BURBANK, Calif. — Executives at Columbia Pictures ordered the production of two more children from the talented loins of Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke thanks to the ongoing success of their daughter and “Stranger Things” star Maya Hawke, confirmed industry insiders.
“The ascent of Maya Hawke has made one thing clear; the combination of a vulnerable ninja goddess and an unshaven slacker fuckboy will generate a bonafide film and television star,” said Beth Lipschulz, Columbia’s VP of Forced Birth. “Maya can do anything either of her parents can do — from spending a contemplative day with Julie Delpy to killing dozens of men in a restaurant. And if her parents’ next litter has half of Maya’s ability, we’ll be raking in awards until we die in an avalanche of money in one of our dozens of palatial estates.”
A representative for the family says the couple is hopeful they can begin work in the early parts of next year.
“Uma and Ethan have been divorced for nearly 16 years, but they know when they come together they produce quality content. Even at their ages, they are confident they have what it takes for a Maya sequel. Columbia has access to the best medical teams in the country, and who can forget that it was Ethan and Uma who pioneered the Gattaca ‘Perfect Child’ DNA Kit back in ‘97,” said family friend Ralph Ored. “Their respective agents are already in negotiations with how to conceive a new child. Ethan is fighting hard for traditional insemination through intercourse, while Uma is pushing for some sort of medical intervention with limited physical touch. Either way, we are excited.”
Child advocacy groups are so far unsure of which side to take on the issue.
“I can’t reconcile the horror of a studio owning a human life with how awesomely badass that life would be,” said Ethel Forsythe of Jerry’s Other Kids, a watchdog for the welfare of young actors. “They’ll be at cooler parties at age seven than I was at 23, and I’m from Silver Lake. The cocaine they’ll be offered in middle school won’t be cut with fuckin’ anything. Pure as the fallen snow. Group sex. Yachts. Know what? Fuck these asshole kids.”
At press time, a viable fetus has been confirmed by a Columbia Pictures publicist. The notes process will now begin and rewrites of the DNA will be ordered as needed.