Archaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient Rome

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

ROME — After reconstructing an ancient piece of pottery featuring various Roman gladiators categorized by their perceived strength, ability, and matchup spread, a team of archaeologists in Italy determined that they had unearthed the earliest example of a recorded tier list.

“It’s generally accepted that gladiator fights existed mostly to distract and placate the Roman citizens,” said lead archaeologist David Bradford. “Our discoveries this week suggest this distraction extended far beyond the coliseum, with some Romans wasting hours upon days debating whether such-and-such fighter was top 5 or just top 10. It’s incredible how much energy these ancient Romans wasted on these debates when they could have been working on improving their skills instead.”

Bradford’s team also discovered a series of broken tablets etched with the discussions and debates that lead to the creation of this tier list, which they have come to refer to as “the Smashed Boards.” Thanks to modern reconstruction techniques, many of these comments were able to be translated and preserved in a digital archive.

“There is no way Pollentius is A tier,” read one Smashed Board comment. “His spear’s range gives him the edge against heavy fighters, but he has a losing matchup against faster gladiators like Audacius, or Mordax the Swift. He’s B tier at best.”

“Markus is overpowered and uninteresting to watch, easily top 3,” read another translated comment. “Caesar should command his right hamstring be cut in the name of justice and fairness.” It appears Caesar may have agreed, as later depictions of the gladiator Markus portray him with a bandage on his right thigh, an accessory of the time commonly known as a “balance patch.”

At press time, Bradford’s team had just announced that they discovered yet another discussion tablet, this one suggesting the existence of a surprisingly large sub-community that insisted on following an older, outlawed version of the gladiatorial rules which only permitted melee combat.

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Unemployed Kevin Sorbo Sends Ben Shapiro His Headshot Just in Case

Posted on by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Out-of-work actor and outspoken conservative Kevin Sorbo sent his professional headshot to political commentator and apparent filmmaker Ben Shapiro in the off-chance his upcoming movie with Gina Carano needed more “unfairly treated” thespians, “lamestream media” sources confirmed.

“The Hollywood elites have not given me consistent work, and it’s clear that it’s because of my conservative viewpoints despite my unquestionable acting ability,” said Sorbo while updating his Twitter bio to read that he identifies as an attack helicopter. “I’ve got a ton of range, too — I can play anything from a guy who’s been victimized by cancel culture, to a man who’s been oppressed by the PC police. You name it, I can do it on the big screen… or at least the ‘made for TV’ screen. I think that’s called method acting.”

Professional little baby-man Shapiro chimed in on Sorbo’s interest in the movie.

“This is America. If Kevin wants a part in this project, he’s going to have to earn it fair and square, or be related to one of the producers,” said Shapiro before turning to his children to explain that they will not ever participate in the “socialist” trick-or-treating part of Halloween. “We base our casting on facts and logic here. That’s why we forgo pointless auditions altogether, and simply evaluate an actor’s past tweets to make sure they can effectively trigger the libs. Anyone can read from a script. The real talent is when an actor can, pardon my language, ‘p’ off the left.”

Experts cited this upcoming project as part of a new trend in the film industry.

“Just wait until Candace Owens, Jordan Peterson, and the guy from the ‘change my mind’ memes earn enough money to buy a copy of Final Draft so they can write their own scripts,” said movie critic Jan Spencerville. “Next thing you know we’ll see Scott Baio winning Best Actor for his role in ‘12 Angry Men in Trucks’ at a Hobby Lobby-sponsored Conservative Academy Awards. It’s just another example of cultural evolution. Or devolution. One of them.”

At press time, Shapiro decided to give the role of “misunderstood patriot who rises up to triumphantly win an internet argument defending the second amendment” to Dean Cain.

Inspiring: This Woman Spent the Pandemic Turning All of Her Underwear Into Period Underwear

Posted on by Krissy Howard

LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Local woman Bette DeVargas made use of her time home during the Coronavirus pandemic by turning every single pair of her underwear into panties reserved for soaking up period blood each month, sources report.

“Honestly, it wasn’t even something I was planning to do — it started out as an accident when my period showed up a few days early last August or May or whatever, who can remember,” DeVargas said of the months-long project she started and completed while in quarantine. “By January, I only had one pair of unstained underwear left, but thanks to two blood-thinning Tylenol and one Diva Cup I was just unwilling to empty out before bed on night two of my last period, we brought it all the way home.”

DeVargas attributes the success of the project to factors like boredom, living in the same sweatpants for weeks on end, and a baseline level of constant depression that may or may not be symptomatic of the current state of the world.

“I guess when it comes to allowing myself to just bleed out like a stuck pig all over my clothes every month, I’d have to credit my general lack of ability to stay on top of anything other than my basic human needs… along with the impending sense of hopelessness and dread I feel every day,” DeVargas explained. “Also, the fact that the waistbands are totally blown out on basically all of my underwear certainly helped with the whole ‘getting dark red blood that smells like iron and dead shit’ all over them thing. I’m not really one to believe in fate, per se, but it is kind of curious how this whole thing just kinda came together.”

Experts report that staying occupied has been an important part of getting through a year-long lockdown.

“We’ve witnessed people coping in a number of ways, from almost ordering Rosetta Stone before abandoning the purchase once they’ve realized their credit card is in the other room, to seeing if slippers technically count as shoes enough to enter the post office,” said clinical psychologist Dr. Marian Tan. “I’ve taken to endlessly scrolling until the days all blend together, which works great. It’s all about finding the right fit for your lifestyle.”

After successful completion, DeVargas has moved on to her new “pandemic project” — seeing how long she can ignore being stabbed in the tit by the broken underwire poking out of the one bra she wears to some Zoom meetings.

If Huffing Glue Is Wrong, Why Can’t I Feel My Face and Where Am I?

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

I’m sick and tired of the double standard when it comes to drug use in this country. If you want to drink until you’re blind that’s perfectly legal, and even in states where marijuana is illegal nobody judges you for it. Well, weed gives me anxiety and drinking just brings me back to normal at this point, so when I need to unwind I have myself a relaxing huff of glue. What of it?

That’s right, I’m a huffer, and it’s about time you all stop giving me shit for it. I’m tired of getting the side-eye from soccer moms at the grocery store every time I bust out a paper bag of the good-sticky to help me decide which pringles to buy. I’m sick of being told “Hey, that shit can literally kill you instantly!” I’m sick of being fired.

Hell, I’m high on glue right now and not only am i type words good, where the fuck am I?

*Hrrrrrrf*

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
So I sniff som glue. Who care? It not hurting you! It not hurting me neither. Mind fine–maybe better than fine. Glue feel gud.
Ramones do glue too. You no like Ramones? What poser. Watch hand lurn.

Glue come from earth so how make body bad?

*Hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrf*

Ahhhhh *cough cough*

See, that wasn’t barhd at alp. My head feels a bittle weird now toe. Tingly. Alpo, who is typing these word? Fingers move but who brain them? Maybe more glue help figure out.

Thda smell good no hurt more so whyd say bad for face, no face now blurry numb.

*HRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFF*

*Thud*

Josdfei9fewopjwefpjiwewwj qwjwjadsa aw dwqd dzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

*****

Ughhhhhh.
Wha-what time? I think fell slept on floor. Who puked on shirt? That’s gropes. How it all over room? Who house this anyday?

Ringing so loud.

Hardcore Scene Rebrands as Running Group

Posted on by Dan Vanderpool

OAKLAND, Calif. — The local Oakland hardcore scene announced today that it will collectively convert to being a heavily tattooed running group after months of debate as to what to do while living without live shows, confirmed sources icing their knees and backs.

“Going to shows and fucking people up during my friend’s bands’ sets used to be something I looked forward to every week,” said show-goer turned running enthusiast Dustin Geiger. “Obviously, the music was a big part of it, but moshing and head walking were my primary sources of cardio. With everyone stuck inside and not much else to bond over other than piling on each other on social media, it just got to a point where we had to find another way. Running has been a great outlet, even if some of the straight edge kids are worrying about the ‘runner’s high’ and whether that counts as an edge break.”

Many active scene members flocked to the running group after realizing they had put on too much weight to be supported after a stage dive.

“I mean, at first it was tough as hell to run even a mile, because the most exercise I’d been getting was walking from my couch to the fridge,” said Megan Lee, who joined the running group early last month. “It took me a couple outings to realize running wasn’t just two-stepping in a forward motion, or that I’m not supposed to throw elbows when I pass other runners — that was awkward. But the group has been really inspiring. Especially all the female runners, who are always planning the running routes and making sure everyone is hydrated.”

The changes have also been a boon to local businesses.

“One day, all these people in camo shorts and AirMax 90s started showing up to get outfitted for running,” said Zeke Wilson, who owns a local fitness apparel store. “Everyone appreciated their enthusiasm, but once they started trying on shoes and aggressively yelling at customers to ‘open this pit up’ and doing windmills, my regulars, understandably, started getting a little nervous. They were already six feet apart — I know everyone is trying to be safe — but it was a bit much.”

At press time, Geiger confirmed dates for an upcoming 10K event he is organizing for charity that will be featured in a multi-camera livestream via Hate5Six.

Dungeons & Dragons Film Stalled After Chris Pine Chooses Charisma as Dump Stat

Posted on by Neil Floyd

LOS ANGELES — Paramount’s troubled Dungeons & Dragons adaptation hit yet another roadblock today after lead Chris Pine chose Charisma as his dump stat during the character creation process, sources confirm.

“This is the most shift-fucked project I’ve ever worked on, and I produced that live action Dora the Explorer movie last year,” said a studio executive who requested to remain anonymous. “We cast Chris because of his roguish charm and quick wit, but the character he created yesterday has a negative Charisma modifier! His character won’t even be able to intimidate the captain of the Waterdeep City Watch in scene 13, let alone seduce the dragon in the midpoint set piece we’ve already spent 2,500 man hours building.”

“The production is losing literally hundreds of thousands of dollars a day because Chris wants to play a fucking tiefling barbarian with -2 Charisma, one of the most trash combos in Fifth Edition,” the executive added. “Tieflings even get a racial bonus to their Charisma score! What the hell is Chris doing?”

The anonymous executive went on to describe the mass resignations studio leadership is facing after Pine revealed his character is named “Lil’ Satan.”

“The beauty of D&D is player freedom,” said Pine in a virtual press conference. ‘What’s the point of making a D&D movie if I’m gonna be forced to roll another ruggedly handsome yet debonair Rogue with a swashbuckling sense of adventure? I’ve already played Steve fucking Trevor in two Wonder Woman movies, for Christ’s sakes. I thought you could become anyone you wanted in D&D! Well, I want to become a tiefling named after Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, who gave up social graces for a gnarly Constitution modifier. Yeah, my character will be boring to watch on screen, but he’ll have a very good probability of resisting poison. So, uh, there’s that.”

At press time, Pine was revising his character to be a Kenku Wizard who grew up next to a brothel and can only mimic sex noises.

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Conservatives Demand Mr. Potato Head Retain His Giant, Veiny Potato Dick

Posted on by Cory Cousins

PAWTUCKET, R.I. — Conservative pundits outraged by Hasbro’s announcement that Mr. Potato Head would become gender-neutral immediately created petitions to ensure the company would not alter the toy’s giant, veiny potato dick, according to sources.

“When I heard they were dropping the ‘Mr.’ from that potato’s name it was damn near the worst day of my life. And that includes four years ago when two of my sons died in separate boating accidents on the same day,” said children’s toy enthusiast and editor of ‘The Daily 1776 Patriot Newsletter,’ Mark Clembold. “The name ‘Mr. Potato Head’ makes me think of three things. One: he’s a god-fearing potato that loves his family. Two: he’s probably Irish. And three: he was blessed with a giant horse cock that definitely turns Mrs. Potato Head’s guts into mashed potatoes every time they get nasty. Is nothing sacred anymore? I’ll be damned if they take that from my surviving children.”

Additional voices from around the country expressed similar concerns.

“First they try to take away these toy potatoes’ God-given pronouns, and what’s next? The powers that be are gonna tell me I can’t sit Mr. Potato Head in the corner of my bedroom while he strokes his big potato dick watching me do all of the things he would never dream of doing to the potato he married?” said Mr. Potato Head collector and amateur furniture refurbisher, Daryl Fischer. “Next thing you know they’re gonna try saying all that clear stuff that comes out of Mrs. Potato Head is just vodka. Gimme a break!”

Representatives at Hasbro admit they were surprised by the sudden and intense backlash.

“We were immediately flooded with letters from angry parents saying things like ‘if you remove his cock then I’m going to remove yours’ and ‘you can take Mr. Potato Head’s penis from my cold dead hands,’” said Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner. “However, I think some of these people are mistaken. We never sold a ‘giant penis attachment’ for any of our toys. These penises must have been homemade and the anger surrounding the alleged penis removal is very misguided. I have been made aware of multiple websites that have detailed instructions on crafting the ‘perfect’ Mr. Potato Head member that we will be linking to on our website’s FAQ page as a peace offering.”

Following the announcement, a majority of Republican senators began drafting legislation to prevent Mrs. Potato Head from access to legal and safe abortions.

If Smashing Your Instrument Is So Cool, How Come Guitar Center Says I Owe Them $17,500?

Posted on by Ella Gale

This isn’t the dark ages. Women rock out. We play guitars. As Phoebe Bridgers demonstrated on SNL, sometimes we rock so hard that we smash those guitars. When Phoebe Bridgers did it, it looked cool, and it was cool, even if losers like David Crosby didn’t like it.

So I have one question:

If it’s so great for a woman to smash up a Danelectric Dano ‘56 baritone now, how come Guitar Center says I owe them $17,500? Where are the waves of feminist critics defending MY right to pound my (ugh, okay, technically, Guitar Center’s) axe against the brown wall-to-wall carpeting of the showroom even as the teen working the counter screams “come on lady, I’m going to have to vacuum that up.”

Did Guitar Center force Kurt Cobain to start a GoFundMe for $600 after he smashed his Univox Hi-Flier? Did Jimi Hendrix get banned from the mall after he doused a Fender Stratocaster in lighter fluid and lit it ON FIRE? So why am I held to a double standard?

Why is it that I am treated so unfairly when I, a woman, dare to pick a display case lock and smash a 1966 sunburst Fender Stratocaster to smithereens after an epic cover of Achy Breaky Heart where I ALMOST nailed the transition from the A to E chords?

We cannot address the ongoing misogyny in music without addressing this super unreasonable bill from Guitar Center, which they keep threatening to send to collections. Women should be able to do whatever they want when they shred without being insulted on Twitter by 79-year-old singer-songwriters or receiving unreasonable bills from Guitar Center. Also, you gave all those mall security guards a super unflattering photo of me.

If you stand with women, please donate to my GoFundMe. Please. This isn’t the first near-priceless antique I’ve destroyed in a fit of rage and I can’t go back to prison.

Man Eats Entire Bag of Lay’s to See If They’re Stale

Posted on by Erin McLaughlin

DULUTH, Minn. — Local determined man Chris Vazquez went overboard Tuesday evening when he ate an entire bag of Lay’s potato chips in an effort to “test if they were stale,” annoyed sources confirm.

“I found an opened bag of chips in my cupboard that I didn’t remember buying, and had no idea how long they’ve been around. Naturally, I needed to check if they still had that crunch,” said Vazquez, as he shoveled a fist full of browned and soft, yet somehow still crisp potato chips into his mouth. “The first eight or nine didn’t, but that could have easily been just because they were at the top of the bag and maybe got exposed to air particles or something. They tasted a bit weird, but I think the sour cream and onion flavor cancels out the confusing texture.”

Vazquez’ roommate Chelsea Kaplan was skeptical of his poorly veiled excuse to eat an entire bag of potato chips.

“He got chip crumbs all over the floor, and every time I walked by he did that thing where he kind of looked up and to the side like he’s considering the taste, as if it was the first chip,” said Kaplan. “At least go watch a movie or something while you do it to make it less obvious. Plus, I wanted some, and he hogged them all for himself. He pointed out the print on the bag that reads, ‘Chips may settle during transportation,’ but that’s not why all that was left was some crumb powder and greasy residue inside the bag.”

For their part, Lay’s corporate bosses were appalled.

“It’s killing business, really,” said Lay’s spokesperson Lisa Li. “The guy should just go to the damn store and buy some new chips for $2.99. Plus, he seems to be a pretty big fan of ours — he’s ironically entered our ‘create a flavor’ contest a bunch of times with various meme flavored potato chips, like Grumpy Cat Gravy, whatever that is. To his credit, so did about 7,000 other participants, so maybe he’s onto something.”

At press time, Vazquez has moved on to a just-expired package of off-brand pepperoni slices, the entirety of which he devoured in front of the open refrigerator door.

Opinion: It’s Time for Me to Say Nonsense Words to This Cat

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Much like TV, ice cream, and porn, pets exist solely to distract us from the inevitability of death. Well, until they die. Then our mortality comes in loud and clear. But while they’re alive and thriving in our 600 square foot apartment, our furry friends do a lot to keep all of us from swan diving headfirst into sweet oblivion. It’s important to show them gratitude regularly, which is why it’s about time for me to start saying fake nonsense words at this cat.

Don’t worry, she loves it! You can tell because of all of the growling and hissing. Nine out of ten veterinarians would tell you she’s doing that because she wants me to stop shouting gibberish into her ears. Hopefully, the tenth one I ask will be better informed.

Incomprehensible pet talk is particularly effective when delivered in a high-pitched squeal. If your vocal cords aren’t microseconds away from snapping then your voice needs to be higher. Plus, everyone needs a living thing they can embarrass at will. Kids are expensive and can eventually fight back, so pets are the way to go. Can’t afford a pet? You can still yell nonsense words at any passing animal. Birds are especially fun to shout at because sometimes they’ll straight up shit themselves.

Ultimately it’s a win-win. My cat gets free food and a warm place to stay and I get the sweet satisfaction of saying, “Oooh check out this schmoopin’ tubby boy ploopin’ up and down on the fuzzy-muzzy-pushy-gootchie-boo-boo.”

Most of those weren’t words, but she knows that it means I love her despite our language barrier that conveniently prevents her from contradicting any of my theories on pet ownership. It’s also my god-given right as an American to yell in my cat’s face. That’s a big part of my entitlement.