Report: Increasing Number of Math Rock Bands Not Meeting State’s Minimum Requirements

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — A recent study conducted by Georgetown University showed that at least 90 percent of active math rock bands fail to meet their state’s minimum proficiency standards.

“This study shows that we’re failing the latest crop of math rock bands by allowing them to release music with standard time signatures and basic chords,” stated Christina Martin, the study’s lead researcher. “When we began our research, we knew that diminished output from existing bands and low turnout at shows was a problem, but it goes much deeper. On average, your modern-day math rock band is scoring maybe 5.5 or 6 on Pitchfork and that’s if they can even manage to get the reviewer to listen to the album at all. It’s appalling and there needs to be educational reform in the scene or else American math rock will be completely overshadowed by Japanese math rock in less than a decade.”

Math rock musicians shared their thoughts on the recent news and defended their genre and scene against the criticism.

“I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as proficiency standards for a music community. My dad taught me how to play guitar at home and I know just as much as fancy college kids at Berklee,” said Tommy Olsen, guitarist of Mississippi-based math rock band The Helix Theory. “Sorry, we can’t all be Slint, but we’re not trying to be. Not all math rock needs to be overly complicated. Basic addition and subtraction are considered math, right? So the fact The Helix Theory only plays in 4/4 should still classify us as math rock. ”

Government regulators were concerned by the study’s findings and are considering taking action.

“If local scenes can’t show marked musical improvements, then we have a responsibility to step in and enact a federal standard,” said Department of Education spokesperson Amy Leverbraun. “The minimum should be American Football and these bands are barely cracking the Travistan level. We’re currently working with South Korea to start a math rock exchange program and are also in talks with Steve Albini to lead a task force to come up with common standards for all math rock bands to meet, but those have stalled because he keeps telling us to ‘go fuck ourselves with a lead pipe.’”

At press time, officials announced a bipartisan agreement to finally classify geographical boundaries that would allow a band to call themselves “Midwest Emo.”

Slow Burn Indie Horror Has Actually Been Paused For 40 Minutes

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

WALLINGFORD, Conn. — Horror fan Rebekah West recently mistook her paused TV screen for a tense, slow-burning scene from experimental found footage horror film “The Outwaters,” confused and spooked sources confirmed.

“Right around the beginning of the second act the characters are attacked after hearing weird noises in the distance. Suddenly, the camera stops, and eerie clicking noises, whispering, and groans continue on the soundtrack,” West said. “This was a bold and effective choice. Or so I thought. But after almost an hour of nothing happening on screen I realized I accidentally sat on the Roku remote. And the sounds weren’t coming from the TV, but from the neighbor’s sprinklers and my roommate masturbating to ASMR porn. I started the movie up again, and it was okay, but nothing compared to that one horrifying scene I apparently made up in my mind.”

The Director/Writer/Star of “The Outwaters” Robbie Banfitch took Rebekah’s viewing mistake as a compliment.

“It’s flattering,” Banfitch said. “We were just trying to tell a simple story about a group of friends making a minimalist music video in the desert. I’m thrilled we were able to create an atmospheric, immersive experience. And to think, the movie worked even without the movie actually playing is a game-changer for filmmakers. This could open up a whole new world of meta-filmmaking in which the viewer just sort of imagines what happens next, but still pays us to ‘watch’ the movie.”

Andrea Bever, Host of the “Colors of Horror” podcast, reported that this experience coincides with the rising “liminal” horror trend.

“Between Creepypastas and movies like ‘Skinamarink,’ there’s been an explosion in the exploration of uncanny feelings in familiar places,” said Bever. “And the beauty of it is, it’s so easy to pull off. Just juxtapose something innocent from a typical Millennial’s childhood with something spooky. A lost episode of ‘Street Sharks’ where Ripster strangles Streex to death? Sure, why not? Or how about the Babadook running around an abandoned Rainforest Cafe? Those are two billion-dollar ideas just off the dome, baby.”

At press time, West has seemingly not learned her lesson as she recently mistook the DVD menu for the film ‘Lost Highway’ to be the film itself.

We Look Back on the Music of the Transformers DVD Menu Because We’re Drunk at Our Friend’s House in 2008

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I don’t know how I fell asleep using the lower level of a coffee table as a pillow, but here I am: trapped in the eternal hell of this Transformers DVD until someone turns it off or this apartment building explodes. Either one would be a miracle.

I’d do it, but If I move in any way, I’ll puke on everything within a ten-foot radius–including the clump of people having sex in the corner. Since I’m too fucked up to move and can’t fall back asleep, I might as well review the wide-ranging artists and genres of this Transformers DVD menu.

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky First impression: Don’t care for it. This song is the Dollarita of action movie music. I guess there are some decently triumphant horn swells, but it’s no John Williams.

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky Second time around, I still don’t love it, but it kinda reminds me of Danny Elfman’s Spider-Man stuff. I like the added Transformer sounds. It’s a nice touch I missed the first time through.

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky Maybe this song isn’t so bad. You know, I might actually be able… to fall… asle…

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky FUCK! Why is this song so loud?! Why won’t somebody just turn it off?! I know everyone else that isn’t fucking is pretending to be asleep so they don’t have to do it, but I really can’t move. Please. Help.

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky I’m too drunk to be awake. My neck is dislocated, and the world is spinning. I hope I get stung by a scorpion.

“Autobots” by Steve Jablonsky Jesus, Allah, YHWH, Krishna, Hans Zimmer, anyone: please end my life. Preferably now. I can’t take the flashing lights, weird monk harmonies, or Transformer noises anymore. Make it fucking stop because I need to work in forty-five minutes.

“What I’ve Done” by Linkin Park FINALLY! A new song!!! YES! I thought I was going to–OH. It’s just my RZR’s new ringtone. It’s probably that guy from the Obama campaign again. De–cline. Sick song, though.

Wait! Am I laying on the remote? Hell yeah! I’m gonna start this automotive manufacturing propaganda film all over again and chug every time I throw up a Papa John’s box!

Misdiagnosed Psychobilly Band Really a Sociobilly Band

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Former psychobilly luminaries The Rot Hodders were revealed to be accidentally misdiagnosed and will be moving forward as a “sociobilly” band, medical officials confirmed.

“I find that my lack of a conscience just makes more room in my brain for song ideas. And the bleak, vacuum-like deadness behind my eyes? Just space for even more song ideas,” opined Rot Hodders frontman “Kansas Dan” Freberg, while squashing a mother spider in front of its young. “You see these flames on my shirt? Well, funny story, they’re actual photographs of the multiple fires I’ve started around the tri-county area. Beautiful, aren’t they? Lives may have been lost, but I like to think they live on in our revved up rockabouts, baby. Hoo yeah.”

Certain band members were reportedly shocked and even terrified by the new direction the band took.

“These guys freak the shit out of me. How am I supposed to keep the beat when I see the upright bassist hack the neck off his instrument mid-song with a glean in his eye I’ve only seen in rabid beasts? Sure, their riffs are red hot, but I’ve got a bad feeling about these guys!” said new drummer Peyton Wrigs, while actively shivering. “Then I’ll get to thinking, oh god, what happened to the drummer I’m replacing? I’ve never gotten the nerve to ask ‘em because they’re always sharpening something or cheering on that bug zapper outside our rehearsal space. If I don’t survive this tour, you’ll know why.”

Local psychiatrist Dr. Terrald Beams apologizes for his initial diagnosis.

“This band is an actual threat to society, and I’m not just trying to sound like I’m giving them street cred or whatever,” emphasized Dr. Beams. “An actual, factual, danger to those around them. Like, these guys should actually probably be locked up somewhere away from others and, to a lesser extent, their electric hollowbody guitars. I think I got lost in their rapid fire guitar licks, and for that, I deeply apologize.”

At press time, a petrified Wrigs escaped the Rot Hodders to drum for an “agoraphobibilly” band that never leaves their practice space.

Aging Aerosmith Looking for Young Groupies to Mainly Help with iPhone Updates

Posted on by Doug Kolic

BOSTON – Members of the legendary rock band Aerosmith admitted that their desire for young groupies is less about sex and more to do about their need for tech-related help, according to sources waiting for Brad Whitford’s new iOS to install.

“We’re still all about that Rock ‘n’ Roll lifestyle,” stated a confused-looking Steven Tyler after opening his 208th Safari window. “But as we get older we need groupies who can show us how to download the newest software and help us reset our streaming passwords, greater than our need for yet another orgy. We’ve got twenty-five gold records but none of that means shit if we don’t know how to connect to the Hilton’s WiFi network. We love our older groupies but those chicks are generally just as clueless as we are so finding some younger babes is crucial. Sure, love in an elevator is cool but so is figuring out how to silence all those goddamn alarms we accidentally set.”

Young Press Agent Lindsay Dahlberg described an awkward encounter she had with the band.

“I was at a recent show when Joe Perry invited me backstage,” explained Dahlberg. “I went to their dressing room to clarify that I work for their record label and had no intention of hooking up, but was taken aback when they instead just begged me to update their iPads because they couldn’t play Candy Crush anymore. To be honest it would have been much quicker just to dole out a few handies instead of trying to explain to them the ins and outs of modern technology and why they need to quit apps when they aren’t in use. I did get a good laugh though that all of their passwords were ‘Aerosmith’.”

Music historian Gabriel McCurdy explained that the needs of musicians change as they get older.

“When bands like Aerosmith are young the only things that they’re thinking about are getting high and screwing until the break of dawn,” said McCurdy. “But as they age, they prefer to find groupies that can aid them in more practical ways like helping them in and out of their tight leather pants, and showing them how to unsubscribe from the Cialis newsletters that are cluttering up their inbox.”

At press time, the band was seen begging a bachelorette party to come back to their hotel room to help them solve a series of CAPTCHA puzzles so they could book their flights home.

IDLES Have Great Idea for Song After Watching Dog Eat Vomit in Front of Buckingham Palace

Posted on by Zach Hudson

LONDON — British rock band IDLES are back in the studio working on a new single after being inspired by a dog eating vomit in front of Buckingham Palace, grossed-out sources report.

“We were on our way to the charity shop to find new mismatching outfits for a photo shoot, and decided to walk past the Palace. This woman was so overwhelmed that she got chunder all over the sidewalk, and this bloke’s dog ran over and started eating it,” said frontman Joe Talbot while grasping a microphone so intensely that his hand is shaking. “I thought to myself, wow, this is brilliant! It can be interpreted as nonsensical or symbolic, all while being comical, but kind of unpleasant to think about. Our fans are gonna love this one.”

Some music critics are questioning the band’s creative process.

“I’ve always appreciated IDLES’ witty takes on the state of British politics, and the general state of the world, but it feels like they’re grasping at low hanging fruit with this concept,” said local music blogger Lauren Piker. “And for a band that vehemently denies being a punk band, this sure seems like something a punk band would write about. I will say though, I could see them returning to the gritty, energetic sound of Brutalism with this one though, which would be exciting.”

Representatives of Buckingham Palace are not thrilled about the band’s plans to write about what they are calling a “PR nightmare.”

“On behalf of his majesty King Charles III and the Royal Family, we kindly ask the band known as IDLES to stay away from Buckingham Palace, and stop trying to besmirch the good public image of the Palace with this vile image,” said Buckingham Palace Representative Patrick Carp. “These hooligans have been staining the United Kingdom’s good name for years, and this latest stunt is particularly upsetting. Also, it is my personal opinion that CRAWLER was utter rubbish”

At press time, IDLES was busy arguing over which stale pop culture references from a decade ago they should include in their new song.

Shit: This Guy’s Cover of “Wonderwall” Is Actually Pretty Good

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Wow, this guy brought an acoustic guitar to a coffee shop open mic. I’m sure he will just astound us with technical ingenuity and lyrical insights beyond our comprehension. That is, of course, assuming he won’t just do a clunky rendition of something everyone remembers from the 90s.

Wait.

No, he can’t be.

He’s actually playing fucking “Wonderwall.”

Okay, this is probably just a joke and he’s only doing the first few lines. Oh, never mind, it looks like he’s well into the second verse. I guess commitment to the bit helps with the irony?

But it doesn’t seem like he’s being ironic. He’s not making any goofy faces or singing in a purposefully bad Liam Gallagher impression. In fact, he’s got a really nice voice. It’s kinda got that Sturgill Simpson quality where it’s gritty but also has an unmistakable vulnerability.

And he’s definitely not just doing a complete retread of the original. He’s given it a more rustic feel, yet it doesn’t feel like some kind of novelty. Honestly, he’s kind of making it his own.

This is like hearing a used car jingle on a stradivarius. This dude is giving me an emotional reaction to “Wonderwall,” what the fuck is his problem?

He looks like he’s in his early 30s. So, surely, he’s old enough to know that after a decade-plus of unwanted frat bro covers at parties, “Wonderwall” has become something of a punchline. I mean, I think we can generally agree that it’s a good song. But playing a sincere cover of it, in 2023, just boggles the mind. Doesn’t he remember the “Anyway, here’s ‘Wonderwall’” meme from a few years back?

Well, maybe he does. But he’s showing no apparent sign of self-consciousness. He’s not douchey or anything. He’s just…present, playing a song I hadn’t heard brought up in a non-ironic context in years. It’s actually kind of inspiring. It at least makes me want to put on “(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?” when I get home. Great, great album. Jesus, what is happening to me?

Update: His “Hallelujah” cover sounds good too, and I am now old.

Review: Green Day “Dookie”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times travels back to review a classic album of the past. Sometimes it’s even a good one. This week we’re taking a closer look at Green Day’s smash hit “Dookie.” Also, if you’re reading this, please send help.

This album is nothing short of legendary. It’s got classics like “Basketcase,” “When I Come Around,” and several other quintessential tracks about getting high and masturbating. It’s so good that I haven’t listened to a single other album in years. That’s because I picked “Dookie” as part of Tower Records’ “Desert Island Album Challenge” promotional campaign back in early 2006, and I’m still stuck on this sandy hellscape in the middle of the ocean today while slowly going mad from dehydration.

Long story short, it was supposed to be a three-day challenge kind of thing, but I’ve been here for seemingly decades now. Starting to think Tower Records shut down entirely and just forgot to pick me up. If I ever get rescued, I vow to only buy CDs from Borders Books and Music.

I still remember the very first time I heard this album though. It wasn’t soon after when I signed some agreement in-store that allowed the music media giant to blindfold me and drop me out of a moving plane onto this desolate beach with nothing but a pocket knife, CD player, and “Dookie.” Got to be honest, their business model doesn’t seem very sustainable.

In terms of the album though, “Longview” seems to be a song about boredom. That one really speaks to me here. So does “Chump” since that’s exactly how I feel after willingly participating in this ridiculous challenge. “Welcome to Paradise” was pretty cool for the first few days I was here because of all the palm trees and sunshine, but the hidden track “All By Myself” now feels more accurate to how I’m feeling.

One silver lining is that I learned how to build a fire, capture fish with my bare hands, and make shelter out of branches, twigs, and leaves. However, at some point, I got so hungry that I had to consume my physical copy of “Dookie” to avoid starvation. As much as I loved listening to this album, I have to say it tastes even better when you haven’t eaten in days.

Score: 5 out of 5 SOS messages

The Weekly Scene Report: April 1

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

So you clawed and scratched your way through yet another week, but have you made it through the most important news stories from the last seven days? If not, here’s your weekly round-up.

Record Shop Releases Attack Dogs Whenever Customer Looks Up Discogs Prices In Store

Read the full story here.

boygenius Asks Motherfuckers in the Back to Maybe Not Cry So Loudly

Read the full story here.

Opinion: It’s Never Too Late to Start Over Unless You’re Over 35

Read the full story here.

Chris Carrabba Goes on “Undercover Boss” to Meet Rest of Dashboard Confessional

Read the full story here.

Operation Ivy’s Ska Man Logo “Hurt” and “Betrayed” He Wasn’t Asked to Represent Bad Optix on T-Shirts

Read the full story here.

Willie Nelson Crashes Girls Sleepover to Get Hair Rebraided and Check Out Snack Situation

Read the full story here.

Tom Waits Pumps up Crowd by Shooting “Tattered Overalls and Busted Top Hat” Cannon

Read the full story here.

Did Limp Bizkit Predict the Future? Because Everything Is Fucked and Everybody Sucks

Read the full story here.

Dad At Basement Show Noticing All Sorts of Issues Hosts Are Gonna Have If They Don’t Update Plumbing Soon

Read the full story here.

Phish Fan Puts Crates of Winter Sandals Back in Storage

Read the full story here.

Breaking: Millions of Americans Google “What Does Indictment Mean?”

Read the full story here.

New Spotify Feature Allows You to Listen to Music and Podcast at the Same Time, so You Never Have to Deal With an Intrusive Thought Again

Posted on by Matt McInerney

STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Spotify announced they are releasing a new feature that will allow users to listen to a song and a podcast at the exact same time, thus eliminating any need to hear your own thoughts, distracted sources confirmed.

“You know what’s better than one thing? Two things! That’s why we’re excited to announce the ‘simultaneous playback’ feature. You can now stream two pieces of audio from the same account at the same time,” said Cleo Berger, a representative from Spotify’s PR team. “Users will love it because it will further enable them to consume more of our incredible content and they will no longer be subjected to the noise inside their own brain. This revolutionary technology will wipe away all the dissatisfaction you have with your job, home life, or general lot in life because you won’t be able to hear anything other than the premium content only Spotify can provide.”

Iliana Harris has been beta-testing this feature and hopes it will finally drown out her inner monologue.

“When I bought a Bluetooth speaker for my shower, I thought I’d finally solved this problem. But I was wrong. Despite the non-stop audio shield I’d built around myself, the thoughts started to creep in even in the milliseconds of silence in a podcast or song,” said Harris. “This simultaneous play thing is a godsend. As long as I remember to pay my internet bill, I’ll never again have to ponder my hellish existence. I’ll never be forced to overthink a problem. Or even just regular think.”

Dr. Carter Garmo, a psychologist who studies the effect of media on a person’s well-being, has observed this behavior developing over time.

“A deer can hear about 300 yards in any direction. Now imagine if you duct-taped an amplifier to its head, so it’s able to hear every sign of danger for miles. It would probably die within a day. Social media has basically done that to every human on the planet.” said Garmo. “Early forms of self-medication included watching ‘The Office’ non-stop as background noise. And we’re only seeing examples get more extreme over time. You know, as I say this out loud, I’m realizing this may explain why ‘Suits’ was supposedly the number-one show on cable, but I’ve never met anyone that claims to watch it.”

Shortly after the release, Spotify announced they’d also struck a deal to install a fully immersive ad-funded audio experience on that little trail you walk to clear your head.

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