For many of us, the task of cultivating the tastes, opinions, and dispositions that constitute an earnest human personality is just too daunting. Luckily the lord, in his infinite wisdom, has provided an adequate substitution for genuine substance: Jackass hot-takes on things that don’t matter!
This holiday season, give the people forced to be around you for whatever reason the gift of the illusion that your lights are on. Take a stand and adamantly insist that your favorite Christmas movie is — get this — not a traditional Christmas movie, but sort of one on technicality!
30. Die Hard (1988)
Oh yeah, “Die Hard” is a great left-of-center Christmas movie… like 10 years ago! At this point, even your Mom recognizes “Die Hard” to be an offbeat Christmas movie, and while championing it as such is still obnoxious, it’s sadly become too pedestrian to take the place of an entire personal ethos. Nowadays you gotta try a little harder than that to try too hard.
29. Home Alone (1990)
Sure it’s got a couple of doofuses being hit in the balls with paint cans and such, and as a person with no discernible personality or interests that’s the height of comedy to you! Unfortunately “Home Alone” is just too close to an actual recognized Christmas movie for you to sell loving it as an interesting quirk. You could maybe get away with claiming “Home Alone 3” is your favorite but that may require some actual nuance and thought on your part, and boy are you tired.
28. When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Good news! They don’t really make a ton of rom-coms anymore, so liking them makes you a real, legitimate, honest to god type of person! You have a TASTE! We’re pretty sure Christmas was in this one somewhere, don’t most of these have a Christmas scene?
27. Harry Potter Movies
Have you already made liking Harry Potter your entire personality? No need to switch gears for the Holidays! Remember, every one of these movies features a Christmas scene, so you’re in the clear! Sure, J.K. Rowling has made a hard turn to the dark side in recent years, but nothing embodies the holiday season more than overlooking the deep-seated flaws of the people you grew up with!
26. While You Were Sleeping (1995)
Another Christmas-laden rom-com, but tread carefully with this one. It is after all, a movie about someone who assumes the identity of someone else, and you are, after all, an NPC trying to pass yourself off as someone with cultivated tastes. It might tip your hand!
25. You’ve Got Mail (1998)
Do you remember AOL? And is asking that the closest thing to an ice breaker you can muster when meeting other people your own age? Then you’ve got a new favorite Christmas movie!
24. Rocky 4 (1985)
Are you the sort of person who, when asked what they like to do, blurts out “Go to the gym,” and then kind of trails off or tries to change the subject? Good news! Rocky 4’s final fight in Russia takes place on Christmas day! You might have been too distracted by Rocky ending communism to notice, but yup, it’s for sure Christmas! Now, when asked to describe yourself, you can say TWO things!
23. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Oh hell yeah. Deep down you may know you’re a dullard and a coward, but when you pick “Eyes Wide Shut” as your favorite Christmas movie, you say to the world “I am an interesting and smart sex person.” Whoever you’re talking to may have some follow-up questions about someone named Stanely Kubrick, just say he’s a genius.
22. Batman Returns (1992)
Are you wearing a Batman logo shirt right now because you honest to god can’t think of what else to do? Well, good news! “Batman Returns” while not technically a Christmas movie, is loaded with Christmas settings and imagery, which makes watching it in December technically interesting!
21. Love Actually (2003)
Another “too close to an actual Christmas movie” not quite a Christmas movie, but claiming it as your favorite will definitely remind people to think the word “Ugh” every time they see you. It is a singular movie for sure. No film before or since “Love Actually” has managed to be so problematic while somehow being so boring. Any other movie with this much fat shaming, stalking, and lack of agency in its female characters should at least make you angry enough to stay awake the whole time.
20. Little Women (2019)
The problem with being a broody and melodramatic person is that people assume you’re complex when often you’re just sort of tired a lot. For most of those people, there are Tim Burton movies. But growing up, were you less the “safety pins all over my clothes” type and more the “reading Jane Eyre in public” type? Then it’s time to ditch “The Nightmare Before Christmas” for “Little Women” this holiday season. The 2019 one is objectively better, but you could also be way into the 1994 one to make people you possess something called “nostalgia.”
19. Catch Me If You Can (2002)
The Christmas scene in this one encapsulates the sense of loneliness and isolation many people can feel around the holidays, so you’ll get some major deepness points. Just don’t let anyone know you think Tom Hanks is the hero of the movie.
18. Frozen (2013)
It’s not really a Christmas movie, but come on, all the elements are there. Snow, Reindeer, magic… It’s sort of like how you have all the elements of a person. A pulse, bank cards, a coffee mug with something funny written on it…
17. Trading Places (1983)
An irreverent, offbeat Christmas movie with an important message: The highs and lows of our lives are determined by the childish whims of the elite rich.
16. Just Friends (2005)
It’s a cut above all of the other Christmas-set rom-com movies because it stars Ryan Reynolds, the patron saint of people pretending to be interesting.
To put it bluntly for your protection, caution, review, and obvious discretion, Incubus’ seventh full-length studio album “If Not Now, When?” has the least amount of replay value across their lovely and friendly catalog, and thus, this pretty boring record is in the golden stinker slot. Like we say in the “skip it” section here, approximately half of this record shouldn’t have been released, especially on the band’s first album in six years, and if Incubus had censored various tracks, or released the other songs as B-sides/rarities, an EP called “If Not” would’ve been much more thrilling, fellas. Thankfully the band would return to rocking hard on “8,” this album’s much better but still inconsistent follow-up.
Like we mentioned earlier, “8,” Incubus’ eighth and numerically listed album, and (un)lucky #7 here, is a straightforward return to rockin’ form a la previous efforts, but sadly still uneven at times like an odd number! Fun fact: From First To Last vocalist/Skrillex Sonny Moore, an obvious uber superfan of Incubus, co-produced and mixed various tracks here after production from D. Sardy, monumental producer and familiar face on Far’s “Water & Solutions” and Near’s “Fire & Problems,” which may sound literally surprising to you and most pedestrians as they are NOT dubstep tracks in any way, shape, or form. Incubus needs to throw out the map for the next one, whenever it gets recorded, and rise back to undefeated status like in the early-aughts. In closing, this record debuted at number four on the US Billboard 200, proving that people still care.
While “Light Grenades” is easily the first full-length studio effort referenced in this piece that is a consistent album front to back for all fans of oil, water, diamonds, AND coal, it still falls short of the top five simply because their catalog is so damn strong that love hurts. We would love to flatter the band sans hyperbole by saying that “Anna Molly” is a top five Incubus single. Also, said track, “Dig,” “Love Hurts,” and “Hate Heals” were all radio hits, and this record debuted at number ONE on the Billboard 200, which is both a fire in the attic AND proof of the prize, went GOLD in the states, and killed outside worldwide.
Even though Incubus hasn’t played any songs from their debut LP “Fungus Amongus” in approximately twenty years, this record is a fan favorite for both superfans and casual ones. Self-released by the band’s own label Chillum (yes, Chillum; the ’90s were weird and shouldn’t be held in such high regard) Records in 1995, various tracks were re-recorded for the band’s first major label release via Immortal/Epic Records, “Enjoy Incubus,” which is an EP, fools, so it doesn’t count here, and eventually due to over and underground acclaim, “Fungus Amongus” eventually got a conglomerate re-release with a minor entry at one-hundred-and-sixteen on the US Billboard 200. Don’t you make fun of us for the “low” placement here; we can easily speak free(ly), and say on record that the next four are just better! We may get some flak for this, but “Enjoy Incubus” is even more enjoyable.
While this may be your number one or number two, we are the ones asking the questions here, so “Morning View” just missed a medal slot by an inch under our umbrella, despite it being the band’s best-selling CD (remember those?) as of press time, and likely forever and ever amen. The band’s fourth album is definitely their biggest departure from where they started, and the funky Mr. Bungle undertones got replaced with drum-circling good vibes. The band legally has to play “Wish You Were Here” at every show now for the rest of their career, but singles “Nice to Know You” and “Warning” deserve as much reverence, and non-single “Circles” rocks as the meat in the Know-Were bread sandwich; blink blink blink. While the band’s non-aggressive songs usually infect the radio, their gritty ones are the unsung heroes of Incubus’ catalog.
Pardon us, but by opening with their best song “Privilege,” Incubus’ third LP/breakout masterpiece, “Make Yourself,” closed out the 1990s, easily the second-best decade in rock music next to the 1960s, in stellar, stellar style, and opened the 2000s with mega, mega hits. Basically, Incubus took the frenetic musicianship out of their sonic approach, and replaced it with more clean, warm, concise, and deliberate parts, which truly worked with the mainstream, but as a consequence, alienated a cornucopia of fans of their debut “Fungus Amongus,” and the yet to be mentioned sophomore release “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” Still, we absolutely stan this record here, even if it is the dreaded word “accessible,” and “Make Yourself” absolutely deserves to be in the bronze medal slot here. The record itself was not an immediate hit, but it showed the globe that some are growers and not showers.
Incubus’ second LP “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” is the first of two “no skip” releases to be listed here. Eventually going Gold and like its follow-up “Make Yourself,” it wasn’t an overnight success, but “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” definitely contributed positively to the dopey to some and catchy to all nu-metal movement, which truly picked up steam approximately one-two years after its release with acts like Limp Bizkit, Korn, Coal Chamber, and Shania Twain, Incubus seemed like the black sheep of said trend, as they were hyper literate and uber thoughtful whilst rocking so much harder than bands that claimed to rock harder than rocks. Plus, the album cover is weird as hell.
Incubus’ fifth album “A Crow Left of the Murder” is for the real ones, and not just southern girls. Well, coming out directly after the zen-like “Morning View,” Incubus opened the bird floodgates here with a lot of anger and even more experimentation and managed to make the absolutely weird quite positively accessible, which is a feat in mainstream music. Returning to the frenetic sounds of “S.C.I.E.N.C.E.” may not have handed the band as many accessible favors as its two hit-laden predecessors, as only one single, “Megalomaniac” truly broke through the radio waves, but this record managed to expand on their now-classic sophomore sounds in a priceless manner with better musicianship and heavy in a non-derivative nu-metal way overtones. Your move, Three Days Grace.
Technically, Mickey and Mallory aren’t serial killers, They are murderers, however, and the edgelord nihilism of this spree-killing couple practically screams a love for nu-metal. Their need for (media) attention, granted to them by journalist Wayne Gale, mirrors the petulant temper tantrums of, like, every nu-metal vocalist ever. Fred Durst is probably the pair’s spirit animal, and “Break Stuff” is probably the song they fuck to.
Tom Ripley is a shape-shifting con artist who will act or fake his way through the lives of his victims to achieve his goals. Thus, his fondness for Johann Sebastian Bach may not even be honest. He may claim to prefer Bach, but it’d only be because Bach is the premier composer and not because Ripley enjoys his music. He’ll switch to something else if and/or when it suits him. As such, Ripley’s taste in music shares a trait with Republicans’ belief in democracy: arbitrariness.
Hans Beckert is a child murderer who insists on whistling the melody of Edvard Grieg’s “In the Hall of the Mountain King.” Assuming that’s his favorite song, or at least one he relates to, it’s also safe to assume he likes classical music that’s popular to the point of being known via osmosis—e.g., Richard Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” or Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s “1812 Overture” (but only the finale, natch). If that’s all true, Beckert’s taste in music is more generic than an MCU villain.
Peter Foley is a (pretend) serial killer who recreates the murders of other serial killers. In other words, he’s an uninspired knock-off artist who desperately wants to be (in)famous without the requirement of being creative or original. He’s probably into tribute acts, or Greta Van Fleet.
Charles Lee Ray got an early start, killing his mother with a knife before he was 10. While known as the Lakeshore Strangler, he clearly prefers a blade. He’s also known for dabbling in voodoo. It’s a safe bet that Ray’s into Kidz Bop—it’s malignantly hypnotic, and if you’re a parent it cuts you to your fucking core.
Arthur Mitchell kills four people every thirty years, and every quartet of murders goes like this: child encased in concrete while alive, woman bled to death in a bathtub, woman forced to jump off of a ledge, man is bludgeoned. This suggests a varied taste in music. Four songs he might enjoy are Cannibal Corpse’s “Encased in Concrete,” No Doubt’s “Bathwater,” Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper,” and D12’s “Fight Music.” Mitchell’s probably one of those assholes who makes whiplash-inducing Spotify playlists for road trips.
Bret Easton Ellis’ stand-in for the unbridled greed of ’80s capitalism, Patrick Bateman adores the most commercial and most disposable pop music imaginable from that decade: Phil Collins, Whitney Houston, Huey Lewis & the News, etc. It’s fitting, then, that his love for recorded music is matched only by his hatred for live performances (read the book). The only thing more artificial than Bateman’s taste in music is Elon Musk’s belief in free speech.
Essentially a nihilist, the cannibalistic serial killer named Cletus Kasady would probably find solace in a famous line from Thomas Hobbes’ “Leviathan” (look it up). You’d think he’d be into, like, NIN’s “The Downward Spiral” or something akin. Surprisingly, his favorite song is “Free Bird,” meaning his taste in music is blander than English cuisine.
Francis Dolarhyde kills entire families with the goal of becoming his alter ego, The Great Red Dragon. His nickname comes from him breaking into homes and killing at night. Did I mention he’s got a giant red dragon tattoo across his back? It’s the level of gaudy that makes Ben Affleck’s Phoenix back tat seem subtle. Speaking of gaudy, that’s probably his taste in music, too—the turn-of-the-century maximalist schlock like, say, Los Del Rio’s “Macarena” or Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out.”
Brian Moser is into dismembering, but his calling card is freezing his victims’ appendages and leaving them on public display. That level of attention-seeking behavior would make Alex Jones cringe. Moser probably soundtracks his life with music that’s equally soulless and desperate for attention: dubstep. The obnoxious squonks and squelches scream “LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME” just as loudly as leaving a frozen severed hand on a beach for your brother to find.
Rhoda Penmark’s first kill was her classmate so she could have his award for penmanship, which she felt entitled to. C’mon, Rhoda—even in the ’50s it was silly to be proud of your handwriting. Anyway, she’s an egotistical shithead who covets meaningless trophies, so it’s a reasonable conclusion that her favorite artist is Kanye West.
A barber who kills his customers? He’s into hair metal for sure. The bigger the hair, the better. Sweeney Todd’s favorite is likely the band that had the biggest (and best) hair of that era: Mötley Crüe. Indeed, Nikki Sixx’s hair for the alternate cover of “Shout at the Devil” might be the zenith of the ’80s.
Dexter Morgan is an anti-hero who kills other serial killers in plastic-coated rooms. This mirrors his fake likable personality that used car salesmen would find off-putting. Thus, he likely enjoys stuff that’s tidy and sterile—in other words: music that approximates happiness. Let’s go with ’80s synth-pop like early Depeche Mode or NIN’s “Pretty Hate Machine.” Also, anything by Kraftwerk.
Nicholas Ruskin holds beautiful women captive, and if they break his rules—talking to each other, trying to escape, etc.—he kills them by, say, leaving them tied to a tree in a forest. He thinks he’s a lover—hence the name—and that his victims are meant for him. Which is to say: Ruskin is Andrew Tate’s platonic ideal of a man. Ruskin’s likely drawn to (gorgeous?) pop songs about possession because he finds them romantic. His theme song might be Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” or The Police’s “Every Breath You Take.”
Ghostface—whomever is wearing the mask—loves running. Like, more than Tom Cruise. Safe to say, then, that any iteration of the killer probably hopes their victims sprint away so they can throw earbuds in and rock out to something catchy that involves running, figuratively or literally: “Running Down a Dream” or “I Ran (So Far Away)” or “Born to Run.” Maybe even “Run Like Hell” or “Run for Your Life.”
As a child, Frank Zito watched his abusive mother have sex with strange men. Following serial killer logic, he targets women. After he kills them, he scalps them and uses their hair for his mannequin collection. He poses, talks with, and sleeps with his mannequins, pretending to marry them and/or that they’re his mom. Dude’s got a major Oedipus complex, is the point. He probably prefers classics like Pink Floyd’s “Mother” or Danzig’s “Mother” or John Lennon’s “Mother” because he sees them as some twisted secret message(s) just for him.
