Absolute Loser: This Lame-Wad Woman Was Never Bullied in High School

Posted on by Dom Turek

When Stephanie McKinley called me an ugly big-nosed freak in 9th grade, I knew I was destined for great things. Who knows where I would be today if I hadn’t been chased through the halls of Lincoln High by a gaggle of hot teens threatening to shove various objects up my “gay ass” day after day, year after year. Probably front row at a Dave Matthews concert chugging white Zinfandel out of a bag.

What kind of sad sack would I be without the PTSD flashbacks of guerrilla-style cyber-bullying attacks? I’ll tell you who; My coworker Melissa Sweeney. With a name like that, you’d think her classmates would’ve jumped at the chance to rebrand her as Smellissa Weenie, but think again. Traditional beauty almost always serves as a barricade to cruelty, and Melissa was no exception.

With her silky blonde hair, perfect physique, and natural charisma, she must have been an impossible target for bullies. The thought of her changing for gym class without the slightest hint of abject fear that someone was about to nickname her Bush Gardens almost makes me sad. It’s incomprehensible to think someone can go through high school without being ridiculed by their peers in a state of complete nudity. What a loser.

Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any worse for her, she told me she was marrying her high school sweetheart. She even showed me pictures from her bachelorette party in Cabo San Lucas, where she and all her girlfriends wore shirts that said “Sip, Sip Hooray,” and “Eat, Drink, and Be Married.” Imagine sleeping with one person who loves you unconditionally for the rest of your life. I’m barely 30 years old and I’ve already slept with twice as many people.

My apologies, but staying in contact with anyone from your high school besides your guidance counselor is a form of emotional stuntedness I cannot relate to. Even though we work the same job, receive the same benefits, and live in similar neighborhoods, I’ll bet my entire rock collection that I lead a much more fulfilling extracurricular lifestyle than she does. What makes me so sure? High school taught me that someone always loses.

Smashing Pumpkins Announce Reunion With Original Billy Corgan

Posted on by Jon Wood

CHICAGO — Alternative rock legends Smashing Pumpkins announced that they will be reuniting their founding roster, which includes drummer Jimmy Chamberlin, guitarist James Iha, bassist D’arcy Wretzky, and – much to the delight of long-time fans – original frontman Billy Corgan, who has been conspicuously absent since the band first called it quits in 2000.

“The ‘90s were an unbelievable time for us, everything was going great, and the next thing you know we’re a completely different band whose leader suddenly cares more about making wrestling videos and whining to Alex Jones about poor people who don’t pay any taxes,” said Chamberlin. “But thankfully that was just a phase and we look forward to welcoming back Billy Corgan the tortured virtuoso and insufferable control freak we’ve been missing all these years.”

Among fans nostalgic for the era when Smashing Pumpkins helped to define the alternative category with iconic albums like ‘Gish’ and ‘Siamese Dream,’ the prospect of the band’s return to form has been well-received.

“It’s about goddamn time! Smashing Pumpkins haven’t been good since they replaced Billy Corgan with that smug conservative troll who refused to play any of their hits live,” said fan Sara Chensley. “You’d think that someone who identifies as a ‘free-market libertarian capitalist’ would’ve realized that performing a three-hour set of Zwan B-sides to fans that paid $200 a ticket just to sing along to a couple bangers is not a sound commercial strategy.”

Following the band’s official announcement, Corgan took to Twitter to voice his enthusiastic support.

“Today is the greatest day I’ve ever known! I want to first express my humble appreciation to all the fans, without whom I would be a talentless hack with zero confidence or creative vision. Also, words cannot convey the respect and admiration I feel for my bandmates, who each play their instruments to sober perfection. Teamwork makes the dream work,” said Corgan. “And finally, as a small token of my gratitude, I will be donating my entire share of the proceeds from our upcoming tour to the progressive fight against income inequality and tax breaks for wealthy corporations. Tickets are on sale now, see you on the road!”

At press time, the above tweets have been deleted and the official Smashing Pumpkins website has posted a statement from Billy Corgan announcing that all members of the band have been fired and that the tour will proceed as a solo performance, meaning no refunds will be issued.

Photo by Sven Mandel.

Why I Quit My Job and Left My Wife To Defend Elon Musk Online Full Time

Posted on by Zach Hudson

Like Elon Musk, I’m a doer, not a talker. So when I noticed the online attacks against my hero started to ramp up, I knew I could no longer stand idly by, which is why I quit my job and left my wife to defend Elon online full-time.

Of course, I’ve been a white knight to Elon on Twitter and Reddit for years. I can’t tell you how many late nights I’ve argued with strangers on the internet trying to slander his good reputation. But life kept getting in the way. I’d keep getting pulled into Zoom meetings just as I was about to epically destroy far-left haters presenting what some consider “factual, valid criticism of Musk” as if such a thing exists.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when my wife took my phone out of my hands just as I was about to tweet a rage-face comic at some supposed engineer criticizing the new Tesla models because “I was making us later for dinner with her parents” or something like that. I knew then that if I was going to get serious about this work, I had to remove all unnecessary distractions from my life; so I told my boss to shove it, packed my bags, and left my wife.

Not only is defending everything that Musk does the correct and moral thing to do, but it’s also a long-term investment. If you think he doesn’t notice us, his grand army of white knights, you’re wrong. And one day we will reap the rewards. Everyone thought I was crazy for quitting a job I could have gotten a full pension from, but that’s not going to matter once I’m living on the Mars colony.

Hell, I bet if I work really hard, Elon will waive my $8 monthly Twitter verification fee. I’ll of course be donating it to SpaceX though.

Sure, I miss my wife. Sometimes I get lonely being in this motel room I’ve been living in, but the truth is I’ve been so busy scrolling Reddit comments in search of Elon haters that I’ve barely noticed she’s gone. This was inevitable anyways. We’ve grown apart over the years. Anytime I’d show her a meme Elon posted, or try to tell her about one of his epic trolls, she wasn’t interested. It was clear that our values no longer aligned.

Elon hasn’t responded to any of the screenshots I’ve sent showing him the libtards I’ve destroyed, but that’s just because he’s been so busy with the Twitter deal. He notices me, and when he’s not so busy he’ll reply and tell me that I’m a good boy. He will. I just know he will.

Sex Offender Going Door to Door Telling Neighbors He’s Running for Congress

Posted on by Sean Fallon

TAMPA, Fla. — Registered sex offender Owen Blevins repeated a familiar process of going door to door in his local suburb, but this time it is to inform neighbors that he is running for Congress, apathetic sources confirm.

“After I was sentenced I felt lost. I wasn’t able to coach middle school volleyball anymore, I couldn’t mentor kids at the playground, my life had no purpose,” said Blevins, who has numerous convictions related to sexual offenses and is polling well with Republicans in his home state of Florida. “No one would hire me, my family looked down on me, and my friends didn’t return my calls. I was watching the bills pile up when, in the end, I realized the only job I could get with my record was in government. I started a grassroots campaign on Facebook by claiming all Democrats eat children. I started gaining a pretty loyal following and I knew I had to throw my hat in the ring.”

The few normal residents in Blevin’s neighborhood shared their concerns at the weekly meeting of the cul-de-sac watch group that was set up after he moved into town.

“We always knew there was something weird about him from the first moment we met him,” said Phoebe McIntyre, Blevins’ next-door neighbor and owner of the bushes Blevins often hides in to watch the school buses arrive. “But even with his creepiness, soaking wet handshakes, and general unlikability we never could have thought he would be anything as disgusting as a potential Congressman. To be completely honest, I wish I was actually a little more surprised. This feels a touch too expected.”

Local Republican political leaders are reportedly delighted with Blevins’ efforts in the run-up to this year’s important midterm elections.

“This kind of door-to-door, burning shoe leather campaigning is exactly what the GOP needs in these modern digital times. With everything from abortion rights to inflation, we need all the help we can get, ” said Ross Reagan, head of the Tampa Republicans and two time “guest” on Chris Hansen’s “To Catch a Predator.” “Actually, thinking about it, I don’t remember him ever claiming to be a Republican, but come on…the odds are pretty good. Nearly 100%.”

Sex trafficker and politician Matt Gaetz couldn’t be reached for his take on these events, because he is inexplicably still in office and probably going to run for President in 2024.

Studio Orders Two More Kids from Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke

Posted on by Kyle Stanley

BURBANK, Calif. — Executives at Columbia Pictures ordered the production of two more children from the talented loins of Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke thanks to the ongoing success of their daughter and “Stranger Things” star Maya Hawke, confirmed industry insiders.

“The ascent of Maya Hawke has made one thing clear; the combination of a vulnerable ninja goddess and an unshaven slacker fuckboy will generate a bonafide film and television star,” said Beth Lipschulz, Columbia’s VP of Forced Birth. “Maya can do anything either of her parents can do — from spending a contemplative day with Julie Delpy to killing dozens of men in a restaurant. And if her parents’ next litter has half of Maya’s ability, we’ll be raking in awards until we die in an avalanche of money in one of our dozens of palatial estates.”

A representative for the family says the couple is hopeful they can begin work in the early parts of next year.

“Uma and Ethan have been divorced for nearly 16 years, but they know when they come together they produce quality content. Even at their ages, they are confident they have what it takes for a Maya sequel. Columbia has access to the best medical teams in the country, and who can forget that it was Ethan and Uma who pioneered the Gattaca ‘Perfect Child’ DNA Kit back in ‘97,” said family friend Ralph Ored. “Their respective agents are already in negotiations with how to conceive a new child. Ethan is fighting hard for traditional insemination through intercourse, while Uma is pushing for some sort of medical intervention with limited physical touch. Either way, we are excited.”

Child advocacy groups are so far unsure of which side to take on the issue.

“I can’t reconcile the horror of a studio owning a human life with how awesomely badass that life would be,” said Ethel Forsythe of Jerry’s Other Kids, a watchdog for the welfare of young actors. “They’ll be at cooler parties at age seven than I was at 23, and I’m from Silver Lake. The cocaine they’ll be offered in middle school won’t be cut with fuckin’ anything. Pure as the fallen snow. Group sex. Yachts. Know what? Fuck these asshole kids.”

At press time, a viable fetus has been confirmed by a Columbia Pictures publicist. The notes process will now begin and rewrites of the DNA will be ordered as needed.

Landlord Charges Tenant For Extra Hour Gained From Switch Back to Standard Time

Posted on by Tony Morse

PORTLAND, Ore. — An innovative Rose City landlord demanded additional compensation from one of his tenants for the extra hour of rental home possession she captured when the West Coast returned to Pacific Standard Time, exploited sources confirmed.

“Yeah, this isn’t as bad as when I had to give my dog away because I couldn’t afford the increase in pet rent, but it still just shows how fucked up this system is,” said nickel and dimed renter Jenny Stafford. “I’ve been spending all my days off work doing DoorDash to deal with how much my rent went up last year, so I was really looking forward to that extra hour of sleep from ‘Fall Back.’ But then a process server showed up with some notice that said if I didn’t pay $1,850 immediately, the cops would charge me with trespassing. I asked my landlord if he could give me a credit for that hour we lost last Spring, and he told me what a shame it would be if all the landlords in town knew I was such a problem tenant. Oh well, I guess I can pawn my engagement ring again.”

Stafford’s landlord was dismissive of her remonstrances and attributed responsibility for his business practices to the actions of elected officials.

“If these tyrannical extremists in government didn’t put caps on how much I could increase rent every year, I wouldn’t have to pay lawyers thousands of dollars to find workarounds to make up the difference,” remarked local housing magnate Taylor Swarthmore while starting up his brand new Range Rover. “Thanks to commie trade unionists, employers have to pay whiny employees time-and-a-half if they work one second past 40 hours in a week, so I’m not sure how this is any different. This isn’t about money, it’s about principles of fairness and equity for anyone hard-working enough to have inherited multiple properties like myself.”

Political commentators worried this dispute could spill over into ongoing dialogue surrounding Daylight Savings Time reform.

“Those who want permanent DST will start yelling about this next,” opined Josh Barro between bites of his mayonnaise sandwich. “Changing clocks is disrupting rental markets, they’ll say. You know what screws with the housing supply? Forcing people to wake up in the dark more days of the year. They’ll never get out of bed or leave home at all, and there’ll never be a goddamn rental vacancy ever again.”

Swarthmore is currently researching how he could justify a $1,500 rental increase due to the fact scientists say the days on Earth are getting longer by about 0.000018 seconds each year.

Bon Iver Show Drowned Out By Man Loudly Eating Potato Chips

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MADISON, Wis. — Indie folk artist Bon Iver’s recent show at the Iron Plaid was completely drowned out by the sound of some guy eating a bag of potato chips during the set, side-eyed sources confirmed.

“I couldn’t even hear the soft whispers of Bon’s voice over the grotesque sounds of some dude chewing with his mouth wide open,” said showgoer Juliette Burns before providing a demonstration of what it sounded like at the time. “It wasn’t just the crunching sounds either. I’m talking smacking lips, licking fingertips, rifling through the bag, and even releasing an audible ‘Mmmmm’ after every other swallow. You know, all the boisterous elements that involve eating potato chips. It totally ruined my enjoyment of the song ‘Holocene.’ Or maybe it was ‘Skinny Love.’ Honestly, I couldn’t make out anything that was happening on stage through all the chewing sounds. But it did make me suddenly crave a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos for some reason.”

Longtime snacker Rupert Smithe didn’t really see the big deal.

“Nothing complements soft indie folk better than a mouthful of sour cream and onion potato chips,” said Smithe before pulling out his reserve bag of Lays Salt and Vinegar chips that he keeps on him at all times. “That must be why everyone was staring at me instead of Bon Iver the whole time. I just thought they were mad at me for not bringing enough for everyone. Turns out, chips are way louder than an amplified acoustic guitar and the gentle murmurs of one man on stage. Who knew?”

Bon Iver, known by friends and family as Justin Vernon, frequently runs into this issue at his shows.

“Unfortunately, the littlest things will disrupt my otherwise ethereal performances,” said the Grammy-winning musician. “Just last night someone snuck in an entire crudité platter complete with celery, carrots, and a bunch of raw vegetables that I didn’t even know made a sound when you bit into them. As a result, I’m considering implementing a strict ‘no hard foods’ policy at my shows because I simply cannot sing any louder. And I’m really tired of asking the sound guy if I can get less potato chip in the monitor.”

In related news, an Iron and Wine set was recently thwarted by a fan loudly eating a Granny Smith apple.

Opinion: Maybe the Sun Should Cut Back on Starbucks and Save Year Round

Posted on by Jose Balderas

Like clockwork, here comes the Sun telling us we can go back to “Standard Time” as if it’s doing us a favor. First off, when was the last time the sun ever did anything for us? Second, and listen up Sun, if you want to save daylight, stop asking us to bail you out every year only to come back around to the other side of our planet asking for more.

You want to save more daylight? Stop indulging yourself in whatever luxuries you obviously can’t afford because we all know you’re just gonna come back next year asking for more. Cut down on the Starbucks. use public WI-FI. We can’t keep giving you handouts if you can’t learn to keep your savings.

My parents taught me the hard-earned lesson of time management. I knew when to get up, when to eat, when to come back inside after playing, and when it was appropriate to ask for more time. You know when that was? Never. Because if I did, it meant I wasn’t being a responsible son.

Why can’t the Sun just save a little each time it comes out? Maybe put away a few minutes of daylight here and there. Why do we need to work on its schedule to accommodate its needs? I don’t ask it to stretch the day when I need to finish some housework or need a few more minutes to make my podiatrist appointment. Get some time management skills, sun. The moon never asks for shit. It shows up, does some stuff with the tides, and goes home. It doesn’t come groveling every year asking for more moonlight.

Of course, I do enjoy the so-called “extra hour” of sleep when we fall back but in reality, it’s just the hour I already paid into earlier in the year. You’re getting your own hour back, people! I, for one, will not succumb to the demands of a greedy sun looking for a handout. I intend to keep my hard-earned hour year round.

​​Review: RZA “Bobby Digital in Stereo”

Posted on by John Danek

Every Sunday, we dig into the archives to review a classic album. This week, we are taking a look at Wu-Tang Clan leader RZA’s solo album “Bobby Digital in Stereo.”

This epic sci-fi sequel picks up right where the previous entry “Bobby Digital in Mono” ended with its dramatic cliffhanger. To recap: As the year 1930 comes to a close, precocious teen audio engineer Robert Bartholomew Digital, aka Bobby Digital, just slapped a dying Thomas Edison across the face while calling him a “bitch.” In that exact moment of palm-to-cheek contact, Bobby had a vision of music emanating from not just one speaker, but two in a left-right configuration to match the placement of each human ear. The vision overwhelms the boy and he faints.

After its brief intro, “Bobby Digital in Stereo” begins with a chapter titled “B.O.B.B.Y.” where some of Edison’s employees and maids are fanning Bobby, trying to rouse him. When he finally opens his eyes and begins making some coherent groans, the group asks him if he knows his own name. He is initially unresponsive but eventually is able to recall and even spell his own name. They have a massive sex orgy to celebrate. Afterward, Bobby runs out, ecstatic with his new idea.

The next few chapters drag a bit, as they detail Bobby’s process of attempting to devise a way to carry two separate audio signals on a vinyl record at the same time. There is a minor diversion with “Terrorist,” where a disillusioned Bobby quits the audio research field entirely to join a group of right-wing paramilitary fighters in pre-Franco Spain. Eventually, he returns and is able to get the new technology to work. The new technology shocks people. In a public demonstration at the World’s Fair, Mr. Digital plays the sound of a train moving left to right; many in attendance hit the floor, thinking they are about to get struck by a train. He sells his new technology to various companies, making millions in the process.

But unfortunately, an error on the patent application leads to Bobby Digital’s stereo creation becoming public domain. He quickly loses his money. When he is down to his final dollar in his pocket, he daydreams about what it means to have 1 dollar vs. 0 dollars. In this moment, he is struck with a vision. Can the entire world be represented with 1’s and 0’s?

The series concludes with Part 3: “Bobby Digital in Digital.”

SCORE: 6/7.1 Channels of Surround Sound

/**/

Band Releases Signature Coffee Beans to Let Fans Know They’re Done Making Good Music

Posted on by Mark Hassenfratz

RENO, Nev. – Local doom metal darlings Swamp Creatures released their new signature coffee beans to let their fans they’re absolutely done making good music, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Listen, this has been a long time coming and I want to be honest with our fans,” said frontman Blake Kurtz. “We’ve been running out of steam since we dropped our 2014 record, ‘Swamp Creatures Strike Back.’ We’re certainly not getting any younger and neither are our fans, so this just seems like the best way for us to get some cash without going into the studio again. The signature Bog Monster Blend is inspired by everything our band is about–the need for energy on long tours, giving our fans a quality product they’re gonna love, and diversifying our income streams so we can all pay down our credit card debts.”

Fans expressed a mixture of excitement and sadness at the bands announcement.

“I’ve loved Swamp Creatures since I was in high school, man,” said self-proclaimed superfan Ian Taylor. “As great as it was to see them on their reunion tour, it’s really nice to know I don’t have to get my hopes up about the quality of their new releases anymore. The coffee’s great, too! I have it every morning to remind myself it’s ok to let things you love die.”

Food and drink blogger Casey Carmichael remarked that Swamp Creature’s latest business venture is part of a much larger trend.

“It’s definitely become more commonplace for bands to release a coffee blend when they’re ready to give up, creatively speaking,” Carmichael said while throwing away a full bag of Bog Monster blend sent to him as PR. “Studies have shown that as fans age, they’re more likely to buy whatever thing their favorite band slaps their name on. It’s a perfectly sound decision for a band rapidly running out of ideas.”

At press time, the band members of Swamp Creatures were seen brainstorming ideas for their collaboration with a local brewery.

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