BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local centrist Harris Miller revealed that he doesn’t care who wins the 2024 presidential election as long as each candidate has a blast running for office, confirmed sources.
“Everything is so political these days, especially politics and I just think that’s wrong,” said Miller, eating a plate of jalapeño poppers while his friends heatedly brought up the Supreme Court overthrowing Roe v Wade. “Because, regardless of whether it’s Republicans doing objectively racist nonsense, or Democrats selling out their base and giving in to corporate interests, what’s most important is both sides having a good time. I mean, they’re called parties for a reason: they’re supposed to be fun! And let’s be honest, it’s not like it’s a matter of life or death. At least not for me.”
Miller’s self-proclaimed “chillaxed” centrist worldview apparently also extends far beyond politics.
“It’s genuinely mind-numbing. He fence sits on everything and then just spins it as being a pragmatist,” said Maria Connors, Miller’s ex-girlfriend. “I honestly didn’t think anybody could watch ‘Star Wars,’ see what the Empire was doing, and think ‘Let’s not jump to conclusions. We should hear them out.’ But Harris did. I’m not joking. He actually said that. Verbatim. And I’m not talking about the prequels. He said that during the original ‘Star Wars’ after the Death Star blows up that planet.”
Theresa Williams, Professor of Political Science at UVM, believes Miller’s unwillingness to pick a side based on “not wanting to be a bummer” is becoming more and more common.
“We’re seeing this alarming pattern take hold. As nationalism, police brutality, and hate crimes rise at a shocking pace, there seems to be this new assumption that taking either side of any issue is automatically extreme. Even if that issue is being racist or not being racist,” said Williams. “So now more and more people are taking what appears to be an extreme centrist stance in response. The centrist of today wants to make sure everyone ‘vibes out’ by entirely disregarding common sense, human decency, and science. It’s frustrating for those of us that need to know if we have to block you on social media or not. Give us something.”
At press time, Miller was overheard telling his friends to stop worrying about the climate crisis and come “bro down” at his parents’ summer house.
Yikes, we can already feel some fans glaring hatefully at their screen and questioning our wisdom. Honestly, this is an underrated and overlooked album, and clearly we’re just contributing to that by ranking it last. But it came out on the heels of “Obscura,” a record that just blew apart everything anyone thought they knew about extreme music, and the melding of OSDM with prog is great in some places, but lags in others.
Supposedly an EP, but its run time is longer than freakin’ ‘Reign in Blood,” and nobody ever complains that that’s not a full-length LP, so we’re stubbornly including it in the main ranking. As far as we know, this is the only metal concept album in existence to be focused on a medieval library in Baghdad that was destroyed by the Mongols in the 13th century. The composition of this album is just mind-blowing. The entire piece manages to somehow simultaneously be angular and linear, aggro and atmospheric.
Don’t mind us, we’ll just be hiding in the corner from the outraged prog-metalheads who consider this the Holy Grail of tech-death and can’t believe it’s not #1, or even in the top half. And look, you’re not wrong. This album kicks ass and is almost certainly the most IMPORTANT entry in the Gorguts discography. You know from the opening seconds of the first track that you’re in for a wild ride. Imagine hearing this for the first time when you thought Gorguts was pretty much a straight up death metal band. Your brain would melt. But we’ve got it a little lower because, legacy aside, it feels at times like an assemblage of incomplete ideas, a throw-riffs-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks sort of affair. At the same time, if you are even remotely interested in experimental music, and we don’t just mean experimental heavy music, this is essential listening.
It was a really tough call whether this should be #3 or #2. We went back and forth so many times, you can pretty much call it a tie. This album represents the beginning of Gorguts 2.0, with Lemay bringing a bunch of new musicians into the band…and man, he did not skimp on talent. NYC metal gurus Colin Marston and Kevin Hufnagel on bass and guitar? Perfect. There are some slightly uneven moments here, but the back half – actually, the final ¼ – absolutely slays. In fact, if we had to choose one side of one disc out of all of Gorguts’ records, we just might choose Side D of “Colored Sands.” It’s a tour de force; the other three sides are good, but not THIS good.
This album really hits the sweet spot. It’s ridiculously heavy, but the prog side of things is starting to come into play as well; there are some seriously complex and weird arrangements here. Total “Master of Puppets” energy. You can already hear the madness of “Obscura” taking shape, and music theory nerds can find plenty to dig into, but you can also put it on when you just wanna bang your head. The fact that Roadrunner dropped Gorguts from their roster AFTER they put out this absolute monster really makes you wonder about what was happening with music in ‘93.
Oh shit, you didn’t see this coming, did you? “But Hard Times,” you’re no doubt thinking, “isn’t that their straight-up death metal record? Why would you choose it over their more experimental stuff?” Well, while we acknowledge that “Erosion of Sanity” was a strong contender, the reason that “Considered Dead” gets the nod is simple: It’s a PERFECT straight-up death metal record. In fact, we’ll go you one better: It’s the best debut album of all the late ’80s/early-’90s death metal bands. We see you, “Altars of Madness” and “Scream Bloody Gore” and “Deicide” and “Eaten Back to Life” and “Slowly We Rot.” You’re all wonderful in your own way. But you’re all chasing silver. “Considered Dead” gets the gold. Congratulations, Gorguts. Now let us all rise for a rousing rendition of “Ô Canada.”
I mean look at these dang fluffballs! You’re trying to tell us these living breathing teddy bears pose a serious threat? Yes, they can be on the protective side, but who can blame someone for being protective of the person they love the most? Maybe I should have been a little more like a Chow Chow. Saw the signs coming. A Chow Chow probably would have noticed his best buddy Carl was acting weird. A Chow Chow might have raised an eyebrow when his wife started taking her phone with her to the bathroom every time. Whatever, this isn’t about me, Chow Chows are super adorbs is my point.
With a 600PSI bite and notorious proficiency as guard dogs, some people shy away from Dobermans. Well first off, we don’t train Dobermans to be guard dogs because they are inherently vicious, we train them because they are intelligent enough to be trained and perform a function. That intelligence can just as easily be used to form a wholesome, familial bond. Without attack training, they are total sweeties. Secondly, and I’m speaking from experience here, a 600 PSI bite is nothing compared to the pain of betrayal. That’s a pain only a human who is close to you can inflict. I took a vow on my wedding day, and to me that actually means something.
At first glance, Boxers look like big dopey goofballs, and that’s because they are big dopey goofballs! Yes, they are strong dogs with a lot of energy, but they also have a lot of love. You’ll want to properly train them from a young age if you want to add one to your family, but if you do, your family will have one of the sweetest, most loyal companions in the world. Loyalty. Man. That’s hard to come by these days, isn’t it? Like, you think you know a guy, you open up to him about your problems and what does he do? He weaponizes that information and stabs you in the back that’s what. Again, not trying to make this about me, I’m just saying when a boxer lets you vent to them at least they don’t have ulterior motives, unlike Carl.
Wow, racist much America? Labrador retrievers, who often happen to be black, are essentially the same breed as golden retrievers, but while the latter is widely regarded as a big dopey sweetheart, the former gives some people pause. I honestly feel sorry for those people sitting on their porch eyeing black labs with suspicion while meanwhile, behind their backs, their so-called best friend is opportunistically taking advantage of the fact that you and Beth have hit a rough patch just to bang in a Motel 6! Or, like, whatever, something more universal than that.
These are extremely misunderstood pups. Maybe it’s their wolf-like appearance that freaks people out, but you can’t judge a book by its cover. My parents adopted a Husky by the name of Snowpaw, and he’s just about the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. Every time I go over here I look into his pale blue eyes and I see a beautiful soul, totally incapable of betraying my trust and seducing the woman I love. Sure, they have strong survival instincts, but who can fault them for that? When the chips are down, when the love you’ve come to take such comfort and security in is suddenly swept out from under you like a tablecloth in a magic trick and you’re left with nothing but the shirt on your back, that’s all you can do—survive.
It’s ironic that we call certain breeds “bullies” when we’re the ones who bully them! Sure Bullmastiffs are big, intimidating, and could seriously hurt you if they wanted to, but they don’t want to! Usually, they just want you to throw a ball or give ’em belly rubs! Actual instances of bullmastiffs attacking humans are extremely low, and that’s something to celebrate in a world where even the person you love and trust the most can succumb to the advances of a snake in the grass pretending to be your friend. I mean that metaphorically, I’m not just talking about Carl. He is a snake though. You hear me, Carl? You’re a fucking snake!
Unlike their cousin, British bulldogs, these guys were bred for farm work and as a result, they are incredibly muscular. I’ll admit I was once almost knocked to the ground by an American bulldog, but only because he was excited to see me, and he caused me no further harm other than trying to lick my dang face off! I’ll tell you what a real knock to the ground is—having a guy you’ve considered a brother for over a decade, someone you planned to get a matching tattoo with at one point, “accidentally” send dick pics to your wife after you opened up to him about the romantic problems you two were having. Where’s Carl’s muzzle? If a condo association was all like “Yeah, you can have friends here, but not Carl, because of the risk involved,” that I would understand, but American bulldogs? Nah, leave ’em alone.
German Shepherds make up a large percentage of dog attacks, but that statistic is skewed by the fact that they are favored by the military and law enforcement. Again, the same intelligence that makes them highly trainable can make them sweet, loving additions to your family. They do tend to be territorial, but sometimes an animal is within its rights to be territorial. That was my wife you bastard.
My WIFE Carl! How the fuck could you do this to me? To us?! Does the sanctity of marriage mean nothing to you? What about the sanctity of friendship Carl?! You destroyed two relationships in one moment of passion, I hope it was worth it you piece of shit! What was I doing again? Oh yeah, rottweilers. They’re great.
Coming in number one, the most misunderstood and unfairly maligned breed on the list, the pit bull. Call them velvet hippos, call them land seals, but don’t call them dangerous! Remember, dog fighting is a human invention, and when they aren’t raised to be attack dogs a pitbull is one of the sweetest and most loving creatures on God’s green earth. I’m fostering a pity right now, and no matter how much I wave a picture of Carl’s dumb fucking face in front of him and say “Kill!” all this guy does is wag his tail and demand belly rubs. Maybe I would have better luck training an attack cat?
