Meet the Nepo Baby Who Beat the Odds by Achieving Nothing

Posted on by KC Jones

While the music scene surges with nepo babies, one musician breaks the mold. Meet Graham Miller, a 26-year-old artist who defied the insurmountable odds by achieving nothing despite abundant connections and wealth.

Graham comes from a distinguished film family led by his Academy Award-winning father, George Miller. At first, the musician took the common approach of the rich and well-connected: choosing to simulate poverty.

“People love an underdog, so I kept my background under wraps.” Still, the musician revealed the substantial investments made on his behalf behind the scenes—singing lessons, top-tier equipment, professional management, and extensive marketing—all of which seem to have been in vain.

Former classmates, however, tell a different story. One recalled “Oh we all knew. He’d start namedropping within the first 5 minutes of meeting him.” Another stated: “Playing coffee shops is cool, but then you find out who his dad is and it’s like wow, he should be doing way better than he is.”

He eventually tried to lean into it, desperately leveraging his father’s status. “I thought, you know, maybe the fact that my dad directed “Babe 2: Pig In The City” might come in clutch. I mean, who didn’t like “Babe?”

The musician stated that while it was disheartening to exhaust every industry connection at his disposal and still come up short, it proves that privilege and class matter far less than people think.

Still, this doesn’t explain the fact that many of his peers have been able to use their connections to their advantage– In a music industry where nepotism is often scrutinized, these so-called nepo babies tend to defend themselves by claiming the business is a meritocracy. “I resent that because, like, what about me? No, it’s gotta be something else.”

In Graham’s perspective, If individuals from different financial backgrounds can find success in the music industry “There seems to be an intangible, inherent quality crucial for creating great art that transcends class. And if I can’t use my dad’s money to buy whatever that is am I really all that privileged?”

Crust Punk Siphons Gas for the Flavor

Posted on by Alec Walker

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local Crust Punk Jonas “Spleege” Johnson was recently released from county jail after explaining to authorities he was only siphoning that gas for its exquisite flavor, multiple sources confirmed.

“I don’t see anything wrong with having a little tasty fun. Once the sun sets and my shit-covered black leather jacket is veiled by the dark of night, it’s gas-sucking time,“ said Johnson, while somehow still reeking of cigarettes despite being drenched in gasoline. “I’d put the gas in my own car, but it’s in the shop right now, which is to say it’s beneath an underpass, has zero wheels, and is honestly more of a tent at this point. I just needed an excuse to sneak a little taste of the good shit, or, more accurately, a few sustained gulps like I’m shotgunning a beer.”

PPD Deputy Brunt Miller weighed in on Johnson’s apprehension.

“We’ve arrested this freak like ninety times, but he always gets off scot-free,” said Miller while curiously Googling “ok to drink gas Reddit” in incognito mode. “His defense in court is that no harm has been done because he always leaves a few bucks under the windshield wiper of the cars after he’s finished, and only does it because ‘it tastes like the forbidden elixir of the gods I don’t believe in.’ That line is honestly sick as hell, but it’s getting out of hand. He started doing it to everyone’s cars in the precinct parking lot. It’s like he’s taunting us.”

Former punk and one of Johnson’s victims Gertrude Wilhelm shared a gentler perspective.

“I don’t know, I just think he’s such a sweetie. It reminds me of my punk days. My friends and I would hang out, or I guess live, on the sidewalk next to an abandoned J.C. Penney and boof antifreeze,” said Wilhem nostalgically. “I always have a gas tank ready and waiting in a tree whenever he wants to climb up for a sip. It’s like a bird feeder, if bird feeders were filled with premium high-octane diesel for adult men.”

At press time, Johnson was seen skulking his way onto the tarmac to go after “his white whale,” 747 jet fuel.

Six Songs We’re Listening to This Week While Waiting For Our Parolee To Let Us Know If We Can See Slayer At Riot Fest

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another week, another slew of new music that you can’t be bothered to listen to. What happened to you? You used to have your finger on the pulse, man. In fact, you WERE the pulse. Now look at you. Scrolling through your phone on the couch while a rerun of “The Office” plays in the background for the millionth time. Good god. We’d say it’s depressing, but there has to be a worse and more dramatic word for whatever this situation is.

It’s time to fix yourself, dear reader. Time to shake off the dust from an uneventful period of your time on this Earth and start living again. Because we know this will be hard for you, we’re giving you a head start with some of the best songs we’ve been listening to this week.

Laura Jane Grace “Punk Rock In Basements”

Last week, Laura Jane Grace released her excellent solo album, ‘Hole In My Head.’ After two relatively stripped-down releases, ‘Stay Alive’ and ‘At War With the Silverfish,’ Grace’s latest is a return to form as refreshing as it is electric. Classics abound on this one as the songwriter combines subdued acoustics with more uproarious numbers, never once dialing back the intensity that has come to define her. The unbridled vulnerability of her lyricism shines throughout as one would expect, but you’d be hard-pressed to find a song as nostalgic and aged as ‘Punk Rock In Basements.’

Alcest “L’Envol”

Underground black metal and shoegaze legends, Alcest just announced their seventh album ‘Les Chants De L’Aurore,’ their first since 2019’s ‘Spiritual Instinct.’ The lead single ‘L’Envol’ – which is French for ‘flight’ – skews more heavily toward the duo’s predilection shoegaze, as it’s slow, meandering, and gorgeous arrangement soars over peaks of peaks of fuzzed out bliss before diving into valleys of proggy, dreamy soundscapes. Maybe we’re taking the flight metaphor too far here, but tell us with a straight face that you don’t feel like some sort of chimeric bird while spinning this one.

Too Many Zooz “Nowhere Else to Go”

Every week we bring you the latest in punk, hardcore, and indie. We have a great time doing it, too, but as our Managing Editor pointed out while threatening to publicly release our Google search history on the main page of the site: we rarely bring you fringe, genre-less instrumental jams. It’s not just our embarrassing WebMD search that made us realize she’s right. Enter Too Many Zooz, whose career thus far has seen them transform from New York City subway buskers to overnight viral sensation who collaborate with fucking Beyoncé. Their latest single ‘Nowhere Else to Go’ is a chaotic multi-genre mash-up that will burrow its way into your already decaying brain faster than you can say ‘what the fuck is this?’

MGMT “Dancing In Babylon (feat. Christine and the Queens)”

Your dealer may be out of shrooms again, but he’s definitely picked up a deluxe version of MGMT’s new album ‘Loss of Life’ which finally dropped earlier this week. You didn’t have time to listen since you immediately left upon hearing of the aforementioned stock issue, but it’s still worth a visit. The album marks a return to the band’s experimental forays into psychedelia heard on their divisive sophomore ‘Congratulations’ but with a more theatrical bent. Their latest single, ‘Dancing In Babylon,’ which features Christine and the Queens, plays out like a cast recording from a rejected late ’80s Broadway production. That might not sound like a compliment, but we can assure you we would absolutely watch the hell out of that play if it existed.

Empty Heaven “Hauntology”

San Antonio’s Empty Heaven is crafting some of the most satisfying emo-core we’ve heard in years. Imagine a fictional supergroup composed of members of Say Anything, Cursive, mewithoutYOU, and so on, and it would still be hard to get close to the chaos that permeates the duo’s latest single ‘Hauntology.’ Dissonant guitars fight an impassioned vocal for the spotlight as the metaphorical stage gets smaller and smaller. Things feel increasingly claustrophobic by the track’s end. If by this point you feel like you’ve been through the emotional wringer, we’d have to guess that means the composition had the desired effect, although it’s possible that’s just your MO. We know it’s been a rough couple months for you, it’s okay.

Slayer “Raining Blood”

You may have heard your drunkest and loudest friend screaming ‘SLAAAAAYERRRRR’ earlier this week. This isn’t out of the ordinary for them, so you likely thought nothing of it when it occurred. Turns out, your ol’ chap had a valid reason this time, as the band announced two reunion sets at this year’s Riot Fest and Louder Than Life. This exciting and unexpected announcement definitively proves the old adage: ‘if you miss a legendary band’s final tour, just wait a few years until they run out of money and play Riot Fest.’ To ensure productivity remains a top priority, Hard Times HQ have made both Riot Fest and Louder Than Life PTO blackout days. As a reminder to all employees reading this, ‘blackout’ means you can’t request vacation time, not ‘get pants-pissing drunk at the Slayer show.’

Even though you just said ‘sick, I’ll check it out later,’ we know you better at this point. You have no intention of listening to any of these songs. Admit it. That’s why we created a playlist for you, so all you need to do is click here, and let the tunes roll. We update it every week too, so there’s no excuse not to have better taste from this point forward.

5 Other Things Made for Horses You Can Enjoy While on Ketamine

Posted on by Tim Sheard

We all know that ketamine is actually for horses. Well, technically for various veterinary and medical uses, but mostly horses. Still, humans have been enjoying (and not enjoying) the effects of K for decades now. Unfortunately, very few people are aware that other things made for horses can also be fun for humans, especially when your are loaded off of your tits on ketamine.

Here’s a list of the best horse paraphernalia, gear, and accessories to really hone in on your equine side while taking a tranquilizer.

Himalayan Salt Lick Block

These big hunks of pink salt on a rope are…exactly as described. You (or a horse) lick it, and it’s salty. On ketamine, it’s a textural adventure for your tongue! It also provides some minerals and nutrients apparently? You’ll probably need those since you’re deficient in everything except vitamin K.

Horse Grooming Brush

These coarse bristle brushes are sure to hit the spot—just look how much horses love them! Imagine how good it must feel to have someone brush your back as you’re laying face down on the couch incapacitated, staring at the crumbs in between the cushions.

A Saddle

A saddle is the perfect accessory for ket users who are out at a rave or club. Show off your unique sense of style while also not-so-subtly hinting that you want someone to ride you! Will you actually be able to have sex while on this stuff? Not likely. But you can at least lay in bed next to someone with your saddle on and they can, I dunno, wrap their legs around it or something?

A Stable

Picture this: you’re having a good time, but then all of a sudden, you feel a serious k-hole coming on. You’re about to lose connection to the outside world. As you stumble over, you land in something soft. It’s a pile of hay! You’re in your own little enclosure, safe from the elements and free to drool all over yourself. With your own personal stable, you can make this dream a reality. You can even drink from a trough and lick your new salt block!

More Ketamine?

You may not be 1,200 pounds of fur and muscle, but dammit all if more ketamine wouldn’t hit the god damn spot right now! Giddy up!

New Relationship Entered Mostly as Excuse to Rewatch Favorite Movies

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

ORLANDO, Fla. — Local cinephile Misty Fremonta started seeing a new guy as an excuse to rewatch her favorite films during the “courtship” process, sources confirmed amid the sound of a copy of “Defending Your Life” being popped into the VCR.

“I was a little on the fence about this meathead I was talking to on Hinge. Not really anyone of substance, but handsome enough. Anyway, turns out, he’s so into me that we can basically watch whatever I want when we get together for date nights, so I figure, what the hell – a way to rewatch stuff I’ve seen a million times and feel like I’m being constructive,” said Fremonta, while ignoring a FaceTime from her new paramour. “It’s the perfect excuse. It took him a few Preston Sturges flicks to learn I don’t condone male chatter during viewings, but once he learned to come over, sit on the far end of the couch, and leave shortly after, it’s pretty much been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.”

Fremonta’s new suitor is allegedly having a positive experience acquainting himself with the world of film without the burden of physical contact with another human being.

“Oh yeah, I love the movies she chooses. Especially the ones with no color, I’m told those are the ones I’m having the best time watching. I always secretly hope the Three Stooges show up whenever I see something in black and white, but ‘Casablanca’ didn’t have them, but it was still good…Still good,” trailed-off part-time tire alignment technician and recent Criterion Channel subscriber Dave Szyminski. “Yeah, but as much as I’m having a blast hanging out with her, I do hope the next time she says I can put on ‘Rudy’ she’ll actually mean it. Little guy just wants to play football so badly. It’s a, what does she call it… oh yeah, a ‘cinematic triumph’!”

Representatives of the film logging social media app Letterboxd confirmed that watch patterns change suddenly in these situations.

“It’s a terribly common case, in fact. Without fail, we always see a, shall we say, ‘erudite’ spike in simpler straight male watch history once they enter a relationship with a cinephile. It would be fascinating if it weren’t such a shame that these fellows were being strung along like human sausage links,” said Letterboxd Analytics Associate Tina Trent-Sperry. “But, I gotta say the tonal whiplash from these poor schlubs ingesting a steady diet of ‘Fast & Furious’ movies to sudden five-star ratings for Elaine May’s filmography with captions like ‘will have to rewatch a few times to gather all my true thoughts’ is always something we laugh about around the office.”

Unfortunately, the relationship was promptly ended after only five minutes of a brief streetwide power outage.

Barber Thinks You’re a Fucking Loser- Guest Column by Social Anxiety

Posted on by Ellie Fitzpatrick

Look at you, so brave getting a haircut from a real barber! What a self-care win for you! Let’s just get a few things straight—yes, when you opened the door you did push it open too hard, yes, everyone was startled by it, and yes, everyone currently thinking to themselves “Who is this meatball and why are they here?”

You are not on their level, and you know it.

Oh isn’t that nice, the man at the front is asking if you want anything to drink? If you say yes, who the hell do you think you are? Everyone will think “Look at this entitled dick demanding seltzer water at the barbershop like some kind of power-mad god-king.” Then again, What kind of message does saying “no thanks” send? Oh, so you think you’re too good for barbershop beverages? Oh my god you still haven’t answered? Better pick one quick! Don’t worry, either way, that guy is going to make fun of you to his friends later.

Went with the water huh? You’re such a dick. The barber is ready for you.

The cape is slightly too tight, which the barber is doing on purpose because he hates you. Any respect he may have had for you will vanish after you show him your reference for a haircut, which is, God help us, a picture of Gene Ween from Ween. That’s odd, that is odd behavior. Your barber thinks you’re a weird virgin.

Now for the big question: do you try to make conversation? If you do, holy shit, does everything have to be about you? This man doesn’t want to hear about your life, or God forbid, be forced to divulge information about his. Ever heard of emotional labor, idiot? So you stay silent. And now your barber thinks you’re an antisocial weirdo, and he’s probably going to call National Security the moment you leave.

This haircut is really shitty. It’s way too short, and you know for a fact it’s going to dry all weird the second you wash it. He probably fucked it up on purpose, which, to be fair, you absolutely deserve. He asks you if you like it, and, like a spineless coward, you nod. “Yeah, man. Great.”

Dry Cleaning Bill Bankrupts Swing Revival Band

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

NEW YORK – Up-and-coming swing revival band The Boofing Sleuthers are ready to call it quits after mounting dry-cleaning bills wiped out their bottom line, disappointed managers and accountants confirmed.

“The swing revival pretty much died out in the mid-’90s, so when we busted out onto the scene with throwback tunes like ‘Daddy Needs Three Fingers of Buttermilk,’ we pretty much cornered the market,” said frontman Dax ‘Babytooth’ McCallister. “We were packing out clubs and making bank, but nobody told us that the regular maintenance and upkeep of 12 zoot suits would eat up our entire profit margin. We even had to start a GoFundMe to get back home after the last tour date because we had no money left over for gas.”

Band manager Terry Fink crunched the numbers, and had no choice but to force the band to file chapter 11 after reviewing their annual ledger.

“Dry cleaning bills notwithstanding, there are other factors to consider,” said Fink as he hunched over an adding machine trying to make sense of the band’s pomade expense report for fiscal January. “Sure, the band’s daily burn runs about $1,200 so they can look sharp on stage, but there’s also collateral damage that didn’t even cross our minds. Billy Bob ‘The Throb’ Steele insisted on renting a Stradivarius double-bass for a video shoot, and his cufflinks did a number on the varnish, setting us back by thousands. We’re operating on a $65,000 deficit for the last month alone, and that’s a conservative ballpark figure if I’m being entirely honest.”

Band costume designer Beth Franklin takes partial responsibility for bankrupting The Boofing Sleuthers, but doesn’t necessarily have any regrets.

“When I was put on the payroll to design the band’s wardrobe, I probably could have just gone to a costume store and done it on the cheap,” Franklin said while letting out the crotch seam for one of the plus-sized members. “But they were packing out clubs and the checks were always cleared, so I went all out. I work on a percentage-based commission, so naturally I spared no expense while looking for the highest-quality Panama hats the vintage market had to offer.”

After meeting with their accountant to figure out how to dissolve the band’s assets, McCallister was spotted drowning his sorrows in a 1910 Renault Vintage Cognac he managed to expense to the record label.

Current Owner of House From Cover of ‘Rohnert Park’ Asks Again That Visiting Fans Refrain From Practicing Kickflips In Street After Posted Quiet Hours

Posted on by Tim Graham

ROHNERT PARK, Calif. — Homeowner Ben Founier admits he’s losing patience with fans who attempt to recreate Ceremony’s famous cover shot outside his house, according to neighbors who are glad their home wasn’t the subject of an iconic album’s artwork.

“I thought it was pretty cool when I found out the house I just bought was on the cover of a highly regarded hardcore album,” said Fournier as cranked up a white noise machine. “But after the first dozen times people came by with their boards, I began to grow weary of it. I put up signs saying what times they’re welcome–-basically when I’m at work—but they don’t seem to care. They’ll show up whenever. I’m really not one of those get-off-my-lawn types, but now I’m begging: Please respect the quiet hours!”

The tourists occasionally arrive simultaneously, forming an impromptu skate crew outside of Fournier’s house.

“I was visiting my old college roommate who lives nearby,” said Larry Hughes, skater and Ceremony fan. “He suggested we head over and try to recreate the cover. When we got there, we saw a bunch of other people had the same idea. So we all just ended up skating and hanging out. Someone blasted ‘Rohnert Park’ on a Bluetooth speaker, and then another dude went out and got some 40s. We were out there really late. Do I feel bad for the guy that lives there now? Nah, we actually knocked and asked him to join us. But he was all like, ‘It’s three in the morning, wah wah wah.’”

Laurie McKevitt, author of “Punk Rock Real Estate” says people who buy notorious houses should know what they’re getting into.

“If you’re going to buy a house that is associated with a major work of underground music, you have to be ready for what are presumably unwanted visitors,” said McKevitt. “For example, the couple who bought the American Football house initially thought they had a Peeping Tom problem, but it turned out to be record nerds arriving at dusk trying to get a photo at just the right angle. The family that lives in the Replacements’ ‘Let It Be’ house tried to get an ordinance passed that would require real estate agents to disclose if houses had landmark status among any undesirable subcultures.”

At press time, the skate stoppers Fournier had installed on the curb had resulted in several skaters being injured, each of whom has now sued for damages.

Buy an exclusive variant of Rohnert Park from our store before they are gone forever:

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Ten Underrated Major Label Bands From The 2000s We Revisited Because We Found Our First Generation iPod While We Were Moving

Posted on by Scott Waldman

We here know that you crazy rebels only like pure blackened crust punk releases from labels like Assrip! Records or Sewer Rat Recordings LLC, but sometimes the big conglomerates truly get it right, whilst following through with things completely and totally wrong; BLASPHEMY, friends. Anyway, here are ten underrated major label bands listed in alphabetical order that for one reason or another, never broke out to a globally mainstream audience. So, no subsidiary labels are listed below; we’re here for the purity sans “slashes” and entities. Also, the particular underappreciated bands we are highlighting had to have released at least one major label effort between the ten year period of January 1, 2000-December 31, 2009. Yes, we gaffed and missed the most superior and undeniably underrated act, and no, we did not do that just as clickbait for you dweebs… or maybe we did! Accept us and show gratitude.

Acceptance (Columbia Records)

After releasing two non-major label EPs, including the fantastic “Black Lines to Battlefields” via The Militia Group, Seattle, Washington’s Acceptance signed to Columbia Records, then home to Coheed & Cambria, Boys Like Girls, The Offspring, and Anal Cunt, and was poised to rise to Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance’s “Total Request Live” status with their polished debut studio album “Phantoms.” However, mainstream success just wasn’t in the cards, and we blame the good, but not great single, “Different.” Honestly, pretty much any other track on “Phantoms” would have been a smarter highlight, but the label pretty much gave up on Acceptance after “Different” tanked, and the band got dropped, and broke up just one year later. Not every story has a happy ending, but Acceptance proved that there was light at the end of the tunnel, and reunited, releasing two more LPs.

After Midnight Project (Universal Motown Records)

Los Angeles, California’s After Midnight Project, like the aforementioned Acceptance, released two EPs, and then signed with a major label, this one in particular was known as Universal Motown Records, and put out their debut full-length, “Let’s Build Something to Break” in 2009, just making the cut here by several inches. Although the record was far from reinventing the collective alternative rock and post-hardcore wheels, its songs were truly undeniable, and all of its eleven tracks are more than solid tunes. However, the band literally built something that broke, and split up shortly after. There is no need to feel sorry for vocalist and chief songwriter Jason Evigan, as he has been racking up hit for hit since then as a co-writer and record producer for such mega successful acts as Madonna, yes, MADONNA, Demi Lovato, Nick Jonas, and Operation: Cliff Clavin.

The Apex Theory (DreamWorks Records)

DreamWorks Records, then home to platinum rock acts Papa Roach, Jimmy Eat World, Alien Ant Farm, and Human Fly Aquarium, is an often overlooked major label that seemingly disappeared shortly after conception and arrival, but this off-the-wall and extremely ambitious entry, The Apex Theory, deserves mention here for sure, even if you fools have no idea what we are talking about. The chief single from the act that eventually morphed into Mt. Helium until they broke up in 2008, “Shh… Hope Diggy,” on their lone major label LP “Topsy-Turvy” had parts in freaking 11/8, even if you can’t count that high, and showcased a groove that no other major label acts at the time or in the future possessed. Fun fact: Ontronik “Andy” Khachaturian, The Apex Theory’s lead vocalist on “Topsy-Turvy,” originally drummed for Armenian juggernauts System of a Down before they exclusively ate American Chinese cuisine.

Autopilot Off (Island Records)

As you will consistently see below, Island Records was on a rock and roll, er, roll during the ten-year period that some call the aughts, and the act formerly known as Cooter prior to their lawsuit, Orange County, NEW YORK’s Autopilot Off, was no exception to that rule, releasing a stellar EP and LP for the label. You may not have heard of this act, as whilst under their newer moniker they came and went quite quickly, but a lot of your favorite bands sure did, as they toured with acts like Sugarcult, The Ataris, Rufio, and Sean “Puffy” Combs. Also, your hero and mine, Operation Ivy/The Transplants/Rancid/Butter 08’s Tim Armstrong co-wrote two tracks on Autopilot Off’s album “Make a Sound,” and if you need to listen to ‘em before finishing this section, check out track three, “Blind Truth” and number seven, “What I Want”.

Blindside (Elektra Records)

Sometimes, and you will see down the line with several entries here, namely the final three, a band with minor and/or disappointing sales gets a second chance on a major label with more than one release there, but that is far from the norm. Stockholm, Sweden’s Blindside was one such act that almost broke out, and their two Elektra Records LPs, “Silence” and “About a Burning Fire” are two of the better mall screamo releases from that time period without question. Maybe the band was too Christian for the mainstream and not religious enough for the Cornerstone crowd. Either way, the globe’s side was, err, blind to this band, and we hope that this entry changes that for some of you miscreants; time will change your heart. Please also check out their strong pre and post-Elektra Records efforts.

Gratitude (Atlantic Records)

Forming in the first wake of Immortal/Epic Records’ Far, San Francisco, California’s Gratitude had a short and sweet run, just not sales-wise, from 2003-2005, and released a fantastic self-titled debut album for Atlantic Records just before their premature and disappointing demise. Consisting of individual members from other reverential alternative acts like Crumb and The Get-Up Kids, Gratitude put out their record to a meh whimper and definitely didn’t warrant them showcasing, for lack of a better word, gratitude to conglomerate superpower Atlantic Records, who also had Death Cab for Cutie, The Darkness, the also underrated Louis XIV, and the extremely overrated Louis Vuitton at the time. Far was definitely far ahead of their time, and sadly Gratitude, despite being solid in their own right, came out a tad too late. This is the part where we move on!

Injected (Island Records)

As stated earlier, Island Records went on a solid signing rock and roll frenzy in the ’00s, and Injected and one more surprise mention are two acts worth praising. Hailing from Atlanta, Georgia they utilized a needle and blended post-hardcore textures with a southern rock swagger courtesy of Marvelous 3’s svengali producer Butch Walker. “Burn it Black,” the band’s debut LP got some love from the WWE in the form of sync placements, but most pedestrians completely missed the act as it was active, and that’s a low-down dirty shame. Fun facts: Critics and band members from sub par publications and bands LOVED this LP, but their fan bases sadly didn’t converge and their follow-up sophomore full-length never materialized. Here’s a sad but poignant note to leave on: Guitarist Jade Lemons passed away in 2016 but vocalist Danny Grady re-recorded the band’s older unreleased material and Lemons remained on said tracks.

The Like (Geffen Records)

Some will cry bitter tears that strongly combat nepo babies like The Like and some will lament that the band was too freaking hip for their own good, but no one can counter the fact, that the songs on their debut full-length studio album, lone aughts, and pun intended, questionable major label LP “Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking?” are well constructed/executed. Basically, that’s what we say AND what we mean; we are NOT lost. Anyway, Los Angeles, California’s The Like released one more full-length in the 2010s, the curiously named “Release Me,” before splitting up, and in an act of bringing you down, we have you and only you to blame for such. Sadly it seems that the band’s label relationship was like a stalled form of June gloom and a bridge to nowhere/Terabithia in that it fell flat regarding its intended mainstream appeal.

Ludo (Island Records)

To quote The Beatles’ best song, “Number nine.” Why? Read on! In our ninth entry here, we highlight our favorite act in this piece, St. Louis, Missouri’s unsung heroes known as Ludo. Our nostalgic yet current hearts wish that their EP “Broken Bride” came out via Island Records, as a mainstream audience deserved it yet also didn’t, but we will settle for the band’s quirky and lone aughts major label release, their sophomore full-length album “You’re Awful, I Love You.” Like we mentioned above in the Sandra Bullock section of our piece, sometimes a major label gives a band with minor success another shot, and 2010s “Prepare the Preparations,” Ludo’s third and final LP is an underrated masterpiece front to back as well. Still, less than two years later, Ludo was gone, but the band has released a few singles in the 2020s and still rocks stages today.

Vendetta Red (Epic Records)

Let’s close this whilst screaming at the top of our collective/secondhand smoke lungs: Vendetta Red’s “Shatterday” should have been as big as “The Taste of Ink” and their even more underrated tune “Silhouette Serenade” should have been as successful as “Bat Country.” We. Said. It. Anyway, Seattle, Washington’s Vendetta Red released two of the more slept-upon major label rock efforts in 2003 and 2005, respectively with the straight-ahead “Between the Never and the Now,” and uber zealous concept album “Sisters of the Red Death.” We blame the band’s publicly successful record advance for alienation in the punk and “punk” scenes, but no one, and we mean NO ONE, out-Daltreyed vocalist Zach Davidson. Sadly, like the aforementioned Injected, the band also lost a band member in original member and drummer Joseph Childres in 2020. Do yourself a favor and spin these two efforts front to back and again.

Opinion: I’m Not an Alcoholic as Long as I Keep Writing Novels About the Human Condition

Posted on by Emma Jonas

To be an artist is to suffer. While my suffering may resemble what in others could be deemed “a drinking problem” and “the reason we aren’t allowed back at the Applebee’s on Lancaster,” it is in fact the burden of greatness which I must bear and which will always escape your limited and meek understanding.

I am but a humble writer, a scribe of the soul, whose artistic vitality derives most fervently from that enticing she-demon, the imbibable spirit. I am not, per your sophisticated phrasing, “just a lazy fucking asshole who blew all the rent money on Stella Artois and Johnnie Walker.”

My literary works are my belabored gift to my fellow man, my humble submission to the great library of profundity: Hemingway, Bukowski, Camus, and me. I didn’t ask to be a conduit for the same cosmic energy that drove these men to maudlin genius, but after twelve to sixteen IPAs it becomes unquestionably clear: I was meant to take up the mantle in this long line of artificers, and also Plus I’m a better driver when I’m smashed because I pay even closer attention.

Each day I endeavor to fulfill my duty-bound sacrifice when I alight to enshrine the universal truths of man: that suffering is inevitable; that life is a constant negotiation between the will to live and the desire to lay down and cease; that in a pinch a good long pull off the Listerine bottle will keep the creative juices flowing.

You say I ruined your mom’s Christmas party; I say no one perceives the reality of our Sisyphean, capitalistic desperation as clearly as I do (from underneath her antique buffet in a puddle of piss and blood).

A hangover is just an interstitial chapter wherein I explore the limits of inner and outer pain. Man’s capacity for turmoil is a bottomless well from which we leech endless, sloshing buckets of liquid suffering, and sometimes there are little chunks of food I don’t even remember eating in it.

My expansive oeuvre represents the coalescence of a lifetime of meditation on the theme of existence; of years of sacrifice I have made by drinking from the moment I awaken to the moment I pass out in whatever bush or public fountain I happen to be near; of one man’s stumbling journey into the urine-soaked, Odyssean inferno of hell in pursuit of art; and the fact that I have self-published all twenty-nine of my novels using Shutterfly is only a further testament to the universal singularity of the sacrifices I have lovingly made for my fellow man. Although I hope to god a publisher will call me back because my doctor says I need a liver transplant if I’m going to continue my aesthetic pursuits or, as she calls it, “guzzling liquor like a frat pledge on rumspringa.”