WASHINGTON — President Biden revealed that the United States reached a new milestone in global dominance and is just one military base on foreign soil away from world peace and stability, exhausted Americans confirmed.
“My fellow Americans, after consulting with our top military advisors I am happy to announce that we just need one more potential forward operating base in Southeast Asia to keep our enemies in check permanently. I know you’re all upset about the endless, unchecked deluge of taxpayer dollars into our military budget but seriously gang, but it’s all led to this moment,” said the 46th president. “Just this last one, plus a couple of hundred missiles capable of landing in North Korea or Iran, but that’s all I swear. And if all goes well, I promise to look into taxing the one percent and all that other crap you’ve been breaking my balls about.”
Foreign diplomats around the globe immediately admonished Biden’s plan.
“I sure as shit hope they don’t put another one in Asia. Every time America establishes itself in the region it usually means more violent rednecks who think they’re on some exotic vacation. Sure they’ll build a base here, and then once they fire off a rocket or 10 at whoever is pissing them off this week, they’re going to want another outpost even closer to some other natural resources,” said Philippines Ambassador Joan Moreno. “If Biden was serious about protecting the world, he should approve a few more bases inside the USA. Rumor has it there’s a bunch of terrorists sitting on a huge oil supply in Texas.”
International policy experts were not remotely surprised that Biden was continuing the long history of military overreach.
“Imagine your landlord won’t stop buying snakes and he lets them roam the building, bite the shit out of everyone, and they hiss non-stop but he swears the mouse problem that he created will be fixed if he gets one more snake. And you let him because he has a snake army that is fully funded by his tenants, and he might be right this time. That’s the United States in a nutshell,” said Ramona Klein. “At this rate, the only place left without military personnel is Antarctica, so look out for Biden to declare war on some hostile penguins.”
This morning, Biden sheepishly asked Congress for a few extra bucks to keep 20 fighter jets in a hangar indefinitely, just in case.
From 2005 to 2010, Chicago, Illinois’ The Audition released four high-quality post-hardcore-adjacent full-length studio albums for Victory Records, but their sophomore LP, “Champion,’ is without question or hesitation their most superior effort, and producer Mark “Bleed Clarity” Trombino of Drive Like Jehu and Nicolas Winding Refn, also known as Jang’s, movie-film “Drive” brought the best out of the band sonically with a rockin’ R&B tinged release for people who want Maroon 5 to rock like Armor For Sleep. Even though a song title like album opener “Basbhat” would likely get a band canceled today, The Audition could successfully argue that said acronym means something else, or isn’t an acronym at all. Sadly, shortly after the also underrated “Great Danger,” the band’s fourth album altogether and for Victory Records, The Audition split up.
Progressive metal fans seemingly vouch for Raleigh, North Carolina’s more than technically proficient Between the Buried and Me weekly in all corners of the internet, but we wish that aggressive music fans outside of that uber-niche technical dorky circle were exposed to the band, and especially this six-song nearly hour-long effort “The Great Misdirect.” In an act of epic grandeur, half of this LP consists of songs longer than eleven minutes and three seconds, and not a second is wasted, which is commendable for bands with much shorter compositions too. Producer Jamie King deserves his flowers for his hard work on this record, many other BTBAM albums, He Is Legend, and Will “I Heart Chris Rock” Smith’s “I Am Legend.” “The Great Misdirect” is Between the Buried and Me’s fifth full-length album and happily the band has released five more since, several being sequels to originals that they created.
BoySetsFire, your favorite band’s favorite band, formed in the bitter Northeastern region of the USA in 1994, the year that punk rock broke and went mainstream, and released their second album “After the Eulogy” six years later. The band had several labels that they called home across their career, but Victory got lucky by showcasing this record, their best effort, and in a literally spoken request, you all need to take a deep dive into this band’s career right now if you previously missed out, but knowing you crazy rock and roller hip hepcat positive music fans, you already have done so! The band also toured with another act that we are highlighting, Snapcase, and what we would’ve given to be a fly on the wall for some of those dates would offend even your troll of a sister-in-law, Marda.
It’s quite a tossup as to whether Deadguy’s inclusion is more underrated as far as underration goes than what is listed two entries down’s (The Forecast) but there is zero dispute as to which of the ten albums here has the best title; spoiler alert – it is this one, the perfectly named only album in Deadguy’s collection, “Fixation on a Co-Worker.” New Jersey, and specifically, New Brunswick, New Jersey, has been a breeding ground for influential aggressive rock acts in the scene or whatever you want to call it like Lifetime, the aforementioned Thursday, The Bouncing Souls, and Take That, and Deadguy is no exception. Also, it only took one, yes, one, album from the band to catalyze and be at the center of the mathcore, yes, mathcore, movement apparatus with adept peers like Converge, Coalesce, The Dillinger Escape Plan, and Barry Gibb.
If you read a hardcore zine in the mid-90s, you likely stumbled upon an ad or piece on Syracuse, New York, home of Destiny USA formerly known as the Carousel Mall’s, Earth Crisis. Sadly, we rarely see this influential band namechecked in 2023 unless it is on a fill-in easycore bassist’s white pointable lyric hoodie. Also, if you prefer some straight in your edge and some Seitain over Wagyu, EC has some positive and affirming words for you, albeit in a growling fashion. Earth Crisis has eight studio albums as of now, but none are as powerful as their debut “Destroy the Machines” and Victory Records will forever rule because of its inclusion; we still can’t believe that it has been nearly THIRTY years since the concise ten-track metalcore masterpiece hit stores. The wrath of sanity will never be the same.
Peoria, Illinois’ The Forecast is likely the lone band you didn’t know about on next year’s When We Were Young festival lineup that is playing their “hit” album front to back, and that’s ok, but you should know better. The band’s unique vocal and genre blends were showcased in 2006 with “In The Shadow Of Two Gunmen,” but sadly not enough to stand out amongst the scene as a whole. If you like the early-aughts Vagrant Records lineup like .moneen., The Anniversary, The Get-Up Kids, and Matisyahu, then The Forecast and their Clint Eastwood-esque album cover is for you! If not, your taste sucks as much as your eventual unoriginal troll-like comment on our social media pages, and we demand a fistfight FOR our fathers and WITH your sons… May you one day carry this band’s legacy into your home, cities, states, and countries!
Some may say that Long Island, New York’s The Reunion Show walked hard so that Motion City Soundtrack could run fast. However, while we don’t completely disagree, MCS doesn’t have the singer from LI third-wave ska-punk legends Edna’s Goldfish in their lineup, so they’ll always take an “L” here, and we aren’t taking any further questions ON the matter, or, anything else FOR that matter. Back to TRS: Sadly the band only released one EP via Law of Inertia Records, and this particular LP, “Kill Your Television,” through Victory Records, before hanging their collective hats and morphing into the also good, but not as great keyboard-filled Action Action. The Reunion Show also toured with bands like Midtown, Fall Out Boy, Recover, and Big Daddy Kane in the early-aughts, so the cred police have been behind the band for two decades, so join the bandwagon!
The fact that The Sleeping’s sophomore LP and first for Victory Records, “Questions And Answers,” wasn’t one of the more successful post-hardcore efforts from the aughts is still a tragedy, but we feel that it was handicapped in the way that it didn’t come out two or three years earlier, when the boom was at its height. They just ended up staying behind; sigh. We’re speaking loud and clear here, so don’t hold back any of your well-informed and thought-out opinions in the comments even if you strongly disagree, because we know that you will. On a sad note, The Sleeping paid tribute to Victory Records labelmates Bayside’s late drummer John “Beatz” Holohan, who tragically was killed in a van accident out on tour, via their song “Heart Beatz” on “Questions And Answers”.
Easily the coolest album cover here, which also echoes some of Hot Water Music’s early LPs via No Idea Records, highlights Buffalo, New York’s Snapcase’s sophomore LP “Progression Through Unlearning” belongs on every underrated ‘90s aggressive rock act DSP playlist. It says a lot that the majority of the bands listed here grew up in the freezing cold, and one can hear their frozen angry hearts in each song’s subtext and execution, especially on this one; screw you. Anyway, revered/talented producer Steve Evetts, who also sat behind the boards for Saves the Day’s breakout “Through Being Cool,” The Dillinger Escape Plan’s debut “Calculating Infinity,” the aforementioned Deadguy’s “Fixation on a Co-Worker, and Ashlee Simpson’s “Autobiography.” Snapcase subsequently released two more full-length LPs and broke up, but reformed.
Formed in the late-90s, our last entry here, the post-hardcore masterminds and chemists known as Spitalfield released their debut studio album “Faster Crashes Harder” in 2001, signed with Victory Records in 2002, and put out their sophomore LP “Remember Right Now” just one year later. Fun fact and quick note: bands in this genre in the 00s reference car crashes ALL OF THE TIME, but we digress. Anyway, Spitalfield is for fans of emo-adjacent acts Hidden In Plain View, The Juliana Theory, Further Seems Forever, and Jennifer Love Hewitt, and “Remember Right Now” is an all killer no filler record and if you got a chance to watch them play it in its entirety in this year of our lord, you must have felt quite alive those days; that ending was stolen from some great writer named Mark Rose… Stop doing bad things!
Obviously dead last. Krampus is the guy who does Santa’s dirty work and he’s never given a gift in his centuries-long life unless you count a birch rod to the face. Krampus isn’t someone you want to see on your best day, let alone fresh off the heels of a drunk driving rampage that caused $96,000 in property damages and 14 injuries that made the news in 3 states.
This lusty, giant-headed goat-skinned Italian creature is not to be confused with Krampus, but will also be of little help to you. As the tradition goes, villagers lull the Badalisc into a trap with a young maiden, and then he spills the whole town’s secrets in the form of a rhyming poem. Well, good luck rhyming “Destroyed a Starbucks” with “Narrowly avoided running over an elderly woman despite his best efforts” you goat-snitch bastard!
Santa at his most pious and non-secular is unlikely to be any help to you. He is the patron saint of, among other things, children, sailors, and archers, each of whom you injured in your drunken joyride. He is also the patron saint of repentant thieves, so maybe if you can convince him that you’re sorry you robbed that archer of his right arm, who knows? Seriously though what the hell was that archer doing in the middle of the road that night?
No! What are you an idiot? How is an idea going to give you a PS5? We’re trying to play Spider-Man 2, not wax poetic over gushy holiday sentiment. Don’t waste our time.
The name is French for “Father Christmas,” though he also goes by “Papa Noel” or, “Daddy Christmas” if you nasty. As a Frenchman he has a pretty lax attitude toward drinking and finds our American drunk driving laws to be oppressive, so he’s with you. Unfortunately, he only leaves gifts in shoes that are left by the fire filled with carrots for his mule, so unless your shoe is big enough to fit a sick-ass PS5, your chances are slim.
He’s exactly like Père Noël, but Cajun style! That is to say, he delivers gifts out der oun da Bayou in a boat that is drawn by a team of 8 alligators. In other words, there is no way that dude is sober, and he doesn’t give a damn about your DUI. He doesn’t have the same shoe-sized gift restrictions as his namesake, but unfortunately, anyone traveling by gator boat is likely behind the times. We hear he’s still giving out N64s.
He does not forgive you for drinking too much alcohol and getting behind the wheel that night. He just doesn’t understand why you had to get all liquored up when you could have enjoyed the rich taste of an ice-cold Coca-Cola. Whether it’s classic, cherry, or any of their caffeine and calorie-free varietals, nothing pairs better with the moments of our lives worth celebrating than a Coca-Cola. (bottle pop sound, glug glug noise) Aaaahhh.
Upwards of 90% of robotic Santas go berserk and try to kill you. It probably won’t have anything to do with the fact that you were going 75mph the wrong way in a school zone per se, but unless that roboSanta has a PS5 in its chest (which would be dope!) your chances are slim.
Father Christmas and Santa Claus have become sort of synonymous in recent centuries, but back in the day, Father Christmas was the personification of Christmas itself. He’s an elemental avatar, like Swamp Thing, only with Christmas instead of plants. Unfortunately, he has no connection to gift-giving of any kind. He’s all about feasting and merry-making, which of course means drinking. He certainly won’t judge you, but when it comes to playing Spider-Man 2 you’re shit out of luck here.
The Dutch O.G. who puts the Saint Nick in Santa, Sinterklaas is no stranger to mistakes. The whole “Black Pete” thing went on way too long. Unfortunately, the forgiveness of your DUI notwithstanding, he can’t give you a PS5 because in the Netherlands Christmas already happened on December 6th! If only you had been busted for the drunk driving you did weeks ago, you might have started asking sooner!
Ugh, goddammit, the Hungarian Santa is another useless shoe guy who pretty much just leaves candy and finishes his rounds by December 6th. Curse you, bishop of Myra!
He also had his licence taken away and also doesn’t have a PS5 but thinks having one would be rad. Basically, he’s exactly like you only smellier and dressed like Santa. And just all-around worse.
The Santa of Texas is the latest incarnation of the jolly old gift giver. We’ll say your odds are 50/50 with Cowboy Kringle. It’s all about how you frame it. Instead of saying “I was recklessly driving under the influence and I hurt a lot of people,” try saying “I got my license cancelled by the woke-mob.”
The “Daddy Christmas” of Brazil is pretty much exactly like the American Santa, only he gives gifts through windows instead of chimneys because there aren’t a ton of chimneys in Brazil. He’s also notably sympathetic, so we’ll put him a notch above Santa Prime, but honestly, it’s hard to sympathize with someone who kept shouting “Points!” every time they drunkenly ran over something.
Yup, just your traditional old-school Santa. He’s sort of an amalgamation of every Santa on this list, so, lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what have yous’. As the most Hallmarky interpretation of old Saint Nick, he is capable of forgiving your vehicular rampage and getting you that PS5, but you’ll have to work for it. We’re talking super grand gesture here, like adopting some of those kids you displaced when you crashed into that orphanage. Honestly, maybe not worth the effort.
