BURBANK, Calif. — Disney announced at their latest board meeting that their latest film would teach kids the real-world magic that is economics, particularly maximizing shareholder value, confirmed. excited adults wearing Mickey Mouse ears to work.
“Jesus fucking Christ, what happened? This is one of the largest companies in America, home to some of the most iconic children’s films in the world, and we’ve just gone to absolute shit,” said Bob Iger while flipping through a calendar that has his planned retirement date circled in red five times. “There are only so many live versions we can make of cartoon movies. Maybe we should remake a few remakes? Fuck. I’m shooting blanks here. I mean, I had to come out of retirement to help drag this company out of Deathly Hallows. Wait. That’s Universal’s IP. Fucking delete that. Well, this film should succeed because life imitates art. Or is it art imitates life? Ahh, who gives a fuck, art’s not profitable!”
The film is positioned to do well, as indicated by responses from local children, including 10-year-old Johnny Lipton who has dressed as Buzz Lightyear on Halloween for the past four year.
“Yeah, I mean, who believes in magic anymore? I’ve been inundated with internet nonsense since before I had the capacity for abstract thought. I saw on my mom’s Instagram feed at age 6 that Santa wasn’t real,” said Lipton while opening his Robinhood app to purchase more Disney stock. “I know I’m just going to be another cog in the capitalist machine in 10 years, so might as well max out my bank account. Magic might not be real, and economics is just a system we created to attribute value to labor, but if I must labor, might as well get my fucking money’s worth.”
Nelson Peltz, who failed to gain a spot on Disney’s board of directors, seemed a bit confused about the company’s downfall.
“I don’t understand why the entertainment industry, an already unstable entity that quite literally uses the same economic logic as gambling in a casino, is doing so poorly,” said Peltz while rubbing his leathery hands together. “They only threaten writer jobs with AI, pay everyone shit wages, and continue to hire incompetent family members. Why wouldn’t anyone want to write the next Disney Classic film? If I got elected to the board of directors, things would’ve started looking a little different. I’d like to see a few movies about an older man that joins a high school football team and wins the big game, I’m just spitballing here.”
At press time, Disney announced plans to merge with HBO-Discovery-Warner Brothers stating that there is no need to separate kid’s media anymore as children no longer have childhoods anyway.