans a chance to show their love for their country in the most direct way possible? We will actually have buses waiting to take them to basic training straight from the show. It’s better that way, so they don’t have time to rethink their decision after the energy of the concert wears off.”

Some fans have expressed discomfort with the increasingly militarized atmosphere at the shows.

“I knew that their music pandered to military guys, but this is too far. The opening act was some guy in camos just talking about all the cool guns we’d get to use and how the Army will give us a sense of purpose and duty,” complained one concert-goer, who preferred to remain anonymous. “I bought a poster and when they handed me the credit card receipt to sign I realized it was seven pages long and conscripted me to military service for a year. That seems fucked up to me.”

Experts have found this experiment disturbing, but not at all surprising.

“Five Finger Death Punch leans heavily into military themes in their music and imagery. This collaboration just takes that support to the next level,” noted Dr. Emily Greene, a professor of Media and Military Studies at UNLV. “Recruitment is painfully low so the Army is doing anything they can to bolster its numbers. However, using music venues as recruitment grounds blurs the line between entertainment and enlistment in ways that could exploit the fanbase’s enthusiasm. Most of these kids don’t know what ‘Got Your Six’ even means.”

As people continue to debate the appropriateness of this partnership, Five Finger Death Punch have already announced that going forward all of their mosh pits will be under the strict control of a drill sergeant.

Quiz: Are You Horny for Pornography or Just Really Scared About North Korea and Would Like To Distract Yourself for a Few Minutes?

Posted on by Griffin Constant

As tensions across the globe rise into unprecedented levels of intense technological advancement mixed with the takedown of free will of any kind, we might find ourselves in a constant waking state of terror, basically all of the time. Everyone copes with this stress differently and I don’t know about you but being forced to sit idle while our entire country willingly elects a dictator with unruly prison camp plans, several ongoing global conflicts, and North Korea constantly coming in at the perfect time to really push our fear to the absolute edge, makes me want to edge a different way.

During these times of existential fear, one might concern themselves with their pornography consumption, but fear not, this quiz will let you know for sure, whether you’re just horny for pornography or just really scared about North Korea and would like to distract yourself for a few minutes so you can briefly just forget about the whole thing.

Question 1: When was the first time you watched cartoon pornography? If it so happens to be when we first learned that Kim and Putin had signed a treaty stating that in the event of an invasion of Russia or North Korea, the “other party shall provide military and other assistance without delay by all means at its disposal in accordance with Article 51 of the U.N. Charter”.

Yes: you are totally spooked, just like me, it’s okay!

No: Please read the news once in a while, pervert.

Question 2: Did you just so happen to start watching a “film” about a naughty boy getting spanked and wanked by his big breasted step mother after you got a news alert to your phone that North Korea plans to deploy troops to aid Russia with Ukraine’s takedown? Did you finish anyway and cry later without any discernible reason?

Yes: You’re concerned. This is the only coping mechanism you have without a serious drug relapse.

No: This is the first you’re hearing about this whole North Korea thing, and now you’re watching the one where the stepmom is stuck in the dryer.

Question 3: Do you find yourself alternating between live news updates and Pornhub faster than North Korea switches between threats and demands for sanctions relief?
Yes: Yep, your thumb has developed carpal tunnel from the constant app-switching, I recommend getting yourself a dual-monitor system set up for maximum efficiency.

No: Again, I simply plead with you to read the news once in a while. If you have been, you’d be seeking distractions like this as well!

Remember, whether you’re stockpiling canned goods or downloading terabytes of content for your spank bunker, we’re all just trying to survive the potential apocalypse. Maybe invest in a better VPN before the next international crisis hits. After all, America’s next supreme leader might be taking the freedom to “distract ourselves” away nationwide pretty soon.