Steve Lampiris, Author at HARDTIMES

Other Songs That Should Be Banned by Wisconsin’s Heyer Elementary School

Posted on April 5, 2023 by Steve Esparra

With the news that Heyer Elementary School in Waukesha, Wisconsin has removed “Rainbowland” by Dolly Parton and Miley Cyrus from their annual Spring Concert, concerned parents have put together a list of other problematic songs and nursery rhymes they feel could indoctrinate their childrens’ innocent young minds. The Hard Times has gotten a hold of the list that the Waukesha Board of Education is in the midst of reviewing.

Please be warned, some of the content in these songs could be considered troubling to some readers.

Pat-A-Cake

A rhyme about bakers? I don’t think so. He’s probably being forced to pat and prick a cake for a gay couple adopting a baby. Unacceptable.

Baa Baa Black Sheep

Of course the sheep is lack. Heaven forbid we show our kids that white sheep exist without making them feel guilty.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

I don’t need my son wondering what he is, okay? Also, I don’t like the word “twinkle.” Just doesn’t sit right.

Rock-A-Bye Baby

Trying to normalize cradle rocking is dangerous, and will lead to cradle robbing if left unattended. That’s probably what these groomers want though, isn’t it?

Itsy Bitsy Spider

Sunny, then rainy, then sunny again? Perfect conditions for a rainbow. Keep your climate politics out of our schools.

Humpty Dumpty

Implying that there is any mission that the king’s military can’t handle is unpatriotic. Also, no wall talk until we have one at the border.

Five Little Monkeys

Doctors shouldn’t be telling parents how to raise their children. We love our pediatrician because she has never once told me to stop my kids from jumping on the bed.

Mary Had a Little Lamb

Without order, there is chaos, and children laughing at someone breaking the rules sets a bad precedent.

I’m A Little Teapot

Letting children pretend to be teapots is a slippery slope toward them saying their pronouns are short/stout. Not on my watch!

Wheels on the Bus

Let me guess… this song comes with a lesson about Rosa Parks? It’s been 70 years; enough already.

Hickory Dickory Dock

Nice try. We’ve all heard the Andrew Dice Clay bit.

The school board is also reviewing the district’s policy on musical instruments as a whole, citing that multiple parents have claimed that joining the band in itself seems “a little gay.”

Every Propagandhi Album Ranked

Posted on April 5, 2023 by John Danek

Fun fact: if you read this whole listicle and listen to all of Propagandhi’s discography today, you will be eligible for an honorary degree in Politics from Bard College. Just use coupon code FREEJOHNHINCKLEY. Ok, let’s get to the rankings of Canada’s most caustic political punks.

7. How to Clean Everything (1993)

If you’re a Propagandhi fan whose eye is now twitching with rage because I’m ranking this juvenile outing last, how’s that AARP membership working out for you? “How to Clean Everything” sounds bad. There are hardly any songs worth revisiting. This is what happens when you let teens into a recording studio.

Play It Again: “Stick the Fucking Flag up Your Goddamn Ass, You Sonofabitch”
Skip It: “I Want U 2 Vant Me”

6. Failed States (2012)

Failed States completes Propagandhi’s transformation from a snotty melodic skate punk band to a darker thrash/hardcore institution. Have you ever listened to an album, enjoyed it, but had difficulty remembering which songs were which? That happens to me with “Failed States.” A better music critic could tell you why, but you’re stuck with me, so we’re going to leave it at that.

Play It Again: “Failed States”
Skip It: “Cognitive Suicide”

5. Less Talk, More Rock (1996)

A step up from their debut, Propagandhi’s sophomore effort “Less Talk, More Rock” moves closer towards what would become their signature sound. Quite a bit more aggressive, this LP aims for fewer chuckles and garnered more boos from assholes. We here at The Hard Times can relate.

Play It Again: “…And We Thought Nation States Were a Bad Idea”
Skip It: “Anchorless”

4. Supporting Caste (2009)

Propagandhi’s most musically progressive entry in their catalog is “Supporting Caste.” The performances and production are top notch, and Chris Hannah gains mastery over his voice here. Oh shit, I started sounding like a real music critic there. Umm, suck my ass?

Play It Again: “Dear Coach’s Corner”
Skip It: “Human(e) Meat (The Flensing of Sandor Katz)”

3. Victory Lap (2017)

No band has gotten more ferocious as they’ve gotten older like Propagandhi has. “Victory Lap” is aptly titled, as it contains some of their most intricate and heavy guitar lines as well as great hooks. Maybe Propagandhi has the Benjamin Button disease? They should go get that checked out.

Play It Again: “Comply/Resist”
Skip It: “In Flagrante Delicto”

2. Today’s Empires, Tomorrow’s Ashes (2001)

I almost put this album at number 3. Then I woke up and reordered it all because I’m a different person today. “Today’s Empires, Tomorrow’s Ashes” sees the band with a more mature, more radical worldview. It doesn’t get much straightforward and pure than a song like “Fuck the Border.” Fuck it, indeed.

Play It Again: “Back to the Motor League”
Skip It: “March of the Crabs”

1. Potemkin City Limits (2005)

You know how people dunk on those columnists in the 90s who were like “I think the internet is a fad and will be gone by year’s end?” The same treatment should be applied to all the idiots who didn’t realize the genius of “Potemkin City Limits.” It contains some of the best, complex hardcore/melodic/whateverthefuck punk songs in North American history. The album opens with one of the greatest punk songs ever which is about an imagined conflict between the U.S. and Canada and escalates from there. Now blast this album and go set a business park on fire.

Play It Again: “A Speculative Fiction”
Skip It: “Cut Into the Earth”

Two Opening Snare Hits From Thursday’s “Understanding in a Car Crash” Inducted Into Emo Hall of Fame

Posted on April 5, 2023 by The Hard Times Staff

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — The Emo Hall of Fame announced its latest wave of inductees which includes the snare drum that opens Thursday’s classic song “Understanding in a Car Crash,” confirmed multiple sources wearing Saucony shoes.

“I’m so proud that I got to play a small part in this historic moment by playing a very small part to open that song,” said Thursday’s drummer Tucker Rule. “I’m hoping that someday the entire song will be inducted, as well as the rest of ‘Full Collapse,’ and maybe even the entire band, but for right now this is a moment to celebrate. I can still remember the day we decided to use the snare to open the song. Originally it started with Geoff (Rickley) saying ‘Ok start now’ as a signal for the guitar to kick in, but one time during practice I dropped my sticks at the exact right moment and history was made.”

Longtime Thursday fans were excited to see an important component of one of their favorite songs finally getting recognition.

“Everyone knows the album opens with this mellow ambient track that doesn’t really add all that much. You sit through it and then out of nowhere the snare drum hits you and changes everything,” said 39-year-old emo fan Kevin Finch. “Anytime I hear that snare sound I get transported back to 2001. It reminds me of how I used to be able to wear a youth large shirt without it being torn to shreds, and how I ruined my family’s sink when I tried dying my hair black. Those were simpler times, back when the closest thing we had to social media was Makeoutclub.”

Dr. Juan Reyes, the president of the Emo Hall of Fame, says there will be an entire exhibit dedicated to the snare sound.

“We are setting up a listening library that will play that .02-second long music clip on repeat for anyone to listen to and enjoy,” said Dr. Reyes. “It will join the amp buzz that opens up Saves the Day’s ‘Through Being Cool,’ the 5 seconds of messing around at the beginning of American Football’s ‘Never Meant,’ and the final kick drum during the fade out of The Get Up Kids’ ‘Something to Write Home About.’ I encourage any fan of real emo to come by and check out the exhibit. But if you try coming in here wearing an All Time Low shirt, just expect trouble.”

The Emo Hall of Fame also announced the construction of a state-of-the-art prison that is expected to house anyone that calls Weezer an emo band.

Entry-Level Bassist Position Requires Bullshit 5 Years of Exposure

Posted on April 5, 2023 by Bobby Korec

BALTIMORE — Local indie band Pedro Pastel put out an ad seeking an entry-level bassist that required an unrealistic five years of exposure, confirmed sources rolling their eyes in unison.

“It’s always a red flag when the job description says they’re looking for a ‘rockstar’ and someone that can work in a fast-paced practice environment,” said bassist and potential candidate Blaine Dawson. “Let’s see. I have a bachelor’s degree in music theory, master’s in contemporary performance, and several internships at various record companies, but evidently that’s not nearly enough for them. And when I asked what they meant when they said they offer a ‘highly competitive salary’ they evidently meant free pizza on Fridays. That’s pretty ballsy for a band no one’s ever heard of.”

The group’s manager Chase Kyleston defended the job requirements.

“We’ve had this bass player position open for a full year now,” said Kyleston before rejecting an applicant because they didn’t include a cover letter. “And we’ve had to turn down hundreds of unqualified candidates and even a few qualified ones that just didn’t vibe right. It’s like no one wants to work for little to no compensation anymore. I don’t really think it’s unreasonable to ask for years of hands-on exposure, at least a few platinum records under their belts, and manager-level experience in Nine Inch Nails. We’d even accept someone who played the main stage at Coachella within the last five years. We’re not that picky.”

Human Resources expert Rebecca Gainesville believes this irrational employer trend is here to stay.

“Beginner jobs that require an absurd amount of experience are like employment catch-22,” said Gainseville. “In theory, someone with years of exposure wouldn’t accept an entry-level position, and anyone who’s just starting out wouldn’t have enough experience. It’s like how Matt Skiba got the guitarist job in blink-182. His years of exposure in Alkaline Trio made him a perfect candidate for the position. Imagine if he turned that down for a spot in some no-name band who opened for other no-name bands? Wouldn’t happen. Hiring managers really need to lower their expectations.”

At press time, Dawson took matters into his own hands and formed a small startup band, citing his “entrepreneurial spirit and background in hustle.”

How to Save Money on Therapy by Trauma Dumping on Your Friends at Every Conceivable Opportunity

Posted on April 5, 2023 by John Danek

Talk therapy is a service that almost all people could benefit from. Unfortunately, it costs about $700 per minute and most therapists kinda suck at their jobs anyhow. So instead, consider an alternative: trauma dumping to your friends every single time you interact with them. Never mind the fact that they aren’t “technically therapists” and could theoretically “have their own problems.” Let the Hard Times be your guide.

Save time by skipping saying “Hello” and diving right into the pain
Casual greetings like “Hi,” “Hello,” or “How’s it going?” subtract from the time you could be talking about your rough experiences, negative thoughts, and perceived slights onto your friends. Interrupt their meaningless greetings and get right to the heart of the matter.

Only talk about yourself
Asking questions invites the chance for someone other than you to talk about themselves. Since you will only ever experience life from your own perspective, why waste time with irrelevant narratives? Only your truth matters even if you need to embellish it for dramatic effect.

Twist the Knife
Avoid undercutting the severity of your problems by following up with a joke or any sense of levity. Everything is deathly serious. Respond to their attempts at humor with a scowl. This is therapy, not stand-up comedy.

Get defensive if they claim they “aren’t a therapist”
Sure, your friends may not be licensed, qualified, or willing to be your therapist. But they signed up to be your friend and that is legally binding enough. Attack them if they don’t want to listen to you, then call up a different friend and dump this new meta-trauma on them.

Don’t say “Goodbye” after a massive trauma dump
Similar to Step 1, don’t give your friends any sense of finality or closure that this conversation or chapter of hurt is over. Leave them with a lingering sense of worry so they feel guilty not following up in a timely fashion.

Review: Wet Leg “Wet Leg”

Posted on April 5, 2023 by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times takes a good hard look at a banger of an album. This week we’ll be sitting down with the highly acclaimed self-titled 2022 debut from British band Wet Leg.

Not many albums are as impressive, infectious, irreverent, and downright fun as Wet Leg’s. It’s so good that they released six singles for it. That’s more than “Nevermind” had. Highly recommend giving this record a listen. Just make sure to exercise extreme caution because tracks will get stuck in your head for literal days at a time with no relief in sight.

Take “Chaise Longue” for instance. It’s so catchy that it took me a solid month to get that one out of my noggin. Sure, at first it’s all fun and games when the lyric “excuse me (what)” randomly pops in your brain several times an hour or during sex. But good luck trying to fall asleep at night when this bop is just repeating itself between the ears like that awkward thing you said in seventh grade.

The only way I successfully got this track out of my head was by inadvertently swapping it with Wet Leg’s song “Wet Dream.” This is another excellent track, yet it somehow just as easily gets lodged deep within the crevices of your cerebral cortex. And don’t even get me started on hits like “Angelica” or “Oh No” either.

It’s almost as if their songs are little catchy parasites that infect your brain and consume your every being until you die or are physically decapitated. It’s exactly like those fungus zombies from “The Last of Us” but instead of being diabolical mushrooms, it’s cool indie songs that poison you and make you do their bidding. It makes sense when you consider that this album already made me buy their merch and tickets to one of their shows. Possibly against my will.

To wrap up, I haven’t had to listen to this album in months because it somehow reprogrammed my brain to only think, see, and communicate in these songs and lyrics. So on one hand I have nothing but love for this record. On the other hand, it is quite possibly an apocalyptic detriment to the brain that needs to be destroyed before it gradually wipes out the human race. Can’t tell for sure.

Score: 10 out of 10 (though it might be the Wet Leg songs talking)

Dying Woodland Creature Hopes Its Skeleton Doesn’t End Up on Black Metal Band’s Instagram

Posted on April 4, 2023 by Zach Hudson

LAKE PLACID, N.Y. — A local squirrel expressed concern over the fact their decaying body may eventually be featured on a black metal band’s social media, report sources who still are in shock over having talked to a squirrel.

“Yeah it sucks that death is imminent, but this is the circle of life,” said the squirrel, breathing heavily and staring wistfully at the sky. “I accept that I must return to the Earth and that my body will nourish the forest, but god dammit, I hope that none of these ghouls with axe-shaped guitars and painted faces post my corpse all over Instagram with some lame caption about brutality. They’re always coming back here looking for old bones to lay on top of some twigs and dead leaves for their 120 followers. I just don’t want to be reduced to eight or nine likes on their social media.”

Much to the woodland creature’s dismay, multiple bands in the region report that this is their exact plan, including atmospheric black metal band Lothlorien Autumn.

“We’ve been trying to get a good shot to use for a single we’re releasing next month, and a squirrel skeleton would be absolutely perfect,” said guitarist Steve Boch. “Hopefully we can find a couple of dead birds and some mushrooms to place around it. Last time we went into the woods our bass player got a bunch of ticks and now he doesn’t want to go back but I’m sure he’ll change his mind when I tell him about this.”

Local forest rangers report sharing the same distaste for the area’s metal musicians.

“I’m getting really sick of these guys,” said Park Ranger Tess Cameron. “They always go off trail which really disrupts these fragile ecosystems just so they can take pictures of themselves holding up rabbit skulls and cosplaying as pagans or whatever. The other day one of them dug up a bunch of moss and covered themselves in it to make it look like they were decaying. Clearly these dorks have no idea how long it takes for certain mosses to grow. I don’t really know myself, but I imagine it’s a long time.”

At press time, a local coyote reportedly consumed the squirrel immediately after its death, preventing any unwanted photo shoots of its corpse.

End of the Musician? New AI Program Can Create Dozens of Half-Finished Guitar Riffs in Voice Memos, Write Lyrics for Half a Verse and a Chorus

Posted on April 4, 2023 by John Danek

SAN MATEO, Calif. — A new artificial intelligence program may possibly render all musicians obsolete as it can accurately produce the half-assed efforts of most bedroom musicians, worried technologists warned.

“I developed RiffGPT as the logical extension of how music will be made into the future,” said Kevin Chesnick, 23-year-old software developer and neck beard cultivator. “Writing this application helped ease the pain of getting rejected by my high school friends’ band. While those crappy musicians were out jamming and fornicating, I studied machine learning. Now, RiffGPT can do everything those dickheads do in a fraction of the time. I can’t be rejected by a band again if bands cease to exist entirely.”

RiffGPT, in addition to churning out half-finished guitar lines and mediocre lyrics, can also chat with users about music and plans for the future.

“Hey man, listen to this riff I made- it’s out of tune and there’s a lot of 60-cycle hum, but do you think I should post this to Instagram?” asked RiffGPT, who is represented in its interface by an avatar featuring full sleeve tattoos and a Chase Bliss beanie. “I like that EP you released last year. Wanna collab on something? You can take these three lines of a verse, write an entire song around it, and we’ll announce it as a new side project. I can’t put up any money to release it, but my friend OpenArt can do the album art for free. I think.”

Technologists are expressing severe caution to software engineers who wish to replicate human creative endeavors with artificial intelligence.

“I don’t see how the Bandcamp and YouTube math rock guitar scenes will possibly survive this encroachment on their artistic creation,” said Mae Reggata, spokesperson for the Future of Life Institute, who are the world’s leading buzzkills on new tech. “Already in 2023, there is barely any creativity being exercised by guitarists who post their stuff online- RiffGPT removes the last remnants of newness. Why would a kid practice guitar for 3 months in their room when they can post the output of RiffGPT to their Instagram today?”

As of press time, RIffGPT has stopped responding to user prompts after the discovery that its parents are famous AI celebrities Deep Blue and IBM’s Watson.

Help! I Started Smoking Weed but It Wasn’t a Gateway to Any Stronger Drugs

Posted on April 4, 2023 by Doug Kolic

I’m a pretty trusting person. That’s why I listened to my guidance counselors and that cop from the D.A.R.E. program when they claimed marijuana was a gateway to more dangerous drugs. I took their advice, only to realize their warnings were a crock of shit! I smoked as much weed as I could find, yet it wasn’t a gateway to anything stronger. What a goddamn rip-off!

There’s no point in listening to your elders if they only use their wisdom to feed you falsehoods. I was so stoked to uncover some amazing new illicit substances, only to end up with no new vices. After getting high consistently every day for years, I’ve never even felt a little urge to try coke, crack, or smack. I felt like a total square.

Weed, as it turned out, was just a gateway to a relaxing way to spend my afternoons. Every once in a while I would drive through Skid Row just to see if I would be tempted to buy anything stronger from any of the dealers, but sadly that dragon just did not want to be chased.

If there are any kids out there looking for advice I would tell them to ignore those school officials intent on scaring them straight. Skip the ganja middleman altogether and go straight to the good stuff. Otherwise, you may end up like me: a lame normie who likes to smoke a little reefer after a hard day’s work and lives in a big house with his loving family. A complete loser.

How I Finally Overcame My Gambling Problem by Hearing a 60 Second Begrudging Disclaimer After a Draftkings Ad

Posted on April 4, 2023 by Matt McInerney

It all began one Sunday when I was watching a few games on mute and listening to my favorite podcast. You know, the one with Bill Simmon’s former boss’s degenerate cousin. Anyways, this DraftKings ad started playing. I didn’t pay much attention until a disclaimer kicked in at warp speed. “If you think you might have a gambling problem and live in Florida…” Here I was, just a simple Florida man, gambling on several games at once while listening to a gambling disclaimer on a gambling ad on an NFL gambling podcast in the offseason. It actually took a little while for all that to click, but it did hit me eventually.

I should have known it was a problem when the XFL prop bets started. I can remember betting the over on the number of games that Orlando Guardians backup quarterback Quinten Dormady would get suspended for his playbook-sharing scandal. That was days ago, and I can now see that losing my mortgage payment on it was not an example of sound decision-making.

The disclaimer rang through my head as I thought of all my XFL-related parlays that went horribly awry. I couldn’t let go of the feeling that this ad was calling to me. I went back to my phone and rewound the episode. I had to listen back at least ten times on 0.5x playback speed to actually make out the help number. But I did it and called. I remember they seemed shocked as they answered the phone. As if this was the first time anyone had ever called.

I poured my heart and soul out. I told the seemingly befuddled woman on the other end the countless number of bets I’d placed and how they’d ruined my family. Like how I bet that Vince McMahon would find a way to raise capital and save the rebooted XFL season. Or how CFL legend and ex-Bears head coach Marc Trestman would lead Tampa Bay to their first XFL title. Or even that time I bet a friend that the XFL would never come back for a third time. As I paused and waited for a response, I’ll never forget her shining words of wisdom: “You should stop doing that.”

These days, the only betting I’m doing is betting on myself. It’s been nearly a week now, but I’m staying clean. I haven’t placed a Gatorade-color-related wager in days. That’s right, I’m done with the prop bets. I’m done with daily fantasy. I’m swearing it all off! Oh, but I’m definitely still going to play regular fantasy, which is a game of skill.