Landlord Fines Tenant for Undisclosed Roommates After Reporting Bedbug Infestation

Posted on by Ben Friedman

QUEENS, N.Y. — Local man Nate McKellen was shocked to find that his landlord slapped him with a massive fine for housing undisclosed roommates after reporting a bedbug infestation in his apartment, other building tenants have confirmed.

“Listen, it specifically states on the lease that anyone renting an apartment with multiple tenants, be they possess vertebrae or thorax, has to get the OK from me first. It feels like Nate was reporting this alleged infestation after they wouldn’t pay rent or something, and wants me to kick them out for him,” said landlord Terry Franklin. “$10 per roommate is more than fair, especially when you’re talking about five hundred of them. He thought he could get away with it, but you can’t pull a fast one on old Terry.”

McKellen was blindsided by his landlord’s accusation of trying to split the rent between hundreds of blood-sucking insects.

“I am literally throwing out everything I own and this guy has the balls to tape a letter to my door insinuating that I invited these fuckers? I pay $3,000 a month for a studio with black mold, bad plumbing, and a radiator that never shuts off no matter how hot it is. Apparently, now it’s my fault he never sprays for bugs,” said McKellen as he was throwing trash bags of clothing out of his window. “Does he think I put out a Craigslist ad for hundreds of parasites to move in and we’re all just having a grand old time here? I’m not surprised, after all this is the same guy who tried to hit me with a small pet fee after I reported a huge rat in my kitchen last month. Maybe I’ll mail him some of my ‘roommates’ with my fine.”

Tenant rights advocates noted these kinds of fines are sadly becoming more commonplace.

“Property ownership has increasingly become a game of how hard you can fuck your renters, and much of said fucking has come in the form of gratuitous fines and infractions. We’ve fought back against plenty of landlords and their frivolous penalties like the one guy who alleged his tenant was illegally subletting to a ghost,” said Megan Williams. “These people should take a good look in the mirror next time they want to fine someone for bugs, since they clearly need a reminder who’s the real vermin.”

As of press time, McKellen was served an eviction notice after his landlord had also accused him of operating an illegal Airbnb for carpenter ants.

Wow! “Smilin’ Bob” From the Enzyte Commercials Still Has an Erection Despite Being Dead for 6 Years

Posted on by Chris Bowen

If you’re over the age of 30, and like me, incessantly watched TV while every other kid you knew was outside skateboarding, you probably remember Smilin’ Bob. You know, the creepy guy on the commercial for the erectile dysfunction pills called Enzyte. The whistling, the ear-to-ear smile, the stupid waving etc. Well, a research team at Montana State University-Northern, seemingly bit by the nostalgia bug, decided to catch up with him. While hard to believe, the results are throbbing with amazement.

However, the team catching up with Smilin’ Bob found that it would be no easy task.

“Our team scoured the internet for several minutes before coming to the conclusion that Bob had in fact died in federal prison 6 years ago…but that wasn’t going to hold us back,” Gary Neldridge MSU researcher and project lead explained. “Nostalgia is one heck of a drug, so a couple colleagues and myself grabbed some masks and some shovels, then went off to the Berkeley County cemetery!”

After about 45 minutes of aggressive digging, what they discovered was something none of them could ever have imagined.

“When we popped the casket, and the dust cleared, we all immediately noticed the same thing: Smilin’ Bob’s skull had that patented grin on his face! It was pretty cool, I must say! It was a remarkable find…..Oh, we also noticed his corpse still had a throbbing erection as well,” Neldridge stated. “But how cool was it to have a TV icon right in front of our very own eyes?!”

The team decided to take it a bit further, really trying to get into the life of the man behind the boner.

“Since we had access to Bob’s corpse, which had been remarkably preserved due to the sheer amount of Enzyte that was in his body when he died,” a researcher said. “We thought, ‘the world needs to know the truth behind Bob’s death and that the story of him bleeding to death after a barbell from the prison weight room dropped on his perma-boner was all a myth! Because as we could see, it was all still there, and clearly still functioning even after being dead and buried for all those years.”

Enzyte is a thing of the past now, we’ll never really know how Smilin’ Bob left this mortal coil. Could it have been boner pill-related? Maybe he smiled at the wrong person while being locked up in federal prison? One thing we do know, is that Bob is still Smilin’ even in the grave, and so is his wife!

Wedding DJ Shocked to Learn Any Music Has Been Recorded After 1998

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ST. LOUIS — Local wedding DJ Ron “Mixmaster” McAllister was left in a state of utter bewilderment last Saturday after discovering that all music did not, in fact, cease to be produced after the year 1998, confirmed baffled sources.

“I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought that the ‘Cha Cha Slide’ was the last song ever put down,” admitted McAllister, whose music collection truncates with Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from the “Armageddon” soundtrack. “Who are these Taylor Swift and Ice Spice people? I thought the music ended when it had peaked with Goo Goo Dolls, Whitney Houston, and Boyz II Men. I had no idea that people kept making new music after that. I mean, why would they when you already have Bryan Adams’ ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It for You’? You can’t go up from there.”

However, local newlyweds Jessica and Mike Stevens wanted to share their first dance to one of their favorite chart-toppers from the 2010s, which only confused McAllister.

“We asked if he could play our song ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran and [McAlister] just stared at us blankly. I mean, it’s a really popular song, people actually make fun of us for picking such a basic song,” said the bride, who burst into tears when McAllister played “The Chicken Dance.” “So we asked for ‘Get Lucky’ by Pharrell Williams, ‘Levitating’ by Dua Lipa, or anything by Post Malone or Chappell Roan. He didn’t even realize we were listing musicians. Christ, we would have even taken ‘Blurred Lines.’”

Dr. Christina Harmon, professor of Wedding Music Theory at Washington University, is quite familiar with this all too common phenomenon.

“Most wedding DJs are at least 20 years behind the curve of popular music. You can still hear ‘Macarena,’ ‘Achy Breaky Heart,’ and ‘YMCA’ at most weddings, as if nothing better has come out since. It might get the parent’s dancing, but newlyweds don’t want to hear it,” Dr. Harmon explained. “Most of these DJs got their start in the ’80s and ’90s and never updated their playlists. The result is an endless loop of ‘The Electric Slide,’ ‘Shout,’ and ‘Don’t Stop Believin.’ It’s as if these DJs are frozen in time, oblivious to the evolution of music past the days of ‘The Hokey Pokey’ and ‘Sweet Caroline.'”

As of press time, McAllister admits that he has fallen behind in the times and has announced that he will start investing in Compact Discs as a means to catch up with modern trends and has already added PSY’s “Gangnam Style” to his repertoire.

CIA A Little Insulted Venezuela Held Sham Election Without Them

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — The US State Department held an emergency press conference this morning expressing that it was honestly a little bit insulted that the CIA was not invited to participate in Venezuela’s allegedly rigged election, officials have confirmed.

“We’re not saying the Venezuelan government can’t pack the election commission with loyalists, it just would’ve been nice to be invited that’s all. Sure we tried to plot a coup to oust Maduro, but we said we’re sorry and those sanctions were just for show! But finding this all out from a Snapchat from Argentina about Maduro claiming victory before the votes were even counted was a dagger through the heart,” said CIA spokesperson Jeff Wallace. “Now the official U.S. response has to be about condemning the election’s ‘integrity and transparency’ and not because they never asked for weapons to squash the opposition.”

Venezuelan government officials stated that they are able to hold a sham election without the United States hovering over them.

“We love the CIA’s work, but they don’t have to be involved with every backdoor shadow government scheme in Latin America. It’s hard enough maintaining a vice-like grip on an election when half your country lives below poverty, but I think we learned enough from them over the past 40 years where we can fly on our own. We’re totally capable of deploying our own machine gun toting paramilitary loyalists to prevent opposition voters from protesting the results,” said Hector Cordero. “We appreciate their efforts to control the region, but President Maduro wants to prove to the world that his cabinet can be openly violent and corrupt all by itself.”

Historians noted that this break from letting the CIA interfere with an election was nothing short of historic.

“Manipulating elections is as American as apple pie, and as nefarious as that sounds the CIA has every right to feel like Maduro is being a backstabbing bitch. Not even a text like ‘hey, can you help us block an opposition party nomination and crush a former diplomat in this election?’ or anything,” said Margaret Furman. “Venezuela is acting like they’re too good for assistance from a resource hungry superpower in exchange for oil. It’s a little ungrateful if you ask me, and it’ll probably blow up in their faces when the inevitable coup arrives and the U.S. won’t help Maduro flee.”

As of press time, the CIA announced that in an act of retaliation, Venezuela would be sanctioned from attending the agency’s Christmas party.

Olympic Skateboarding Competition Interrupted by Irate Woman Who Says the Noise Is Scaring Her Dog

Posted on by Trevor Graham

PARIS — The Olympic men’s street skateboarding final was interrupted mid-competition by a visibly flustered woman who said the sounds were scaring her dog, sources who remember when skating was a lot cooler confirmed.

“All these kids need to stop what they’re doing here right now because it’s making way too much noise and it’s scaring Monsieur Bonbon!,” said Carine Buchard standing in the middle of the street course holding a small white dog. “These kids do not belong here. This is a nice neighborhood for real Olympic sports like gymnastics and water polo. This is not some place for these drug dealers to play. Can’t they go do their skateboarding tricks on a half-pike somewhere else?”

Although the woman’s actions delayed the competition, some of the skater athletes say they actually did not mind the interruption.

“Yeah, it honestly didn’t bother me to see that lady out there yelling at all of us. If anything it made it feel like a real skate session,” said skater Tom Schaar. “I’m from Malibu and I’ve been a little homesick since coming to Paris but having some lady in expensive athleisure wear holding a small dog telling me to go skate somewhere else really made me feel right at home. It really hit home when she pretended to cry and claimed we were attacking her.”

Olympic officials say the interruption has given them new insights into the world of skateboarding and that it may have been a blessing in disguise.

“After speaking with some of the athletes we have concluded that someone trying to stop these skateboarders’ fun is very authentic and true to the sport,” said Olympic official Donald Reeves. “We are looking to possibly add a ‘Karen evasion’ component to future competitions. We need to make sure this will not give an unfair advantage to Team USA however as those competitors may have vast experience trying to skate in uptight, entitled areas and will easily win that portion of the competition.”

At press time, Ms. Buchard was quoted as saying she is looking to call the local Parks Department after coming across “A bunch of mountain bikers doing some kind of a race on the trail I took my dog on.”

Classic Rock Station Plays All the Hits from Boston’s “More Than a Feeling” to Boston’s “Peace of Mind”

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MILWAUKEE – Local FM classic rock station 104.7 WRFM proudly advertises its daily rotation of playing “all the hits” despite the fact that the hosts only play two songs on an endless loop, frustrated sources on their morning commutes confirmed.

“For over 40 years, Wisconsinites have been dialing in to get their daily dose of skull-crushing rock, which we always deliver with minimal commercial interruption,” said station D.J. Randy Mifflin. “We’re known for playing all the hits from the ‘70s and ‘80s, including Boston, to keep that head banging throughout your day. If you’re looking for something to satisfy your Boston itch, boy, have we got the stuff for you. Just be sure to turn the volume up to drown out your complaining neighbors. After all, this ain’t your grandpa’s radio station.”

Milwaukee resident Brett Murphy reacted with equal parts exasperation and frustration.

“I’ve completely given up on WRFM,” Murphy responded. “If I hear those opening acoustic chords to ‘Peace of Mind’ one more time I’m going to lose my fucking mind. I work in a garage that only has a radio, too, so it’s not like I can put on Spotify or anything. Their DJ even makes comments like ‘time to get the Led out!’ even though I’ve never even heard him play so much as ‘Black Dog.’ At this point I’ve switched to another station that only plays ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ and like, four songs by the Eagles.”

Broadcasting expert Keisha Brouchard commented on the impact of the disconnect between local radio stations and their listeners.

“People who still listen to FM radio withstand an unbelievable amount of repetition,” said Brouchard. “Whether it’s the constant barrage of shitty Twisted Tea commercials or the need to continuously spin ‘Crazy Train’ for whatever reason, stations are seemingly unaware that they are pushing their listeners to descend into madness. The human brain is only capable of enduring so much, and what we hear on FM radio isn’t all that different from actual torture when you think about it. In fact, the CIA can save itself time by just turning on a nearby radio in lieu of creating those torture playlists out of Drowning Pool songs and the Meow Mix theme.”

At press time, WRFM announced it would be expanding its catalog by playing the first 15 seconds of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” three times every hour.

Opinion: That Guy Who Follows the Same Pornstars as Me on Instagram Is a Real Creep

Posted on by Dan Rice

I had an extremely toxic relationship with social media for years, but I’ve finally whittled it down to just one perfectly curated Instagram consisting of adorable dogs, movie nostalgia pages, and plus-sized adult actresses’. All of the dopamine, none of the drama! That is, until recently. It seems my perfectly customized digital bubble has been burst, now that it’s come to my attention that this guy Kevin I know follows one of my favorite pornstars. And really, it makes sense that he follows pornstars on Instagram, the guy is a total creep!

I seriously don’t understand why Instagram insists on showing you when “friends” interact with posts on your feed. Now I’m burdened with the knowledge that some loser creepo perv like Kevin is gooning over the same picture of Estella Bathory’s ass as I am. Really kills the vibe!

Just look at the way this asshole interacts with them. Commenting with just the peach, squirt, and heart eyes emojis? Completely tasteless, I would never do that. When I am particularly aroused by a photo a pornstar posts to Instagram I show my appreciation by commenting something simple and elegant, like just the word “Divine” or “Breathtaking.” It’s called class Kevin, look it up!

It sickens me to think someone might assume I have anything in common with some sketchball like Kevin just because we happened to like the same photo of an Asian teenager dressed as Velma Dinkly looking for her glasses in a suggestive manner. Someone I know could stumble across that post, see that I liked it, and then see that Kevin also liked it, and get the idea that I’m some sort of weirdo like him.

I want to put this out there to any adult models who may be concerned—if this creep Kevin is bothering you in your DMs, you just let me know sweetheart, and I’ll straighten it out. Just reply to one of my DMs where I’m telling you how beautiful you are but it’s totally cool that you’re not replying to me. I send some version of that out about once a week so it should be easy to find. Or if you just need an empath to talk to, or whatever!

Wait, Kevin has “empath” in his bio too? Jesus, what a fucking predator!

Metalhead Wakes from Horrible Nightmare Where Vest Had Sleeves

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

EUGENE, Ore. — Local metalhead and part-time barista Oscar “Grouch” Palmer woke from a horrible nightmare in which his treasured denim vest had somehow grown terrifying, constricting sleeves, nearby sources confirmed.

“I woke up sweatier than I’ve ever been before,” said Palmer. “Which is really saying something. I was at [local bar and venue] John Henry’s, except that it wasn’t really John Henry’s, you know? And I could feel something binding me, something dark and disturbing that was keeping me from raising my arms unnecessarily high near people and showing off my pit hair. Then I looked down, and these shit-hideous tubes of cloth had somehow grown all over my arms, like some kind of fucking David Cronenberg body horror. My beautiful vest. My vest!”

“Hesher” Fletcher Morton, Palmer’s close friend, roommate, and bandmate in three non-gigging groups, spoke as a representative for every inhabitant of the house, which totals seven.

“I’ve never seen Grouch so shaken up,” said Morton, bringing the teary Palmer a lukewarm PBR for his nerves. “Not even that time he had a bad dream in which he washed and conditioned his hair and said that it felt light and bouncy. But sleeves, man, that’s fucked up. The only thing worse would be, like, if all of my patches and clothespins came off and then crawled over my face and choked me and, just as I died, whispered ‘Taylor Swift rules.’”

Dream therapist Bryant Wallace offered to make an appointment with Palmer to discuss his terrifying vest dream, pending confirmation of his parents’ insurance.

“It is not unusual for the people and things one loves most to resurface in terrifying and, frankly, impossible combinations in a nightmare,” said Wallace. “Because a metalhead like Mr. Palmer would no more have sleeves on his totemic vest than a punk would have a career-track job or a Charli XCX fan would shut up on Twitter. It must inherently be a source of anxiety for him. In many ways, ‘dream sleeves’ are his mind’s way of processing his fears that someday he may lose the freedom to have his bare, unwashed arms stinking up a concert venue and be forced to be a contributing member of society.”

As of press time, Palmer was moaning in his sleep as he dreamed he was in a mosh pit where everyone was apologizing to each other.

Photo by Bone Jawnson.

10 Ways to Say No to Drugs Unless the Person You Have a Crush On is Also Doing Them

Posted on by Zac Lux

So you’re on a sobriety kick, I get it, we’ve all been there. Or, maybe you’re straight edge, haven’t even tasted the sweet release of an ibuprofen during the most manic of headaches. Here’s a few ways that have worked for us to say NO to drugs. At least until our crush showed up.

“No thanks, I’m good”

Can go a long way. Unless of course, the person holding a jazz-cigarette in your face is your crush, and you’re at a party with a ton of other super hot people that they may take a liking to if you don’t smoke this joint right FUCKING now. If that’s the case then, despite your history with weed and how it makes you insurmountably paranoid even with your closest friends, you can backpedal with something suave like, “Actually, you know what? Call me potty-mouth because I think I would like a drag of that sweet-leaf, daddio.” Then BOOM you’re in. Now just build up some saliva to fight the cotton-mouth so you can ask them out.

“Sorry, I’m stuffed”

This is a bonafide classic when you don’t want to consume any (or any more, looking at you, Andy) psilocybin mushrooms. However if your crush looks a little bummed out you won’t be taking a trip with them, tag on “…But I can always make room for dessert!” And toss a couple of those bad larries down your gullet. See you love-birds in a few hours!

“I don’t do well in the snow”

So your crush comes up to you again, this time asking to go to the bathroom with them to do lines of cocaine off the water tank of the only working toilet in the downstairs bathroom at the local Goth club. Of course they did, you stud! Give ‘em the ol’ “I don’t do well in the snow,” until they start eying the sound-guy person who’s wearing a sick vintage “Transformers” t-shirt. “But I love the Winter Olympics!” Go into that bathroom and luge those lines, big guy.

“For the last time, my name isn’t Molly.”

A steadfast approach to deter someone from offering you designer drugs. But let’s say you’re at a rave in the desert with a bunch of burners. And one of them is super cute and you have to look cool. Follow this up with “unless you were doing a ‘Call Me By Your Name’ thing, then do that, (Insert your name here).” and pop one of those pills, Molly, because you’re about to have a nice evening with your crush. You’ll hardly be sweating at all. You’re gonna smell great. Make sure you call them by your name the rest of the night to keep up with the bit they instilled.

“Fentanyl? More like Fenta-NO”

There isn’t a backpedal quip for this one. Don’t even do this if your crush is doing it, please.

“I can’t. I need to drive my kids to soccer practice later”

Is a good way to turn down a dozen beers. “But maybe it’ll actually make me less nervous while driving” So your crush knows that not only do you know how to party, but you’re also a considerate parent.

“Crack is wack”

This slogan was huge in the ‘80s. If someone offers you crack, you can squash the offer with this simple saying. But if it’s your crush, good freaking luck, buddy. Toss on a “But I’m wackier” there and freebase that shit if you really want to impress them. You will be trying to steal a cop’s gun in no time.

“Turn on? Tune in? OPT out.”

Throw a spin on this old Timothy Leary quote to shut down any hippie waving a sheet of LSD in your face. For your crush—just leave it at “Turn ON.” and slob that paper down. Your crush will think it’s so hot. Hang in there, it may be a bumpy ride, but think of your crush. You HAVE to do this.

“I’m no angel”

If anyone offers you PCP, or “angel dust” give them this. “But I’ll be your Devil” when your crush asks. That’ll sound VERY cool, and not lame, you sexy devil. Do your best to not get absurdly aggressive. That would be a major buzzkill.

“Don’t need any. I’m all natural, baby”

To make flaccid any offering of blue chew. But if your crush insists? “Maybe it’ll amplify how natural I am” Strap in. Do your best to not get stage fright. And remember to call the physician if you have been too “natural” for too long of time.

Rural Vegan’s Basement Fridge Stocked With 600 Pounds of Impossible Beef

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

BOSEMAN, Mont. — Local vegan and doomsday prepper Abe Friesen stocked his basement refrigerator with 600 pounds of Impossible beef, confirmed sources.

“I got a whole year’s supply of Impossible beef in one go by purchasing the entire slab. Not only did I save money, but you don’t know what the woke government puts in cow beef anyways,” said Friesen, who couldn’t list a single ingredient of the meat substitute product. “My underground bunker is fully loaded with Impossible beef tip, sirloin, and t-bone. Hell, I even have Impossible Kobe and Wagyu beef. All I know is that when the world ends, and it will, likely next month, I’ll be eating like a cruelty-free king every day, the simulated juices of my bounty dripping down my chin.”

Local butcher Will Delatraz says Friesen isn’t the only vegan buying Impossible Foods products in bulk.

“Montana’s long been a haven for introverted right-wing nut jobs,” reported Delatraz. “And the liberal media never reports that there are vegans on the right side of the aisle too. I’d say a good 40% of my business is Ted Kaczynski types that bring in slabs of Impossible beef as big as minivans for me to cut up. Sure, I don’t get the same satisfaction from cutting up soy protein as I do from slicing through the rotting flesh of a dead animal that probably just wanted to live peacefully in nature like a loser, but money’s money and I have bills to pay. So are you guys going to buy some meat or what?”

Impossible Foods CEO Peter McGuinness is already capitalizing on the economy’s next emerging market.

“Maybe I shouldn’t say anything, but we’re developing life-like animatronic wildlife made out of Impossible products to roam the wild after people are gone,” said McGuinnes while scarfing down a Triple Baconator from Wendy’s. “Even after society inevitably collapses due to the corporate greed of companies that aren’t us, Impossible Foods will still satisfy the needs of our customers and shareholders. Impossible-based wild cows, deer, turkeys, rabbits, bison, and other kinds of animals will all be on offer. That way, post-apocalyptic vegan hunters will be able to hunt, kill, and process animals to provide sustenance for their families; just like God intended.”

At press time, Friesen was seen picking Impossible gristle from between his teeth.