SAYVILLE, N.Y. — Local man Dave Greggory added a pack of condoms to his handbasket to distract from the fact that he was about to purchase records at Target, sources confirmed.
“I went with the XXL magnum ones to make it less awkward,” said Greggory while standing in line to check out. “I’m not sure if I’m getting side-eyed looks because I’m buying vinyl at a corporate retail chain or that I’m purchasing a record from Imagine Dragons. Regardless, my strategy is to put the condoms on the conveyor belt first to offset the remaining transactions. Sure, I could just go to the self-checkout, but the last time I did that, the machine malfunctioned and no less than a dozen Target employees came to help only to stare directly at my Twenty One Pilots record I was about to buy for several seconds. Believe me, this plan is what’s best for all parties involved.”
Target cashier Barry Nepil wasn’t fooled in the slightest by the purchase.
“At one point, the guy acted like someone else put the record in his basket like he wasn’t actively choosing to buy it. But then he went ahead and bought it anyway,” said Nepil. “Immediately after, I noticed him returning the condoms at customer service he had also purchased. It’s a sad state of affairs for people like this. That’s why I buy all my records at Barnes and Noble where I can also buy a book or two that I end up just throwing in the garbage outside the store. Books are a much more convincing distraction for the cashier.”
Experts have been seeing odd consumer patterns like this emerge recently.
“We’re seeing more and more people buy vinyl from unorthodox retail locations as opposed to local establishments,” said consumer behavior specialist Barry Wisenberg. “But we’re also seeing a rise in shame from the same folks who buy music from places where you can also purchase toilet paper, apparel, and televisions. For instance, studies have shown that even if someone orders a record from Amazon, chances are they’re also buying condoms or something to distract from the main purchase. Let’s be honest, no one who buys a Radiohead album off Amazon is having sex. But they still attempt to distract Amazon anyway.”
At press time, Greggory was seen buying tampons to distract from the fact he was about to purchase a record player from Target despite him not knowing any women.
Scooby is in the “private sector” probably because he failed a drug test as a police dog. But with that past, he’s pretty chill and just trying to catch the big fish and smoke a doob afterward. Great Danes just aren’t the aggressive type. Plus, he’s got a partner who totally just wants to log the hours and clock out.
The only crime with Willis is not movin’ and groovin’. The only cop who might detain you for not holding and packing. You might get cuffed, but only if you ask, baby. The only crime against the Village People is using their songs without permission at your rally. That will result in litigation.
Wiggum’s biggest fault is he’s just lazy which is about as innocuous as a cop can get. He’s probably not going to pull you over, or inconvenience you in an any way, because an inconvenience to you is an inconvenience to him. He’s like Chris Christie if his dad wasn’t on Wall Street.
Community policing, cares about the neighborhood, grew up here and never left other than his backing of Regan’s second term and the things he said about [Regan’s] Policy this crime dog’s got a pretty decent track record as far as cops go. Other than time in 1991 he got confused (in dog years he was 87) and took a bite out of a perceived crime, that was not in fact a crime but a small child, and was subsequently sued, thereby ending his career in the public eye
ACAB does not include the NAVY or goth scientists that either defined your style or your sexuality, or both. It’s agreed upon. Although she’s one of the good guys, as a known caffeine addict, Abby may get too jazzed up and muddle some forensics to secure a successful prosecution, but only when she really needs to.
Rick is the cop of the future. It’s 2019 in “Blade Runner,” so surely we’ve advanced to the point of police officers fully upholding the Constitution right? Right? Your rights are probably safe with Rick Deckard, unless of course, you are a humanoid slave, then, do you really have rights? Just hope you don’t look like an android. Maybe slouch more? Try to look normal, but not too normal
Definitely a theme of dog cops being on the chiller side. These guys are led by children but are mostly just there to save lives. There’s no political undertone involved when you’re saving other non-sentient animals from trees. But watch out, catch these boys after a bath and they’ll get the zoomies all over your ass and they ain’t stopping till someone puts a finger in their ass (that’s how you stop dogs from fighting. Did you know that? Look it up).
Although his methods are uncouth and some of his jokes are culturally insensitive, Detective James Carter always tries to solve the mystery. But he was on the Epstein Plane, like a lot. No one’s talking about this. Why was Carter on the plane so much? Was he undercover? Was Jackie there? Is this “Rush Hour 4”? I don’t know about you, but it seems like a hard sell.
His whole thing operating untethered by law, and he’s got the gadgets to bug your whole house. And depending on the era, he’s gonna violate a lot more than your civil rights. A cop with a serious drinking problem and a license to murder with total immunity makes you really wonder how this story takes place in England and not Florida. But hey, you get Phoebe Waller-Bridge to smooth him out and he’s pretty fun to watch.
This guy has resting stop resisting face. Kevin would pull a gun on you for not waving back at him. This jumpy coward would pull a gun on you for you taking literally anything out of your pocket. If you’re wearing a hoodie after 5 p.m. you’re getting a gun pulled on you. If this guy can’t see your hands at all times, gun.
You may not remember this but Harry Potter ends up becoming an auror, a wizard cop. Typical high school hero shit. He’s proven himself to be aggressively stupid and have a temper, which fits the bill. So watch out if you get the blue lights on this broomstick. He’s basically Tim McGraw from the movie version of “Friday Night Lights” to his kid he gave 7 dumbass names to, riding his broomstick around drunk, pulling people over in mid-air telling them about the time he survived the Unforgivable Curse, daring people to do the curse on him, then arresting them when they won’t do it.
The show is in black and white, so that’s all you really need to know. But more than that 1930s-era cop in rural North Carolina, he’s not even going to know what a civil right is. “Miranda Rights? Miranda? Never heard of the broad, but if she knows what’s what she’ll shake a leg back to her boondoggle” is something he’d probably say as he shoved you into a squad car for chewing bubble gum too loudly.
D.W. from the beloved ’90s kid show Arthur, eventually grew up to become a cop. D.W.’s got a little sibling complex and a very active imagination. Alarmingly, her imaginary friend never went away. She’s still imagining her. She’s also imagining you ran that stop sign, and she’s imagining you consented to a search, and she’s imagining you reached for a gun. Let’s just say anyone who isn’t an aardvark should steer clear. She’s taking out some sort of aardvark guilt on the community
Jim sicks his special ops buddy to beat the shit out of you without a trial, collect clues, and secure a conviction. You think he’s gonna give you his badge number? That guy will listen to an entire town’s phone calls, he’s like if the patriot act were privatized and could beat the shit out of you afterward (wait). Jim Gordon is Dick Cheney?
Plants coke for the greater good, this guy’s stock to a turn for the worst in the 2010s and public opinion really soured on him once people realized one “marijuana cigarette” doesn’t contain “as much tar as 100 packs of cigarettes” and that most drugs are fun, and not freely offered like a Altoids. D.A.R.E. Lion is highly likely to “find” drugs in your pocket during a “routine” stop and frisk. D.A.R.E. Lion should’ve been kicked off that cliff in Africa and trampled by wildebeests. RIP Mufasa.
This was one of Deadpool’s first cameos and frankly, he didn’t quite have the formula down. He just randomly bursts into the room and says “I got an apartment for you, it’s called my penis!” and does a little “Hey, look at me, I’m a cool guy” dance.
In a way, the character Forrest Gump is sort of the Deadpool of American history the way he just seems to pop up everywhere! That of course doesn’t stop Mister Pool from popping in and doing his thing. Eagle eyes viewers can spot cinema’s favorite 4th wall-breaking mercenary at the Black Panthers meeting, having been hired to assassinate Gump after he inadvertently exposed the Watergate scandal. Deadpool has Gump in his sights, then lowers his gun and says to camera “I can’t kill a mentally challenged guy, what am I, Texas?”
During one of the more dramatic group therapy scenes towards the end of the film, as McMurphy and Nurse Ratched argue, essentially battling for the souls of the men in the psychiatric ward, the tension is momentarily dissolved when the camera pans over to Deadpool having sex with a chicken and he says “Boy, you guys are seriously nuts!” It’s the only part of the movie Ken Kesey approved of.
Colin’s meeting with Costello at his porno theater is interrupted by an irritated patron who tells the two criminals to shut up because he’s trying to watch the movie. They turn toward him, and the camera pans to reveal none other than Deadpool, his feat up on the seats joyfully tossing popcorn into the air and trying to catch it even though he’s wearing a mask. Classic Deadpool move.
When Deadpoole pops up to address the audience and confess he would totally go gay for Newman and Redford it kind of takes the sting out of an otherwise iconic high-stakes poker scene.
When Antonio Salieri’s jealousy of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart reaches a fever pitch he becomes obsessed with destroying him. Still, before he secretly commissions the talented composer to write the requiem that would be his undoing, Deadpool makes his own suggestion. “Just play him this shit!” says Deadpool producing a boom box out of thin air and playing a few seconds of Who Let The Dogs Out.
When you think of this movie, the first scene that likely comes to mind is Russell Crow shouting to the Colosseum crowd “Are you not entertained?!” and then, in a meta twist, having the camera pull out, revealing that the scene is a television set being watched by Deadpool who replies “Meh.” Deadpool proceeds to change the channel to the leg-crossing scene from “Basic Instinct” and says “Here we go!” excitedly retrieving a box of tissues and some hand lotion from beneath his coffee table.
As in the first two Lord of the Rings movies, Deadpool frequently pops up begging Frodo for the ring, claiming it’s the only ring that can fit around his hobbit finger-sized cock, which is very funny.
In one of the roles that cemented his career, Kevin Spacey plays Lester Burnham, a sad middle-aged man who becomes infatuated with a high school student. During the iconic rose dream sequence, we hear an off-camera voice shout “Hey, K-Pax!” The camera quickly pans over to Deadpool writhing around in flowers saying “Isn’t she a little old for you buddy?”
When Raymond Babbit accurately counts the number of toothpicks he spills with a single glance, Deadpool jumps into the scene and exclaims “Holy shit, what are you, Rain Man?” This confuses everyone in the scene, and the viewer, because this is the movie Rain Man, and therefore Rain Man is not yet a widely recognized cultural reference. This prompts Deadpool to turn to camera and say “Check please.”
The merc with the mouth has an abrasive reputation, but he is not completely devoid of tact. He does pop up in “12 Years a Slave” during a brutal whipping scene, but stops himself mid-quip and says “You know what, this is in bad taste, I’m just gonna go, good luck at the Oscars!” He makes a bit of business out of slowly tiptoeing backward out of frame, and for a few beats, we’re distracted by the sounds of glass breaking and cats yelling, each followed by an apology from Mr. Pool, but all in all it’s proof positive that he knows when enough is enough.
Deadpool shows up several times during the 3-hour and 38-minute classic film saying things like “Is this shit over yet?!” and “It’s still going? Ugh!”
So many farts.
Michael Corleone’s Senate hearing is an extremely high-stakes scene, but Michael keeps his composure the entire time, dismissing the accusations against him has hearsay and media sensationalism so cooly you the viewer almost believe him. Even when Senator Deadpool presents a teddy bear and insists Corleone point out where on the doll he was touched, Corleone is the epitome of calm.
Few cinematic battlefield speeches are as quotable as William Wallace telling his men “They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom!” It’s an effective rally cry, and the men cheer triumphantly ready for battle, except of course for Deadpool who says “Uhm, what was that first part again?”
