TAMPA, Fla. — Registered sex offender Owen Blevins repeated a familiar process of going door to door in his local suburb, but this time it is to inform neighbors that he is running for Congress, apathetic sources confirm.
“After I was sentenced I felt lost. I wasn’t able to coach middle school volleyball anymore, I couldn’t mentor kids at the playground, my life had no purpose,” said Blevins, who has numerous convictions related to sexual offenses and is polling well with Republicans in his home state of Florida. “No one would hire me, my family looked down on me, and my friends didn’t return my calls. I was watching the bills pile up when, in the end, I realized the only job I could get with my record was in government. I started a grassroots campaign on Facebook by claiming all Democrats eat children. I started gaining a pretty loyal following and I knew I had to throw my hat in the ring.”
The few normal residents in Blevin’s neighborhood shared their concerns at the weekly meeting of the cul-de-sac watch group that was set up after he moved into town.
“We always knew there was something weird about him from the first moment we met him,” said Phoebe McIntyre, Blevins’ next-door neighbor and owner of the bushes Blevins often hides in to watch the school buses arrive. “But even with his creepiness, soaking wet handshakes, and general unlikability we never could have thought he would be anything as disgusting as a potential Congressman. To be completely honest, I wish I was actually a little more surprised. This feels a touch too expected.”
Local Republican political leaders are reportedly delighted with Blevins’ efforts in the run-up to this year’s important midterm elections.
“This kind of door-to-door, burning shoe leather campaigning is exactly what the GOP needs in these modern digital times. With everything from abortion rights to inflation, we need all the help we can get, ” said Ross Reagan, head of the Tampa Republicans and two time “guest” on Chris Hansen’s “To Catch a Predator.” “Actually, thinking about it, I don’t remember him ever claiming to be a Republican, but come on…the odds are pretty good. Nearly 100%.”
Sex trafficker and politician Matt Gaetz couldn’t be reached for his take on these events, because he is inexplicably still in office and probably going to run for President in 2024.