DUBAI — The COP28 Climate Summit concluded with a landmark agreement to phase out fossil fuels under the condition that big oil executives be allowed to poison a town of their choosing every year.
“We accept that we’ve been complicit in killing the planet, and that phasing out fossil fuels is inevitable. And while we are committed to pivoting to renewable energy, it’s important that we continue to destroy the lives of small-town Americans by making their existence unviable. After all, participating in capitalism isn’t rewarding if it doesn’t come at someone else’s expense,” said Exxon CEO Darren Woods. “We’ll do all that carbon-neutral hippie shit, but without asserting man’s domination over nature what’s the point? We’re just asking for a once-a-year thing where we randomly pick a small town with a dying middle class and replace their water supply with gasoline, or make the air so toxic their lungs implode. We have to do something with all these barrels of oil laying around!”
While many Americans expressed grave concern that they’d be collateral damage, officials stated that this was the best-case scenario to combat climate change.
“Given the oil industry’s reluctance to phase out fossil fuels, this is a historic moment. We know folks are worried about sociopathic oil executives and lobbyists decimating their towns, but rest assured there are strict stipulations in this accord. Coastal cities and towns bigger than 25,000 people are off limits, which will ensure the only areas that’ll be affected are in flyover states nobody gives a shit about,” said Department of Energy rep Claudia Williams. “It’s a win/win if you think about it: massive oil conglomerates will invest billions in green energy while satiating their bloodlust. Plus, they’ll save millions by not having to foot the bill for bottled water or relocating citizens. Trust us, this is the only way.”
Despite the agreement being touted as progress, climate activists said that the plan accomplished nothing.
“They call this progress? We’ve been organizing and protesting for years, and their plan is to let oligarchs play Russian roulette with people’s lives! What’s next, for every solar farm built they get to frack under a middle school?” said activist Jane Cardillo. “The only upside is there’s a 99% chance these towns vote Republican, so maybe getting bombarded with carcinogens will make them give a shit about the environment. But if history has shown us anything, it’s not likely.”
The Department of Energy also revealed the agreement allows oil executives to beat an endangered ocean animal to death with their bare hands once every fiscal quarter for every offshore windmill they build.