NILES, Calif. — The National Park Service announced that its latest addition, Niles Canyon National Park, offers the optimal environment for visitors to spend time thinking about work emails, sources who never hiked a day in their lives confirmed.
“We are proud to let the public experience our beautiful views and sweeping vistas, all perfect locations to remind you how many messages with the phrase ‘circling back’ in them are piling up in your inbox right now,” shared acting park superintendent Orland Page. “Charging stations are available on our brand new pathways. Visit the park for fresh air and uninterrupted nature- unless it’s interrupted by a push notification, in which case you can visit our business center, located conveniently next to the scenic overlook. We’re bringing the indoors to the great outdoors. We’ve even fashioned several bushes to look like office cubicles.”
Visitors have expressed relief over the recent park conveniences, including Tamara Remington.
“It’s honestly been a lifesaver. Sometimes nature can be so absorbing, so overwhelming that it becomes difficult for my mind to wander back to Microsoft Outlook!” laughed Remington, drafting an email beside a waterfall. “The new roadside signs reminding you to check your inbox are super helpful. You are never truly experiencing the mysteries and joys of nature unless you are thrumming with anxiety about emails piling up. Nothing like that endorphin hit of being outside in fresh air and sending a quick follow-up!”
Park Ranger Sarah Neems reminded visitors to always be prepared when visiting a national park, especially the more corporate-friendly ones.
“It’s a wilderness out there. We’re trying to get coverage in the more remote sections of the park. Cuz right now, let me tell ya, if you’re not prepared with water, some snacks, a thin raincoat, and a portable battery for your phone, you might as well be dead,” Neems reflected while repairing a 5G cell tower camouflaged as an oak tree. “Some people lose hours, entire afternoons, completely unable to check their email. Found a body out in that patch only last week. They were alive, just couldn’t get a signal. Horrifying.”
The National Park Service has also announced a requirement that alert notifications be turned on at all times, recommending full volume as a helpful reminder to other park visitors.