LATROBE, Penn. — Members of indie-noise act Timid Toucan were excited to find that their rehearsal would have a substitute lead singer today who wheeled in a TV to show episodes of “Bill Nye the Science Guy” out of apparent laziness, sources confirmed amid hushed anticipation.
“When I first heard our singer was sick and was sending in a sub, I’ll be honest, I was pretty pumped to mess with them. I had my whoopee cushion all ready, and me and the other guys made a plan to all turn our amps around if they ever left the room. But when he wheeled in that cart with the big TV strapped to it, I was at rapt attention,” said bass player Lon Benchley, as he bopped his head along to a song parody about static electricity. “I may be physically here in this cramped practice space, but mentally? I’m rushing off the school bus to make sure I didn’t miss the theme song so I could chant ‘Bill! Bill! Bill!’ along with it. I hope the photosynthesis one is next, I could really use a refresher on that!”
The substitute for the day, Mr. Breward, defended his decision to have “movie day” in lieu of actual practice.
“I know it looks like I’m just going through the motions to run out the clock, but, confidentially, ‘rock musician’ isn’t really my main gig. It’s just a way to pay the bills while I can follow my true dream of subbing over at Franklin Middle School full-time,” remarked Breward as he ignored a band member getting up on the kick drum and dancing to impress the others. “I know it seems like a long shot, since the real substitute teaching business is such a tough one to break into, but I really think if I buckle down and grind away at these garage band rehearsals, they’ll have to notice me and get me in a real science classroom at some point. Things have to work out, they just HAVE to!”
Bill Nye himself encouraged the practice of substitutes relying on his past work to occupy child and child-like minds.
“Simply put: I make bank on the residuals every time an unprepared sub or paraprofessional throws on a few episodes of my old show. I’m not sure how they track those things, but every few weeks a few hundred thousand dollar checks come to my solar-powered mailbox and I can keep fighting the good fight without having to do an iPhone commercial or something,” sighed Nye, while relaxing on a remote sandy beach in nothing but a speedo and bowtie, sipping a coconut cocktail through a Krazy Straw. “Same thing goes for other sub-day viewing mainstays like the Zooboomafoo lemur and the entire cast and crew of 1999’s coming-of-age science drama ‘October Sky,’ who are all just down the beach there. Isn’t that wild?”
At press time, the band was thrilled to be promised that, if they behave through the next episode, they can put their heads down on their amps and play a round of “heads up seven up.”