The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Simple Plan Learns That Life Is a Nightmare In Their 40s Too

Posted on March 28, 2022 by Robert John Scucci

MONTREAL — Members of the pop-punk Simple Plan are having an existential crisis after realizing that life never really stopped being a nightmare as they got older, aching and bitter sources confirmed.

“When we wrote ‘I’m Just a Kid,’ we weren’t thinking of the big picture,” frontman Pierre Bouvier said as he iced his knee after a brief walk with his dog. “I don’t even run or jump around a whole lot, but here I am stretching and making sure I don’t eat too much sugar. Sébastien (Lefebvre) tried doing a guitar toss recently, and his rotator cuff was totally fucked. We had to hire a session player while he recovered, and that messed up the payroll. When you’re a kid, you just want to make friends and hang out, but now I’m 42. I’m on the road, and my wife just called and said there might be termites on our roof. Everything in that song is still true, but everything else also sucks.”

Young Simple Plan fan Atticus Hurley sees things differently but through a naive veil of youthful optimism.

“It’s sad when guys go soft like this,” Hurley said with disappointment. “Their first album is called ‘No Pads, No Helmets… Just Balls,’ but it feels like they’re phoning in on the balls these days. They get to live on the road and follow nobody’s rules but their own. They’re living the dream! When I graduate, I hope to take a similar path. It’s like these guys forgot how fun it is to stay up with your friends until 3 a.m. and eating pints of Ben and Jerry’s for dinner whenever your parents go out for the night.”

Resident Nihilist Nigel Fischer weighs in on whether or not the quality of life improves with age and wisdom, and gave us a resounding “fuck no.”

“It’s a good thing to be optimistic, but let’s be realistic. When you’re an aging musician, you want to sleep in the same bed as your wife, and not on a bus with the same people you’ve known since high school,” said Fischer. “Hangovers last two days. You gain weight breathing near a doughnut. Bankers fuck up your 401K, and you have to wait on the phone for three fucking hours to get somebody to fix it. Pierre is 100% correct. Life is absolute shit from wall to wall, no matter your age.”

At press time, members of Simple Plan were discussing their upcoming prostate exams and discussing which retirement facilities would be best for their parents.

Review: Scary Kids Scaring Kids “Out of Light”

Posted on March 27, 2022 by Colleen Nerney

After a breakup, the death of a band member, and an unexpected reunion, Scary Kids Scaring Kids have certainly been through the ringer, and their new album “Out of Light” proves that they are resilient as ever.

“Out of Light” marks the first release from SKSK since their critically acclaimed self-titled album way back in 2007. And that was one hell of a year. President Bush was so affected by the world of punk rocking against him that he decided to not seek a third term in office, the housing crisis and the recession that followed were months away, and after multiple failed attempts I finally got my motorcycle license.

The summer of 2007 was the year I wound up working on a boozy brunch cruise in Myrtle Beach. Mostly because my mom’s piece of shit boyfriend left her in the middle of the night to join the circus, I shit you not, and she needed someone else to help her split the rent. I was broke as anything at the time due to my felony conviction (unfair, mind you, that aggravated assault was in self-defense, and the second aggravated assault was because someone dared me) and my pervasive inability to hold down a job (including that ill-fated gig as a crossing guard), but hey, when mama calls, you answer.

The cruise wasn’t the worst job I’ve ever had—that honor goes to cleaning Porta-Potties at an EDM festival—but it certainly wasn’t the best. I spent most of my shifts serving bottomless mimosas to middle-aged white women and elderly Jewish mahjong addicts until they blacked out by noon. I was often stuck working alongside Sheila, a 22-year-old mother of three who was completely incapable of not talking and a deeply dedicated Toby Keith fan.

But despite my griping about my coworker’s musical tastes, the job was worth it for the free drinks alone. I was quite the hit among the “old guys smoking cigars all morning” crowd. It wasn’t worth it in the long run, however, ‘cause I got into a fistfight with Sheila. That snake-faced whore had the audacity to insult my AFI calf tattoo, so I fucking threw that bitch overboard. The ensuing warrant for my arrest has been hard to outrun all these years, even after modding the shit out of the Yamaha and reflashing the ECU.

SCORE: ⅘ Bottomless Mimosas and 1 ban from the state of South Carolina

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Academy Announces Best Film Editing, Other Piece of Shit Awards Handed Out in Denny’s Parking Lot

Posted on March 27, 2022 by Nuutti Sihvonen

LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences handed out the awards for Best Film Editing and several other utterly meaningless categories in the parking lot of a Los Angeles Denny’s earlier today, excited sources confirmed while finishing up their pancakes.

“We’ve been looking for ways to combat slumping ratings,” Academy spokesperson Lauren Jacobs said. “This year we decided to finally pull the plug on giving these below-the-line dipshits all this totally undeserved screen time. The Oscars are meant to showcase the true stars. I mean, is editing and makeup even necessary in filmmaking? Honestly, who gives a shit about best dance direction? Even driving to that Denny’s was a waste of time, we could have just left these in the corridor of the Academy and had the winners come pick them up when they were in the neighborhood.”

David Matteo, who was nominated for his work as a production designer, admitted to having been upset by the news first but had found a way to look at the silver lining.

“Honestly, I’m just honored to be a part of this exciting new tradition,” said Matteo. “I mean, would it be nice to go to the actual Oscars? Sure, that’s every filmmaker’s dream, but then again, I get to gorge on free Grand Slams and chug down ice teas, while those high-and-mighty snobs have to deal with stuff like not getting to go to the bathroom whenever they want and making sure they don’t trip while millions of fans watch them getting credit for all their hard work.”

The news was also surprisingly well received by the employees at the Denny’s.

“From the iconic ‘2 a.m. at Denny’s’ concert to impromptu swordfights held in our parking lots across the country, Denny’s has cemented its role as a central locale in skeezy American popular culture, and we’re honored for the opportunity to extend that legacy,” said restaurant manager Denis Kaya. “Not to mention that he gives us a nice excuse to finally deep clean years of piss and beer off the parking lot pavement and kick out those pesky vanlifers using our premises as their living space.”

At press time, members of the Academy were seen dining and dashing after finishing after ordering rounds of the Signature Panookies for all the winners.

Pioneer: 100 Years Before Spotify, This Music Publisher Would Literally Divide Pennies Into 60 Pieces To Pay His Artists

Posted on March 27, 2022 by Sam Eardley

You probably haven’t heard of Theodore Ignatius Fitzwilliam Youngblood. But if you’re one of the world’s 400,000,000 Spotify users, you may have him to “thank.” As a sheet music publisher on Tin Pan Alley in the 1920s, Youngblood may seem a world away from the modern music-streaming experience. But today’s musicians, who receive around half a penny per Spotify stream, may feel a pang of recognition on reading Youngblood’s recently re-published memoirs “Salient Proclamations.” In which, details his artist payment process of slicing individual pennies into 60 pieces.

In this extract from the book, Youngblood talks about the composers on his payroll.

“It hit me one morning. There simply isn’t a coin small enough to remunerate these loathsome jingle-monkeys for a sale of one of their sheets of music. Upon realizing this I immediately engaged one of Manhattan’s finest metalworkers to fashion five-dozen segments from each penny in my purse and by sundown we were already paying those infernal ditty-miners in sixtieth.”

Spotify’s founders have always insisted their business model was completely original, but when this new edition of “Salient Proclamations of Theodore Ignatius Fitzwilliam Youngblood” appeared from the mists of history, the acronym spelled out by the book’s name seemed like it simply couldn’t be a coincidence.

“You have to think that one of the guys found an original copy of the book in a thrift store and based Spotify on that,” pop music historian Freya Nordquist told us. “He probably would have paid them less but at the time ‘exposure’ was a cause of death as opposed to a way publishers kill an artist’s career.”

Before achieving widespread success, the singer-songwriter Hoagy Carmichael spent some time in the employ of Youngblood.

“My ballads are whistled by every fellow in the city, yet I spend my days slaving for a brokerage firm and my nights writing music for worthless slivers of metal. I make more money selling handkerchiefs on which I have embroidered my own name and am reduced to making brief appearances at birthday shindigs for a nickel at a time.”

In this closing paragraph of Youngblood’s memoirs, we get a chilling snapshot of the man whose literal wage-cutting cemented him as the architect of modern popular music.

“Frankly, I never understood all the hullabaloo around music. Can’t stand the stuff.”

REPORT: Girlfriend Introduced as Bandmate

Posted on March 27, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Local musician Bort “Borty” Giancarlo was observed introducing his long-term girlfriend and creative collaborator Anna Paloma as his bandmate, according to touring band Dog Noises and several confused locals.

“Anna and I have been together for five years and she’s certainly my soul mate, but being my bandmate is much more respectable than dating me, trust me,” Giancarlo clarified. “I just figured this would help her get a leg up with the touring band. I used to play shows with them back in Austin and I wouldn’t want them to get the wrong idea about Anna—she’s smart, funny, and talented, so it just doesn’t make sense she’d be dating me. This story tracks way better if she’s just our guitarist and we leave it at that.”

The members of Dog Noises appeared oblivious to the gesture Giancarlo bestowed upon Paloma, commenting only on how inseparable the two seemed as mere bandmates.

“They seemed so close! We wish we had that kind of rapport with one another,” lead singer of Dog Noises Jamie Flaven stated. “Our drummer doesn’t even high-five me after a set anymore, but Borty’s bandmate gave him a full-on kiss… with tongue! We noticed his other bandmates don’t get that kind of treatment, but she’s definitely very talented so it makes perfect sense he’d want to make out with her after a set. It’s not every day you find a non-drummer willing to load a kit, so you gotta show your appreciation when you can.”

Paloma confirmed she and Giancarlo are simultaneously dating and in a band together which makes introductions challenging for the duo.

“I mean Borty’s not wrong, I guess, we are in a band together,” Paloma said after loading gear in a van. “Being in a band with a couple is kind of the worst, so we tend to compartmentalize the roles we play in each other’s lives out of necessity. Besides, are we supposed to list all the ways we exist in each other’s lives each time we meet someone new? ‘Oh hi, here’s my boyfriend who happens to also be my bandmate and my personal chef and my dog walker and my ride later tonight?’ See it, sounds stupid.”

Giancarlo was last seen introducing his mom to his bandmates as his ex-roommate and angel investor.

Photo by Jana Miller.

Top 10 Babies We’d Go Back in Time to Kill

Posted on March 26, 2022 by Harley Murgatroyd

So you’ve heard of folks throwing around the concept of going back in time to kill baby Hitler. It’s a solid idea and we applaud these brave philosophers of our time, but did you know there’s a ton of other shitty babies that have debuted their existence along our shared human timeline? Here are the top 10 babies we’d go back in time to kill.

Leopold II of Belgium

Modern estimates of the death toll during Leopold’s occupation of the Democratic Republic of the Congo range from 1 million to 15 million. He achieved these numbers through systematic brutality, including torture, murder, and the amputation of the hands. With that in mind, why does baby Hitler get to have all the fun of being obliterated? Hey infant Leopold 2, watch your ass!

The Nirvana Baby

We all agree that baby genitals are best left unseen. One less baby dick we all have to see is a collective win. And we are fully prepared to kill as many babies as needed until this Album art is altered.

JJ Abrams

I am shaking in anger just thinking of this man as a baby. Whoever made the conscious decision to make this future adult male clearly hates the noble tradition of 2 and a half hour long space pirate toy commercials. He’s gotta go.

Joe Rogan

For us, this is much less a political thing and more a test of our own strength. We bet this would have been one buff baby. It would be pretty interesting to see what kind of fight he’d put up. In fact, this might be an important lesson in strategy for other baby killing time travelers, so take note.

Morrissey

Has there ever been a more obvious baby that needs offing? Time travel wouldn’t even be necessary with this one since Morrissey is a giant adult baby. In fact, Historians have theorized Morrissey acts as the shitty baby Hive Queen and offing him would cause a chain reaction destroying insufferable babies across the globe, such as Andy Dick, all of N’Sync, Tucker Carlson, and that impatient fucker who honked at me at a green light earlier today.

James Connor Mugratroyd

This kid is my supposed nephew and we share a birthday. So, guess who’s special day now gets overshadowed by a doe-eyed dipshit with a slight speech impediment? Fuck you, little Jimmy.

Mother Teresa

We have a sneaking suspicion this saint was a fucking baby asshole. I mean, what reason would she spend her entire life being so god-fearing other than she was a mondo dipshit of a baby? Our timeline clean up crew doesn’t feel comfortable leaving anything up to chance so this baby is gettin’ the ax.

President Ronald Reagan

No one can deny this piece of shit made some bad movies, aside from the chimp-laced shenanigans of 1951’s “Bedtime for Bonzo,” of course. But did you also know this demented California raisin was once president of the United States? While we have no idea whether he was good at that job or not, I think we can all agree we want to live in a world where his film career never happened.

Queen Elizabeth II

Wow, is this lady old. Can you imagine instead of being an old lady she was a murdered baby instead? Think of all the Sex Pistols songs we wouldn’t have to hear. #winning

Mrs. Susan McGinnis-Smith

This lady lives down the street from me and reported me to the HOA for breaking some arbitrary bylaws about having pink flamingos on my lawn and shitting in her pachysandra. Well guess what, Susan? You made the fucking list, tell the baby version of yourself “googoo gaga, watch your fucking back.”

Honest Police Recruit Says He Wants to Join Force to Make it More Racist From the Inside

Posted on March 26, 2022 by The Hard Times Staff

BOSTON — Prospective police officer and unapologetic bigot, Danny Connor, promised friends and family that if he becomes a cop he will use his position to make the force more racist from the inside, multiple sources confirmed.

“I’ve heard a lot of talk about how we need to overhaul policing in America, and I couldn’t agree more,” said Connor, who spent the last four years as part of a local right-wing militia. “If anything, the police are way too lenient. I want to bring back old-school policing like my father and grandfather before me. I want two or three German Shepherds with me at all times and I want full access to a fire hose whenever I want so I can just blast anyone loitering in a place they don’t belong. There are so many laws on the book from the early 1900s that we don’t even enforce anymore. I want to make sure we bring those back, and the most effective way to do that is from within.”

Training officers say that Connor is one of the most enthusiastic recruits they have seen in years.

“This kid really gets it. I interview a lot of young people who talk about how ‘they want to serve their community’ and ‘make the world a better place’ and I just want to be like ‘hey dumb dumb, that isn’t what cops do,’” said Officer Ryan Leary, the head of the Boston Police Academy. “But this Connor guy knew the score. I asked him why he wanted to be a cop and he said ‘so I can be untouchable.’ Bingo. I asked him if he has a problem with minorities and he said ‘you’re god damn fucking right I do.’ And I deducted some points for taking the Lord’s name in vain, but he still had the right answer.”

Advocates for police reform are actively trying to change the hiring practices of law enforcement agencies across the country.

“We believe that anyone who openly has a swastika as their avatar on message boards should be instantly disqualified, but usually that makes them even more desirable as candidates,” said local social worker Amani Lewis. “We studied recent graduates from the Chicago Police Academy and the results were exactly what we expected, but still disappointing. We did background checks and found that 100% of these officers outwardly expressed racist views online and had multiple arrests for assault that were wiped from their record by a family member that was a high-ranking police officer. Basically, we’re all still fucked.”

At press time, Connor invested in new golf clubs so he has a hobby when he’s inevitably put on paid administrative leave for violent misconduct.

Back in My Day We Didn’t Have All of These Food Allergies, We Just Had Sudden Unexplained Death

Posted on March 26, 2022 by Matt McInerney

I can’t believe what this world is coming to. Just yesterday I was dropping my son off at preschool when I saw this sign that read “Peanut-Free Zone.” Really!? What, a parent can’t even make their child a peanut butter, soy, egg, and wheat sandwich anymore? Kids today can’t deal with anything! You know, back in my day, we didn’t have all these frivolous food allergies to worry about. We had real problems like instantaneous, unexplained death.

Back in my day, no one knew the difference between a peanut and a tree nut. We were too busy learning real skills like how to bury a body during lunch fast enough so we didn’t miss recess. Sure, times were sad but we dealt with it! We experienced the trauma of death and moved on without asking any questions. We also did other cool stuff like hunting squirrels with fireworks.

Just look at these kids today. Take my son’s friend who is lactose intolerant. First off, I thought intolerance was frowned upon today. I guess we can add “hypocrisy” to the list of reasons kids are lamer now. I guess it’s all about instant gratification nowadays.

It’s no better at work. The other day, the new guy told me he was having a really hard time with the recent death of his grandmother and wanted to take a “mental health day.” Give me a break! What you need is to get your ass back to work and do what my parents did: hold all your emotions in until dropping dead for some unknown reason.

How do we expect the next generation to lead healthy lives without any of the lessons my generation learned as adolescents? Do we really think these youngsters will turn out fine without the chance of unexpected, preventable death? It’s just sad. The childhood I knew is gone, left to a bunch of crybabies with no idea how to gracefully navigate this world.

Trashy House Still Has 311 Day Decorations Up

Posted on March 26, 2022 by Nathan Kamal

LAWRENCE, Kan. — A local home is angering neighbors by leaving their 311 Day decorations up long after the holiday has passed and allowing the display items to fall into disrepair, nearby sources report.

“Look, I celebrate 311 Day just as much as the next person,” said irritated neighbor Robert Mazlinger, who took down his home’s inflatable lawn effigy of 311 drummer Chad Sexton on March 12. “It’s a wonderful tradition for the whole family, and it brings people closer together. But it looks completely fucking awful when those shitheads down the block leave their turntable decorations up in their trees for weeks and they still have their 311 lights blinking the rhythm to ‘All Mixed Up.’ I’m not a snob, but it’s pretty low-class to leave that shit up when they can see everyone else has taken down the chimney wraps that make them look like huge joints.”

“Also, neighborhood association by-laws state that 311 Day decorations be down by end of week,” Mazlinger added. “Verbatim, it says “down or you don’t get to get down. C’mon.”

Josh and Jana Fowler, who own the eyesore in question, don’t see what the big deal is.

“So we don’t take our 311 Day decorations down the second we finish our mugs of homebrew and do the traditional last skank dance of the night,” said Josh Fowler. “What of it? We love 311 Day, and it only comes once a year. It’s just nice to keep up the 311 spirit a little bit longer, and keep that special feeling when everyone is just a little bit nicer to everyone else and is constantly spinning sick grooves like ‘Omaha Stylee.’ We do our family rap-a-longs to ‘Hive’ a bit longer than some people, and we leave the frosted tips on our hedges for a few extra weeks. Whatever, it’s their problem.”

Aaron “P-Nut” Wills, the bassist of 311, had mixed feelings about it all.

“Look, me and the boys love bringing joy, harmony, and reggae-inflected rap-rock to the world,” said Wills. “And we are absolutely delighted that 311 Day has become a global day of celebration, much like the 311 Pow Wow Festival and our sensibly-priced, all-inclusive 311 Caribbean Festival Cruises. But dude, you gotta take that shit down after two days, max. Having a giant blow-up picture of my face on your front door into April just looks terrible, and probably lowers property values.”

As of press time, neighbors were attempting to discreetly remove the dreadlocks from the Fowler family’s mailbox.

We Seduced Our Worst Enemy’s Wife To Get Revenge But It Turns Out He’s Into That

Posted on March 25, 2022 by Stephen Bell

Jason Kuebler has been my worst enemy for as long as I can remember. Getting bullied by him starting in grade school and then all the way through college was tortuous. Even now he somehow managed to become my boss at the office. I finally decided to get revenge by seducing his hot wife. Unfortunately, that’s how I discovered that she was in fact a Hotwife.

I had planned it out so perfectly. We started having sex at a time when I knew he was supposed to be getting home. Then I was going to look him in his stupid face and be all like “muhahahahaha. Take that I am having sex with your wife.” You know, something totally cool and clever like that. Anyway he gets home and sees me thrusting into her and I give my heroic speech about how this was for all those years he treated me.

That’s when he starts talking about how badly he thinks he deserves this and that he’s really getting what’s coming to him. I assure him that he’s been a real jerk and that maybe this should make him rethink his behavior. Except instead of getting mad he starts smiling and it seems like he’s actually enjoying what I’m telling him and encouraging me to say more. So I say more but cut myself off once I realize he’s touching himself through his pants pocket.

It’s at this moment that his wife Jessica asks why I stopped going and says she assumed I knew about his fetish and that’s the only reason she agreed to sleep with me. I then tell her that it was solely for revenge and this turns her on so much that she starts squirting like she’s Old Faithful except I guess she should really be called Old Unfaithful.

Anyway they both encourage me to finish so they can then start the BDSM part of their routine in which they “punish” the other person for their bad behavior. I cum my losses and get the heck out of dodge because I don’t have any desire to see what happens next. The lesson from this whole experience I guess is that you should never use sex for revenge, just put sugar in their gas tank like a normal person.