The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Men Agree: Best Time to Switch Positions Is When She’s About to Come

Posted on March 30, 2022 by Dom Turek

The votes are in, and the verdict confirms what we already knew: the best time to switch positions is when your partner is on the brink of an orgasm.

In a unanimous survey, 457 men agreed that when a woman says she’s close, it’s time to switch things up and try out some new moves. None of that “consistency is key” stuff. Flip her over like a pancake and fuck her with the syncopation of an experimental jazz album.

Any idiot worth fucking knows intercourse is a marathon, not a sprint. The intensity of the female orgasm is only as strong as the build-up, so take your time getting there. The longer you prolong her climax, the better it will be. Sex experts suggest about 40 minutes, but I like to drag it out it for days, or even months.

Women are timid ethereal creatures by nature, which leaves you responsible for decoding cryptic phrases like, “yes, right there” and “just like that, don’t stop.” Despite her best efforts to elude you with her secret love language, this is your cue to pull out and ask if she wants to 69 or try the inverted pincer. If I learned anything from my last few marriages, it’s never to take anything a woman says at face value.

Check in with her now and then by asking if she’s close, and follow up with, “how about now?” every 30 seconds or until she abruptly remembers a “birthday dinner” she’s supposed to attend. Don’t get discouraged. The body has a threshold for the amount of pleasure it can tolerate before maxing out. I once made a woman feel so good she left my apartment mid-coitus and never talked to me again.

The most important part of helping your partner reach orgasm is being receptive to her needs, unless her needs include bringing a sex toy into the bedroom. Sex toys are training wheels for men who don’t know how to pleasure a woman with the God-given sex toy dangling between their own two legs. A vibrator is just an eight-letter word for virgin, and I haven’t been a virgin since my high school reunion.

Stray Piece Of Thread Floating in the Air Actually Kate Bush

Posted on March 30, 2022 by Sarah Feliciano

EUGENE, Ore. — Roommates and known stoners Lilia Huerta and Sam Khan reportedly witnessed Kate Bush in the form of a stray piece of thread floating through the air on a balmy yet pleasant Spring day, according to sources.

“We were sitting on a blanket outside debating how to pronounce the word ‘patron’ when Lilia noticed a lavender-colored thread loosely twirling through the air and heading toward my shoulder in movements that were kinda short puffs, yet somehow still effortless in their movement, which was so weird,” Khan recalled. “Right as I was plucking it away, we heard a crescendo of kick drum and synths, followed by a distinct ‘running up that road, running up that hill.’”

Huerta confirmed the loose ethereal thread sighting, adding that the pair didn’t question its origins for a second.

“We were like ‘oh yeah, that’s English singer-songwriter Kate Bush,’ you could tell by how the thread was like, solid color but then when it caught the sunlight it sort of sparkled like the way water in an oil slick does,” she said. “She was ⅔ of the way through ‘Hounds of Love’ when a second thread we suspected to be Bjork also contorted by us, faintly whispering like a Siren’s call, but our cat swallowed it before we were able to make out any bells, so who knows what that was about.”

UK-based physicist Dr. Ram Basu has been closely studying the growing phenomena, reporting that this isn’t the first occurrence of Kate Bush mystically appearing as inanimate objects.

“I’ve seen instances of her as an iridescent bubble in Brazil, an accidental squirt of lemon in a guy’s eye in Peru, and even a shimmery glass of water that was so cold the condensation slid it across a table in Milwaukee,” said Dr. Basu. “The scientific community is torn up by whether these are stops along a surprise world tour or just a casual outing for the singer. Either way, the shared experiences of sparked feelings of whimsy and introspection lead me to believe that they are, in fact, the same person.”

At press time, the thread went wide-eyed like a feral animal and lept away as it started singing the first verse of ‘Babooshka.’

She Said “Shut Up And Dance With Me.” Here Is Why That’s Not Okay

Posted on March 29, 2022 by John Danek

I don’t typically go out much these days. But last weekend, my D&D group/polycule decided it was time to go have some fun at a club. The first hour passed uneventfully. I was bobbing my head near the bar when Walk the Moon’s “Shut Up and Dance” came on. The song sounds like if U2 never once gave a shit about a war-torn country; big, toothless arena indie rock, yet catchy.

A sultry woman in an orange dress sauntered up to me, and in perfect timing with the chorus whispered in my ear “Shut up and dance with me.”

What she didn’t realize is that her statement unleashed a whole host of dance-related trauma stemming from my early 30’s.

I turned 31 in the year 2011. LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” was a behemoth of synthesized earworm madness storming the charts. I never learned how to dance beyond imitating one of the unnamed Peanuts kids in their dance sequences. But I always wanted to recreate the impressive moves I was seeing on the internet and on Ellen.

So I began practicing in my living room. I recorded video of my practices and uploaded them to my YouTube channel in the hopes of getting some encouragement. Quickly, I realized I wasn’t getting any better so I hired a teacher.

Linda was mean. Real mean. There was no positive reinforcement. She would point out my every flaw and misstep, which would cause me to start to cry because my parents never once told me anything I did was less than perfect. Anytime I made a whimper, she would yell “SHUT UP AND DANCE!” which made me cry harder.

But I thought I owed it to my meager YouTube following to keep uploading the videos, even of these ill-fated practice sessions. Soon after my last session, someone edited all the Linda + crying videos together.

Without going into too much detail, the video has been one of PornHub’s top “humiliation fetish” videos for years. Coworkers found out. So did family. Most people in my life left. The only ones who accept me are my fellow adventurers/polycule, mostly because their porn fetish choices are far more esoteric than simple humiliation.

I hope it stays that way.

Punk Forced to Purchase Cocaine Instead of Huffing Gasoline

Posted on March 29, 2022 by Antonio Cruise

PALMDALE, Calif. — Local fuel sniffer, Seth Carr, purchased several grams of heavily cut cocaine in response to historically high gas prices and the need to avoid sobriety, sources who couldn’t stop rubbing their gums confirmed.

“I’m a man of simple pleasures. I like to go to shows, grab some gas station taquitos afterward, and then fill my can. But none of that Valero bullshit. You gotta spring for the top-shelf gasoline. Techron straight fucks me up,” explained Carr. “But after gas prices pushed six dollars a gallon, I realized this wasn’t going to be financially viable long-term. It was clear after a cost-benefit analysis of some illicit substances that I had to make a transition to coke. So I got myself an eight-ball to get started and the rest is history.”

A member of the Palmdale Sheriff’s Department, Sergeant Angel Ramirez, noted a recent encounter with Carr.

“Mr. Carr was detained and later released along California State Route 14 after his vehicle was searched for suspicion of narcotics possession. A Replacements cassette, Chevron credit card application, and trace amounts of white powder were found. Mr. Carr was very adamant about his gas huffing days being over, and I’m glad to hear it,” Ramirez said. “He’s had some run-ins with law enforcement in the past, most recently at a Bass Pro Shop in Rancho Cucamonga a few months ago. He was found extremely agitated and seated in a canoe wearing a fishing bib, swinging an ore at employees who attempted to remove a boot that had become stuck on his head. I think this new habit will be best for everyone.”

Paula Johnson, Carr’s girlfriend, is happy with his recent change.

“You know, I wouldn’t call Seth an active person. I’ve talked to him about his laziness and tendency to neglect household duties. It’s created some friction in our relationship. But ever since he started doing blow regularly the apartment has been spotless. I can’t get the guy to stop sweeping,” Johnson exclaimed. “Seth’s little beer belly is disappearing too. Don’t tell him I said this, but I’m starting to find him more attractive. He just has an air of confidence to him. It’s so different from when he was paranoid that the Michelin Man was following him around town.”

At the time this article was written, Carr was seen cutting coupons for Children’s Robitussin with a razor blade.

Is It Just Me or Is Satanic Mass Just as Boring as Catholic Mass?

Posted on March 29, 2022 by Jose Balderas

I was in need of some faith, but I’m also not some dork who pretends their Lord is made of crackers. My friend Karlo was super into Satanism so after a phone call he invited me to check out his temple. I can’t deny I was stoked and I even busted out my “for-shows-only” Ghost shirt. But let me tell you, Satanic mass was the most boring shit ever.

First off, everyone’s super theatrical. They try to talk slow like they’re a thousand years old. I don’t have time for some NPC exposition. If I wanted that I would have stuck with Catholicism. When you say “Satanism,” I think flaming demon heads and fishnet stockings. Sure, everyone was super chill but where were the sick-ass metal riffs? And why isn’t everyone wearing goat skulls?

The lady that greeted me at the Satanic temple/rec center also asked me if “I do what thou wilt” and I didn’t know what to say so I just said “Hell yeah,” which felt appropriate. Ugh. My mom’s Catholic church had ushers too and they were also fucking annoying.

Ok, so Satan equals bad-ass face-melting music right? Well not here. It was some CD on a loop of bells and a chorus track that sounded like a bunch of pre-pubescent boys. No screaming guitars. No drums that would make you think Mordor is erupting with orcs. Also, no orcs. What the fuck are we even doing here?

Worst of all, I expected our Warlock or Wizard (or whatever leads this thing) to be like fuckin’ Danzig. But the dude in charge was like 63 and I’m pretty sure he’s my dad’s mechanic.

Honestly, I could forgive all the old people, Latin, and lack of good music but at the end, they had the audacity to ask for a donation to “The Church.” I can’t think of anything more pathetic than the Prince of Darkness handing me a basket, even if it was made of black wicker, and asking for some change.

Also, there’s no way I’m joining the post-service orgy with anyone I saw there.

Crowd Not Sure if Drummer Engulfed in Flames Part of Show or Not

Posted on March 29, 2022 by Doug Kolic

TORONTO — Concert goers were left baffled last night when drummer Gareth McGibbons of mathcore band Hyde Index burst into flames during the band’s second song, confirmed fans who were unsure if they were watching part of the high-octane show or witnessing a fellow human burnt alive in front of their eyes.

“Nobody knew if we should cheer or scream in horror as the smell of burnt hair and flesh filled the room. I’ve seen Hyde Index a few times and they always do something crazy, so when the drummer started running around the stage waving his arms after a large flame effect set him ablaze, we didn’t know if he was trying to hype up the crowd or gesture for immediate medical attention,” stated long-time fan, Amanda Turnbull. “The next thing we knew, he was lying on the ground as the band continued to play around his motionless body. It was right in the middle of a huge breakdown so nobody could get anywhere near the stage with a fire extinguisher.”

Hal Perry, the venue’s lone security guard also expressed his confusion about the scene.

“Hyde Index has played here a few times and the drummer always does a dumb-ass stunt. Like the time he jumped off the full stack with his snare drum and injured six people. Another time he got shot out of a burning cannon onto hundreds of live scorpions and when I rushed out to help the lead singer got pissy and said I ruined the climax of the song,” said Perry. “Ever since then, I hang back until I can figure out what these morons are up to. All I know for sure is that skinny ass drummer did suffer third-degree burns to his entire body, but was smiling the entire time, so who the fuck knows.”

Though none of the other band members were available for comment after the show, the heavily bandaged McGibbons was tracked down at Cedars-Sinai Burn Unit and offered his take on the night’s events.

“Was the stunt planned? Maybe. Maybe not. Or was it an accident caused by the recklessness of the other band members who constantly force me into dangerous situations because they think it’s funny and they believe I’m easily replaceable? I guess we’ll never know,” said McGibbons while fully wrapped in gauze. “I’m just a little upset that this happened on the first night of our tour because I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive being lit on fire another 27 times.”

At press time, McGibbons was being prepped for another painful skin graft, asking anyone who’d listen if his bandmates ever showed up to check on him.

Southern Drug User Refers to Every Amphetamine As “Coke”

Posted on March 28, 2022 by Corey Montgomery

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Southern woman and recreational drug user Darlene Abbot reportedly refers to every amphetamine or stimulant simply as “coke,” citing cultural norms and ease of conversation.

“That’s just how I was brought up. Poppers, cocaine, bennies, speed, crack… you name it. If it perks ya up, we all just call it ‘coke’ down here. I don’t really know why people want to complicate it so much. Life’s hard enough as is,” explained Abbot. “That’s just how things are in these parts, I suppose. Since before I was even a pup we ain’t had much use for all them fancy drug terms. Gets in the way of what we’re here to do: get high.”

Local drug dealer Jimmy “Slim” McGovern admitted that he experienced frustration with this particular cultural quirk after relocating from Cincinnati, Ohio last month.

“It’s so fucking confusing, man. Just the other day, I had a customer that kept telling me he needed coke. I pulled out almost everything I had to offer, and he just kept shaking his head and saying, ‘No. Coke,’” recounted an exacerbated McGovern. “It wasn’t until he pulled out an empty pill bottle that I realized the dude just wanted Adderall. Honestly, I’m probably just going to make a picture chart of all my uppers to avoid the hassle moving forward.”

Noted linguist James Clint explained that this regional phenomenon is actually quite common.

“It’s kind of like how most people have a tendency to call every tissue a ‘Kleenex.’ When cocaine first hit the South it became quite ubiquitous,” Clint stated. “As similar drugs began to hit the market, it was hard for southerners to shake the cultural impact of cocaine, leading to most stimulants and amphetamines being labeled as ‘coke.’ Me? I’m more of a ludes guy. Believe it or not, I used to think all sedatives were called ludes until I got my Master’s.”

Abbot was last seen at a local Dairy Queen where she frustrated workers by ordering a Sprite.

Toddler Who Found Dad’s Gun Finally Getting Some Respect Around Here

Posted on March 28, 2022 by Matt Bieker

CHATTANOOGA — Local three-year-old Joseph Rhoades is finally getting some goddamn respect in his household after finding his father’s semi-automatic handgun behind a bookshelf in the upstairs bedroom.

“No more nap time! I want ‘Paw Patrol’ now!” the toddler screamed, tapping the barrel of the loaded Glock 38 on the side of his highchair. “Mommy and Daddy were always bossing me around before, but I just point the big gun and go ‘bang’ and everybody does what I say. Maybe those times they laughed at me when I got spaghetti sauce all over my face aren’t so fucking funny now, huh?”

Mother Chrissie Rhoades was left to manage the new schedule of eating chocolate and destroying the pantry that her son has insisted upon, while father Mark Rhoades promises to “handle it” when he gets home.

“When Joey first found the gun, I was obviously worried about the safety aspect of things, but he knows that what he’s holding is not a toy—because his toy guns are much lighter and more brightly colored,” she said while hurriedly making her son his favorite snack. “He’s really come out of his shell since he started carrying it around. Although, it does make me nervous to see him sleep with it tucked into the waistband of his Huggies. Please don’t tell him I said that.”

Some sources close to the situation, like 15-year-old babysitter Eliott Meyer, recounted their concern about the new development.

“I mean, I kinda knew what this family was all about when I saw their Gadsden flag bumper sticker—but there’s an actual crisis situation going on in there,” said Meyer, pointing to the family’s suburban home from behind the truck in the driveway he was using for cover. “I gotta say, though, Joey does look pretty badass when he holds the gun sideways like that. I guess I’m sorry for calling him a whiny baby last weekend, and I definitely will not make the mistake of bringing him regular milk when he asks for strawberry ever again.”

At press time, sources stated that the child had packed the gun into his ‘Toy Story’ backpack in anticipation of preschool the following day while ‘Hotel Transylvania: Transformania’ ran on a loop in the family’s den for the seventh consecutive hour. When pressed for comment, the toddler answered that “The time for talking was way past over.”

Toddler Who Found Dad’s Gun Finally Getting Some Respect Around Here

Posted on March 28, 2022 by Matt Bieker

Some sources close to the situation, like 15-year-old babysitter Eliott Meyer, recounted their concern about the new development.

How To Recognize Disinformation Spread by Russian State Media or My Lying Ex-best Friend Denise

Posted on March 28, 2022 by Dianne Nora

As tensions mount across the world and within our communities, social media has become an invaluable source of information on the escalating conflicts at home and abroad. While many verified reports circulate across social media, these sites have also become a hotbed of misinformation about the Russian invasion of the sovereign nation of Ukraine, and of all the shit that went down when I thought my so-called “best friend” Denise was someone I could fucking trust.

Here are some tips to recognize the truth from disinformation, be they lies from the mouth of a callous, warmongering psychopath or from Russian president Vladimir Putin.

Read beyond the first line – One technique to spread false information online is to create an inflammatory but ultimately misleading headline or caption that fails to capture the reality of the situation. For example, Kremlin sources have suggested that they entered Ukraine to “De-Nazify the nation.” There’s much more to it than that. Another example is when Denise shared a screenshot of a text in which I said to the group chat that I was feeling guilty for hooking up with the cousin of my on-again-off-again boyfriend Kyle.

Check the date – Sharing articles or images as if they are breaking news, when they are in fact several years old, is a tried and true method of intentionally misrepresenting the facts. News stories shared from years passed could lead readers to believe the conflict in Ukraine was a civil war rather than an invasion, just as older posts from Denise could show we did get matching tattoos saying “Friends” and “Forever.” But more recent information would show mine now reads “Forever Young,” because I don’t need to spend time on anyone who can’t keep her fucking mouth shut.

Look out for unusual formatting – Kremlin websites may look like a recognizable URL but upon further examination, there may be unusual punctuation or inverted letters, like one that fuckhead Denise tries to text and it’s readily apparent she’s been drinking because she could never hold her tequila. At least spell my name right if you’re spreading shit about me to my friends, bitch.

Understand that images can be misleading – Photos and even videos you find online may be edited or presented out of context. Images you see of American jets flying over Ukraine or of me straddling Kyle’s cousin are obviously doctored. Everyone knows I would never hook up in a public hot tub.

Ask yourself some simple questions – Do you know who uploaded this content and why they chose to share it now? Like Ukraine, you may be a target of intentional propaganda circulated by the Kremlin or a sad loser who is clearly still obsessed with me.

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