New NOFX Album To Be Given To Younger Brother Eventually

Posted on by Dicky Stock

NORWOOD, Mass. — Older brother Jack Durso bought the new NOFX CD “Single Album” yesterday, which he plans to keep in a faux-leather binder under the front seat of his car until it is eventually passed on to younger brother, Kevin, upon his 13th birthday.

“I saw they were putting out a new record, and I was kinda whatever about it — but then I remembered my brother Kevin is turning 13 in a couple months, so if it’s total shit, I’ll just give it to him for his birthday,” said Durso, who then picked up an old Lagwagon album while browsing the discount bin at local music retailer Newbury Comics. “I’m just very confused why we didn’t get a ‘War On Errorism’ from NOFX for Trump. That would’ve been the move.”

Younger brother Kevin Durso was nearby, flipping through Machine Gun Kelly CDs when he caught wind of his brother’s plan.

“My brother is very old,” said the younger Durso, who was sporting a Greta Van Fleet shirt. “He tries to tell me about bands like Chixdiggit and Guns n’ Wankers, and I’m like, ‘What are you doing?’ But he just keeps going… like, he’s trying to get me into the band Tilt 25 years after the fact. He only listens to bands he was listening to 23 years ago, and it’s sad.”

Sales associate Colleen Burlowski confirmed that this is a frequent occurrence in Newbury Comics.

“The passing down of an album during that crucial time in a middle schooler’s life is a time-honored tradition. We had a guy in here a few months back who bought a Five Iron Frenzy CD for his nine-year-old sister for Christmas,” Burlowski recalled. “We kept pleading with him to not do it — I don’t know your sister, but I guarantee she does not like Christian ska from the 90s. So instead, he tried to buy her the second Less Than Jake album and insisted that she’d grow to like these bands because when he was 15 in 1997, these albums really spoke to him. I got him to settle on NOFX’s ‘The Decline’ and I figured maybe, just maybe, there’d be a chance that in four or five years she’d give it a chance.”

“Realistically, that won’t happen,” she added. “You can’t reason with some people.”

Mortal Kombat Fan Pissed Robocop Isn’t in the Movie

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

APACHE JUNCTION, Ariz. — A self proclaimed superfan of the Mortal Kombat video game series was reportedly livid after discovering that the upcoming film adaptation will not contain Robocop, a character introduced in 2019’s smash hit Mortal Kombat 11.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe they fucked it up this bad,” said Davey Cantrell, after viewing the trailer for the film that debuted online last week. “Don’t get me wrong, it is a lot of cool looking shit in it. The effects, the blood, the fatalities, it looks like the best Mortal Kombat movie by a mile. I just can’t believe they don’t have Robocop in there. He’s my favorite character from the games and now I don’t think I even care about this movie.”

The filmmakers defended their decision to exclude Robocop, a slain police officer that was brought back to life as a robotic law enforcement machine to participate in the Mortal Kombat tournament.

“Look, we tried to get as much in there for the fans as we could,” said Simon McQuoid, director of the upcoming film. “But there’s eleven games worth of story and characters there. If we’d put everything in that we wanted, I’m afraid the film would be a bit of a mess. So we had to make the tough calls: Friendships, The Pit, Robocop and The Terminator, all gone. Who knows, maybe in the sequel!”

Friends of the Cantrell’s questioned not only the validity of his complaints, but his credentials as a fan as well. 

“Davey sent me this long text thread about how outrageous it was that they would leave one of the most iconic Mortal Kombat characters out of the movie,” said Keith Watt, Cantrell’s roomate. “And when I assumed he was talking about Johnny Cage he told me he was pretty sure I was thinking of a character from Killer Instinct. He’s so annoying. I should have never shown him Mortal Kombat last year.”

The film will premiere on HBO Max and theaters on April 16th. As of press time, Jared Leto was frantically lobbying to be included in the film as the Joker, or any sick and twisted character that had not yet been cast.

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We Captured a Lizard Person but We Think They’re Like the Janitor or Something Because They Didn’t Know Anything About Enslaving Humanity

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

After years of unsuccessful attempts, me ‘n Scooter finally made our way down to Bohemian Grove and caught a lizard person! Once we tied it up, we demanded to know why they rigged the election for Sleepy Joe and when they’d begin their final attack on humanity using Obamacare and 5G wind farms. That boy didn’t seem to know what I was talking about because I think we accidentally kidnapped a lizard janitor.

I should’ve known it from the jump. This fella was the only one to even come close to our trap, and it really wasn’t much of a trap, man. It was just a bunch of meatloaf and a couple of dollars in the bed of Scooter’s F150.

Now that I think about it, that critter was carryin’ some tools and seemed to be working twice as hard as everyone else. The fact that he wasn’t actively turning the landscape into an Illuminati death camp or telling any other lizard people what to do should’ve been a clear sign that he was not the head honcho.

After it claimed not to know about the mind control devices beneath the Denver International Airport, it kept sayin’, “We’re only here to do research!” and “If I complain, I’ll lose my job!” He was really insistent that comin’ here was the only way to provide for his family. I guess that thing wanted to provide a better life for his family back home instead of doin’ space meth until it died in its hometown like my brother-in-law. It started to tug on my heartstrings truth be told, but as a rule, I refuse to sympathize with others.

At a certain point, I thought that devil might be pullin’ a Keyser Söze on us. Even my grandmother knows that Beyonce psychically transplants her consciousness into other people to spy on Israel. This thing could have been playing dumb I guess. But no matter how hard I would ask it questions with the business end of my shovel, all that lizard would let slip was “Please stop beating me, I have a family.”

By the end, it was clear to me and Scoot that our captive was indeed just the janitor and a particularly ignorant janitor at that. My brother is a janitor but he still knows which of his U.S Senators partake in baby-eating devil ceremonies and which ones just watch. I can excuse being part of an alien race that happens to be plotting world domination, but I can’t excuse being uninformed.

Emotional Support Dog Really More of An Enabler

Posted on by Stephen Bell

OVIEDO, Fla.— Local emotional support dog Reggie is under fire today for acting as more of an enabler for his owner’s anxieties rather than diminishing them, sources close to the pair confirmed.

“I take Reggie with me everywhere to work like a little radar that lets me know everything is OK,” said Reggie’s owner Kimiko Ota. “If he starts to shake, I know I’m in a situation where my anxiety is justified. Funny enough, Reggie is basically always shaking, but that’s OK because I’m always anxious. It’s good to have confirmation that everyone in public is absolutely looking at and judging me, the bus I’m on will certainly crash, and I’m a failure in the eyes of my parents. Without Reggie, I’d feel that these thoughts are so invalid.”

However, Ota’s friends really wish she’d find a new owner for her dog.

“Don’t think of me as cruel for saying Kimiko needs to find a new home for Reggie,” said longtime friend Heather Lear. “But the dog is a little bastard and I hate him. I know a co-dependent relationship when I see one: every time the dog barks, Kimiko also starts yelling. When he runs around the house, Kimiko assumes the dog is running from a fire or something. The dog tries to bite me; Kimiko threatens me with a knife. They just amplify each other in the worst ways.”

For his part, Reggie the dog was defensive.

“Who are you? Do you work for the government? I don’t take reporter questions,” barked Reggie angrily. “You’re in league with the mailman, aren’t you? Do you have any idea how many times a week that bastard comes and tries to attack Kimiko? Pretty much every day but Sunday. I scare him off every time, and receive treats and belly rubs for it. Now if you would excuse me, I have some videos to show Kimiko about chemtrails and the secret Illuminati plot against us.”

Kimiko’s friends are hoping to redirect her by giving her a cat that could teach her to not give a shit about anything.

If I’m Not Supposed to Eat the Decorative Soaps Why Are They Shaped Like Delicious Sea Shells?

Posted on by Daniel Arnold

I love life’s simple pleasures. I’m talkin’ taking in a good sunset, falling asleep to the sound of a crackling fire, or biting into a tasty, ripe seashell. Especially that last one. I tell ya, there’s nothing like the feel of your teeth gnashing against one of those bad boys as its savory brine drips down your chin. Boy howdy, do I love the small things in life. So why in the hell would you shape your decorative soaps to look and smell like delicious seashells if you didn’t want me to eat them?

When I checked into this beach-themed Airbnb, I had no idea I was walking into a trap. Except for when I walked into the sand trap room, but that was part of what I paid for. So when I walked into the bathroom and saw a bowl of my favorite beach snack, I took a bite expecting the sweet taste of sandy brine and the satisfying crunch of yet another shattered tooth. But what did I get? Just a mouth full of yucky, bitter soap. And now the Airbnb owners are pissed and say I need to pay to replace them.

Honestly, they’re lucky I don’t sue them! God only knows what soap could do to the inside of my body. I don’t even use that stuff on my hands. Not like seashells which are 100% natural, organic, and did I mention delicious?

There was no “hey, please don’t eat the shells” fine print in the agreement, by the way. It was my cheat day so I was elated to see that bowl of plump ocean nuggets. Imagine my dismay when I chomped down and discovered it’s just soap. At first, I assumed I was on a prank show. I checked the whole condo for Sal Vulcano before realizing Impractical Jokers would have booked a better location.

Whatever happened to this country? I remember going to the beach with my family, setting up our chairs, settling in with a nice book, reaching down to feel the warmth of the sand, picking up a seashell, and just tearing into that bad boy. What am I supposed to do now? Check to see if every seashell I eat is made of something inedible first? I say, if you wanna vacation like that, you should stay in an Airbnb in Russia.

Venue Owner Just Remembered They Left Sound Guy Locked In Prior to Pandemic

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — Independent venue owner Joe Englert panicked early yesterday morning after realizing he’s left sound guy Jake Montgomery locked in his club DC9 since the venue’s last show on March 12, 2020.

“Fuck!” exclaimed Englert, tearing away from an outdoor dinner party without explanation. “Right when we had to close down DC9, I had this nagging suspicion that I forgot to do something… but I remember double checking all the lights and unhooking the kegs, so I figured it was just some minor thing, if anything. I’m not sure what it was that made me remember Jake was still in there taking a shit when we closed — maybe it was the bad food I’d had for dinner or something. But goddammit, I am so fucked if he’s dead in there. This is like that bulk order of ice incident all over again.”

Montgomery, thankfully, is still alive, surviving by rationing bar snacks and cocktail fruits.

“I’m starting to get the sense that no one’s coming for me,” a defeated Montgomery mused. “I sent a few texts saying I’m trapped in the bar, but I guess no one took them seriously because everyone sent my hundreds of calls to voicemail. It wasn’t so bad at first — I figured eventually someone would come looking, but no dice. I tried to get out, but I was too weak to break a window, and I’m still too chubby to fit in a vent. Things took a turn once the city shut the water and power off and the jars of maraschino cherries in the walk-in ran out. There’s still water in the toilets to keep me going, and I’ve managed to kill a few rats here and there for food, but I think it’s just a matter of time at this point.”

City officials chided the management of DC9 for their forgetfulness, but conceded that they weren’t particularly surprised.

“Given D.C.’s long and proud history with the punk community, we’ve seen our fair share of negligence cases among the so-called losers of the rock community,” stated Mayor Muriel Bowser. “City services often find themselves stepping in to deal with circumstances such as Montgomery’s. We’ve had everything from social services taking neglected bassists under protection, to performing welfare checks on music bloggers. The punk community needs to do better by these dorks.”

In related news, absolutely no one from pop-punk band One Hundred Cubs has yet remembered that their merch guy Alan Chiu was still in a double-parked van out back.

‘I Hunger for More Movies’ Bellows Minotaur Living Beneath Netflix Headquarters

Posted on by Andy Holt

LOS GATOS, Calif. — The grotesque monster living under Netflix cried out in hunger this morning, desperate for more mid-budget features from the streaming platform.

“Is the minotaur ideal? Of course not. In a perfect world we would not have the minotaur. But we’ve tried to make it a fun office activity. I even put together this colorful feeding schedule,” said HR director Ronnie Ford, who slaughters a goat and drops it into the labyrinth every third Friday. “It’s the beast’s appetite for content we’re having a hard time keeping up with. The thing just loves movies.”

Netflix struggled in the early days, trying to sate the minotaur’s cravings while maintaining a base level of quality. Things only began to stabilize in the last few years, when the company figured out a way to keep up.

“One day we accidentally showed him Home Alone 3, the one where they recast everybody and replaced Chris Columbus with a cheap director. The monster absolutely loved it. That’s when we realized the movies didn’t have to be good,” said creative executive Kai Armstrong. “Ever since, we’ve used Home Alone 3 as a model: not great, not even okay, but technically a movie.”

Industry experts were hesitant to criticize Netflix for their output, stressing that every streaming service had strengths and weaknesses.

“HBO makes decent movies, but they have to contend with corporate overlords at AT&T, so they move slowly. Disney is doing great, but won’t people get tired of the MCU and Star Wars? And then you have Netflix, cursed with a ravenous beast that stalks the basement, plotting his escape to the surface, where he will devour every living soul in the building,” said investment banker Bart Norman. “So, you know. It’s pluses and minuses.”

At press time, Netflix executives had written “more comedy specials??? yes or no” on a piece of paper and were lowering it down into the labyrinth.

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Alcoholism Family’s Only Tradition

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

WARRINGTON, Pa. — Local man and guy who “maybe enjoys an occasional drink, no big deal” Dennis Walsh realized yesterday that alcoholism is the only tradition passed down from generation to generation in his family.

“My son was doing a school project on his family history and one segment was dedicated to ‘Traditions,’ and for the life of me, I couldn’t think of one,” said Walsh while eating a handful of Altoids to cover the smell of alcohol on his breath. “I considered things that a bunch of my relatives have in common — for instance, most of my uncles have been thrown into stadium jail at Eagles games, and I’ve got at least two aunts on my dad’s side who have each pulled a knife on a police horse. And of course, it wasn’t until adulthood that I learned that having a ‘piss closet’ that multiple family members have drunkenly mistook for the bathroom is not normal. That’s when I realized, the common denominator in all these ‘traditions?’ Alcoholism.”

However, Walsh’s mother Marie believes her son’s concerns are overblown.

“Sounds to me like Denny is being dramatic. He’s always been an anxious boy; he just needs to have a drink and relax,” explained the Walsh family matriarch while handing us a beer before we could say, “No, thanks, we’re driving.” “When I was growing up it was just normal to have a drink while watching a baseball game, or operating a circular saw, or driving down the shore. Besides, I read a study once that alcohol is good for your heart, and I’m choosing to ignore all other studies to the contrary.”

Family friend Fran Murphy concurred following a failed intervention for the family.

“You can’t really help someone until they’ve hit rock bottom. The thing is, everyone’s rock bottom is different. And while the Walsh family’s situation may look dire to any normal, sober person, apparently they have much, much further to fall,” said Murphy. “I should have known the intervention was a mistake when I asked Denny’s older brother Matt for help and his reply was, ‘How many cases should I bring?’ I tried to maintain order, but after a while everyone was drunk and seemingly having a great time. So I just cracked open a beer and joined the fun.”

Sources say Dennis had also reached out to his distant relatives in Kentucky to ask them about their “family tradition” of producing and consuming crystal meth.

Back in My Day Only Punks With Rich Parents Lived in Poverty

Posted on by Kevin Tit

City punks are way too soft nowadays. I’m sick and tired of hearing all this crap about wage theft and other socialist propaganda. It’s like everyone who’s struggling financially is suddenly a fucking expert on why capitalism is an unsustainable system! Back in my day, punks living in poverty didn’t cry about the economy. Why would they? They all had rich parents.

I hate to sound all “traditionalist” or whatever, but punk was just better back when everyone who lived in a squat also had access to a summer home. Now those folks knew how to have a good time! I remember back in ‘92 when my buddy Rick da Felon invited us to go party at this huge five-bedroom house he was squatting in while his parents were in the Caribbean escaping the harsh Mid-Atlantic winter.

You know what we did? We got wasted and told fight stories. Fight stories about actual fights, by the way. Not about fighting the “bourgeoisie” or whatever the fuck. Real fights, like the ones Rick always had with his parents over how much he’s gonna inherit when they die. Ironically, Rick died that weekend from combining his mother’s Vicodin with his father’s 7000-year-old scotch.

That’s beside the point though. If Rick were still alive today he wouldn’t be one of these sensitive pro-labor union punks that cry all over the internet about raising the minimum wage. Nope. Rick would rally the gang to go dumpster dive for pizzas behind one of the little caesars his family owned. There was something dignified about being a punk with no money back in those days, ya know? Whatever happened to pulling yourself up by your own combat bootstraps?

All I’m trying to say is that punk these days ain’t filled with nothing but cry babies looking for handouts. The world would be a much better place if people like Rick were still alive and I was able to hang out at his family’s sick beach house.

Parents Sneakily Replace Child’s Dead Goldfish With Matt Skiba

Posted on by Rose Vineshank

BALTIMORE — Local parents Mark and Susan Finkleburg skillfully avoided an emotional conversation with their child Mark Jr. last week by sneakily replacing his beloved pet goldfish with Matt Skiba of Alkaline Trio.

“We didn’t know what to do. We thought maybe it was time to have the big talk about mortality, but how hard would it be to replace the goldfish with something similar?” Susan stated. “Matt Skiba was the closest thing we could come up with: he’s always kinda damp, his eyes are always looking out aimlessly to the sides, and he’s mostly an herbivore. As soon as we stuffed Matt, who is surprisingly flexible, into that fishbowl, we knew we made the right choice.”

However, Mark Jr. claimed he noticed the difference right away.

“Usually when I get to my room, I’ll call out for my goldfish Spunky by shouting, ‘Where are you?’” the heartbroken and irritated Mark Jr. recalled. “But this time, instead of my goldfish, I see Matt Skiba pressed up against the glass of the fishbowl. We just stared at each other awkwardly until he finally muttered, ‘I’m so sorry.’ I still can’t really sleep in there.”

Henry the Snail, who shared a bowl with Spunky, slowly realized he was sharing a bowl with Matt Skiba over the course of a week.

“I noticed Spunky got pretty quiet for a few days, but I didn’t think too much of it. We’re all handling the pandemic in our own way,” the snail explained. “The moment that gave everything away though was when one of Matt’s giant turds took up the entire bowl and almost crushed me to death. I can safely say that this is not Spunky, and I am not a fan of this new stuff.”

In related news, a Cincinnati family’s pet piranha has allegedly been replaced by Houston-based artist Riff Raff, but no one, including Riff Raff, has noticed yet.