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Rockabilly Guy Caught Using Upright Bass in Wig for Carpool Lane

NEWINGTON, Conn. — Avowed rockabilly lifer Hanson “Hoo-Doo” Mattimore was arrested by local traffic officials for placing an upright bass in a wig in his car’s front passenger seat in order to use the diamond lane, sources confirmed amid excessive engine revving.

“Look, when you’ve got a Coupe De Ville this cherry, you want to drive that baby as fast as possible. My only crime was custom-jobbing it so she has a convertible top. If my bass’ wig hadn’t flown off on the freeway, I’da been home scott-free, you dig me?” said Mattimore, with an Elvis-like drawl affectation to his voice that the Connecticut native was clearly not born with. “It’s my own fault for constantly needing to feel the wind in my pompadour. If I had only kept that top up, I could have passed off that bass as my nine-months pregnant passenger, and we coulda been speeding to ‘the hospital’ at light speed! Sakes alive, how’s a fella supposed to strut his stuff while going the speed limit?!”

Traffic enforcement official Meredith Menedez wasn’t fooled by the fraudulent carpool attempt in the slightest.

“Well, I’ll be honest, the guy aroused my suspicions right from the jump. Most rockabilly guys, we find, are rarely with another person, as they’re pretty insufferable to anyone who doesn’t share their dated, archaic views and hep-cat ‘lingo.’ See, even me saying ‘lingo’ just now was pushing it for me,” said Menendez. “To make matters more obvious, this guy led me straight to a drag race full of about a dozen other ‘greasers’ breaking the law (and singing about doing it, for some reason) where I made a number of additional arrests. Some for actual crimes, others for simply being annoying and too into a bygone era.”

Most upset over the arrest was Jarvis Fencer, Mattimore’s boss at the hardware store where he’s employed.

“I was supposed to go out on a date with Hanson’s sister, who was unfortunately implicated in the process as she was riding shotgun at the time, after I had caught the two driving around as he was skipping work. Oh, she had the most beautiful hair, long attractive neck, and body as sexy as it is hollow. I hope she gets out soon for good behavior,” said Fencer, who apparently wants to make out with this bass he thinks is a human woman. “And then, we can meet up and she can show me her bad behavior, if you know what I mean. Until then, I’ll have to just think of her sultry low, low, extreeeeeemely low voice.”

After the judge’s ruling, Mattimore was reportedly excited at the prospect of finally being able to fact check the lyrics to “Jailhouse Rock.”