So you’ve heard of folks throwing around the concept of going back in time to kill baby Hitler. It’s a solid idea and we applaud these brave philosophers of our time, but did you know there’s a ton of other shitty babies that have debuted their existence along our shared human timeline? Here are the top 10 babies we’d go back in time to kill.
Leopold II of Belgium
Modern estimates of the death toll during Leopold’s occupation of the Democratic Republic of the Congo range from 1 million to 15 million. He achieved these numbers through systematic brutality, including torture, murder, and the amputation of the hands. With that in mind, why does baby Hitler get to have all the fun of being obliterated? Hey infant Leopold 2, watch your ass!
The Nirvana Baby
We all agree that baby genitals are best left unseen. One less baby dick we all have to see is a collective win. And we are fully prepared to kill as many babies as needed until this Album art is altered.
JJ Abrams
I am shaking in anger just thinking of this man as a baby. Whoever made the conscious decision to make this future adult male clearly hates the noble tradition of 2 and a half hour long space pirate toy commercials. He’s gotta go.
Joe Rogan
For us, this is much less a political thing and more a test of our own strength. We bet this would have been one buff baby. It would be pretty interesting to see what kind of fight he’d put up. In fact, this might be an important lesson in strategy for other baby killing time travelers, so take note.
Morrissey
Has there ever been a more obvious baby that needs offing? Time travel wouldn’t even be necessary with this one since Morrissey is a giant adult baby. In fact, Historians have theorized Morrissey acts as the shitty baby Hive Queen and offing him would cause a chain reaction destroying insufferable babies across the globe, such as Andy Dick, all of N’Sync, Tucker Carlson, and that impatient fucker who honked at me at a green light earlier today.
James Connor Mugratroyd
This kid is my supposed nephew and we share a birthday. So, guess who’s special day now gets overshadowed by a doe-eyed dipshit with a slight speech impediment? Fuck you, little Jimmy.
Mother Teresa
We have a sneaking suspicion this saint was a fucking baby asshole. I mean, what reason would she spend her entire life being so god-fearing other than she was a mondo dipshit of a baby? Our timeline clean up crew doesn’t feel comfortable leaving anything up to chance so this baby is gettin’ the ax.
President Ronald Reagan
No one can deny this piece of shit made some bad movies, aside from the chimp-laced shenanigans of 1951’s “Bedtime for Bonzo,” of course. But did you also know this demented California raisin was once president of the United States? While we have no idea whether he was good at that job or not, I think we can all agree we want to live in a world where his film career never happened.
Queen Elizabeth II
Wow, is this lady old. Can you imagine instead of being an old lady she was a murdered baby instead? Think of all the Sex Pistols songs we wouldn’t have to hear. #winning
Mrs. Susan McGinnis-Smith
This lady lives down the street from me and reported me to the HOA for breaking some arbitrary bylaws about having pink flamingos on my lawn and shitting in her pachysandra. Well guess what, Susan? You made the fucking list, tell the baby version of yourself “googoo gaga, watch your fucking back.”