WASHINGTON — President Biden revealed that the United States reached a new milestone in global dominance and is just one military base on foreign soil away from world peace and stability, exhausted Americans confirmed.
“My fellow Americans, after consulting with our top military advisors I am happy to announce that we just need one more potential forward operating base in Southeast Asia to keep our enemies in check permanently. I know you’re all upset about the endless, unchecked deluge of taxpayer dollars into our military budget but seriously gang, but it’s all led to this moment,” said the 46th president. “Just this last one, plus a couple of hundred missiles capable of landing in North Korea or Iran, but that’s all I swear. And if all goes well, I promise to look into taxing the one percent and all that other crap you’ve been breaking my balls about.”
Foreign diplomats around the globe immediately admonished Biden’s plan.
“I sure as shit hope they don’t put another one in Asia. Every time America establishes itself in the region it usually means more violent rednecks who think they’re on some exotic vacation. Sure they’ll build a base here, and then once they fire off a rocket or 10 at whoever is pissing them off this week, they’re going to want another outpost even closer to some other natural resources,” said Philippines Ambassador Joan Moreno. “If Biden was serious about protecting the world, he should approve a few more bases inside the USA. Rumor has it there’s a bunch of terrorists sitting on a huge oil supply in Texas.”
International policy experts were not remotely surprised that Biden was continuing the long history of military overreach.
“Imagine your landlord won’t stop buying snakes and he lets them roam the building, bite the shit out of everyone, and they hiss non-stop but he swears the mouse problem that he created will be fixed if he gets one more snake. And you let him because he has a snake army that is fully funded by his tenants, and he might be right this time. That’s the United States in a nutshell,” said Ramona Klein. “At this rate, the only place left without military personnel is Antarctica, so look out for Biden to declare war on some hostile penguins.”
This morning, Biden sheepishly asked Congress for a few extra bucks to keep 20 fighter jets in a hangar indefinitely, just in case.