15 Reasons I Stopped Going Through My Boyfriend’s Phone That Have Nothing To Do With Him Changing His Passcode

Posted on by Dom Turek

It’s never okay to go through your partner’s phone unless you have concrete evidence of infidelity, like seeing he randomly started streaming “The O.C.” or having a dream he cheated on you.

Here are 15 reasons not to invade your partner’s privacy that have absolutely nothing to do with the fact I’m locked out of his phone for the next seven hours due to incorrect password entries.

1. It can quickly become an obsessive habit

A harmless habit can quickly escalate into a full-blown obsession that runs on nothing but adrenaline and muscle memory. One day you’re casually lurking on his Instagram and the next you’re a low-level cryptanalyst trying to figure out how to replicate his fingerprint so you can check if he re-downloaded Tinder.

2. He started bringing his phone into the bathroom with him

He used to leave his phone on the bed when he went to the bathroom, which gave me just enough time to check his DMs, texts, and deleted voicemails before placing the phone back where I found it and pretending to be asleep, but that was back in our honeymoon phase.

3. It makes you look insecure

Nothing turns a man off more than an insecure woman. Well, that and telling them you’ll jump out of a moving vehicle unless they prove they weren’t using WhatsApp to message that ex from his hometown you know he’s still in love with.

4. It’s an Invasion of property

Just because he’s 38 and his mom still pays his phone bill doesn’t make it any less his property, however, the iPad you bought him for Christmas last year is technically yours, so feel free to bust it out while he’s at work and try different passcodes until you fry the mainframe.

5. It’s a dishonorable way of obtaining information

How you glean information has the potential to undermine the information you find. Imagine everyone congratulating you for saving a stray kitten you found in an alleyway, but later everyone finds out you were only in that alleyway to buy crack. Context is everything.

6. His phone is dead and you can’t find the charger

I bought him an extra charger to keep by the bed to avoid this exact scenario, but he probably left it at his secret girlfriend’s house. A dead phone is a great opportunity to practice self-control, that is unless you live close to an Apple store and can juice up over there.

7. Don’t let the pain from past relationships affect new ones

Don’t take out pain, trauma, or resentments from past relationships on your new partner. It’s not fair. After all, that’s what excessive masturbating, binge drinking, and abusing waitstaff are for.

8. You’ll feel guilty afterward

Guilt is shame’s less sexy cousin and should be avoided at all costs. Fortunately, I have a condition that prevents me from feeling guilty, but I hear it’s like some kind of negative self-evaluation that causes stomachaches and diarrhea.

9. Snooping fosters secrecy and distrust

You run the risk of creating a distrustful environment by going through someone’s possessions, which can lead to your partner becoming more secretive around you, and eventually cause them to change their passcode to something more complex than “6969.”

10. It exacerbates communication issues

Lack of communication is relationship kryptonite. Listening is the backbone of effective communication, and it’s also a great way to appear interested and understanding while quietly gathering information and waiting for them to slip up and accidentally incriminate themselves.

11. You can just go through his computer instead

There’s more than one way to skin a cat, and the same goes for spying on your boyfriend. Why go through his phone when the real meat and potatoes of his infidelities are on his computer? That’s like going fishing in a swimming pool when you live next to the ocean.

12. If you go looking for something, you’ll find it

The mind is a powerful tool that can turn even the most benign text message or email into “evidence” that he’s cheating on you. The mind is also a powerful tool that can generate and test over 700 permutations of his previous passcode ‘420420.’

13. Your partner is allowed to be independent

Experts say you don’t have to know everything about someone to love them, but experts also used to say cigarettes were good for you. Providing he lets me know what he’s doing and who he’s talking to at any given moment, I’m happy to give him all the independence he needs.

14. Know your strengths

Obtain so much blackmail on your partner they know betraying you would mean certain death. Maybe cheating on you means his company finds out about his payroll fraud. Maybe it doesn’t. Let him decide if this is a game he wants to play.

15. The phone is now permanently disabled and must be reset to factory settings

You have exceeded the number of incorrect passcode entries and his phone is rendered useless. Your partner has ended the relationship and is giving you one week to find new housing arrangements. Are these really the actions of an innocent man with nothing to hide? It just goes to show you can’t trust anyone.

Every From First to Last Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

We’re ranking the five studio albums From First to Last from almost last to almost first. Basically, Skrillex + Periphery + D.R.U.G.S. + IBS over the counter pills = From First To Last is a formula for mid-aughts success with sprinkles of victories in the 2010s. Formed in the late-90s, Tampa, Florida’s FFTL is and was a group of Florida Men but not the literal Florida Man that you can read about with a Google search; one fun fact to note is that if you do such with your birthday, you will likely read a headline like “Florida Man Brings A Rocket Launcher On A Flight.” We don’t make the rules, just the ranks. Anyway, despite what you toolboxes think, FFTL has more than one song and album, and your “wit” is crop dusting us. 

5. Self-Titled (2008)

This major label album debut, which was FFTL’s first of one, and self-titled effort was meh and sadly world’s away from its two predecessors. Admittedly, Matt Good is a solid singer, but he had large AF shoes to fill, and that’s an understatement, as the new lead vocalist once Marshmello unceremoniously got the boot as the frontman, but the band would’ve been better off releasing its follow-up, no matter how long it took to record, and scrapping this one. Furthermore, this version of From First to Last should never have performed on the main stage of Warped Tour the year that this record came out, and such posit is clear from the crowd’s general apathy and the band’s ok performances themselves on said stage. Oh well, we all turn back to dust anyway.  

Play it again: “Two As One”
Skip it: Sadly but truthfully, most of it; sorry not sorry but kinda sorry

4. Throne to the Wolves (2010)

How can you not like an album with a song called “Going Lohan”? You, me and the significant others will universally agree regarding such unless you don’t. After From First to Last left Suretone/Interscope Records, they signed with Rise Records, then home to other mall screamo/post-hardcore peers In Fear and Faith, The Color Morale, Sleeping With Sirens, and Robert Johnson, and released “Throne to the Wolves” to more than solid reviews but not enough sales to make a dent anywhere. Pity, as this record is FFTL’s second most underrated album, and deserves your attention, Elvis’, love from the cast of the movie “The Little Rascals” sans Bug Hall, and King Joffrey I Baratheon’s personal pardon that doesn’t include blood, sperm, sadism, and an extremely punchable face. 

Play it again: “Going Lohan”
Skip it: Going Amanda Bynes and several other tracks here

3. Dead Trees (2015)

After a short hiatus, From First to Last regrouped in 2013 as a SIX-PIECE, yes, a six-piece, with new vocalist Spencer Sotelo from the musical hacks known as Periphery, and signed with Sumerian Records, then home to, uh, Periphery, Asking Alexandria, Veil of Maya, and indie darling Adele, and released one of the more slept on mid-2010s record known as “Dead Trees”. First of all, it showcased tight AF musicianship and jaw-dropping vocals. Second of all, its last three bonus tracks, “Note To Self,” “Ride The Wings of Pestilence,” “The Latest Plague,” and bonus hidden gem, Melissa (Lou; yes, Lou) Etheridge’s “Come to My Window,” showed this album’s small gaggle of listeners that the group was incredible at covering their own material with a healthy blend of nostalgia and then modern production.

Play it again: The three new school recordings of old school FFTL songs
Skip it: Some of the middle and closing tracks before #12 

2. Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Has a Bodycount (2004)

Even though you all are going to state on record with ultimatums for egos and bible in your hands and lies in your hearts that the band’s debut EP “Aesthetic” is what brought you here, we know that you’re lying through your teeth and that the band’s debut, and long in an unintentionally comedic way, titled full-length album, and first of two for Epitaph Records, “Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Has a Bodycount” was your gateway drug to From First to Last. This album definitely got the band to the point of a slot on HUGE tours, and FFTL was second of five on 2006’s “The Black Clouds And Underdogs Tour” with hip-hoppers Fall Out Boy, doo-woppers The All-American Rejects, classical guitarists Hawthorne Heights, and metalcore platinum rocker Kylie Kristen “I’m Not A True Kardashian or Minogue.” In closing, Emily’s smiles and laughter helped catapult this LP.

Play it again: “Ride The Wings Of Pestilence”
Skip it: “Populace In Two”

1. Heroine (2006)

“Heroine,” From First to Last’s second and last for Epitaph Records, then home to Matchbook Romance, Escape the Fate, I Am Ghost, and Chumbawamba, was a heavy music fan’s wet dream simply because of the fact that it was produced by nu-metal savant Ross Robinson, who also worked on Korn’s self-titled LP, Wes Borland’s band’s debut “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all,” At the Drive-In’s masterpiece “Relationship of Command,” and Boston’s underground math-rock bible “Boston.” Sadly, this one is Sonny Moore’s last full-length as the band’s lead vocalist, but happily, the band recently released two singles, the minor-hit track “Make War,” and a cover of Cheap Trick’s “Surrender” in bossa nova style. In closing, “Heroine” is FFTL’s best selling album and we back said fact to the crows, your mother, the latest attraction, and mall vending machine Dippin’ Dots.

Play it again: “Mothersound” and eight to nine other songs on this gem of an LP for you and me to be free like the sea
Skip it: “Waltz Moore”



Morrissey’s Evil Twin Actually Very Cool

Posted on by Tim Graham

MANCHESTER, England — Singer Morrissey’s so-called “evil” identical twin Montgomery is by all accounts a kind, well-liked bloke, according to jolly, red-faced sources at his local pub.

“I’m a simple family man living a quiet, contented life of service and gratitude,” said Montgomery while wrapping toys for an orphanage. “On a typical day I’ll put in my hours at the chip shop, then home for supper with the family. Some nights I pop over to the pub, have a pint or two with me mates. I don’t know why my twin has said such dreadful things about me. Sadly, he doesn’t seem to be a very happy man, despite the money and success. I’ve extended the olive branch in the past, but he wouldn’t come ‘round to mine ‘cos we cook meat in the house on occasion.”

Moz’ former bandmate Johnny Marr insists that Montgomery has been unfairly slandered by his famous twin.

“I’ve been great pals with Monty for ages now,” said Marr as he put the final stitches in what appeared to be a Morrissey voodoo doll. “He and I are in a darts league together. What a sweet fellow! Couldn’t be more different from that bell end Steven. Monty’s quite the poet, as well. In fact, his poems would often get much more acclaim than Steven’s in school. That’s probably where the seeds of this silly one-sided rivalry began. What’s more, Monty’s got a great set of pipes. The pub erupts in applause whenever he and I get up to do some old Smiths numbers.”

Cultural anthropologist Edgar Wickersham says that the “evil twin” cliche is often a mischaracterization made by an insecure, jealous family member.

“The phenomenon of a successful public figure casting aspersions at their twin is somewhat common,” said Wickersham. “Famous people are often quite competitive and will attempt to strike down anyone in their circle who appears to be doing well. Consider the case of Russell Brand’s allegedly ‘evil’ twin Gary, who is in fact a faithful, conscientious family man. Alex Jones’ twin Dwight is often maligned by the notorious conspiracy theorist, but Dwight Jones is a lawyer who does pro-bono work for the Innocence Project and fosters kittens.”

At press time, Morrissey had taken out a full-page ad in the Manchester Evening News decrying his “wicked and nefarious” twin after Montgomery was photographed volunteering at a soup kitchen over the holidays.

Every Big Bang Theory Character Ranked Randomly, We Tried To Watch It, We Just Couldn’t Do It

Posted on by Dan Rice

Like many Americans, we’re behind on our clickbait quota, and our mom has been on our case to watch “The Big Theory.” We figured we would kill two birds with one stone. We would finally watch the show mom swears we’ll love so we have something to talk about at Thanksgiving besides whose died in our hometown this year, and then do a ranking of all the characters. “What could go wrong?” We literally asked that out loud to ourselves, such was our hubris.

Holy bazinga this show is bad. Are we using that right? We really wouldn’t know, because two and a half random episodes of this even-by-Chuck_Lorre-standards drivel of a show is all we could sit through. There are twelve seasons of this? How?! Well, we’ve gotten used to disappointing our mom, but not our editor, so as promised, here are the characters of “The Big Bang Theory” ranked by closing our eyes and shuffling the names around on a spreadsheet.

35. Eric Gablehauser

Coming in dead last is Dr. Eric Gablehauser because let’s face it, that’s where we placed him randomly with our eyes closed. According to the fan Wiki, he’s the main character’s mean boss, so maybe fans would agree? It’s hard to say but if we’re accidentally right, hey, we’ll take it!

34. V.M. Koothrappali

He’s Raj’s Dad, and that’s about all the fan sites have to say about him, so it’s probably fine that he’s ranked so low. Oh my god, are we nailing this? I think we are. We can’t wait to ignore all the “Big Bang Theory” Reddit boards when they discuss these rankings and then go to sleep alone.

33. Stephanie Barnett

This is a direct quote from the fan wiki—”Stephanie’s primary role in the show is being Leonard’s girlfriend.” Kind of highlights a lot of the reasons we could not get into this show.

32. Beverly Hofstadter

We know what you Big Bang heads must be thinking—”How can you rank Leonard’s neuroscientist Mom so low on the list?!” The answer is we essentially pulled these out of a hat, and we’re having trouble recollecting which one Leonard is.

31. Mrs. Koothrappali

We didn’t catch an episode with her in it, but we’re willing to bet Chuck Lorre’s 2D caricature of an Indian mom makes every “Dharma and Greg” character seem as flushed out and complex as Tony Soprano.

30. Mary Cooper

Oh, Sheldon’s mom is a born-again Christian? I bet that’s funny for like, one beat, and then joylessly played over again and again for 12 years.

29. President Siebert

Actually, this is the one deliberate ranking on this list. That’s right, we at the Hard Times believe President Siebert belongs at exactly #29 on this list, and it’s a hill we WILL die on. You hear me Siebert-heads?! Siebert nation, stand down and don’t @ us!

28. Halley Wolowitz

Halley is a child. We have no idea what she adds to the show. Let’s just move this along.

27. Dave Gibbs

According to Wikipedia he’s a founding member of the Boston power-pop band Giglo Aunts. That can’t be right. This character looks like someone familiar, someone important to the world of pop culture who might have created a decent sitcom.

26. Richard Williams

I guess someone’s boss is like an Air Force guy? Like in “I Dream of Jeannie?” Honestly, that’s the move. If your show is going to be this cookie-cutter and lazy just go all the way and throw in a sex genie.

25. Wyatt

At first, the Wyatt storyline was an intriguing part of the show’s cerebral hook, but like many of its early mysterious yet promising elements it didn’t materialize into much with the latter seasons and ultimately doomed the show. Wait, no, that was “Westworld.” What are we doing again?

24. Penny

The fan wiki says she’s the primary female character of the series, an attractive person who is married to a nerd! Can you believe it!? Oh, you can? Commonplace for decades you say? Both in real life and popular media? Hmm. The wiki also lists her IQ as 100. Wow. Just… god, fuck this thing.

23. Kurt

Okay going off just his picture I’m guessing he’s supposed to be the dumb bully. Let’s check the fan wiki and see how I did: “A muscular, but not very educated man, Kurt is arrogant and condescending toward the likes of Leonard and Sheldon.” You could probably write this whole episode with no additional information and your script would be like 80% right.

22. Janine Davis

She’s Caltech’s HR manager who enforces political correctness. “Boo, hiss, bazinga!” (cue laugh track.)

21. Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz

Bernadette is one of the main characters and a microbiologist, so she is presumably very smart. I say presumably because her fan wiki page does not list her IQ, which is odd. After all, it does that for all of the male main characters and the other female lead, which again is exactly 100.  Does this speak volumes about the attitude of this show and its fanbase? Who’s to say? Those are just the facts.

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Jay Weinberg Booted From Slipknot After Lying About Ability to Hook Up Band with Springsteen Tickets

Posted on by Ben Friedman

SIOUX CITY, Iowa — Slipknot announced they parted ways with drummer Jay Weinberg after it was revealed that he exaggerated his ability to use his father’s connections to procure Springsteen tickets, the band’s reps confirmed.

“I didn’t think this lie would come back to bite me on the ass, but after almost ten years in the band they were bound to find out that I can’t actually score Bruce tickets whenever I see fit, let alone nine of them. I just told them I had connections when I was auditioning as a ‘perk’ of letting me in! In reality, most of the time I went to a show I was just my dad’s plus one,” said Weinberg. “But the guys just kept nagging me every time Bruce and the band would go on tour, and I could only blame Ticketmaster for so long before they discovered my ruse.”

Lead singer Corey Taylor said the decision to kick Weinberg out of the band was swift and unanimous.

“It’s one thing to lie, but it’s another thing to string me along thinking that I’m eventually going to see Bruce play ‘Spirit in the Night’ live when in fact the only times he ever hung out with Bruce was at his goddam horse ranch,” said Taylor. “I always thought ‘Iowa’ and ‘Nebraska’ were companion albums, and the band pitched having the E Street Band to play KnotFest with us on six different occasions, but Jay would always come back with some excuse about Bruce needing a break from touring which we all know is bullshit. That dude is a machine. So yeah, he’s leaving the band due to creative differences in that he needs to be more creative about having actual connections.”

Despite the discourse within the band, Bruce Springsteen himself was surprised his name even came up.

“Hang on, Jay was in Slipknot? I thought he was in a jazz quartet or something, at least that’s what he told Max,” said Springsteen. “Well if I can be honest, I don’t know why he’d say they could come to one of our shows when everyone knows I’m way more into ICP. He’s seen how much Faygo I consume. Shaggy, Violent J, those guys have a standing invitation to any show I perform, and I’d love it if they let me wrestle with them a little. Come on Jay, get it together.”

Band reps have also reported Weinberg is attempting a possible reconciliation with the band after proposing he could possibly get Conan O’Brien to hang out with them backstage next week.

Photo by Kaanislek.

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Catholic Church Unveils Limited-Edition Berry Blast Eucharist

Posted on by J. Taylor Lee

VATICAN CITY – The Roman Catholic Church recently unveiled a new limited-edition Berry Blast flavor for the Holy Sacrament of Communion, sources at the Vatican confirmed.

“The Church of Rome has long been beset by an ever decreasing number of youthful congregants,” said Pope Francis in his weekly Angelus address. “But we pray that this delicious new Eucharist will endear us to younger generations. Please trust that our ends are neither nefarious nor perverse. We simply desire for new worshipers to enter our doors, such that we may convince them that ours is the only Church with a path towards salvation, and that to deviate even in the slightest from our teachings is to damn oneself to everlasting hellfire. And that a very tasty snack may entice them to do all this. You know, pretty standard stuff.”

Catholics around the world voiced support for the new culinary improvements.

“I think this is the most exciting thing to come out of the Church since the Second Vatican Council,” said Daniel Denton, a Millennial Catholic who attends Mass regularly. “Don’t get me wrong: I love the Holy Sacrament, but I’ve always said the Body of Christ was a little bland. Like, let me at least get a side of ranch. But this new flavor? So delicious. I’ve been going to Mass eight or nine times a week just to get another taste. I heard they’re going to do more flavors, too. Cheesy Nacho, Flamin’ Hot, Wintermint. Maybe even a PRIME Crossover or something. Now if the Church would just put this flavor out as a vape juice – man, I’m literally salivating right now.”

Katrina Cutrera, Senior VP of Marketing at the Vatican, noted that the Church’s announcement is the culmination of months of preparation.

“We spent considerable sums on market research to develop the perfect flavor and texture. After many weeks of trial and error, we finally settled on this unique gummy consistency, accented by Holy Flavor Crystals,” said Cutrera. “And in support of this new flavor roll-out, we will also be launching a web-based ad campaign. We actually just finished shooting our first commercial. It’s a take on those Trix ads, except instead of cereal, it’s the Body of Christ, and instead of adults trying to get a hold of the delicious treat, it’s Baptists.”

At press time, a contingent of church goers was forming outside the Vatican to protest the new flavor, claiming that, if anything, Jesus was lemon-lime.

A Diva Cup For Men? This Guy Is Peeing In A Jar By His Bed

Posted on by Rose Vineshank

These days, it’s so hard to find a product that works for MY body. There are many goods catered to the woman on the go, but what about the bro on the no-go? What about the gamers of the world who can’t afford to tear themselves away from the screen for even a second? Or the common crust punk, who needs to spend no less than three consecutive days on a floor mattress for something he calls “sweaty-shakey-no-fun time.” If you relate to any of these descriptions, you gotta try peeing in a jar by your bed.

I was like you once, the guy who doesn’t pee in a jar by his bed. If I could go back and talk to my old self I’d say “urine for a real treat.” Gone are the days when “society” forces you to drag yourself all the way down the hallway, past your judgmental roommate Steven, all to do something you’re gonna do again anyway in 5-7 business days. Over are the nights where nosey, incredulous Steven asks “hey did you spray motor oil or like, Coke Zero or something on the toilet seat?” It’s none of your business Steven, YOU go see a doctor!

Now you’re probably wondering a question I get asked a lot: how do you find the right urine jar to accommodate your needs? If you’re like me and you have a heavy, tar-like flow that sometimes burns a hole in the floor, finding the right jar can be, well, jarring! Thankfully, those of us in the lifestyle understand that “piss jar” is a social construct. Your roommate’s coffee mug can be a piss jar. Your grandpa’s urn can be a piss jar. The side of your leg can be a piss jar. The real question is, how committed are you to freedom?

Ever since I started peeing in a jar by my bed, my confidence has been through the roof. I’m pretty sure that’s why Sylvia Plath wrote a poem about it or something. The thing is, once you break out of the matrix, you begin questioning all the rules. Did you know that you can replace water with Mountain Dew and it has no health consequences whatsoever? Once you expand your mind, you realize all those warnings from your doctor, friends, and family were just holding you back. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got a date with sweaty-shakey-no-fun time.

Every The Ataris Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Hey kid, The Ataris are Kris Roe, and Kris Roe is The Ataris; you should let it go like The Lion King’s hyena Elsa if you even think about providing a counterargument. Anyway, former Anderson, Indiana resident, home of the headquarters of the Church of God, the Gruenewald House, the Paramount Theatre, and a bunch of Reggie Miller murals, Mr. Roe, formed The Ataris in 1996, and moved to the ugly city of Santa Barbara, California, down on Haley, Haley Street, just one year later, signed to two-fourths of The Vandals’ Kung Fu Records, and released their debut studio album “Anywhere but Here” to underground acclaim. Even though the band is one of the more successful pop-punk bands, they are quite underappreciated in the genre’s lexicon, and the royals known as Man Overboard should publicly vouch for this band’s inclusion in their defensive military that is always guard from their cruddy hometowns. 

5. Welcome the Night (2007)

Overall, we’re not capable of loving this one, in any kind of “love.” Still, “Welcome the Night” shouldn’t have been as panned by all parties as it first was when released. Basically, it’s not anything more than “good,” which sadly is the bitter enemy of “great,” and on that note, Kris Roe sounds VERY, very bitter here. Also, one album had to be listed last, and none of the other four studio albums, as compilation/laserdisc albums don’t count here, belonged in this dreaded ranking position. If you want to hear the sound of a formerly major label pop-punk band listening to a lot of The Smashing Pumpkins and general scowling, check out “Welcome the Night”. Surprisingly to all but the Omaha Symphony, the band became a seven-piece unit around the time of this record, and we’re still scratching our domes about that one.

Play it again: “Not Capable of Love”
Skip it: “Far from the Last, Last Call” 

4. …Anywhere but Here (1997)

Let’s count right into the fourth position at an abnormally high BPM here by saying that the word “Tongue” is not spelled “Tounge,” which isn’t for anyone but Gene “I Say Dumb Things On The Interweb” Simmons, so whomever uploaded said incorrectly typed word to DSPs for The Ataris’ debut “…Anywhere but Here” studio album should be left alone in Santa Cruz forever, be blinded by unkind crust punks/nerds with bleach, left questioning whether they are here or there for a millennium, and ashamed of themselves for the duration of their sick lives. Still, ellipses are cool, and a revisit of this 1997 LP took us back to said year, which also was when the like-minded blink-182 released “Dude Ranch,” Pennywise came out with “Full Circle,” Green Day put “Nimrod” out there, and Janet Jackson launched the Fat Mike endorsed “The Velvet Rope” to the masses.

Play it again: “Make It Last”
Skip it: “Sleepy”

3. Blue Skies, Broken Hearts…Next 12 Exits (1999)

You’re better off without your boyfriend or the endearing, youthful, gangster, and racially tolerant character Calogero from “A Bronx Tale” but not its now disgraced actor Lillo “I Pissed Myself On ‘The Sopranos’” Brancato, as Mr. Brancato’s sordid tale, which can be read via a Google search, is forever breaking our hearts; life makes no sense sometimes. The Ataris’ sophomore LP, “Blue Skies, Broken Hearts…Next 12 Exits” contains the debut of one of the more revered songs in the band’s catalog, “I Won’t Spend Another Night Alone Or Any More Money On Rings, Broken Promises, Hotels Pricier Than A Super Eight, Or TurboGrafx-16 Games Not Named ‘Bonk’s Adventure.’” This is the first album from The Ataris to contain very little filler and the one-two-three-four-five punch from tracks one through five could’ve been an EP that would have been in a top five pop-punk extended plays of all time!

Play it again: “Your Boyfriend Sucks”
Skip it: “Answers”

2. End Is Forever (2001)

This #2 slot is not only the silver medalist for The Ataris’ catalog, but it is their best-recorded record at the time, regardless of your dumb take on its two predecessors. Honestly, our gold medal LP depends on the day of the week, but “So Long, Astoria” wins at least 87% of the time, and certainly does on this cold day in the fall of 2023. You’re not punk, so we’d like to give props to the band for a Jawbreaker reference, a Descendents and not the 2011 critically acclaimed movie with George “Not Amal” Clooney, Shailene “I Survived Both ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ and Aaron Rodgers” Woodley, Matthew “The Best Part of ‘Scream’” Lillard, and Beau “I Am Not Lloyd or Jeff Bridges but I Played the Dad in ‘Sidekicks.’” and a Contra reference. 

Play it again: Beginning to end (and forever keep doing such)
Skip it: We will find you, you angry nerds, you, if you skip a second of this LP

1. So Long, Astoria (2003)

Punk fans typically hate a revered and formerly indie act’s major label debut, but we can’t justify said outlook here, and back this record’s ranking with all of our being, as all you plebs can ever learn is what you already know. The three band members not named Roe on this release include Mike “Michael” Davenport on bass, John “ny” Collura on lead guitar, and Chris “Not Kris” Knapp on drums. Respect. We also want to give thanks to the current three members of The Ataris as of this date in 2023 not called Kris: Dustin “Phillip” Phillips on drums, Dale “Not Chip or Richard” Nixon on lead guitar, and Danny “Says” Duke on bass. Props. Like its former, we cannot justify omitting a single song on “So Long, Astoria” from a front to back listen. Bite us, Jerry Garcia.

Play it again: Astoria, Queens
Skip it: Any other Astoria

John Darnielle Reveals Syllabus For Upcoming Album

Posted on by Ryan Sims

DURHAM, N.C. – John Darnielle, lead singer of The Mountain Goats, revealed the academic syllabus for the band’s new album “Jenny From Thebes,” leaving many fans feeling nervous about the upcoming release.

“If you do the readings, you have nothing to worry about,” Darnielle said while grading papers in the greenroom. “I don’t think I’m asking too much here. It’s just a few chapters on the archaic and classical periods of Thebes. Then we’ll get into Zeus, Dionysius, Apollo, and all those guys. Also, it’s important to have a topographical understanding of West Texas, or the B-side isn’t gonna make much sense. Textbooks are available at the merch stand. I’m warning everyone now: if I see any peeking at Genius lyrics during the show, it’s an automatic zero.”

One concertgoer was seen cramming for the concert while waiting outside the venue.

“Shit. Shit, dude, I didn’t study at all. I’m so fucked,” said longtime fan Alex Rosenberg, frantically scrolling through The Mountain Goats online wiki. “I’ve been on the verge of failing ever since I wrote that awful essay on Chavo Guerro. If I do bad here, I’ll have to go back to liking Neutral Milk Hotel. I can’t do that to myself again. Do you know if he’s playing ‘No Children’ tonight? I haven’t had a chance to brush up on Florida divorce law. Oh, god, I’m gonna look like a total asshole out there. Why does John do this?”

Peter Hughes, bassist and teaching assistant for the band, elaborated on Darnielle’s pedagogical methods.

“He’s tough but fair,” Hughes shrugged. “Be ready during the solo set, because he likes to call on people. John can tell who hasn’t been doing the readings. A lot of fans will tell you they only like the early stuff–that’s because they couldn’t keep up with the coursework. One time after the show, a fan came up to him asking for extra credit, and John looked him straight in the eyes and grilled him on Chino, California. It wasn’t pretty.”

At press time, Darnielle excitedly announced the album’s liner notes would be in ancient Greek.

The Top 20 Björk Songs to Whisper at Strangers in the Library

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

It’s an everyday dilemma: you have access to so many portals beyond our realm, but have no one to share it with. It’s a beautiful day to steal liquid LSD from your roommate while neglecting your own meds and basic needs. Let’s head on over to the library and whisper Björk lyrics to strangers! This is an ensured way to find a magical gate out of this reality’s dreadful timeline.

“Headphones”

You enter through the side entrance quickly, with headphones on. Being discreet is recommended since you’ve been kicked out of the library many times. Ignore any security guards as you skip along. No time to stop and hear them, you’re too busy listening to Björk!

“Fungal City”

Hiss a few of these lyrics as you walk past the information booth. Environmentalism has always been important to Björk, and it’s a significant cause for you as well. This is why you’ve left a trail of soil from the flowers in your hand, plucked from the planters out front.

“Human Behaviour”

You’re officially inside the library when you realize how strong this LSD is. Your hands. Your beautiful, detailed hands. Just look at them! Try to walk how a human walks. Stop giggling. You begin imitating other people that you see. Try to walk without drawing attention to yourself. Throwing books to the floor and giving strangers the middle finger won’t help.

“I See Who You Are”

Saying these lyrics to anyone in any circumstance is pretty creepy, let alone here in the Biography section on a sunny afternoon to a scared family. The confused mother edges away from you as you continue repeating “I see you who you are” into your sleeve. That’s where your secrets are kept!

“Alarm Call”

A push notification comes through on your phone. You missed another job interview. Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out eventually! Keep on borrowing from friends and family while you spend your time whispering Björk’s poetry to strangers in public spaces. That guy in the stairwell had no idea what you meant by “You can’t say no to hope, can’t say no to happiness,” but just keep dancing along and ignore anyone staring!

“Crystalline”

It’s all completely clear now: the way to access a reality beyond our own is in the library janitor’s closet. How obvious. You just need to find an accomplice on this mission! You head to the computer station to find an unwilling partner. It’s best to walk around with sunglasses on and a hooded sweatshirt pulled up, just so people know you’re sent undercover from cosmic powers beyond our understanding.

“Sorrowful Soil”

Go up to the first person you vibe with at the computer station, sit next to them, and offer them the soil you’ve been hiding in your pockets. They’ll love your kind offer. This is actually the best way to open up the magical realm to an Icelandic wonderland. Remember that the magic only works with tears, so tell sad stories from childhood and cry into your dirty fists. You’ll have a new lifelong friend in no time.

“Sun in My Mouth”

At this point, you should be opening your mouth and staring at everyone in the computer station. Let them see how much of the sun you can fit inside! Growl, if you have to. This is a long-standing Icelandic tradition, you tell yourself. Maybe you invented this tactic at home. It doesn’t matter, you’re already here so might as well commit.

“It’s Oh So Quiet”

You are promptly shushed by all around you. Of course, this is a library after all. Sullen, you sink into a computer chair and try an expired library card to log on. You turn to the person next to you, an elderly man trying to access his insurance info since they’ve gone paperless, but all you do is sing “It’s Oh So Quiet” to him in a harsh raspy voice. He quickly leaves, imagining this is some sort of solicitation.

“All Is Full of Love”

Remember that music video with the robots making love? You try to create that with the computer in front of you. An alarmed member of the library staff pulls you off the machine, while also recognizing that you’re not allowed here. You’ve been banned from this library computer station before for inappropriate searches, but you run away in a sloppy, frenetic escape.

“The Gate”

You are the only one who knows the grand secret of the library: those isolated study rooms are gates to other dimensions, ruled by Icelandic mythology where you are no longer severely in debt and actually have sustainable friendships. You quickly usher out the college students studying inside, then quickly hide beneath a desk and gaze at a spider as library staff runs around searching for you.

“History of Touches”

This is a familiar space. You feel safe here. You’ve taken plenty of books, both officially loaned from the library but also stolen in your overcoat. Feel free to get very close to strangers, perhaps whispering directly in their ears, “I wake you up in the middle of the night to express my love for you.” Then run away and hide as books fall out of your clothes.

“I’ve Seen It All”

Run to the second story windows and press your naked body against the glass. Feel the sunlight. If anyone questions you, speak aloud these lyrics from the ‘Dancer in the Dark’ soundtrack. Point them to the library DVD rental section before inviting them on an enchanted journey through a magical distant world. And don’t forget: always smile!

“Earth Intruders”

You look around you, realizing that time is running short for you to enter the portal to magical netherworlds. The spaceship Earth is moving too fast. Of course: everyone around you is an alien. You try to imagine this world as a Martian, hearing alien tongues clack at you as you twist on the carpeted floor. This security guard calling the cops is definitely some kind of alien. Assure the guard, “I have guided my bones through some voltage and love them still.” He’ll know what you mean.

“It’s Not Up To You”

Security begins ushering you out, as you continue to screech Björk lyrics to anyone within earshot. You cling onto one of those tiny sorting carts with wheels, completely useless as you are dragged to the front lobby. If you sneeze in the security guard’s face, that should be enough distraction for you to make a getaway into the study area. Hurry! Time is running out to leave this Earthly dimension!

“Hyperballad”

Now you’re running though the halls, librarians and security on your heels. Share your love of the 1995 album ‘Post’ by muttering these lyrics to everyone in the Young Adult section. Gen X parents will appreciate you exposing their kids to such a cultural experience as you hide in the aisles. Children love these lyrics, especially when you quietly sing to them through the shelves, “I imagine what my body would sound like slamming against those rocks.”

“Where Is The Line”

You wonder to yourself “Where is the line?” as you jet over library shelves, considering hiding in air ducts. You scurry to the romance section, everyone there completely disinterested in assisting you on your quest for a magical realm of Icelandic beauty, a portal surely hiding in the bricks of this library. If there is a “line,” you’ve crossed it and it’s too far to turn back now. Commit to the bit.

“Birthday”

Sure, it’s technically Björk’s old band The Sugarcubes, but you use these lyrics to remind everyone that it’s actually your birthday. All the more reason for everyone to help you! Ignore the police entering the building as you stack wooden chairs and bean bags. Sing to the responding officers, you’re certain they’re fans of the 1980s Reykjavík alt-rock scene.

“Stonemilker”

As police tackle you to the ground, you begin to sing this song to all around you. Ask the officers, “Who is open-chested and who is coagulated?” When they ask for your name, occupation or address, solemnly reply “Stonemilker” to every question. You left your ID at home but don’t worry: there is a centipede in your shirt pocket that will vouch for you.

“Hunter”

They can throw you out today, but you’ll be back. Even though the LSD is wearing off, you know with dead certainty that there’s a magical gate inside of that library. You quietly make your weekend plans to mumble at people in the library parking lot, spreading the good word of Björk. One day, the world will understand.