For many of us, the task of cultivating the tastes, opinions, and dispositions that constitute an earnest human personality is just too daunting. Luckily the lord, in his infinite wisdom, has provided an adequate substitution for genuine substance: Jackass hot-takes on things that don’t matter!
This holiday season, give the people forced to be around you for whatever reason the gift of the illusion that your lights are on. Take a stand and adamantly insist that your favorite Christmas movie is — get this — not a traditional Christmas movie, but sort of one on technicality!
30. Die Hard (1988)
Oh yeah, “Die Hard” is a great left-of-center Christmas movie… like 10 years ago! At this point, even your Mom recognizes “Die Hard” to be an offbeat Christmas movie, and while championing it as such is still obnoxious, it’s sadly become too pedestrian to take the place of an entire personal ethos. Nowadays you gotta try a little harder than that to try too hard.
29. Home Alone (1990)
Sure it’s got a couple of doofuses being hit in the balls with paint cans and such, and as a person with no discernible personality or interests that’s the height of comedy to you! Unfortunately “Home Alone” is just too close to an actual recognized Christmas movie for you to sell loving it as an interesting quirk. You could maybe get away with claiming “Home Alone 3” is your favorite but that may require some actual nuance and thought on your part, and boy are you tired.
28. When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Good news! They don’t really make a ton of rom-coms anymore, so liking them makes you a real, legitimate, honest to god type of person! You have a TASTE! We’re pretty sure Christmas was in this one somewhere, don’t most of these have a Christmas scene?
27. Harry Potter Movies
Have you already made liking Harry Potter your entire personality? No need to switch gears for the Holidays! Remember, every one of these movies features a Christmas scene, so you’re in the clear! Sure, J.K. Rowling has made a hard turn to the dark side in recent years, but nothing embodies the holiday season more than overlooking the deep-seated flaws of the people you grew up with!
26. While You Were Sleeping (1995)
Another Christmas-laden rom-com, but tread carefully with this one. It is after all, a movie about someone who assumes the identity of someone else, and you are, after all, an NPC trying to pass yourself off as someone with cultivated tastes. It might tip your hand!
25. You’ve Got Mail (1998)
Do you remember AOL? And is asking that the closest thing to an ice breaker you can muster when meeting other people your own age? Then you’ve got a new favorite Christmas movie!
24. Rocky 4 (1985)
Are you the sort of person who, when asked what they like to do, blurts out “Go to the gym,” and then kind of trails off or tries to change the subject? Good news! Rocky 4’s final fight in Russia takes place on Christmas day! You might have been too distracted by Rocky ending communism to notice, but yup, it’s for sure Christmas! Now, when asked to describe yourself, you can say TWO things!
23. Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Oh hell yeah. Deep down you may know you’re a dullard and a coward, but when you pick “Eyes Wide Shut” as your favorite Christmas movie, you say to the world “I am an interesting and smart sex person.” Whoever you’re talking to may have some follow-up questions about someone named Stanely Kubrick, just say he’s a genius.
22. Batman Returns (1992)
Are you wearing a Batman logo shirt right now because you honest to god can’t think of what else to do? Well, good news! “Batman Returns” while not technically a Christmas movie, is loaded with Christmas settings and imagery, which makes watching it in December technically interesting!
21. Love Actually (2003)
Another “too close to an actual Christmas movie” not quite a Christmas movie, but claiming it as your favorite will definitely remind people to think the word “Ugh” every time they see you. It is a singular movie for sure. No film before or since “Love Actually” has managed to be so problematic while somehow being so boring. Any other movie with this much fat shaming, stalking, and lack of agency in its female characters should at least make you angry enough to stay awake the whole time.
20. Little Women (2019)
The problem with being a broody and melodramatic person is that people assume you’re complex when often you’re just sort of tired a lot. For most of those people, there are Tim Burton movies. But growing up, were you less the “safety pins all over my clothes” type and more the “reading Jane Eyre in public” type? Then it’s time to ditch “The Nightmare Before Christmas” for “Little Women” this holiday season. The 2019 one is objectively better, but you could also be way into the 1994 one to make people you possess something called “nostalgia.”
19. Catch Me If You Can (2002)
The Christmas scene in this one encapsulates the sense of loneliness and isolation many people can feel around the holidays, so you’ll get some major deepness points. Just don’t let anyone know you think Tom Hanks is the hero of the movie.
18. Frozen (2013)
It’s not really a Christmas movie, but come on, all the elements are there. Snow, Reindeer, magic… It’s sort of like how you have all the elements of a person. A pulse, bank cards, a coffee mug with something funny written on it…
17. Trading Places (1983)
An irreverent, offbeat Christmas movie with an important message: The highs and lows of our lives are determined by the childish whims of the elite rich.
16. Just Friends (2005)
It’s a cut above all of the other Christmas-set rom-com movies because it stars Ryan Reynolds, the patron saint of people pretending to be interesting.
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