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Bassist Only in Band Because of Sam’s Club Membership

DENTON, Texas — Members of the local emo band Bike Seat revealed a Sam’s Club membership is the only reason why their longtime bassist has remained in the band, multiple sympathetic sources confirmed.

“Look, Freddy (Walthers) sucks. We’ve only made it this far as a band because I deleted his tracks and re-recorded his parts in the studio. We even used to set his amps down to zero when we’re on stage, but apparently he’s got enough brain cells to turn a volume knob so now we just unplug him when he’s not looking,” said lead guitarist Dakota Larrson. “He has zero redeeming qualities, zero potential for growth as a human, and zero musical talent. Who the fuck let him have a Sam’s Club membership? God damn it, this hotdog combo is pulling a lot of weight for that loser.”

The oblivious bassist painted a different picture of his relationship with the rest of the band.

“Oh yeah, we’re great pals. After I get done volunteering at the children’s hospital, I round everyone up and we head over to Sam’s. It’s the highlight of my week, watching them fill up carts with barrels of cheese balls and boxes of stroopwafel,” said Walthers while bottle-feeding an abandoned raccoon he rescued. “Actually, I wasn’t too sure about joining the band at first, but the guys really wanted me so I caved in. Truth be told, I’ve actually had to stop mentoring some troubled kids in my neighborhood to free up some time for bass lessons. I really want to surprise the guys, I always feel like I’m letting them down.”

Leadership at Sam’s Club headquarters noticed a similar trend across the United States.

“We see it so often, this phenomenon where some sucker with a membership is taken advantage of by much smarter people. It’s like a parasitic relationship, where the host wastes multiple hours of their lives and the parasite is like a kid at a candy store,” said store manager Nicoletta Thomas. “It’s kinda sad to see it play out in real life but apparently, it’s good for business. New company policy is to deny memberships to cool people with friends and jack up prices for sad, lonely, pathetic losers who are desperate enough to pay some outrageous amount for their friends to like them.”

At press time, Bike Seat announced they’re looking for a new keyboard player with a Costco membership ahead of a West Coast tour.