Thanksgiving! A great way to kick off the season of spending dreadful amounts of time with your relatives, making small talk and pretending to have more going on in your life than you do.
Limiting these interactions to family members isn’t enough–Why not do this with friends? Turns out it actually sucks. Here are 25 things to bring to Friendsgiving because you’re definitely not trying to never have to go again.
Unless this is a sober event, there is no way that this wouldn’t go over well. Doesn’t matter if it’s cheap beer either: beer is beer. You really thought this would get you uninvited for the years to come? Idiot. If you keep the case to yourself, maybe you can get trashed enough to cause a scene that would warrant your friends cutting you off. This isn’t likely though.
24. Paper Plates
Friendsgiving isn’t your elementary school holiday party but, boy, are you treating it like it is. You’re doing the bare minimum to participate–Only saving the host from having to do any dishes. If this is your contribution, you’re probably a bad enough cook that your friends are secretly relieved you chose this option.
23. Boxed Mac and Cheese
It’s fine enough, but still shows how little you care. Avoid putting it into a nice casserole dish to prevent anyone from even considering you made it from scratch. Hell, don’t even make it till you get there. Instead, take up as much space in the host’s kitchen as possible preparing such a simple “dish.”
22. Leftover Halloween Candy
Apparently no one lets their kid trick or treat anymore. It’s much safer to teach your children to go up to strangers’ cars and ask for candy. Makes sense. You didn’t get this memo though and have three bags of candy left over after you only got 3 trick-or-treaters. People will enjoy having a piece or two, but will most likely be annoyed you didn’t bring a more well-thought-out contribution.
21. Canned Cranberry Sauce
Don’t refrigerate it beforehand! This item is best served after sitting in a hot car for a few days. If you really want to leave your friends unimpressed, steal an expired can of it from your parent’s pantry that has been there since 2007. If this doesn’t destroy your friendships, it will at least destroy your GI tract.
20. Your Gen-Alpha Nephew
He’s not that unbearable. But he is annoying enough that your sister asked you to watch him while she goes to Cabo for the holiday. You and your friends will not know what a “Skibidi toilet” is but will surely be aware that it is a thing by the end of the evening.
A controversial side dish, but necessary for a complete Thanksgiving. Bringing this will be a choice that no one will think twice about. Maybe rethink this if you’re really looking to get out of attending again. Even if no one likes it, it’s gotta be there. Just like you next year.
Weed is too normalized now. Even your boring friends will be asking you for a hit if you smoke at the function. Smoke beforehand and throw a bottle of poppers in your pocket. Take enough hits and your unaware friends will assume you can get addicted to them and stay away.
17. A Pack of Pall Malls
If the poppers weren’t alienating enough, pull these out. Not only are you smoking cigs in front of your lame friends, you’re smoking the worst option. Don’t go outside for your smoke break: Find the perfect break in conversation at the dinner table and light up. Look as cool and mysterious as possible while the host yells that now they won’t get their lease deposit back. Both you and your lungs won’t regret it!
16. Green Bean Casserole
A dish that is no one’s favorite but always there. Unseasoned, bland, and tasteless: 3 words to describe both this dish and potentially you. Don’t make an event of it, just bring your casserole. Don’t announce this dish or your presence if you can avoid it. Your friends will forget you’re there–just like this casserole. Hopefully, they’ll forget to invite you back too.
15. A Selfie Stick
Your friends left their selfie sticks in 2013 and will surely leave you in 2023 if you do it right. Invite everyone to take as many group selfies (perhaps be bold enough to call them “Usies”) as possible. Hell, use it to vlog the entire event. For best results, make sure to “accidentally” wack as many attendees with it as possible.
14. Cards Against Humanity
Bringing Cards Against Humanity is a true crime against humanity in 2023. No amount of alcohol can force your friends to stifle laughter at the same 4 cards again. Your friends will agree to play because they feel bad but the conversation will shift before the first round is even done.
13. Body Odor
Quit showering ASAP! It’s the easiest way to bring a foul odor and make sure your friends know it’s coming from you. They won’t bring it up while you’re there, but it’ll be sure to spark a debate in a separate group chat on whether or not you should be invited back to any event–or if a personal hygiene intervention is needed.
12. Creamed Corn
You psychopath–Who the fuck eats this? The last thing anyone thinks while eating corn is, “Man, I wish this were milkier!” It’s a labor of love to make, but in this case you can replace the love with disdain for your friends’ stories about their life. You don’t need to hear about them dressing as Barbie for Halloween–and next year they won’t need you to attend Friendsgiving.
11. Knowledge Of How Football Works
No one gives a shit about your fantasy league. Or whatever unoriginal punishment you’ve decided on for the loser. Even more so, no one actually cares to know what you think about every play of the game–So make sure to voice every thought!
10. Now That’s What I Call Christmas! On 8-Track
They don’t even make this on 8-track. But if you’re truly dedicated, throw it on one yourself. It’s a surefire way to look simultaneously pretentious and tasteless. When the host ultimately doesn’t have an 8-track player, spend the rest of the party complaining about how it’d be so much better with “Winter Wonderland” playing in the background to truly get in the spirit of the coming season.
This one is a risky choice, as it could go either way, depending on how you choose to prepare them–done in earnest or in an attempt to give your friends food poisoning. If you’re careless enough about food safety, the latter could occur anyway. Either way, you’ll be talked about.
8. Chunky Mashed Potatoes
Have you ever put the utmost care into preparing the perfect, lumpless, dish of mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving? Yeah, don’t fucking do that here. Forget everything you were taught. Hell, just take a hammer and hit the potato once and call it a day. Don’t even bother cooking it. The message will be received.
7. Prison Wine
Three days before the event, you’re gonna want to start preparing this in your closet. The less you spend on ingredients, the better. Make sure to text the group chat for the event that you’ll be bringing plenty of wine–freshly bottled locally–and that no one else will need to provide any. If all your friends don’t die of botulism, they will make sure they don’t give you the opportunity to give it to them again.
6. Beanie Babies
Your beloved nest egg! Thank god you’ve kept them all these years–Or just bought a sack of them for 5 dollars off of Craigslist this morning, purely for this bit. Brag about how you’re gonna make even more than the tech bros and their precious NFTs. Beanie Babies are tangible and meaningful–unlike your relationship with your friends if you’re this desperate to avoid seeing them.
5. Any Kind of Jello Salad
Call your midwestern mom! After a four-hour-long phone call filled with questions on why you don’t call more, why your hair looks like that, and gossip about a woman you’ve never met, you’ll be left with at least 4 horrendous jello salad recipe options. It doesn’t matter which one you choose: No one will touch it anyway.
4. A DVD Filled With Footage of People Being Hit By Trains
As the festivities wind down and conversation lulls, people will be wondering when they can politely leave. Pop this into the DVD player and people will start throwing up all over the place! Make sure you point out every time a guy’s head gets knocked off, this will ensure nobody ever talks to you again.
3. Protein Powder
Is it too late to start on New Year’s resolutions–Or too early? Spend the evening bragging about your so-called fitness journey. Photoshop a before and after pic. Dry scoop from your tub of protein powder and do a measly three pushups in front of all your friends. No one wants to hear about it, but they’ll surely watch and listen.
2. A Need For Money
No one likes a mooch. If you’ve already asked your friends for money in the past without repaying them, this will be easy. If not, improvising this will be fine. Have a crazy new idea that you have no intention of following through with? Act as desperate for funding as possible. Your friends might get annoyed and ignore your advances. Or, if they do invest, a year will be long enough for them to be mad about getting nothing out of their investment.
1. The Host’s Ex
Possibly the easiest way out–but requires a bit of planning. If the host has enough beef with their ex, it’ll be easy to get them in on your plan. If not, you’ll have to make time for some dates or hangouts prior to convince them to attend the Friendsgiving with you. Executing this successfully won’t make your friends hesitate to stop talking to you. Forget not being invited back next year, they’ll be happy to see you go before the meal is even over.