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High School Metal Band Makes Pact That If They’re All Still Degenerate Pieces of Shit In Twenty Years They’ll Reunite

SMYRNA, Del. — High school metal band Drunk Blacksmith made an adolescent pact that if when they’re all “as old and unappealing as stale dogshit” and still have not reached a reasonable level of mature civility then they will reunite, shithead sources confirmed.

“Graduation is just a few short months away – so we all agreed that if, in twenty years, we’re not all super huge mega-rockstars on our own, then we’ll get back together and give it another shot. We just don’t wanna have to live out our old-ass lives alone and with very little meth to share,” stated bassist Dave “The Pipe” Cromwell. “Now technically, most of us won’t be officially graduating on account of all those woodshop tools we pawned. But these relationships are still important. And I’d just hate to end up slowly rotting on whoever’s floor I end up living on in the future and wonder what could have been.”

Smyrna High School principal Dawn Plesmont gave her academic perspective on the band’s pact and future plans.

“If any of those absolute fuckwits even survive the next twenty years I’ll shit in a bucket and call it my son,” said Plesmont emphatically. “I’ve been in academia for thirty-two years and those scumsuckers are by far the most likely I’ve ever seen who will one day end up on several law enforcement agencies’ ‘most wanted’ lists. Why do you think I expelled them for all those belt sanders they stole from the school’s shop department?”

Aged Delaware metalhead and founder of the local chapter of the Anitchrist’s Abortions motorcycle club Dale Sternway described what it’s like to be a, in his words, “radically vicious blood-fiend awaiting the apocalypse.”

“Man, being an old metalhead is the best. Fuck all those teachers and probation officers who said I’d never amount to anything. I’m gnarly as hell!” said Sternway while alternating between hits off of a nitrous tank, an oxygen tank and an unfiltered Maverick cigarette. “I’m glad these kids are planning to keep metal alive even into the elder years of their late thirties. And if anyone from my old high school metal band was not still in jail for ‘zoo fraud’ I’m sure they’d say the same.”

At press time, Drunk Blacksmith was preparing for their final show – blasting their own music over a bluetooth speaker as a distraction while they robbed a local Dunkin Donuts.