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Back in My Day We Didn’t Have All of These Food Allergies, We Just Had Sudden Unexplained Death

I can’t believe what this world is coming to. Just yesterday I was dropping my son off at preschool when I saw this sign that read “Peanut-Free Zone.” Really!? What, a parent can’t even make their child a peanut butter, soy, egg, and wheat sandwich anymore? Kids today can’t deal with anything! You know, back in my day, we didn’t have all these frivolous food allergies to worry about. We had real problems like instantaneous, unexplained death.

Back in my day, no one knew the difference between a peanut and a tree nut. We were too busy learning real skills like how to bury a body during lunch fast enough so we didn’t miss recess. Sure, times were sad but we dealt with it! We experienced the trauma of death and moved on without asking any questions. We also did other cool stuff like hunting squirrels with fireworks.

Just look at these kids today. Take my son’s friend who is lactose intolerant. First off, I thought intolerance was frowned upon today. I guess we can add “hypocrisy” to the list of reasons kids are lamer now. I guess it’s all about instant gratification nowadays.

It’s no better at work. The other day, the new guy told me he was having a really hard time with the recent death of his grandmother and wanted to take a “mental health day.” Give me a break! What you need is to get your ass back to work and do what my parents did: hold all your emotions in until dropping dead for some unknown reason.

How do we expect the next generation to lead healthy lives without any of the lessons my generation learned as adolescents? Do we really think these youngsters will turn out fine without the chance of unexpected, preventable death? It’s just sad. The childhood I knew is gone, left to a bunch of crybabies with no idea how to gracefully navigate this world.