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Opinion: It’s Time for Me to Say Nonsense Words to This Cat

Much like TV, ice cream, and porn, pets exist solely to distract us from the inevitability of death. Well, until they die. Then our mortality comes in loud and clear. But while they’re alive and thriving in our 600 square foot apartment, our furry friends do a lot to keep all of us from swan diving headfirst into sweet oblivion. It’s important to show them gratitude regularly, which is why it’s about time for me to start saying fake nonsense words at this cat.

Don’t worry, she loves it! You can tell because of all of the growling and hissing. Nine out of ten veterinarians would tell you she’s doing that because she wants me to stop shouting gibberish into her ears. Hopefully, the tenth one I ask will be better informed.

Incomprehensible pet talk is particularly effective when delivered in a high-pitched squeal. If your vocal cords aren’t microseconds away from snapping then your voice needs to be higher. Plus, everyone needs a living thing they can embarrass at will. Kids are expensive and can eventually fight back, so pets are the way to go. Can’t afford a pet? You can still yell nonsense words at any passing animal. Birds are especially fun to shout at because sometimes they’ll straight up shit themselves.

Ultimately it’s a win-win. My cat gets free food and a warm place to stay and I get the sweet satisfaction of saying, “Oooh check out this schmoopin’ tubby boy ploopin’ up and down on the fuzzy-muzzy-pushy-gootchie-boo-boo.”

Most of those weren’t words, but she knows that it means I love her despite our language barrier that conveniently prevents her from contradicting any of my theories on pet ownership. It’s also my god-given right as an American to yell in my cat’s face. That’s a big part of my entitlement.