DULUTH, Minn. — Local determined man Chris Vazquez went overboard Tuesday evening when he ate an entire bag of Lay’s potato chips in an effort to “test if they were stale,” annoyed sources confirm.
“I found an opened bag of chips in my cupboard that I didn’t remember buying, and had no idea how long they’ve been around. Naturally, I needed to check if they still had that crunch,” said Vazquez, as he shoveled a fist full of browned and soft, yet somehow still crisp potato chips into his mouth. “The first eight or nine didn’t, but that could have easily been just because they were at the top of the bag and maybe got exposed to air particles or something. They tasted a bit weird, but I think the sour cream and onion flavor cancels out the confusing texture.”
Vazquez’ roommate Chelsea Kaplan was skeptical of his poorly veiled excuse to eat an entire bag of potato chips.
“He got chip crumbs all over the floor, and every time I walked by he did that thing where he kind of looked up and to the side like he’s considering the taste, as if it was the first chip,” said Kaplan. “At least go watch a movie or something while you do it to make it less obvious. Plus, I wanted some, and he hogged them all for himself. He pointed out the print on the bag that reads, ‘Chips may settle during transportation,’ but that’s not why all that was left was some crumb powder and greasy residue inside the bag.”
For their part, Lay’s corporate bosses were appalled.
“It’s killing business, really,” said Lay’s spokesperson Lisa Li. “The guy should just go to the damn store and buy some new chips for $2.99. Plus, he seems to be a pretty big fan of ours — he’s ironically entered our ‘create a flavor’ contest a bunch of times with various meme flavored potato chips, like Grumpy Cat Gravy, whatever that is. To his credit, so did about 7,000 other participants, so maybe he’s onto something.”
At press time, Vazquez has moved on to a just-expired package of off-brand pepperoni slices, the entirety of which he devoured in front of the open refrigerator door.