CORAM, N.Y. — Local eight-year-old Evie Doyleson was completely turned off by the idea of having to celebrate 311 Day twice due to her recently divorced pot-loving parents having joint custody of her, sources confirmed.
“I’m still getting the hang of all of these weird holidays, like Arbor Day and 9/11, but I just don’t get what’s so special about this one,” said Doyleson. “The only real tradition for this holiday seems to be laying motionless on the couch for hours at a time, listening to one band all day, smoking something out of a glass vase that smells like a skunk, browsing hemp necklaces and sandals on Amazon, eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch straight from the box, passing out by 4:30 p.m., and forgetting to make me dinner again. Can’t believe I have to do this twice a year for the rest of my life.”
Doyleson’s parents didn’t see what the big deal was with having to celebrate the day twice.
“She needs to grow up and show some respect by listening to ‘All Mixed Up’ every hour on the hour this afternoon and later today when she’s with her mother,” said Mark Doyleson, father of one, hopefully. “She also throws a huge fit for having to celebrate a handful of 420s a year. You see, her mom and I each throw separate 420 Day parties and also celebrate the Monday after the holiday and then the entire month thereafter, which can sometimes last the rest of the year and then some. Participating in 311 Day is the least she can do to make up for the fact that we have to buy her Christmas presents every year until further notice.”
Experts had some ideas about getting children more interested in the unconventional day.
“It’s tough to get your young ones excited for holidays that don’t involve them specifically,” said psychologist Brenda Hummingsworth. “Don’t get me wrong. You can still make that happen. Just look at Easter. This day is about Jesus or something like that, but we got children involved by making up a six-foot-tall bunny that brings them pre-packaged chocolate and marshmallow Peeps the day after we stain eggs with them. 311 Day just needs a catchy mascot and tradition like that. Like Hexum the Panda that delivers amber-colored Reese’s Pieces that morning after they paint glass bongs. That’s how to get your kids excited for this day. Not with 311 music.”
At press time, Doyleson was also not excited for the following week as she had to spend the St. Patrick’s Day holiday with her alcoholic uncle.