Spotify Says Laid-Off Employees Can Keep Jobs if They Switch to No-Compensation-With-Ads Plan

Posted on by Max Barth

NEW YORK — Spotify CEO Daniel Ek announced that the company would be laying off one-sixth of its workforce, though affected employees were offered an alternative to unemployment: keep working, for free, and listen to advertisements every six and a half minutes.

“While we are saddened to lose so many members of our world-class team, we’re delighted to push the boundaries of the modern workplace to better suit all,” said the billionaire Ek, reached for comment in his underwater pleasure dome somewhere in the North Atlantic. “This new no-compensation-plus-ads model will do to employment what our streaming music model did to music. Eventually, all of our employees will be under a similar agreement, other than the executive level workers of course. The higher-ups will be part of a Premium Plan that will include unlimited vacation, bonuses, and stock options. Which is more than reasonable.”

Sally Britten, a payments specialist in Spotify’s New York office, is one of the roughly eight hundred workers whose paid positions are to be cut in lieu of the “ad-supported zero compensation” model.

“I’ve worked here for six years, and I’m really disappointed,” said Britten. “I mean, this quarter our business grew dramatically. My team helped grow our subscriber base by millions, our digital team launched an AI that can reliably write and upload Minnesota hardcore and we successfully cut payments to artists to the lowest level ever seen. It just feels like the bosses don’t appreciate the irreplaceable value of the labor we do to their business model.”

An advertising professional, granted anonymity to discuss internal affairs at the company, is optimistic that many of those laid off will choose to stay and embrace the new employment model.

“I mean, think about how great it’s going to be. You’re in your office, trying to figure out the perfect ‘ASMR for Pets With Allergies’ playlist when you have to shut everything off and listen to me pitch exciting opportunities like Stamps.com to you, again,” said the mysterious advertiser. “And then at the end of the two weeks, you don’t get a paycheck at all. I mean, call us crazy, but who wouldn’t love that?”

As of press time, Spotify confirmed they would also be removing all bassist-led side projects from the service to further cut costs.

Photo by Magnus Höij.

Every Saves the Day Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

The emo-adjacent band known as Saves the Day has other songs not called “At Your Funeral,” and no, they don’t only have one album; Saves the Day has NINE full-length LPs. The toxic wasteland known as New Jersey, The Garden State that has more pesticides than one man can count, surprisingly was the epicenter of a scene in the late ‘90s/early aughts with bands like Lifetime, Thursday, The Dillinger Escape Plan, and Led Zeppelin leading the charge. Sincerity sells, and Saves the Day came out of the gates swinging hard with their consistently revered debut album “Can’t Slow Down.” Today we go through all their studio albums and rank them perfectly top to bottom.

9. 9 (2018)

This may sound harsh, but we only hurt the ones that we love, and we ADORE Saves the Day: We’ll never get the time back that we lost listening to the band’s ninth album called, err, “9,” and not only does said LP have ZERO replay value, but The Beatles’ oft-maligned “Revolution 9” is like “Bohemian Rhapsody” compared to “9” as a whole. In addition, the album even has a lazy title. Still, “29” is ambitious, and long STD, yes, STD, songs are great, and we reference one more later that is near the top of their heap. Basically, we like to pretend that STD only has 8 albums. This album’s lasting power is showcased by the fact that despite there being nine songs on “9,” only one single exists, the ok at best “Rendezvous,” which is buried as the eighth track.

Play it again: “29”
Skip it: Most of it

8. Under the Boards (2007)

Now we’re at the point of this piece wherein we mention Saves the Day’s first good album to be discussed here: “Under the Boards,” STD’s sixth album, and second installment in the “Sound The Alarm”/”Under The Boards”/”Daybreak” trilogy is good, but not great, so in a movie analogy y’all will get or won’t, it is less “The Empire Strikes Back” and more “Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment.” If you had a chance to go to the band’s co-headlining tour with eventual Two Tongues collaborators Say Anything in 2007, you caught wind of something emotionally epic in all of the good ways, and we’re jealous of you unless you were getting messed up on your Blackberries the whole time because you are woefully turning over in your tomb on a lonely getaway. Thankfully, the trilogy would end with a BANG with the next one, “Daybreak”.

Play it again: “Can’t Stay the Same”
Skip it: about ⅓ of it

7. Self-Titled (2013)

Saves the Day’s eighth full-length studio album is self-titled for a reason, as it was a concise back-to-basics record after the polarizing trilogy. Thankfully it’s still so much better than your crappy and derivative shoegaze band; call it quits, ladies and gents. Ain’t no kind of love like the kind we have for Saves the Day, and the band was extra generous by supplying ring pops, grapefruits, stars, and vegemite to the “emo” block party of 2013, a year that will forever live in infamy. Critics large and small from inferior publications ate this up, and fans did as well, as “Saves the Day” reintroduced the band as sort of elder melodic hardcore, or “post-hardcore,” if you’re feeling nasty.

Play it again: “Xenophobic Blind Left Hook”
Skip it: Just under ⅓ of it

6. Can’t Slow Down (1998)

Handsome boy, we know, this debut effort from Saves the Day should be the silver or gold medalist winner here, but that just shows how much good music Saves the Day has produced. Despite the fact that “Can’t Slow Down” is a solid AF debut for ANY band, it didn’t even qualify for the Olympics at the turn of last century; sorry, Jodie, we don’t care how tall you are. We love this one, but the best part of it is its eventual follow-up, “Through Being Cool,” and it’s quite interesting to hear the band in seemingly adolescent on the cusp of puberty form here. Still, “Three Miles Down,” and several others here are god tier, and we implore you to revisit “Can’t Slow Down” with fresh 2023 ears, and not as fresh 1998 lower backs.

Play it again: “Three Miles Down”
Skip it: “Hot Time in Delaware”

5. Sound the Alarm (2006)

The first installment in Saves the Day’s eventual trilogy, is an angry punk AF masterpiece and a great post-major label effort. Easily their heaviest record, one can hear the pain and grit on any speaker unless it is from your great aunt Marla’s Edsel. Anyway, re-signing with Vagrant Records, the band’s home for their third and blockbuster LP “Stay What You Are,” seemed to be, for lack of a better word, a more than sound move, and the record debuted at number FOUR on the US Billboard Independent Albums chart, and had a song on the Madden ‘07 soundtrack, showing the world at large that people still gave a damn about this rough and tumble band, and you are delusional, despite said word being the worst song on “Sound the Alarm.”

Play it again: “Eulogy”
Skip it: “Delusional”

4. Daybreak (2011)

“The Godfather Part III” is the worst entry in the epic AF Godfather trilogy, but “Daybreak,” record #3 in STD’s trilogy, defied the odds set by many multi-volume movies and ended with a firework display of awesome. Easily the most slept on Saves the Day LP, the record started with a top ten STD song known as the title track, and it is kind of a combination of Radiohead’s epic “Paranoid Android, NOFX’s perfect “The Decline,” The Beatles’ anthemic “Hey Jude,” and Anal Cunt’s acoustic campfire sing along “Radio Hit.” “Daybreak” is lucky #7 for Saves the Day, and their co-headlining run on this record with Bayside, and I Am the Avalanche in the support slots was one for the books. Also, this is their lone record with Razor & Tie, home to Kidz Bop and Kidz Full Stop. Living without love must suck, nighttime chameleons.

Play it again: “Daybreak”
Skip it: “U”

3. In Reverie (2003)

In (reverie and) a perfect world, this LP, Saves the Day’s fourth effort, “In Reverie,” would’ve been the proper indie label follow-up to “Through Being Cool,” and the band’s third album “Stay What You Are” would have been their major label debut, but that was not how the cookies crumbled for STD. What went wrong? A lot! For one, it was a major departure like Panic without an exclamation point at the Disco’s also-Beatles-esque “Pretty. Odd.” which likely alienated a lot of emo hearts like yours, and with even more additional mishaps like the label shift from DreamWorks to Interscope Records, the then-scrappy five-piece likely got lost in the conglomerate shuffle. We heard that Tom DeLonge advised the band to sign with a major after “Through Being Cool,” and we stan that thought very much! Still, “Anywhere with You” is a hell of a single and opener.

Play it again: “Anywhere With You”
Skip it: “Monkey”

2. Stay What You Are (2001)

Because of this breakout record, and the fanfare from its two predecessors, blink-182 and Green Day took Saves the Day out on the Pop Disaster Tour for half of its dates, and Jimmy Eat World for the other 50%. “Stay What You Are” is now amongst the higher-selling LPs in the genre, and the band will likely be playing approximately ⅓-⅖ of its songs at every STD show in perpetuity. Also, the band is happily playing this one front to back at 2024’s When We Were Young music festival, appearing with the aforementioned Jimmy Eat World as they play their perfect “Bleed American” LP in its entirety, and Brokencyde whilst they rock and roll through their debut effort “I’m Not a Fan, But the Kids Like It!”

Play it again: Stay WHERE you are and listen to it all
Skip it: Being what you are

1. Through Being Cool (1999)

Saves the Day’s polar opposite of a sophomore slump is without hesitation or hyperbole, one of the best records of the ‘90s. When one thinks of that tranistiional decade it’s usually grunge and even swing music that comes to mind, but “Through Being Cool” is too good to overlook, and the band blazes through twelve tracks at thirty-three minutes and twenty-two seconds in a manner that will be pretty much unrivaled forever. Thanks to Steve Evetts, and mega hugs are in order for the then-lineup of Chris “topher” Conley on vocals and not guitar, Bryan “Hello” Newman on drums, Eben “Son of Friend” D’Amico on bass, Ted “dy” Alexander on rhythm guitar, and David “I Killed Goliath With My Sling And Positive Mental Attitude,” of which Conley is the only current member. Kisses to Arun Bali, Rodrigo Palma, and Claudio Rivera as well.

Play it again: “Through Being Cool”
Skip it: “9”

Gen X Vegan Enraged Meat Alternatives Now Almost Taste Good

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

SEATTLE — Local 52-year-old man and longtime vegan James McMorgan is reportedly furious that the currently available meat alternatives kind of taste halfway decent now, sources about to have a cardiac event confirmed.

“These fucking little spoiled brats these days have no idea what it was like. I had a fried chik’n sandwich at some trendy cafe the other day, and it was legitimately good,” said a fuming McMorgan. “Can you believe that shit? Not only did it vaguely resemble meat, it had the right taste and texture and everything. I almost enjoyed myself. Veganism is not about that. It’s about being rigid, judgemental, and most of all, hating everything you’ve eaten for the past 27 years. Young people are ruining everything the movement stands for with this shit.”

One of the “young people” in question is college student and vegan Morinda Williams.

“I don’t really get why so many people still eat real meat and cheese,” said Williams while posting a vegan chili recipe she made while wearing an incredibly low-cut shirt to TikTok. “Everything is like, so close to the real thing. You can barely tell the difference. I hear older vegans complain about how good my generation has it, and like, why be mad? If stuff is actually delicious, maybe more people will be tempted to go vegan. One old dude keeps accosting me in my comments telling me that I ‘don’t get how bad TVP was.’ What even is TVP? Sounds like a banned chemical in vapes or something.”

Vegan historian and dietitian Lucy Doyle explained that the cultural divide between new and old vegans is in line with what she’s studied.

“Older people within any subculture will find themselves complaining about ‘kids these days’ regardless of context,” Doyle said solemnly. “Whether it’s about music, the economy, or hell, television, the older the person is, the more enraged they will become at the younger generation for having it easier. With Gen X vegans in particular, so much of their identity is wrapped up in being militant and unpleasant, the mere thought of an enjoyable meat-like entree simply sends them into spasms resembling psychosis. Though, to be fair, tofu dishes from the 90s were absolute dogshit.”

At press time, McMorgan was seen vandalizing the frozen meatless section at this local Target as an act of protest.

Six Normal Life Tasks that Are Now Viral TikTok Challenges

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Social media trends come and go so quickly it’s hard to know what the hell is cool anymore. When it comes to TikTok, entire memes and trends will pass you by if you blink at the wrong time. Fortunately, our society’s need to commoditize and gamify every waking second of existence has allowed even the most mundane tasks to become a series of challenges and dares.

Making Small Talk with Your Neighbor

Try the Chit Chat Challenge. You’ve lived next to your neighbor for two years and still don’t know his name, so can you converse with them for more than three minutes? The hardest part is the phrases, “Nice weather we’re having” and “Did you catch the game last night?” are strictly forbidden. Bonus points if you can record the interaction without making it look like you’re about to run to the HOA and accuse them of stealing your mail.

Try and Look Cool Dancing at Your Second Cousin’s Wedding

Do you have what it takes to impress a room full of family members that you haven’t seen in a decade? This is more of a challenge for millennials who have no idea what artists the DJ is playing, so unless you plan on doing the “running man” for three hours straight you better bring your A-game.

Boiling a Pot of Water

There is a shocking number of legal adults who do not know how to boil water. In the name of all that is holy, it’s two fucking steps. Each day we are inching closer to midnight on the Idiocracy doomsday clock and may soon find ourselves wondering again if the sun revolves around the Earth. In the name of all that is holy just prove that you can make macaroni and cheese.

Taking a Nap Because You’re Tired, Not Because You’re Depressed

Everyone has failed this challenge. Don’t even bother, it doesn’t matter.

Driving Alone for 30 Minutes with No Music or Podcasts

Hey, remember being alone with your thoughts? Try recording yourself driving to work or whatever destination causes you the most stress without a podcast about dead white women or the same album you’re been listening to since you were 17. You might finally figure out how to get your life together, but there have been a few challengers who’ve tried this and gone insane. Remember: if you stare into the interstate, the interstate stares back.

Spend Less than $300 at the Grocery Store

Jesus once said that man cannot survive on bread alone, but that was before it cost $7 a loaf. Since it costs half a paycheck if you want produce not seasoned by pesticides, those who’ve answered the challenge have found nifty life hacks to stretch their budget. Spoiler alert: it’s shoplifting.

Man Horrified to Learn He’s Spent Last 30 Seconds Rocking Out to Spotify Ad for Dude Wipes

Posted on by Matt Husser

SEATTLE — Local man Tom Perry was absolutely disgusted after he learned he spent roughly 30 seconds rocking out to a Spotify ad for “Dude Wipes” at a house party, sources in the room confirm.

“The playlist was on shuffle and the song was so convincing, it sounded like some Creed song so I started singing along. It wasn’t until after I sang ‘Can you wipe me higher? To a place where my heinie is clean?’ in the Scott Stapp voice that I realized it was a parody ad for Dude Wipes,” said Perry, dabbing his tears with a Dude Wipe he purchased later that day. “It’s not my fault, there’s no way I could have known. I mean, what kind of a monster puts on a playlist on Spotify with ads at a house party?”

Perry’s friend Alex Turner watched in horror as his friend humiliated himself with his singalong in front of the entire party.

“I feel awful for Tom, he even held up his iPhone trying to Shazam the song before I could stop him,” said Turner, sending his friend a supportive text. “I told him the ads are really kind of good these days and this sort of thing happens all the time, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that it happened to me too. I’m just glad no one was around when I got tricked by an ad for erectile dysfunction medication, because rapping ‘I got 99 problems but a soft dick ain’t one’ isn’t a memory I want to share.”

While hapless consumers continue to fall for the catchy marketing songs, one Spotify executive revealed it was all part of their sinister marketing strategy.

“You think it’s just a coincidence that every Spotify ad song just happens to be an insidious earworm for the most embarrassing products imaginable? No, this is all part of our marketing ploy to coerce our customers to buy a premium subscription to save themselves from future embarrassment,” said Spotify VP of Marketing Perry Sinclair. “You should have seen our subscriptions skyrocket after our infamous ‘Sir Mix-a-Lot—Tushy Bidet’ collab.”

At press time, Perry was seen furiously Googling Imagine Dragons songs featured in advertisements to make sure he hadn’t accidentally enjoyed their music in any form.

Top 20 Joy Division Songs That Were Really a Bad Idea to Play at Your Niece’s Eighth Birthday Party

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Joy Division is an absolutely legendary band, but for some reason, third graders can’t quite wrap this concept around their prepubescent minds. That’s why it felt like a good move to play a few JD tracks at little Maiya’s eighth birthday party this year as a teachable moment for them. But unfortunately, here are the 20 Joy Division songs that were a terrible idea to put on during a child’s birthday party. (Listen along to the playlist)

20. “Atrocity Exhibition” (1980)

You would think a bunch of eight-year-olds would at least have a little bit of music taste, like this six-minute opening track that is equivalent to an A24 slow burn where grief was the enemy the whole time. But no, they just want to hear JoJo Siwa. Again.

19. “The Eternal” (1980)

Of all the Joy Division tracks that make you want to walk alone in a dark and foggy forest while thinking about how all of life is suffering until death but perhaps meaninglessness isn’t so bad if you embrace it, this one takes the cake. Try explaining this to a bunch of eight-year-olds though.

18. “Interzone” (1979)

No one at this party is wearing one of those squiggly line Joy Division shirts, so it’s really difficult to spot fans of this band. But judging by everyone’s reaction to this song, it appears none of the children have even heard of them. Clearly bad parenting, when my sister was pregnant I told her she wouldn’t make a good mother, this proves it.

17. “Twenty Four Hours” (1980)

The cover of Joy Division’s second album “Closer” isn’t nearly as iconic as their first one. But to these kids, no Joy Division album cover is recognizable no matter how many times you show them Google images of them while everyone is eating cake.

16. “Insight” (1979)

This song may start slow, but about halfway through there are sounds of what appears to be lasers being fired at a dramatic and unrelenting rate. Doing the finger gun thing to pantomime them seemed like a good idea at the time. But the side-eye looks and sneering by the entire party make it seem like it was not.

15. “Heart and Soul” (1980) 

Putting on this song will only frighten the children because it sounds like the entrance music for a vampire. This is not as badass as it appears to be. Kids are historically anti-monster.

14. “Wilderness” (1979)

This one has a little groove to it, but don’t let that fool you. These kids are smarter than being tricked by post-punk. Not to mention, it still doesn’t pair well with jumping in a bouncy castle and ball pit. Children typically have weird standards for social gatherings.

13. “A Means to an End” (1980)

After singer Ian Curtis passed away, the surviving members of the band went on to have a ton of success as New Order. Unfortunately, not even the adults seem to care about this kind of music history. This why you shouldn’t talk to anyone at a party.

12. “Decades” (1980)

For some reason, the kids at this event seem to respond to music that is energetic and upbeat, and lie down to take a nap almost immediately when they hear songs like “Decades.” It’s like they’re seeing something Joy Division fans aren’t.

11. “Atmosphere” (1980)

This track could totally work at the party if you just changed the music, lyrics, vocals, production, song structure, and overall aesthetic. It’s only a few dozen tweaks away from being beloved on a national level.

10. “These Days” (1980)

Losing aux cord privileges at a child’s eighth birthday isn’t the worst thing in the world. But having kids laugh and point at you for having objectively irredeemable music taste can be devastating. Why does this keep happening?

9. “New Dawn Fades” (1979)

There’s a nice little build to this song that went completely over the heads of these kids, which doesn’t make sense because they all went nuts when someone played Taylor Swift. Could it be that the general public likes T-Swift more than Joy Division? I don’t believe it.

8. “Shadowplay” (1979)

Oh great, the parents hosting this party hired Disney princess impersonators and all the girls are losing their collective shits over them. I was hoping for more a more Nosferstu vibe. Joy Division and Disney just don’t go as well together as one would think.

7. “She’s Lost Control” (1979)

Just because you figured out how to get this exact percussion sound on your electric drum set doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to provide a live demonstration while everyone is singing the “Happy Birthday” song. I don’t get it either.

6. “Dead Souls” (1979)

Telling everyone that you are going to put on a song called “Dead Souls” probably does not make for a good first impression at this kind of event. But hey, at least you’ll never be invited to another family-friendly function again, whether you like it or not.

5. “Isolation” (1980)

This one has a cool little synth thing throughout the track. That might remind the kids of something more mainstream like Gary Numan or Depeche Mode. But it turns out, these little snots don’t even know who they are. They have so much to learn and there’s so little time to educate them at this party.

4.“Digital” (1980)

Remember that meme of the guy in the corner of the party saying “they don’t know that I’m a (fill in the blank)” and the other partygoers are dancing and having a good time anyway? This is what it feels like being a public Joy Division fan at a party mainly targeting elementary school kids.

3. “Transmission” (1979)

There’s video evidence of Ian Curtis doing a weird little dance where he pulsates frantically and almost flails his arms as if they were independent from his body. This is not what the children expected to see after you said, “Hey kids, want to see something cool?”

2. “Love Will Tear Us Apart (1980)

So, you went into this party saying to yourself, “Don’t be the weird uncle who talks about Joy Division the whole time” but you still did it anyway, you sick fuck. It is a quick reminder that you’re better off listening to this band by yourself where you are completely isolated from the rest of civilization, so you don’t ruin any more cheerful vibes.

1. “Disorder” (1979)

Bassist Peter Hook is a bit of a legend with his signature style of playing really high up on the instrument. But encouraging our youth of today to embrace anything higher up than the sixth fret on a bass seems more difficult than it sounds, especially to eight-year-olds who are more interested in unicorns. Bunch of losers.

Listen along to the playlist:

Alt Rock Band Hoping for a Big Hit So They Can Whine About Playing It

Posted on by Liam Stephenson

SEATTLE — Legendary underground band Vomit Asylum admitted they would love to break through to the mainstream with a song adored by the masses that the band resents playing live, sources confirmed.

“All the coolest bands hate their most popular songs,” said Vomit Asylum lead singer Sage Harpoon, chugging a mango Red Bull. “It’s part of being an alternative band – you make no money for a decade, get a hit song, and throw a hissy fit when a sold-out Crypto.com arena doesn’t know any of the deeper album cuts. Take Radiohead, for example. Every time they play ‘Creep,’ Thom Yorke looks like a sad criminal awaiting his beheading. The same goes for R.E.M. Michael Stipe hangs his shiny, sad head anytime ‘Shiny Happy People’ is even mentioned. Kurt Cobain looked like he’d rather be doing heroin than playing ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit.’ I think that’s just cause he was addicted to heroin, though.”

Ian Kregg, a Vomit Asylum groupie that follows the group’s tour van along the West Coast, couldn’t want anything less.

“They haven’t even sold out yet and they are already sellouts in my book,” exclaimed Kregg, also chugging a mango Redbull. “What happened to the artistry? What happened to integrity? I remember when they couldn’t even afford amps. Hell, when they played gigs on my aunt Darlene’s patio, all you could hear was drums and the crowd booing. Man, those were the golden days. Hell, I remember when they couldn’t afford INSTRUMENTS. They would go on stage and hum their parts. That’s punk rock. Sadness and financial instability.”

Record executives, on the other hand, are clueless as to why bands like Vomit Asylum might resent their popular songs.

“Yeah, maybe we force modern bands to upload sped up, slowed down, remixed, shortened, extended, clean, dirty, nightcore, and 3/4 jazz swing versions of their hit song to TikTok,” admitted Geffen Records executive Jeff Waddacash. “But that’s the business! Music isn’t about notes and melodies, it’s about numbers and graphs and shit. If you’re not on a curated Spotify playlist like ‘RapCaviar’ or ‘Grimace’s Indie Slutfest’ then you’re basically burning your label’s money. Plus every artist has to have a goddamn fast food item now. That’s why our recently signed band Vomit Asylum will be teaming up with Wendy’s for the all-new ‘Vomit Value Meal.” The meal comes with 50 spicy nuggets, a half-eaten Frosty, and a menthol cigarette.”

At press time, everyone in Vomit Asylum admitted they were disappointed when they didn’t die at age 27.

Drone Metal Fan Hearing Slurpee Machine in the Distance Wonders “What Band Is This?!”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley was recently seen in his neighborhood gas station murmuring, “What band is this?” as a Slurpee machine hummed in the distance, sources reported.

“I was browsing Combo flavors when this faint, almost celestial sound caught my ear. I wandered around the store, utterly intrigued. There were no speakers in sight, but I was convinced that B flat was emanating from a vintage Orange amp,” Riley recalled fondly. “I kept asking myself, ‘What album is this?’ The woman behind the counter had no clue what I was talking about. Shazam had no idea, either. I never did find out what it was, but to this day, I’m still convinced it’s an undiscovered masterpiece.”

Rhea Rivas, the bewildered clerk, finally figured out what was going on.

“Almost once a week, some long-haired man in a black t-shirt, occasionally a cloak, would ask me about the music. I never play music in here. We don’t even have a sound system. For the longest time, I wondered what the hell they were talking about,” said Rivas. “It didn’t click until the day the Slurpee machine broke down. Suddenly, these cloaked figures stopped browsing aimlessly and instead just grabbed their Full Throttles quickly and left in silence. I still can’t fathom how the dull hum that haunts my dreams can be mistaken for music.”

Shepherd Duncan, a drone metal luminary famous for his album “Grimoire of the Fallow Earth 7: The Serpent’s Apple Builds Temptation in Eden’s Grift,” found this story oddly relatable.

“I’ve never shared this before, but ‘7’ was not purely my own creation. It just came to me one day. It was actually inspired by the frozen food section at the Trader Joe’s near my house. The first time I heard it, I was sure it was some divine inspiration. But no, it was just the freezer humming alongside the vegan sausage alternatives,” Duncan revealed. “I returned with a tape recorder, then tried to recreate every detail in the studio. That’s how I recorded the album that will surely headline my obituary. I owe it all to that freezer.”

At press time, Riley was seen sneaking a white noise machine out of his toddler’s room, frantically switching settings in the hope of recreating this so-called “masterpiece.”

How To Make It Clear I’m Wearing a Blazer With Jeans in a Post-Punk Way Not a 2012 Business Casual Way

Posted on by Ellie Fitzpatrick

When I put on my outfit this morning, I really thought I looked fantastic. Black skinny jeans, Chelsea boots, button-down shirt, skinny-tie, slouchy blazer with the sleeves rolled up. But when I stepped into the produce aisle, my ego was shattered when a woman in an infinity scarf gave me a knowing nod. Someone else asked me if it was mock trial season already. No one understood that I wore a full suit to Walmart as a post-ironic neo-mod statement.

Christ, do you people even know about Public Image LTD? When was the last time you twerked to Big Audio Dynamite?

I’m really not asking for much. I just want to look cool enough to not get cropped out of a group shot in “Stop Making Sense.” I look like I’m president of The Young Libertarian club. Every time I get a haircut there’s a very fine line between Paul Weller and Debbie the middle-aged divorcee. I tried to do a little makeup for an androgynous, new-wave look, but everyone I spoke to kept complimenting me for “expressing femininity in the workplace.” My Elvis Costello-inspired glasses are making strangers ask if I’ve seen New Girl. I don’t know, have you seen “The Young Ones?”

The 2000s ruined it all—80s nostalgia made a bunch of cool stuff lame. Remember when SNL was edgy and alternative? Fucking millennials. “Defending pop punk” used to mean upholding the legacy of The Buzzcocks and The Undertones. Anemic-looking white boys singing about their exes just haven’t been the same since Y2K. Skinny jeans used to mean something. One day I’m going to hunt down The Strokes. They did this to me.

Look, trends are cyclical, right? Mark your calendars, 2024 is going to be the biggest year for post-punk since 1982- David Byrne’s already getting a revival, so it can only go up from here! Taylor Swift is going to release a synth-driven album with a guest appearance from Thomas Dolby—he was basically the Ice Spice of the 80s, right? XTC are going to reunite, and they’re going to tour in the United States for all 37 of their Midwestern fans. Craig will let me play music at parties again. All my friends will finally watch 24 Hour Party People with me.

God, I would have been so fucking cool in Manchester in 1979. Tony Wilson would have loved me.

Ten Songs We Listened To This Week To Distract Our Friends From How Dumb Our Wrapped Looked

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

You’ve survived another holiday and spent the entire week scouring the internet for deals on things you otherwise wouldn’t think to buy on a normal day. While your retail therapy provided you with a high you never thought would wane, you find yourself staring into the Ultra-HD void of your new TV and feeling absolutely nothing. This is because material objects will never make up for the fact that your life is duller than a plastic takeout knife. Before you consider doing something drastic like reading a book or attending a singles mixer, you might want to consider music.

Music has been proven to increase both dopamine and serotonin levels in the brain, while simultaneously giving listeners the illusion of having a fully formed personality. Thanks to most art forms being commodified to the point of total irrelevancy, it’s also one of the cheapest things to get into. Because we know picking what to listen to is overwhelming, we’ve taken the time to compile ten tracks to get you out of your seemingly insurmountable rut. (Listen along to the full playlist)

Van Dale “Frosty”

If you’ve been finding yourself wondering why Christmas music isn’t more fucked up and terrifying, there’s a good chance you haven’t heard Van Dale’s latest foray into the genre. The mysterious Ohio trio quietly released their newest LP ‘Dale Xmas’ last week, and it’s filled with fuzzed-out reimaginings of Christmas classics, including quite possibly the most disorienting version of ‘Frosty the Snowman’ ever put to tape. This is saying something considering how horrifying the actual recording is when you really sit down to consider the reality of the carol’s story. Those who enjoy whimsy and think the Flaming Lips Christmas album isn’t weird enough are sure to find an instant classic here.

Minor Threat “Filler – Out of Step Outtake”

You’ve long told your friends that you’ve heard every single Minor Threat recording in existence, often while making fun of them for their shirt. Now, thanks to a newly released EP of studio outtakes from the ‘Out of Step’ sessions, your pals finally know how much of a fucking liar you really are. Released in celebration of ‘Out of Step’s 40th anniversary, the three-song EP features two earlier Minor Threat songs fully fleshed out with the added second guitar of Brian Baker, as well as an unreleased instrumental. So you can quickly recover your clout, Dischord Records has released all three tracks on a fancy clear 7-inch. It’s the perfect stocking stuffer for yourself, or your most insufferable friend.

Omar Rodríguez-López “Your Own Worst Enemy”

Prolific to a near-fault, Omar Rodríguez-López’s recorded output is as massive as it is criminally overlooked. Recently, he announced the impending release of a staggering 57-LP box set containing all of his studio efforts since he began recording in 2004. At least one of the albums featured, ‘Is It the Clouds?’ has never been released. From that album, Rodríguez-López has released the folk-pop single ‘Your Own Worst Enemy.’ Clocking in at under three minutes, it almost feels like a miniscule offering from the performer’s typically verbose efforts. It’s all made perfectly satiating when the beat drops and the chorus hook drills its way into your brain.

Militarie Gun “Never Fucked Up Twice (feat. Bully)”/“Very High (Under the Sun)”

Oft branded as one of the most exciting post-hardcore bands to hit the scene in years, Militarie Gun can more accurately be described as genre-less. Nowhere is this more evident than on the newly reimagined tracks from their sophomore album ‘Life Under the Gun.’ ‘Never Fucked Up Twice’ offers a blissed-out chillwave arrangement that is bolstered by a feature from contemporaries Bully, whereas ‘Very High (Under the Sun)’ chisels the original’s scream-along hooks down to a bare-bones whisper. What’s revealed as the layers peel back is a band that can not only kick your chest in, but lull you to sleep before you take your final breath in the pit.

It’s finally December, which means many of us are looking back on another wasted year wondering where it all went wrong. Many streaming services make this process easier by compiling users’ yearly listening histories and packaging them into convenient and concise infographics. It’s a great way to make corporate data mining feel fun and, most importantly, lets us know which friends to mercilessly roast for having Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” in their top five songs for the fifth consecutive year in a row. To build camaraderie as well as figure out who to boot from the organization, we asked – read, forced – our entire staff to share screenshots of their year-end lists. Here are a few of the highlights.

King Krule “Out Getting Ribs”

Good God, someone’s fucking pretentious. For those who don’t know or simply aren’t cool enough, King Krule – aka Archie Marshall – burst onto the UK indie scene as a bit of a wunderkind. His jazz/hip hop influenced sound coupled with his terrifyingly unique voice made him an instant hero to insufferable hipsters around the world. His songs are pretty good too. Judging that this track – which rides high in our writer’s top songs of the year – is from his debut album, he has entered the esteemed halls of “their earlier stuff was waaaay better” artists.

Weezer “Longtime Sunshine”

This is such a deep cut that we’re pretty sure the intern who had this in his ‘Wrapped’ list played it on repeat the entire night before the results dropped to hide the fact that his actual favorite Weezer song is ‘A Little Bit of Love.’ It’s a common tactic and we see straight through it. There’s no shame in liking a bit of trash Weezer, but unbeknownst to many naive fools like our dear intern, being a loud ‘Pinkerton’ fan is somehow even more annoying.

Ghost “Jesus He Knows Me”

There’s nothing quite as unforgivable as a ’90s era Phil Collins-led Genesis track. Some would argue the only thing worse is Ghost covering a ’90s era Phil Collins led Genesis track, which is exactly what they did on this year’s EP ‘Phantomime.’ It’s honestly not a bad effort and its accompanying video is a pretty fun affair. Still, upon its release our Managing Editor called the EP a shameless cash grab while burning one of her hundreds of Ghost tour tees in the office. Based on the extremely high ranking of this track on her playlist, we’re pretty sure this display was all in a futile effort to garner clout and intimidate our interns further into submission.

100 Gecs “Hollywood Baby”

One of our writers spent the majority of the year claiming they didn’t ‘get the hype’ surrounding the freak-pop duo 100 Gecs. According to them, those belonging to the Gec fandom are just people who are too ‘chickenshit’ to admit that Limp Bizkit is the greatest band of all time. Well, well, well unnamed writer, the day of reckoning is upon you now! No matter how many times you say this song only ranked so high because of how much research you needed to do to make fun of them, we know the truth. Just accept it like the rest of us and be happy for once.

Big Thief “Simulation Swarm”

As part of our Mental Health Service Package, any employee who is caught listening to any single Big Thief song more than 10 times in a fiscal week is immediately recommended for crisis counseling. According to our staff’s user data, he has listened to this song exclusively a staggering 657 times this month alone. While we can’t blame them due to the song’s hypnotic guitars and cryptic lyrics that beg for maddening analysis, it is our duty to inquire and investigate their well-being. Turns out he’s totally fine, but we’ve been extra nice to him this week as a precautionary measure.

Listen to the ever-evolving playlist: