PITTSBURGH — Trailblazing tattoo artist, entrepreneur, and fourth-grade student, Sammy “Slugman” Sluggins opened up a discreet semi-permanent Sharpie-based tattoo shop in a tunnel located on the playground at the Longbrook Intermediate School, confirmed multiple sources getting black ink all over the place.
“I dunno. I found a Sharpie on the ground and felt like drawing stuff. After my first two clients it really took off just by word of mouth,” Slugman revealed when asked about his inspiration behind the innovative shop. “And soon enough, I got customers lined all the way to the swingsets, looking to trade bags of Doritos for whatever I felt like tattooing on them. I got so busy I had to close my books until after summer break. Some people are mad that I haven’t responded to their ‘Will you tattoo me? Yes or No’ notes, but I promise I’ll get to everyone eventually.”
Although praised by all his classmates, Slugman’s work raised some controversy in the community when PTA president, Mary Roseum, shared her disdain for the tattoo shop.
“My son, Fitz, came home yesterday with the most disgusting thing on his wrist,” Roseum stated while scrubbing off a Sharpie tattoo of a planet under the words: UR ANUS. “Then today, my sweet but impressionable boy stole all the chips from our pantry to pay for a Sharpie sleeve of solar system tattoos and now I want that Slugman kid stopped. What these children don’t realize is that ink can stay visible for up to eight days. They aren’t thinking about the long-term ramifications or how their grandmother will react.”
Longbrook’s principal, Dale Damiano, addressed requests to have the Sharpie tattoo shop shut down immediately and Slugman suspended.
“As Mr. Sluggins has not broken the student code of conduct, I do not feel any punishment is necessary. His shop is a creative endeavor that I support wholeheartedly,” Damiano announced while concealing with his pant leg what appeared to be a Sharpie tattoo on his ankle depicting Shrek belching out the motto: LIVING THAT SWAMP LYFE. “However, some parents will be happy to know that Mr. Sluggins’s shop was closed due to a hornet infestation.”
At press time, Slugman announced plans to re-open for business in the wobbly bridge in his neighborhood park, as the ever-moving surface will create organic, spontaneous designs that he says will look “really cool.”