DUBAI â Attendees of the COP28 Climate Summit set aside the solutions to impending climate catastrophe after being dazzled by the inclusion of an ostentatious crude oil fountain in the dining hall, event coordinators have reported.
“I understand that weâre here to figure out how humanity will stave off the coming climate apocalypse, but I’ll be damned if that oil fountain isn’t the coolest shit I’ve seen in a long time. It even does the thing where it spurts out to project images of objects. Absolutely blew my tits off,” said English ambassador Roger Cummings. “I can’t believe I was concerned with the summit being spearheaded by the CEO of the largest oil company in the Middle East! Between the fountain and the indoor go kart track tournament tonight, I think we can put the fate of humanity aside to enjoy ourselves for a bit.”
The host of COP28, CEO of Abu Dhabi National Oil Company Dr. Sultan al-Jaber, said the fountain was the centerpiece of the entire event.
“We are committed to taking on the challenges of climate change, but this is Dubai and in this city we love two things: flashy opulence and black gold. This fountain is connected to a well we drilled under the event center, and metaphorically into the minds and wallets of politicians who want to cut into our profit margins just to buy the Earth a few more years of being hospitable,” said al-Jaber. “Look how they gawk at it! They don’t even care that this summit is a farce, they just want selfies with a glorified lawn decoration. Though this is nothing compared to the one in my underground doomsday bunker.”
Event planners for the summit who cater to the wealthy and powerful noted that the fountain and other gaudy distractions usually drive ulterior motives.
“Whenever some rabble-rousers begin to challenge the machinations that keep them poor and sick, they naturally turn to their elected representatives to resolve the issue. So then it falls on me to throw lavish parties hosted by industry leaders and lobbyists to ensure nothing changes even if it’s an event that looks good for the papers,” said Elias Downey. “The fountain was easy, but you should’ve seen the strings we pulled to prevent Nancy Pelosi blocking members of Congress from trading stocks. It’s not easy to procure a golden unicorn that shoots money out of its horn!”
As of press time, summit organizers unveiled a dunk tank where attendees could sink a climate activist into an oil drum.
Scene-ioritis? GODSPEED! Although The Red Jumpsuit Apparatusâ sophomore album âLonely Road,â was ambitious in the way that the band temporarily fled the scene world for a Sunset Strip â80s metal vibe, it was a misfire amongst fans and the like, and thus, its title was unintentionally accurate. The record debuted at number fourteen on the Billboard 200, but quickly faded away shortly after, and would be the bandâs last full-length studio album on a major label. Vocalist Ronnie Winterâs voice hit notes that were higher than most on âThe Up in Smoke Tourâ here, but thatâs where the fun ended, and critics from much inferior publications echoed said sentiments on pen, paper, pleads, postcards, and other âPâ words.
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatusâ fifth and most recent LP is the first good album to be mentioned here. Many readers here may not know this but The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is a Christian Rock band, and the highlighted âplay it againâ track here,âOn Becoming Willing,â topped the Christian Rock Billboard charts for quite some time, whilst staying under the radar amongst non-denominational punks of all shapes and sizes. âThe Awakeningâ is also a concept album, and the first of such in the bandâs catalog. Itâs been nearly six years since this record hit stores (remember those?) and RJA fans all over the world are eagerly waiting for another, especially given the fact that the aughts rock boom is now nostalgia music, so there is more than some unfinished business on the proverbial table.
Starting with a haunting piano intro via album opener âGrimm 2.0â which was reminiscent of Tim Burton films, â4â deserves your attention and affection if you missed it in 2014; ignorance is not bliss here and youâre the mocking Jay, Captain Hunger Games. If you heard it then and/or still vibe with it today, Jesus and/or Moses may be your rock star; we know, right? Fun fact: This album exists because of some of you hardcore RJA fanboys and fangirls reading here who donated to the bandâs fundraising IndieGoGo campaign; it was you⊠The right direction!
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus made the correct calculated move by working with scene svengali John Feldmann of No Use For A Name on their third LP âAm I the Enemy.â If you still need to ask, âWhere are the heroes?,â donât lose hope, donât you fake it, do not pass go/collect $200, and listen to this one front to back for little filler and/or questions as to why this band was hugely successful and still converts new heads on the daily. The band used to look to you for direction, but that was before they saw the deception that was hidden behind your eyes. Deep? Yes, but that was just your empty pride in RJA lyric form.
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatusâ breakout LP is a âno skipâ effort that counterbalances the duds on album 2, the inconsistencies on albums 4 and 5, and the almost perfect third LP. This record is so good that it has another version known as âDonât You Fake It (Alliance Edition),â but only check that one out after you listen to this one seventeen (ainât so sweet) times; if you choose that one first, your emo hearts will forever feel disconnected with a combination of solo misery and damn regret. If youâre still a hater regarding this bandâs inclusion here, go to their Spotify and marvel at the hundreds of millions of streams and the near five million monthly listeners; for context, Yellowcard has nearly one million less monthly listeners and Skankinâ Pickle has just over twenty-three thousand.
Stealing goes against the code of the Samurai so we will stay clean during the film out of respect. But we still might pirate the soundtrack on LimeWire.
This biography told through symbolism and metaphors is one of the most visually pleasing films to ever exist. To symbolize our thievery actions, we will be providing finger shaped coupons, five to be exact, laid out to represent our five-finger discount. The coupons will each be dipped in honey to ensure they are sticky fingers as well. If you complain that the metaphor is too obvious and mixed, well EXCUSE us for not exactly being Armenian poet Sayat-Nova, let alone Sergei Parajanov!
Danny Boyleâs debut film about flatmates turning on each other will be a nice prelude to when you turn on your own roommates because you think they used up all the toilet paper. The truth is that we took it, but weâll never tell.
Although this is through Criterion and therefore should be watched through a film theory eye, playing the music of these Beastie Boys is still a cultural significance that one is throwing a party. People will be hearing “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” outside your home and immediately know it is okay to head over. We will be playing the role of the worst party guests by drinking all your beer, pocketing ashtrays, and stealing jewelry from your bedroom.
“Pink Flamingos” may be the big one, but the Odor-Rama scratch-n-sniff card that is to be used while watching John water’s 1981 classic is perfect for distracting that all your glade plug-ins have gone into our pockets.
This movie features the kind of unsimulated disturbing imagery typically saved for weird links teenagers stumble upon when online too much. As an American you may find it hard to decipher what the rich businessman in a cowboy hat urinating on people named Mr. Kapital may represent. Between the extremely subtle political statements and a collection of sexual acts that are totally not controversial in any form, it makes me want to say no to capitalism, no to communism, let us follow the politics of the mighty ant by stealing your sugar for our queen.
Snoochies boochies, we swiped your hockey jerseys!
Contemporary artist Takashi Murakami makes his debut as a director with a film that is loosely just PokĂ©mon. Let Murakami’s trademark overbearing positivity wash over you as we take your prized possession, your holographic Charizard.
Draags a race of aliens who wear ripped spandex and are too busy doing new-age activities to notice how miserable their pets are. We all knew people like that when we were 19 but this time theyâre blue giants with fins for ears. Experience a world of psychedelic empathy towards animals being transmitted into your pineal gland as some funky prog rock plays. We will be taking your lava lamps now.
“Repo Man” is a desolate alternate world where products don’t have any graphic design or mascots on them. Just thinking of the movie makes us glad to live in a world where the Cheerios Honey Bee exists. Enjoy the amazing soundtrack and fun acting of Emilio Estevez while we take all your name-brand products.
A goth boy falls in love with an elderly hippie who teaches him how to be a silly goose. Laugh together with this dark comedy on embracing life while we smuggle your toaster oven under your shirt. Only depressed people cook with those anyway.
Soviet movies are always so upbeat, so this one about a Nazi occupation must be no different. This example of vicarious PTSD is the kind of film you make British gang members watch while you perform prison experiments to make them give up listening to Beethoven and wearing codpieces. With any luck, you too will be disposing of your Beethoven records and codpieces in the trash for us to take. Cheer up though, Nazis were defeated and now we donât have to worry about any other governments committing war crimes, right?
Queen Elizabeth I has time-traveled to see our beautiful England destroyed in the ruins of punk rock. Derek Jarmanâs safety-pinned satire stars several punk icons of the scene playing broke, violent wankers who keep their mattresses on the floor. Everyone in this movie may sleep on the floor, but not in the real world, not anymore. The point Iâm saying is that we took your bed frame.
Tarkovsky brings a slow, atmospheric aesthetic to give the viewer a real feeling of what it is like to journey through the mysterious wasteland known only as âThe Zoneâ. You will be sucked into this desolate world of uncertainty and wonder if the journey to the âRoomâ is worth it all. Do you truly know what your deepest desires are? I know what mine are and it’s to have your autographed Bon Jovi poster.
Watch Spike Lee’s 1989 film on racism, police brutality, and reactions to it with your whitest friend. If you are white, watch it with your most racist relative. Afterwards discuss Mookieâs actions to reveal enough about the person afterwards. To make it more immersive to the film we will be taking your air conditioner.
Criterion films are your new flesh. The outstanding special effects and acting of Debbie Harry is but one cell of this new skin. Your new flesh tells your senses that you no longer need your Furby collection. Give it to us.
Try the Chit Chat Challenge. Youâve lived next to your neighbor for two years and still donât know his name, so can you converse with them for more than three minutes? The hardest part is the phrases, âNice weather weâre havingâ and âDid you catch the game last night?â are strictly forbidden. Bonus points if you can record the interaction without making it look like youâre about to run to the HOA and accuse them of stealing your mail.
Do you have what it takes to impress a room full of family members that you havenât seen in a decade? This is more of a challenge for millennials who have no idea what artists the DJ is playing, so unless you plan on doing the ârunning manâ for three hours straight you better bring your A-game.
There is a shocking number of legal adults who do not know how to boil water. In the name of all that is holy, it’s two fucking steps. Each day we are inching closer to midnight on the Idiocracy doomsday clock and may soon find ourselves wondering again if the sun revolves around the Earth. In the name of all that is holy just prove that you can make macaroni and cheese.
Everyone has failed this challenge. Donât even bother, it doesnât matter.
Hey, remember being alone with your thoughts? Try recording yourself driving to work or whatever destination causes you the most stress without a podcast about dead white women or the same album youâre been listening to since you were 17. You might finally figure out how to get your life together, but there have been a few challengers whoâve tried this and gone insane. Remember: if you stare into the interstate, the interstate stares back.
Jesus once said that man cannot survive on bread alone, but that was before it cost $7 a loaf. Since it costs half a paycheck if you want produce not seasoned by pesticides, those who’ve answered the challenge have found nifty life hacks to stretch their budget. Spoiler alert: it’s shoplifting.