Top 25 Things to Bring to Friendsgiving to Avoid Being Invited Back Next Year

Posted on by Holden Klym

Thanksgiving! A great way to kick off the season of spending dreadful amounts of time with your relatives, making small talk and pretending to have more going on in your life than you do.

Limiting these interactions to family members isn’t enough–Why not do this with friends? Turns out it actually sucks. Here are 25 things to bring to Friendsgiving because you’re definitely not trying to never have to go again.

25. Beer

Unless this is a sober event, there is no way that this wouldn’t go over well. Doesn’t matter if it’s cheap beer either: beer is beer. You really thought this would get you uninvited for the years to come? Idiot. If you keep the case to yourself, maybe you can get trashed enough to cause a scene that would warrant your friends cutting you off. This isn’t likely though.

24. Paper Plates

Friendsgiving isn’t your elementary school holiday party but, boy, are you treating it like it is. You’re doing the bare minimum to participate–Only saving the host from having to do any dishes. If this is your contribution, you’re probably a bad enough cook that your friends are secretly relieved you chose this option.

23. Boxed Mac and Cheese

It’s fine enough, but still shows how little you care. Avoid putting it into a nice casserole dish to prevent anyone from even considering you made it from scratch. Hell, don’t even make it till you get there. Instead, take up as much space in the host’s kitchen as possible preparing such a simple “dish.”

22. Leftover Halloween Candy

Apparently no one lets their kid trick or treat anymore. It’s much safer to teach your children to go up to strangers’ cars and ask for candy. Makes sense. You didn’t get this memo though and have three bags of candy left over after you only got 3 trick-or-treaters. People will enjoy having a piece or two, but will most likely be annoyed you didn’t bring a more well-thought-out contribution.

21. Canned Cranberry Sauce

Don’t refrigerate it beforehand! This item is best served after sitting in a hot car for a few days. If you really want to leave your friends unimpressed, steal an expired can of it from your parent’s pantry that has been there since 2007. If this doesn’t destroy your friendships, it will at least destroy your GI tract.

20. Your Gen-Alpha Nephew

He’s not that unbearable. But he is annoying enough that your sister asked you to watch him while she goes to Cabo for the holiday. You and your friends will not know what a “Skibidi toilet” is but will surely be aware that it is a thing by the end of the evening.

19. Stuffing

A controversial side dish, but necessary for a complete Thanksgiving. Bringing this will be a choice that no one will think twice about. Maybe rethink this if you’re really looking to get out of attending again. Even if no one likes it, it’s gotta be there. Just like you next year.

18. Poppers

Weed is too normalized now. Even your boring friends will be asking you for a hit if you smoke at the function. Smoke beforehand and throw a bottle of poppers in your pocket. Take enough hits and your unaware friends will assume you can get addicted to them and stay away.

17. A Pack of Pall Malls

If the poppers weren’t alienating enough, pull these out. Not only are you smoking cigs in front of your lame friends, you’re smoking the worst option. Don’t go outside for your smoke break: Find the perfect break in conversation at the dinner table and light up. Look as cool and mysterious as possible while the host yells that now they won’t get their lease deposit back. Both you and your lungs won’t regret it!

16. Green Bean Casserole

A dish that is no one’s favorite but always there. Unseasoned, bland, and tasteless: 3 words to describe both this dish and potentially you. Don’t make an event of it, just bring your casserole. Don’t announce this dish or your presence if you can avoid it. Your friends will forget you’re there–just like this casserole. Hopefully, they’ll forget to invite you back too.

15. A Selfie Stick

Your friends left their selfie sticks in 2013 and will surely leave you in 2023 if you do it right. Invite everyone to take as many group selfies (perhaps be bold enough to call them “Usies”) as possible. Hell, use it to vlog the entire event. For best results, make sure to “accidentally” wack as many attendees with it as possible.

14. Cards Against Humanity

Bringing Cards Against Humanity is a true crime against humanity in 2023. No amount of alcohol can force your friends to stifle laughter at the same 4 cards again. Your friends will agree to play because they feel bad but the conversation will shift before the first round is even done.

13. Body Odor

Quit showering ASAP! It’s the easiest way to bring a foul odor and make sure your friends know it’s coming from you. They won’t bring it up while you’re there, but it’ll be sure to spark a debate in a separate group chat on whether or not you should be invited back to any event–or if a personal hygiene intervention is needed.

12. Creamed Corn

You psychopath–Who the fuck eats this? The last thing anyone thinks while eating corn is, “Man, I wish this were milkier!” It’s a labor of love to make, but in this case you can replace the love with disdain for your friends’ stories about their life. You don’t need to hear about them dressing as Barbie for Halloween–and next year they won’t need you to attend Friendsgiving.

11. Knowledge Of How Football Works

No one gives a shit about your fantasy league. Or whatever unoriginal punishment you’ve decided on for the loser. Even more so, no one actually cares to know what you think about every play of the game–So make sure to voice every thought!

10. Now That’s What I Call Christmas! On 8-Track

They don’t even make this on 8-track. But if you’re truly dedicated, throw it on one yourself. It’s a surefire way to look simultaneously pretentious and tasteless. When the host ultimately doesn’t have an 8-track player, spend the rest of the party complaining about how it’d be so much better with “Winter Wonderland” playing in the background to truly get in the spirit of the coming season.

9. Oysters

This one is a risky choice, as it could go either way, depending on how you choose to prepare them–done in earnest or in an attempt to give your friends food poisoning. If you’re careless enough about food safety, the latter could occur anyway. Either way, you’ll be talked about.

8. Chunky Mashed Potatoes

Have you ever put the utmost care into preparing the perfect, lumpless, dish of mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving? Yeah, don’t fucking do that here. Forget everything you were taught. Hell, just take a hammer and hit the potato once and call it a day. Don’t even bother cooking it. The message will be received.

7. Prison Wine

Three days before the event, you’re gonna want to start preparing this in your closet. The less you spend on ingredients, the better. Make sure to text the group chat for the event that you’ll be bringing plenty of wine–freshly bottled locally–and that no one else will need to provide any. If all your friends don’t die of botulism, they will make sure they don’t give you the opportunity to give it to them again.

6. Beanie Babies

Your beloved nest egg! Thank god you’ve kept them all these years–Or just bought a sack of them for 5 dollars off of Craigslist this morning, purely for this bit. Brag about how you’re gonna make even more than the tech bros and their precious NFTs. Beanie Babies are tangible and meaningful–unlike your relationship with your friends if you’re this desperate to avoid seeing them.

5. Any Kind of Jello Salad

Call your midwestern mom! After a four-hour-long phone call filled with questions on why you don’t call more, why your hair looks like that, and gossip about a woman you’ve never met, you’ll be left with at least 4 horrendous jello salad recipe options. It doesn’t matter which one you choose: No one will touch it anyway.

4. A DVD Filled With Footage of People Being Hit By Trains

As the festivities wind down and conversation lulls, people will be wondering when they can politely leave. Pop this into the DVD player and people will start throwing up all over the place! Make sure you point out every time a guy’s head gets knocked off, this will ensure nobody ever talks to you again.

3. Protein Powder

Is it too late to start on New Year’s resolutions–Or too early? Spend the evening bragging about your so-called fitness journey. Photoshop a before and after pic. Dry scoop from your tub of protein powder and do a measly three pushups in front of all your friends. No one wants to hear about it, but they’ll surely watch and listen.

2. A Need For Money

No one likes a mooch. If you’ve already asked your friends for money in the past without repaying them, this will be easy. If not, improvising this will be fine. Have a crazy new idea that you have no intention of following through with? Act as desperate for funding as possible. Your friends might get annoyed and ignore your advances. Or, if they do invest, a year will be long enough for them to be mad about getting nothing out of their investment.

1. The Host’s Ex

Possibly the easiest way out–but requires a bit of planning. If the host has enough beef with their ex, it’ll be easy to get them in on your plan. If not, you’ll have to make time for some dates or hangouts prior to convince them to attend the Friendsgiving with you. Executing this successfully won’t make your friends hesitate to stop talking to you. Forget not being invited back next year, they’ll be happy to see you go before the meal is even over.

Man Nostalgic for Time When Blockbuster Crushed His Aunt and Uncle’s Independent Video Store

Posted on by Chris Bowen

CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local millennial Jacob Horwitz felt nostalgic for a time when corporate rental giant Blockbuster moved into his town and destroyed his aunt and uncle’s independent video store, downtrodden sources report.

“I have fond memories of getting out of school on a Friday, scoping out the video games or seeing what horror films I could rent at Blockbuster, and witnessing my dad’s sister and her husband wallowing in their impending financial ruin because of it,” Horwitz said. “After Blockbuster moved in, it was only eight months later when Aunt Eve and Uncle Rodney were weeping at Christmas dinner saying that they were going to have to close down the Rent-a-Flick, which had been a local institution for decades. They were once so happy, a pillar in the community! But they never had ‘Pulp Fiction’ in stock so I guess they weren’t all that great.”

Former co-owner of the Rent-a-Flick video store had conflicting feelings on Blockbuster’s legacy.

“It’s really cool that video rental stores are now seen as a nostalgic gem that is meant to be treasured at all costs,” Aunt Eve Maygarden explained. “But do we really only need to focus on the national chains? Next we’re going to celebrate Olive Garden while ignoring that locally-owned Italian restaurant that actually cares about what they serve. It’s a shame that Blockbuster ultimately met the same demise as our store, but their legacy will live on in memes and those laminated cards that you still have deep within your junk drawer somewhere.”

Richard Galveston, a former manager at a Blockbuster store branch, seemed proud of the company’s accomplishments.

“I remember our company’s slogan like it was yesterday: ‘Be kind, rewind, and crush competitors into submission.’ Very easy to remember,” Galveston said. “We just had lower prices, better selection than the others, and lots and lots of corporate money to pump into advertising. Blockbuster’s plan was going accordingly and we were rolling membership fee revenue. That is, until streaming came about. Now I sell mattresses for a living.”

At press time, Horowitz fondly remembered a time in 2008 when his parent’s hopes and dreams were erased by the recession.

UPDATE: I Remembered Another Part of My Dream (Guest Column By Your Mom)

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

Hi, sweetie. I was just checking my phone to see if you remembered to call when I realized I never told you the big news: I remembered another part of my dream.

You know the one I’m talking about, where your father killed our terrier? I told you about it yesterday. I remember we were sitting by the pool and he just pushed Clover in and held him under until the bubbles stopped, and I just sat there and then asked him why he did it. In the dream, I mean. Don’t worry, Clover is fine. He’s sleeping on his little bed.

Anyways, I remembered why your dad drowned the dog. So, like I said, the bubbles stopped, then I asked him why he did it — why he killed Clover, I mean. He turns around and looks me in the eyes. And suddenly, it’s not your father’s face, it’s my old boyfriend from high school, but I didn’t really think anything of it. You know how dreams are. So, he looks me in the eyes, and says…

Hm? Oh, sorry. It seemed like you weren’t really listening, so I didn’t think I needed to continue. So your father — who is now really my ex from when I was younger than you — looks me in the eyes and says, “I just wanted to know what that kind of power felt like.”

Isn’t that so funny? You know, it’s like what the husband said on that episode of “Dateline” we watched last week. I said to you, “Can you believe he said that?” I’m sure you heard it, unless you were too preoccupied with the Tic Tacs on your phone to listen to both your mother and the show we were watching.

Oh, wait. It might have been the Dateline from two weeks ago. Your father watched it with me because you were too busy with Jeanine’s wedding. What? I’m not saying you shouldn’t have gone to the wedding; I’m just saying that’s why you didn’t have time to come over and watch “Dateline” with me like you do every week. Anyway, I’ll let you know if I remember anything else. And don’t forget to call me tomorrow. Love you.

Every Trivium Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

If there’s one state you can count on to give you prime quality every time, it’s Florida. From their world renowned tourist attractions to their potent bath salts, the Sunshine State has got it all. This is why it comes as no surprise that the classiest city in all of the Southern states, Orlando, would produce one of America’s greatest modern metal bands. Crack open a Gatorade and start thinking about dragons because we are about to definitively rank every Trivium album.

10. What the Dead Men Say (2020)

Much like the year of its release, this album starts off great (we’re looking at you flawless transition from “IX” into “What The Dead Men Say”) but ends pretty underwhelmingly. Sure, there are some bangers on here, but there isn’t really enough mythological lore to keep us interested. If we have to pick the worst Trivium album (and we don’t really want to), it’s this one. But that can only mean things get bigger and better from here.

Play it again: “What The Dead Men Say”
Skip it: “Scattering The Ashes”

9. The Crusade (2006)

What this album lacks in metalcore screaming, it makes up for in thrashing guitars and anthemic sing-along moments. It doesn’t feel as “Trivium” as their other albums, hence this low placement. But that doesn’t stop it from shredding. Especially 8-minute 21-second instrumental closer “The Crusade.”

Play it again: “And Sadness Will Sear”
Skip it: “Tread the Floods”

 

 

8. Vengeance Falls (2013)

Vengeance Falls starts heavy and stays heavy. Matt Heafy really shows off his vocal range on this album, weaving his silky melodic lyricism through his harsh growling. It is the absolute perfect album to powerwash your driveway to. Don’t believe us? Go to Home Depot right now, rent the power washer (put it on our account) and have at it. You will see we are correct.

Play it again: “Brave This Storm”
Skip it: “At the End of This War”

 

 

7. In Waves (2011)

Now when we go back to 2011, we get an album opener that mixes a pretty spooky sounding piano with punching guitars to give us a taste of what is to come on this album. Calling back to some of their earlier releases, “In Waves” treats us to some tasty solos over guttural vocals. A dark album with a dark sound – decadent like a black forest gateaux.

Play it again: “A Skyline’s Severance”
Skip it: “A Grey so Dark”

 

 

6. The Sin and the Sentence (2017)

Another album that starts straight in, no kissing to its title track. There’s something ethereal about this one, each track gives the sense that we are stuck in some other world without any hope of escaping. And yet, we’re sort of at peace with it?

Play it again: “Betrayer”
Skip it: “The Heart from Your Hate” (just so you can avoid having it stuck in your head forever)

 

 

 

5. Silence in the Snow (2015)

Some chilling strings to get us started, you can already feel the cold creeping in as this album begins. Theatrical and sludgy, this one is worth the frostbite. You listen to this and all of a sudden you are fighting alongside a thousand other ice-vikings who might be ghosts, over a feud you cannot understand. It feels amazing and you will die for this unknown cause, despite feeling immense guilt over it that forces you to burst into some of the most beautiful songs you have ever sung.

Play it again: “The Ghost That’s Haunting You”
Skip it: “Cease All Your Fire” (but only if you are a warmonger who loves to profit off of innocent bloodshed)

4. Ember to Inferno (2003)

Trivium’s debut album holds up way better than my haircut from 2003. And I thought those frosted tips would live forever. While the boys were still figuring out that delicate balance between screaming and singing in the best way to show off Heafy’s vocals, they managed to create some of their most delicious licks. If your neck isn’t killing you from thrashing your head by track four, you may need to reevaluate your listening methods.

Play it again: “Ember to Inferno”
Skip it: “Requiem”

3. Shogun (2008)

Finally. An album that lets us live out our evil metal mythological ninja fantasies. Like big boys. Shogun f**king rules. The first Trivium album that is really incomparable to any other band – this is the one that really cements their sound.

Play it again: “Torn Between Scylla and Charybdis”
Skip it: We really don’t want to skip any of these but the Florida school system forces you to skip “Of Prometheus and the Crucifix” for fear you might Google any of its meaning.

 

2. Ascendancy (2005)

Ascendancy features the most stand-out opening piece of all Trivium’s albums, with a melodic piano piece surrounded by the vocalizations of lost souls. The band’s second album doesn’t pull any punches and slaps you over the head with thrash. This is the kind of album that makes you wish you could recreate every part of it with your own talentless hands. But you can’t, so you resort to reviewing it for an online satire magazine instead.

Play it again: Every single morning – this is better than any caffeine hit on God’s green earth.
Skip it: If you want to listen to “In The Court of The Dragon” instead.

1. In The Court of The Dragon (2021)

Listening to this album is the closest thing anyone from Florida can get to owning a VR headset. You close your eyes while playing this and you are THERE – right in the middle of a Roman colosseum with hundreds of your peers cheering for your death while you struggle to fight both the fire-breathing dragon before you and your internal belief systems. Special mention goes to the beautifully tight drumming of Alex Bent on this one. This album is seriously special.

Play it again: “The Shadow of The Abattoir” (for your friends, when they need it)
Skip it: If you don’t have an imagination.

Toddler Prefers Bluey’s Earlier Work

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

HARRISBURG, Penn. – Local toddler and diehard “Bluey” fan Collette Winston-Bradford expressed immense displeasure with the newer songs by the beloved animated dog, sources picking damp Cheerios up off the floor report.

“I don’t know, the older stuff really just does it for me more. The upbeat compositions, jazzy yet soothing instrumentation, wholesome and straightforward lyrics… it’s a lot more sophisticated than this new shit,” said Winston-Bradford while throwing a shoe into the rearview mirror. “This ‘Dance Mode’ garbage is far too mainstream for my taste. It feels like a mockery of what made Bluey tick, you know? It’s like going from Michigan-era Sufjan to fucking Avicii. I get that everyone needs to change and evolve their sound or whatever, but this is soulless pandering to the radio-friendly overlords.”

Colton’s father Jorin Bradford is increasingly exasperated with his child’s emotional reaction to the show.

“I’m at my wits end here,” Bradford said while sneaking a hit of his vape and hoping his wife didn’t notice. “Colie loves ‘Bluey.’ She demands that I play the theme song every time we get into the car, and I pretty much have the episodes on a 24/7 loop on the iPad. But now every time I play an episode from the last like, six months, she absolutely loses her mind screaming and crying. I don’t really know what this means. There’s a distinct possibility that my kid is somehow already a culture snob at the ripe old age of two.”

Pediatrician and behavioral expert Dr. Madison Klein weighed in on the situation.

“I see this sort of attitude shift all the time with my patients,” Klein said while gesturing to several photos of screaming toddlers hanging on her wall. “A kid gets hooked on a fairly decent show, and it becomes their whole life, only to disappoint them as both they and the subject matter mature. With children like Collette, I have to assume this is a learned behavior, since his father has been complaining about ‘this new dogshit AFI’ since roughly 2001.”

At press time, Winston-Bradford was seen posting a scathing review of “Dance Mode” to Baby Pitchfork.

Depressed Man Doesn’t Even Pretend to Wash Hands in the Bathroom Anymore

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

PUEBLO, Colo. – Local downer Henry Bergen recently stopped going through the motions of pretending to wash his hands after using the bathroom, according to sources who are now extremely grossed out.

“I don’t even know why I bothered to do it in the first place, everything we do is just a waste of time until we eventually die alone,” said Bergen during a shower that lasted nearly two hours. “Normally after I pee I run the water for 30 seconds in case anyone is listening, and I’ll time it by washing and rinsing my hands in my head. But, lately, no matter how hard I try I can’t come up with a single positive thought. Nothing that will make me happy in the near or distant future. Plus I’m pretty sure all of my loved ones only put up with me because they’re too polite to tell me how worthless I am. I should just dig a hole in the woods and stop dragging everyone down.”

Bergen’s mother Cassandra Bergen-Hatch says his ailment runs in the family.

“Oh yes, the Bergen family migrums,” said Bergen-Hatch as she browsed Tinder. “Henry’s father suffered from them as well. It got so bad that Larry wouldn’t even wash the dishes between meals. He’d just plop his food onto crusty plates and shovel it down with his bare hands. He only owned one pair of socks the whole time we were together too. Larry left us when Henry was just a boy, so Henry didn’t get too much advice from his dad. But whenever Henry spirals into a vicious self-loathing depression that lasts for weeks on end, I know that father and son are closer than ever.”

Mental health and depression expert Alejandro Fulmer isn’t surprised by Bergen’s behavior. 

“Even men with great mental health are fucking disgusting,” relayed Fulmer while picking his teeth with a still-attached hang nail. “They struggle with rudimentary grooming habits on a good day, and as soon as something challenges their fragile little world it all falls apart. Why do you think so many guys have beards? It’s a great way to get compliments for doing literally nothing, which in many ways makes it the ideal male activity.”

At press time, Bergen admitted he had also given up on wiping after bowel movements. 



Arguing Over Which Metal Bands Belong to Which Subgenre Now Recognized as Own Metal Subgenre

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WEBSTER, N.Y. — Leading music experts unanimously agreed that arguments between fans over which metal bands are considered to be part of which subgenres is now officially recognized as its own subgenre, several keyboard warriors report.

“Finally, a metal subgenre I can fully wrap my head around,” local metalhead Todd Bessemer exclaimed. “I can’t play an instrument or write a song to save my life, but I sure as hell can debate with the best of them about which bands are death-thrash and which are black death-thrash. I should be headlining Maryland Deathfest in no time just discussing the differences on stage. All those years of practicing on The Metal Archives pages is finally paying off.”

Metal guitarist Garrett Hamilton is considering dabbling in the new genre.

“I’ve been playing metal for a while now, but I think it might be time to put down the guitar, and hop on this new subgenre train before it gets flooded with posers,” Hamilton said, adding that he had considered starting a metal side project in this specific subegenre. “I mean, being a lifelong metalhead, I’ve definitely got some arguing practice in. And I feel now’s the time to let the ignorant masses know that old Sepultura is death metal and not thrash. Someone needs to teach these newbies.”

According to scene veteran Corey “Snake” Wilson, the newly discovered subgenre isn’t the only obnoxious thing about metal that is becoming more and more popular.

“Being a part of the metal scene is 100% more than just the music. It’s about the level of obscure bands you know, who looks the coolest in leather pants, and who can pull off a ridiculous looking mustache the best,” Wilson explained through his large, Civil War-style general mustache. “That’s why being a poser has actually become a genre in of itself. Yup, there are bands popping up all over who just stand there with their ‘St. Anger’ era Metallica shirts and pose on stage for a whole set. It drives elitists mad, and that’s why I love it.”

At press time, many of the leading artists in the burgeoning new subgenre have already had their work reissued on triple 180 gram vinyl box sets.

What To Do When Your Shithead Teen Discovers Nietzsche

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

It happened again. You had an argument with your child. But this time, something was different. Instead of the usual concise vitriol from them like “I hate you” and “I can’t wait for my emancipation to be approved,” your child was speaking in nonsense aphorisms and dense, ostentatious paragraphs.

And when you squint and ask your child why they’re speaking that way, they say the one word that haunts every parent and every Poli-Sci professor: Nietzsche.

Fear not. Here’s what you do to (hopefully?) avoid your teenager from becoming an über-douche.

1. Counter Nietzsche’s writing style
Remind your child that just because Friedrich Nietzsche—or really any philosopher—writes in dense, erudite prose doesn’t mean he’s right or even has a point. Explain to your argumentative teen that speaking in seemingly clever maxims doesn’t lower or even address their douchiness. After all, a hyperliterate shithead is still a shithead. Just look at Sam Harris.

2. Explain that Nietzsche destroyed music criticism as a respectable profession
If your quarrelsome teen likes music and/or music criticism, point out that Nietzsche made it impossible to be taken seriously as a music writer. He wrote an entire essay discussing Richard Wagner’s work in which he pioneered the pretentious music critic aesthetic and made goddamn certain that “pretentious music critic” would forever be redundant. What an asshole.

3. Bring up that fucking mustache
Show your polemic child a picture of Nietzsche. Seriously, his mustache is sarcastically over-the-top. It’s a hairpiece sitting above his lip. It’s the douchiest thing about him, and he wrote an entire book with chapter titles like “Why I Write Such Good Books” and “Why I Am A Destiny.” His mustache screams, “I ride a unicycle to work, deal with it.”

4. If all else fails: Reductio ad Hitlerum
It’s a cheap but effective ploy: tell your pugnacious offspring that Nietzsche was German and might’ve inspired the Nazis. Use their reaction as a barometer. If your child rejects him, there’s still a chance your kid will turn out alright. If your child embraces him, you made a huge mistake somewhere as a parent and you’re kinda fucked.

Ten Underrated Albums From Roadrunner Records to Listen to While You Pretend to Train for a Marathon

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Nickelback (yes, that Nickelback), Slipknot, Turnstile, Theory of a Deadman, and various other rock and roll for your body, heart, soul and MySpace acts that we haven’t mentioned here are WAY too large to be underrated, so they won’t be listed here in this piece highlighting the ten most underrated albums from Roadrunner Records. Founded in the Netherlands, where rock, and particularly metal, still reigns supreme, in 1980, Roadrunner Records annihilated the late-90s and early-aughts with BLOCKBUSTER (wow, what a difference) releases in the heavy but not morbidly obese world. The proof is in the pudding as the label is now a division of Warner Music Group, which also owns Elektra Records, Reprise Records, Atlantic Records, and not freaking Victory Records.

Biohazard “Urban Discipline” (1992)

Let’s start this Roadrunner Records underrated piece with the oldest release to be listed here, in the year of our lord known as 1992, which was just one short year after grunge infiltrated the earth and killed hair metal dead: Biohazard’s second studio album “Urban Discipline” is for sure extremely revered by the underground, but even many mainstream metal and punk heads have never heard this multi-genre hardcore masterpiece, and we’re here to change that! Critics from inferior publications certainly agree with us, because we’re always right, and this nearly hour length LP doesn’t let up till the very end, and pummels you consistently throughout all of its fourteen tracks. Fun fact: Your favorite punk band unless it isn’t, Bad Religion, gets the NYHC approved Biohazard treatment on track twelve of “Urban Discipline” with a guttural cover of the opener to their classic “How Could Hell Be Any Worse?”

Creeper “Sex, Death & the Infinite Void” (2020)

We’re forever scratching our heads at the bitter truth of Creeper being SO MUCH bigger in their home country of England than they are stateside, especially with the major resurgence of My Chemical Romance, but that’s what makes horse racing. If you wanted to hear Gerard Way if he sang on David Bowie’s “Aladdin Sane,” complete with superstar makeup, check out Creeper’s second full-length studio album “Sex, Death & the Infinite Void” for so much more than an ampersand. Honestly, if the record was track four, “Cyanide,” repeated sixteen times exactly the freaking same, this hell of a LP would still be listed here and all of your friends agree, unless they don’t. A 2020s glam revival would rule so much, fam!

The Dresden Dolls “Self-Titled” (2003)

The Dresden Dolls released their perfect self-titled debut via the aptly named 8 ft. Records in 2003, and Roadrunner Records snagged the band shortly after, and re-released this record just one year later from Boston’s dark cabaret to end all dark cabaret duos. Even though The Dresden Dolls eventually supported the then-rising Panic! at the Disco stateside on a run for its also fantastic follow-up LP “Yes, Virginia,” the stars were aligned for global domination, but sadly the band never rose to the heights of the young exclamation point group that eventually removed such for album #2 and then added it back for effort #3, and even drew confused apathetic blank stares at the shows on the tour. Still, this is a cult favorite for those in the know, and it is showcased by frontwoman Amanda Palmer’s solo success after the fall of DD, but not designated drivers.

Glassjaw “Worship And Tribute” (2002)

Even though, to sound like a true Long Islander, post-hardcore godfathers Glassjaw publicly talked shit about all things Roadrunner Records, their sophomore LP “Worship and Tribute,” likely the most popular record on this underrated album list, deserves an amplitude of, err, worship and tribute here, as it was a strong influence for many mid-aughts aggressive rock bands, but not successful enough to adequately infect the mainstream. Sadly, because of an unhealthy combination of life, liberty, the pursuit of sadness, and deplorable accents, it would be their last full-length for fifteen years, showcasing that the band consisted of pigs stuck in the mud, suffering from a combination of cosmopolitan blood loss and upset tummies from ingesting pink roses… As BMTH said, “Whatever and ever AmEN!”

Highly Suspect “The Midnight Demon Club” (2022)

Highly Suspect’s fourth full-length studio album, “The Midnight Demon Club” is their first effort for Roadrunner Records, and some may think it is off-brand for the label, but we just want to say that we love its multifaceted blend of alternative, blues, grunge, and not klezmer. In addition, this record is the newest one to be listed here, so if you think that 2022 is current, check it out, and if you’re looking for a throwback, do the same, you wild-eyed sons and daughters! Cape Cod is not just for trust fund brats, even worse accents than Long Islanders, Wade Boggs, and fried clams, y’all! The Grammy Awards committee agrees with us because we’re right, and showcased such with a Highly Suspect, but not highly sus, nomination for Best Rock Album at the Grammy Awards for their 2015 debut “Mister Asylum.”

Kemuri “Little Playmate” (1997)

Easily, and by FAR the most underrated and unknown entry here, and we mean such with zero hyperbole whatsoever, Japanese ska-punk act Kemuri released a pretty much flawless late-90s third wave record, their debut LP “Little Playmate,” that likely (wait for it, wait for it) got lost in translation. If you spot this one in any bargain bins, and you likely will, we implore you to purchase it and find a CD player to listen to it on, as most cars and computers this day and age don’t even contain an outlet for playing such. Japan was a hotbed for Warped Tour sounding bands like Hi-STANDARD, Potshot, Yellow Machinegun, and Styx, and Kemuri managed to stand out via their incredible horn section, fun sound, and catchy, catchy melodies.

Marmozets “The Weird And Wonderful Marmozets” (2014)

We love it good when a band has its own name in its own album title. Bingley, yes Bingley, West Yorkshire’s Marmozets released two full-lengths that elevated ‘em to mainstage festival status in England, but only in ratty clubs in the USA; wtf. Their debut “The Weird and Wonderful Marmozets” is a thirteen track LP that was favorably reviewed all over the world, and subsequently never lets up till the last second of closer “Back to You,” which should cause you to move, shake, hide, and write witticisms on our social media pages like, “They have more than one song?”.

 

Shelter “Mantra” (1995)

Shelter’s first album for Roadrunner Records, and second oldest LP listed here, “Mantra,” is and was a Krishnacore, yes Krishnacore, masterpiece brought to you by Connecticut hardcore legends Ray Cappo, John Porcelly of Youth of Today, a band that isn’t just a t-shirt with posi lyrics, Adam “I Have A Pretentious Last Name” Blake, and Dave “I Bet You Can’t Pronounce My Last Name Correctly” Dicenso. On an unexpected and friendly note, the band covered The Beatles’ classic “We Can Work It Out” on the Brazilian and reissued bonus tracks for “Mantra,” and while you can’t find said song on Spotify, you can do so on YouTube.

Spineshank “The Height of Callousness”

Speaking of underground two-tone 1982 favorites The Beatles, even though the predecessor to this album, Spineshank’s debut LP, “Strictly Diesel,” contained a sick cover of Dhani “I Know Jeff Lynne” Harrison’s classic “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” that doesn’t feature renowned douchecanoe racist Eric “Why Do I Hate Black People Even Though I Bastardize The Blues” Clapton on “lead” guitar, “The Height of Callousness” deservedly gets its superb smelling flowers here, and is honestly one of the better nu metal efforts from the early-aughts. Want proof? They recorded said record at the most butt rock named studio of all time, Vancouver, Canada’s Mushroom Studios.

Young the Giant “Self-Titled” (2010)

This article and the game of life are both too short to even care at all, and it’s a competition between the aforementioned Highly Suspect and Irvine’s Young the Giant as to whether the former band or the latter is more hipstery. Spoiler alert: It’s YTG by a jake. Despite the fact that this self-titled debut LP went gold, it is still not widely known as a Roadrunner Records release, and thus technically underrated here; we don’t make the rules but your body, side, apartment, and trust funds sure do! Every little thing Young the Giant does is magic, and even your least favorite vegan and ours known as Morrissey even sang this album’s praises, proving to the world that people can in fact get off of their own lawn to go to the local CVS Pharmacy for cough syrup. God may have made man, but Roadrunner Records elevated YTG.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Watching George Santos Peel A Banana With His Feet On OnlyFans

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Without music, many of our lives would be dull and meaningless. Each day would be an endless montage of mundanity with no soundtrack with every banal activity completed in total maddening silence. Sadly, with your taste, this isn’t too far off from your reality even with a backing track. That’s where we come in. Our staff has been meticulously trained to recommend and deliver tracks scientifically designed to pull you from the depths of your own irrelevancy. Without further ado, here are eight tracks we listened to this week that need to hit your boring playlists immediately.

Snail Mail “Headlock – Demo”

Snail Mail’s Lindsey Jordan is considered a sort of wunderkind, having released two instant classic albums while barely cracking into her early twenties. Now, she has given fans an intimate look into her songwriting process with the release of a handful of demos from her sophomore effort ‘Valentine.’ The rough cut of that album’s standout track ‘Headlock’ finds the songwriter toying with ambient drones while never once straying from her inimitable pop sensibilities. If your bedroom EP sounded good and was actually a cohesive body of work, it still might not even come close to Jordan’s nebulous drafts. Keep trying, though. We believe in you.

Better Lovers “Two Alive Amongst the Dead”

Jesus fucking Christ, this band shreds. Knowing full well their debut EP ‘God Made Me An Animal’ left fans absolutely chomping at the bit, Better Lovers released a new single ‘Two Alive Amongst the Dead’ while simultaneously announcing loose plans to begin work on a full-length next year. ‘Two Alive’ continues the EP’s trend of delivering unforgivingly heavy metalcore in satisfyingly condensed arrangements. Try your best not to spin-kick your desk in half within the first ten seconds of the intro. You’ll need that energy for the breakdown.

Donny Benét “Multiply”

Donny Benét is the kind of guy that’ll make you eggs. One of our writers even went as far as to say that this guy would totally make us a Grand Slam style breakfast if we included his dreamy new single ‘Multiply’ in this week’s column. Donny, if you’re reading this, we love the silky sweet sounds of your Yacht Rock slap bass. Please get in touch about the aforementioned Grand Slam style breakfast. You have 24 hours.

Basement Jaxx & 100 Gecs “where’s my head at_”

If you’re one of the seemingly millions of people to catch 100 Gecs on tour recently, you’ve probably been wondering when the hell they were planning to release their remix of Basement Jaxx’s “Where’s Your Head At?” The answer is apparently: a couple of days ago. While the track never strays incredibly far from the original, it will make you think your speakers are broken or your eardrums have ruptured, both of which are likely outcomes of listening to any track by the duo.

Megan Thee Stallion “Cobra (Rock Remix) [feat. Spiritbox]”

In case you missed it – which of course you did, you tasteless nerd – Megan Thee Stallion teamed up with Canadian heavy-metal outfit Spiritbox to deliver a ‘rock remix’ of her new single ‘Cobra.’ The resulting track goes harder than anything has a right to. While the original already features some serious riffage, Spiritbox manages to absolutely obliterate the arrangement placing it firmly in the realm of early aughts nu-metal but, like, good.

Many Eyes “Mystic Cord”

If you aren’t immediately strutting in circles around your living room within the first two beats of this song, call 911 because you might be dead. Keith Buckley’s new project Many Eyes is back with their second single ‘Mystic Cord.’ It’s a barnburner of a track that harkens back to Every Time I Die’s grittier hardcore leanings while still managing to look toward the future. While more straightforward than last-month’s debut single, ‘Revelation,’ ‘Mystic Cord’ still packs a wallop that is sure to bode well for the impending full-length.

boygenius, Ye Vagabonds “The Parting Glass”

In case seasonal depression hasn’t already ripped your fragile psyche apart, boygenius has teamed up with Irish folk duo Ye Vagabonds for an absolutely heartbreaking rendition of the Scottish and Irish traditional ballad “The Parting Glass,” which was famously recorded by Sinead O’Connor in 2002. As part of Phoebe Bridgers’ long-running series of charitable holiday covers, all proceeds from the single will support the Aisling Project, an organization chosen by O’Connor’s estate. If you’re already having a teary afternoon, proceed with caution on this one.

André 3000 “That Night in Hawaii When I Turned into a Panther and Started Making These Low Register Purring Tones That I Couldn’t Control … Sh¥t Was Wild”

In this week’s ‘what the actual fuck?’ news: André 3000, one of the greatest rappers of all time, broke a seventeen-year period of silence – with the exception of a guest spot here and there – to release an album that consists entirely of… ambient drone flute instrumentals. It’s a bold move, and one only he could convincingly make. Perhaps it’s not the album we wanted, but in the hyperchaos of today’s news cycle that pelts us with horror after horror, it might just be the album we need. It’s also a way better pivot than that time you quit your hardcore band to start an alt-country project.

Playlists are hard to make, and we know you’re too defeated by your own taste to search for these songs yourself. That’s why we made a playlist that features all of them, plus a whole shitload more. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you have a finger on the pulse of modern alternative music.