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Straight Edge Band Breaks Edge On Stage 5 Minutes Into First Show

BOSTON — Members of local straight edge band Hard Pass reportedly broke edge in front of a small crowd within minutes of taking the stage at their first show, confirmed multiple heartbroken sources.

“When I claimed edge eight months ago I thought it would be a lifelong pledge, but the pressures of being in a band, school, and working part-time FYE got to be pretty overwhelming. Breaking edge during our second song just seemed like the right time, and I’m glad my other band members were there to back me up,” said Hard Pass frontman Eli Coulstring who just celebrated his 21st birthday. “When I started screaming the lyric ‘These Xs on my hand mean “fuck you”‘ I realized it was all kind of silly. Our drummer Tommy was lying about being straight edge anyway just to be in the band, as soon as he saw me crack a beer I could see the look of relief on his face, it was like he had been holding in a fart for months and finally got to let it all out.”

Longtime, and potentially only, fan of the band Joey Bartlett was distraught by the actions of the band.

“When these guys released their two-song demo on Bandcamp it changed the face of the straight edge scene. The lyrics to ‘The Edge of Annihilation’ are some of the most poignant we’ve seen in years touching on themes of betrayal, mental clarity, and veiled misogyny,” said Bartlett. “I made sure I was there early for the first show, memorized all the lyrics I could, but when everyone on stage just started chugging beers I nearly collapsed. It really wish I didn’t get a Hard Pass tattoo covering most of my back, I feel kind of stupid now.”

Scene historian Emma Gomez admitted she was not surprised by the band’s sudden turn.

“Usually a band will break edge after they release an album or two. Then they hide the fact they broke edge for as long as possible so they don’t lose out on getting booked,” said Gomez. “But that was the old days. Bands now have to do whatever they can to stand out. Honestly I’m surprised they broke edge by drinking a beer, if they really wanted to make a statement they should have started smoking a new hybrid drug from the swamps of Florida.”

At press time, each edge breaking member of Hard Pass announced they would be hosting their own dance night featuring the music of The Smiths.

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