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“Unacceptable,” IDF Commander Responds to Report That Some Hospitals in Gaza Are Still Operating

GAZA CITY — High-ranking officials in the Israeli Defence Force were alarmed by a new report that suggested Gaza still had 1/3rd of their hospitals operational despite constant targeted bombings.

“The efficiency of our bombing campaigns will increase exponentially if we eliminate all the hospitals. We can’t have critically injured people getting life-saving care or else we’re going to have to send even more targeted missiles to take them out in a few weeks,” said IDF General Yaniv Salama. “I was hoping all the hospitals in the region would be reduced to rubble by now so we could focus our attention on primary schools, open-air markets, and places we labeled as ‘Designated Safe Zones.’ Thankfully we have plenty more artillery coming our way and the United States won’t let anyone stop us, so within the next few days you can expect the shelling to intensify so we can get that hospital count down to zero.”

Popular right-wing pundits believe the IDF still has a lot of work to do.

“I see these death tolls in Palestine and I can’t help but think the Israeli troops could be doing more. I know we have the Geneva Conventions and all, but they’ve already violated those so many times already it can’t hurt to test out some chemical weapons,” said Tommy Lubber, host of the Conservative podcast “Sweet Land of Liberty w/ Tommy Lubber.” “Here’s the thing, I wish I could send more of my tax dollars to the IDF. My money shouldn’t be going to entitlement programs here in the United States, I want my money leveling the Middle East.”

President Joe Biden responded to the reports of Israel’s aggression.

“Listen Jack, the situation in Gaza is complicated. And I’ve already urged Benjamin Netanyahu to choose the military targets more carefully. I simply can’t urge him any harder than I already have,” said President Biden. “I’ve asked him nicely, I’ve said it sternly, I’ve even pretended to be a little mad. Nothing worked. I think it’s best if we just send Israel another cool $40 billion and stay out of it and see if this blows over before the election cycle starts heating up.”

At press time, IDF leaders were heartened to find out a recently fired missile destroyed the clean water supply into Southern Gaza.