OMAHA, Neb. — District 2 constituent Steve Amundson, fed up with the protracted process of fixing the potholes on his street, wrote Representative Burt Johnson numerous winding screeds that inevitably come across like terrifying death threats, sources confirmed.
“I think that Rep. Johnson has his heart in the right place and the pothole repair delays are probably due to government red tape. And that’s exactly what I attempt to express in my emails,” said Amundson.” But somehow I end up mentioning that I know the exact route he takes home from work, that I know where his daughters go to school, and that he better have eyes on the back of his head. I do have genuine grievances with Rep. Johnson but have no intention of running him down with my truck in front of his eight-year-old, like my message implies. Every goddamn time I proofread one of my emails it’s full of ‘snuff you out’ this and ‘better fucking watch yourself’ that. This last time I accidentally changed my email text color to blood red and couldn’t figure out how to correct it. Probably wasn’t the best look.”
Politicians and other public servants in Amundson’s district are exceedingly familiar with his tendency to jump from policy disagreements to what he’d do if he had them tied up.
“Steve? He must have called me a ‘dead man walking’ three or four times since the school levy passed,” said school board member Alan Strickland, another frequent recipient of Amundson’s alarming emails. “I’ll start reading his message and for the first paragraph or two it’s a pretty boilerplate request that schools find creative ways to save taxpayer money. But by the email’s end I’m on the phone with law enforcement requesting additional security to escort my family to the grocery store.”
Omaha police officer Gregory Winfield noted that there wasn’t much to do about the issue.
“At his core Steve’s not a monster, but if he did a search-and-delete for words like ‘bleed,’ ‘wipe out,’ and ‘suffer’ before hitting the send button he’d save us all a lot of trouble,” said Winfield. “Unfortunately there’s nothing we can do about email threats. You have to be brutally attacked, maimed, and/or murdered before law enforcement can have a look-see. Believe me, I wish we could. A good 80% of our calls deal with email death threats. The other 20% is old-fashioned handwritten letters signed in blood.”
At press time, Amundson took a break from politics and instead emailed some veiled threats to his cable company.
Really? You really want to put yourself and the one person who can stand to be around you and your disgusting body and attitude in a location cut off from the world where they’ll have to interact with you and only you? Any potential romance will be destroyed the second you unpack the one sweater you wear, sleep in, and use as a napkin.
Let’s face it, even if you knew how to ski you wouldn’t be able to afford it. And just thinking about how expensive it is will remind you of how little you’re paid because you’re stuck in a job that you hate and isn’t fulfilling while your life slips away faster each day and you’re just an insignificant speck of dust in a cosmic game of chance and misery. So don’t even bother.
A much more painful alternative to regular downhill skiing, but potentially cheaper. The layers you’re wearing will definitely hide any stink lines emanating from your rotting carcass, and your friends will assume you’re wailing and gnashing your teeth because you’re participating in one of the worst winter activities humanity ever created.
Winter camping can be a fun, weekend activity for people who enjoy the outdoors! But no one would describe you as “outdoorsy” since the only time you’re seen outside of your apartment is during your weekly restock of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, toilet paper, and whiskey. Maybe leave this one to people who can walk farther than five city blocks without getting winded.
You might get lucky and the smell of warm gingerbread will cover up whatever stench you weren’t able to hide with pine-scented candles. But if you do this as a group activity, try not to lose your shit and throw your creation into the wall in front of your friends when you realize your gingerbread family has achieved something you never will: owning a house.
One might think that dog sledding would be an excellent activity for the lonely and solitary months of winter. Being out in the wilderness with only animals for company could be a good way to spend the short days if dogs didn’t have the ability to sniff out a pack of bacon five houses away. We recommend you skip this one, unless you want to really ruin a husky’s day.
The sweet scent of hot cocoa will temporarily mask your crotch rot, and also remind you of being a kid when the only thing you had to do was wake up, go to school, endure hours of torment at the hands of your peers, hate the fact that you had no power or control over your life and listen to your parents fight as you tried to fall asleep. A delicious, nostalgic treat!
Sure, no one else has to be around as you watch some of your favorite holiday films. But will you really enjoy “It’s A Wonderful Life” when you remember that it was deemed a “subversive” movie by the FBI because you live in the United States and anything less than a full blowjob for bankers and capitalists used to be (and let’s face it, still is) considered communist propaganda? Get back to work, scum.
Wearing a helmet is the perfect mask for those dead eyes that haven’t looked away from your ex’s Instagram in 6 weeks. Make sure to drive the snowmobile alone, though, otherwise having a passenger will just remind you that no one wants to hold on to you in a romantic way because you’re an unlovable piece of shit with commitment issues, and boy oh boy do you stink.
Ice skating can be a risky choice depending on your skill level. If you’re falling down a lot and generally unstable on the ice, no one will wonder why you’re crying and screaming and covered in blood. But if you have an easier time staying up, that same demeanor might draw a few questions.
Corey Taylor’s “The End So Far”-era mask is a masterclass in not getting that second date. Dead eyes, rictus grimace, lack of tan, it’s a recipe for getting left at the restaurant with the bill after your date shimmies out of a bathroom window and runs for their life.
Chris Fehn’s mask has a distinctive feature that may or may not work on a first date. The long phallic nose on an otherwise normally horrific gimp mask is a real make-or-break. Is he compensating for something? Does the mask stay on in the bedroom? Can he stop knocking over wine glasses with that thing? In the end, it does create a distancing effect that might make it hard to connect on a first date.
Throughout his Slipknot career, Craig Jones has barely changed his look: a gimp mask bedecked with long-ass nails. So if your date is into BDSM, the gimp mask part is a winner. The downside is that the nails are always going to be a barrier to intimacy and your pillows are going to be toast.
Pigs are cute, cut off pig faces less so. Paul Gray’s mask from Slipknot’s self-titled debut album is an image of porcine death staring out from blank eyes that will guarantee that your date becomes a vegan by the end of the night and puts a kibosh on a second date. That’ll not do, pig.
During the ‘We Are Not Your Kind” era when the masks were pretty weak, Jay Weinberg’s Hannibal Lector-style mask was a standout. Staples across the mouth, pentagram carved into the forehead, this is the mask you wear on the first date provided you’re going for a certain type of romantic partner: a satanist who owns an industrial staple remover.
Yes, Alessandro Venturella’s “The End, So Far” mask makes him look like a burn victim, but if you squint he’s got some of that Deadpool without the mask to him. If your date likes Ryan Reynolds in heavy prosthetics, you might be in for a chance of a second date. Just don’t act like Deadpool or Ryan Reynolds and you should be fine.
Jim Root’s evil harlequin mask has been gradually losing parts as the years went on going from full face mask to Phantom of the Opera-style with exposed face and beard. To keep some mystique, wear his “Subliminal Verses” era mask as it is the most “handsome” of the bunch and there’s enough white space on it, your date could write her phone number on it or just draw some doodles if they get bored.
Tortilla Man’s mask for “The End, So Far” is a goddamn nightmare for a variety of reasons. The freaky eyes, mouth rivets and zipper, and the fact it looks like it is made of human skin is all pretty horrific, but that Dracula collar saves the day by saying that yeah, I look like I cooked and ate a human being, but I also ate this sick-ass collar. Perfect statement dressing for a first date.
Clown’s mask for “Vol 3.” (The Subliminal Verses) at first might elicit sympathy from your date as they wonder what kind of accident required that level of haphazard bandage work. They’ll also be impressed that post whatever industrial accident you may have had, you still made the date, that’s commitment and that means something.
Sid Wilson’s gas mask look is a bit 2000-22 COVID-chic but who doesn’t want a person interested in safety? For a first date, we’d suggest specifically his “Slipknot” era mask which was his gassiest. Of course, the mask might be protection from noxious fumes, it won’t hide the fact that Wilson is a DJ, which is something no one wants to think about on a first date.
Jordy Jordison’s mask for “All Hope is Gone” was heavily Jesus-themed so wearing it is a big swing. However, if your date is religious it might work. They may have a crush on Christ, a need for the Nazarene, and there you are: thorn-crowned in Olive Garden just as the Bible foretold.
Any of Mick Thompson’s looks will be best for impressing on a first date. All of his masks are modeled on a hockey mask so full face covering, big wide eyes, and a covered mouth. Show your date you can emote with those baby blues and also, as your mouth is sealed shut, you’re a great listener.