EL SEGUNDO, Calif. — Local drummer Austin Block admitted to feeling intense jealousy, abandonment, and heartbreak when his bandmates in Genghis Pawn executed multiple jumps in unison during a recent performance, sources confirmed.
“It seems kind of unfair, everyone else is having the time of their life smiling and jumping around and I’m sitting all the way back here in the pitch black like a gremlin just pounding away. When we started Genghis Pawn we agreed that we were going to have an equal say in everything,” said Block. “Not only are they jumping in unison without me, but they are leaning their backs against each other and sharing microphones! What’s next? Am I going find out that they are tuning their guitars to the same key and playing the same chord progression?”
Genghis Pawn guitarist Dana Cooper had an entirely different take on the events.
“Austin doesn’t realize how good he has it. As the guitarist, I’m easily the second most important member of the band and I’m required to look good and stand up for the entire duration of our set,” said Cooper. “I don’t have the luxury of taking a load off and sitting on something literally called a throne. Your majesty back there gets to wear sweatpants and look like shit and nobody notices. The rest of us have to jump up and down to prevent our legs from going numb. I’m sorry he feels left out, but this is the same guy that gets mad when our singer hits one of his precious cymbals with the microphone.”
Local shit starter Kevin Greene says the issues between Block and his band members go even deeper.
“Listen, I don’t want to cause any waves, but all those dudes have been jumping in unison in other places besides the stage. I saw them both in line for the bathroom grabbing their crotches and jumping. I saw them at a kid’s birthday party together in one of those bounce houses, and worst of all, they were spotted doing synchronized cannonballs into a public pool last summer,” said Greene. “It’s sad really. Drummers never get to be a part of the fun, they are just told to keep time and stay seated. Things need to change.”
At press time, Block walked off the stage abruptly after his frontman failed to introduce him with the rest of the band during an extended interlude.