MADISON, Wis. — Indie folk artist Bon Iver’s recent show at the Iron Plaid was completely drowned out by the sound of some guy eating a bag of potato chips during the set, side-eyed sources confirmed.
“I couldn’t even hear the soft whispers of Bon’s voice over the grotesque sounds of some dude chewing with his mouth wide open,” said showgoer Juliette Burns before providing a demonstration of what it sounded like at the time. “It wasn’t just the crunching sounds either. I’m talking smacking lips, licking fingertips, rifling through the bag, and even releasing an audible ‘Mmmmm’ after every other swallow. You know, all the boisterous elements that involve eating potato chips. It totally ruined my enjoyment of the song ‘Holocene.’ Or maybe it was ‘Skinny Love.’ Honestly, I couldn’t make out anything that was happening on stage through all the chewing sounds. But it did make me suddenly crave a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos for some reason.”
Longtime snacker Rupert Smithe didn’t really see the big deal.
“Nothing complements soft indie folk better than a mouthful of sour cream and onion potato chips,” said Smithe before pulling out his reserve bag of Lays Salt and Vinegar chips that he keeps on him at all times. “That must be why everyone was staring at me instead of Bon Iver the whole time. I just thought they were mad at me for not bringing enough for everyone. Turns out, chips are way louder than an amplified acoustic guitar and the gentle murmurs of one man on stage. Who knew?”
Bon Iver, known by friends and family as Justin Vernon, frequently runs into this issue at his shows.
“Unfortunately, the littlest things will disrupt my otherwise ethereal performances,” said the Grammy-winning musician. “Just last night someone snuck in an entire crudité platter complete with celery, carrots, and a bunch of raw vegetables that I didn’t even know made a sound when you bit into them. As a result, I’m considering implementing a strict ‘no hard foods’ policy at my shows because I simply cannot sing any louder. And I’m really tired of asking the sound guy if I can get less potato chip in the monitor.”
In related news, an Iron and Wine set was recently thwarted by a fan loudly eating a Granny Smith apple.