“A Christmas Story”
This film is a classic for a reason, but it could have been elevated even more into the zeitgeist with a few production changes. Namely, Henry Rollins should have narrated the entire movie. The urgency would have been unmatched and TLC would maybe actually play other content on Christmas Day due to the heavy editing that would have been required.
“The Grinch Who Stole Christmas”
There’s something about imagining Henry Rollins as a Who that brings immediate joy to our otherwise mortifyingly sad lives. Maybe Rollins could have played a gruff older Who that had been to prison. Perhaps there could be a scene in which he espouses his love of the Grinch for having the courage to stand up to capitalism. We may never know how it would have played out, but we do know that a well-placed cameo would have made Jim Carrey’s portrayal of the Grinch far less insufferable.
“The Polar Express”
The Polar Express often receives criticism for its eerie “Uncanny Valley”-esque animation. This could have been easily avoided had the animators had the foresight to make every background character have Henry Rollins’ face. Seeing Rollins after Rollins after Rollins would remind viewers that they weren’t watching some cold ultra-photorealistic computer-animated horror film, but instead a wistful fantasy that could only be attained through the power of imagination.
“Home Alone 2: Lost In New York”
“Home Alone II” has no shortage of cameo performances, some more dreadful than others. It feels like an oversight to not have included Rollins. He could have appeared as himself and told Kevin McCallister that “everyone is lost in New York in some way” and how he should “take solace in the universal feeling of being alone” or some other poetic nonsense.
“Jingle All The Way”
A movie with a plot premise of trying to buy a child’s love with material things only to learn the true meaning of Christmas is practically begging for at least a minor speaking role from Henry Rollins. This is without mentioning the gold mine that would be the comedic chemistry between him and Sinbad.
“The Night Before”
You probably forget this Seth Rogen/Joseph Gordon-Levitt/Anthony Macke buddy film even existed. That’s because Henry Rollins doesn’t appear in it for even a second. Considering the entire film revolves around getting absolutely wasted while looking for the “holy grail of Christmas parties,” the exclusion of Henry Rollins as a reluctant designated driver isn’t just an oversight, it’s downright irresponsible.
“Mixed Nuts”
This movie’s cast list is basically a who’s who of 90’s alternative comedy. It’s appalling and egregious that Henry Rollins wasn’t invited. If Steve Martin and Rollins could have settled their long-standing blood feud for the duration of filming, who knows what kind of blockbuster the producers could have had on their hands. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see Henry Rollins beat the ever-living fuck out of Steve Martin?
“Christmas With the Kranks”
After initially deciding to skip Christmas following the departure of their daughter, Blaire, to Peru, the Kranks are forced to plan a party, decorate their home, and celebrate the holiday in full when Blair’s trip is cut short. This results in Tim Allen’s character doing some shady shit like stealing a neighbor’s Christmas tree. A move that led to the cops investigating him for burglary. A well-placed Henry Rollins cameo could have at least helped in that department. He could have just shown up to rip an evergreen straight out of the ground, or at the very least punch the pursuing officer right in the dick.
“Special Delivery”
You probably haven’t heard of this one because it stars Andy Dick, but here’s the gist: A courier for an adoption agency, played by Dick, loses a baby that was supposed to be delivered to its adoptive parents for Christmas. We’re not sure if couriers as hapless as fucking Andy Dick actually deliver babies like FedEx packages, nor do we know how one simply loses a baby, but we do know Rollins could have saved the day here with minimal effort.
“Miracle on 34th Street”
Henry Rollins is eloquent, intelligent, and seems to know a lot about the law. If the producers of the 90’s remake of “Miracle on 34th Street” made use of him as a surprise witness in the famous court scene, he probably could have ad-libbed an impassioned, airtight, and indisputable argument for Kris Kringle being the real Santa Claus.
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