As a child, you see so many depictions of police officers on television. Some of them show cops as the heroes fighting crime and saving the day, and some of them show cops as bumbling morons, but rarely will you see the darker side of law enforcement where the police deliberately operate outside of the law and violate a person’s civil rights. Today we look at some of your favorite fictional cops by how likely they are to be complete pieces of crap.
15. Scooby Doo
Scooby is in the “private sector” probably because he failed a drug test as a police dog. But with that past, he’s pretty chill and just trying to catch the big fish and smoke a doob afterward. Great Danes just aren’t the aggressive type. Plus, he’s got a partner who totally just wants to log the hours and clock out.
14. Victor Willis from Village People
The only crime with Willis is not movin’ and groovin’. The only cop who might detain you for not holding and packing. You might get cuffed, but only if you ask, baby. The only crime against the Village People is using their songs without permission at your rally. That will result in litigation.
13. Chief Wiggum
Wiggum’s biggest fault is he’s just lazy which is about as innocuous as a cop can get. He’s probably not going to pull you over, or inconvenience you in an any way, because an inconvenience to you is an inconvenience to him. He’s like Chris Christie if his dad wasn’t on Wall Street.
12. McGruff the Crime Dog
Community policing, cares about the neighborhood, grew up here and never left other than his backing of Regan’s second term and the things he said about [Regan’s] Policy this crime dog’s got a pretty decent track record as far as cops go. Other than time in 1991 he got confused (in dog years he was 87) and took a bite out of a perceived crime, that was not in fact a crime but a small child, and was subsequently sued, thereby ending his career in the public eye
11. Abby Sciuto from “NCIS”
ACAB does not include the NAVY or goth scientists that either defined your style or your sexuality, or both. It’s agreed upon. Although she’s one of the good guys, as a known caffeine addict, Abby may get too jazzed up and muddle some forensics to secure a successful prosecution, but only when she really needs to.
10. Rick Deckard
Rick is the cop of the future. It’s 2019 in “Blade Runner,” so surely we’ve advanced to the point of police officers fully upholding the Constitution right? Right? Your rights are probably safe with Rick Deckard, unless of course, you are a humanoid slave, then, do you really have rights? Just hope you don’t look like an android. Maybe slouch more? Try to look normal, but not too normal
9. Paw Patrol
Definitely a theme of dog cops being on the chiller side. These guys are led by children but are mostly just there to save lives. There’s no political undertone involved when you’re saving other non-sentient animals from trees. But watch out, catch these boys after a bath and they’ll get the zoomies all over your ass and they ain’t stopping till someone puts a finger in their ass (that’s how you stop dogs from fighting. Did you know that? Look it up).
8. Detective James Carter from “Rush Hour”
Although his methods are uncouth and some of his jokes are culturally insensitive, Detective James Carter always tries to solve the mystery. But he was on the Epstein Plane, like a lot. No one’s talking about this. Why was Carter on the plane so much? Was he undercover? Was Jackie there? Is this “Rush Hour 4”? I don’t know about you, but it seems like a hard sell.
7. James Bond
His whole thing operating untethered by law, and he’s got the gadgets to bug your whole house. And depending on the era, he’s gonna violate a lot more than your civil rights. A cop with a serious drinking problem and a license to murder with total immunity makes you really wonder how this story takes place in England and not Florida. But hey, you get Phoebe Waller-Bridge to smooth him out and he’s pretty fun to watch.
6. Kevin From “7th Heaven”
This guy has resting stop resisting face. Kevin would pull a gun on you for not waving back at him. This jumpy coward would pull a gun on you for you taking literally anything out of your pocket. If you’re wearing a hoodie after 5 p.m. you’re getting a gun pulled on you. If this guy can’t see your hands at all times, gun.
5. Grown Up Harry Potter
You may not remember this but Harry Potter ends up becoming an auror, a wizard cop. Typical high school hero shit. He’s proven himself to be aggressively stupid and have a temper, which fits the bill. So watch out if you get the blue lights on this broomstick. He’s basically Tim McGraw from the movie version of “Friday Night Lights” to his kid he gave 7 dumbass names to, riding his broomstick around drunk, pulling people over in mid-air telling them about the time he survived the Unforgivable Curse, daring people to do the curse on him, then arresting them when they won’t do it.
4. Sheriff Andy Taylor from ‘The Andy Griffin Show”
The show is in black and white, so that’s all you really need to know. But more than that 1930s-era cop in rural North Carolina, he’s not even going to know what a civil right is. “Miranda Rights? Miranda? Never heard of the broad, but if she knows what’s what she’ll shake a leg back to her boondoggle” is something he’d probably say as he shoved you into a squad car for chewing bubble gum too loudly.
3. D.W. from “Arthur”
D.W. from the beloved ’90s kid show Arthur, eventually grew up to become a cop. D.W.’s got a little sibling complex and a very active imagination. Alarmingly, her imaginary friend never went away. She’s still imagining her. She’s also imagining you ran that stop sign, and she’s imagining you consented to a search, and she’s imagining you reached for a gun. Let’s just say anyone who isn’t an aardvark should steer clear. She’s taking out some sort of aardvark guilt on the community
2. Batman & Commissioner James Gordon
Jim sicks his special ops buddy to beat the shit out of you without a trial, collect clues, and secure a conviction. You think he’s gonna give you his badge number? That guy will listen to an entire town’s phone calls, he’s like if the patriot act were privatized and could beat the shit out of you afterward (wait). Jim Gordon is Dick Cheney?
1. D.A.R.E. Lion
Plants coke for the greater good, this guy’s stock to a turn for the worst in the 2010s and public opinion really soured on him once people realized one “marijuana cigarette” doesn’t contain “as much tar as 100 packs of cigarettes” and that most drugs are fun, and not freely offered like a Altoids. D.A.R.E. Lion is highly likely to “find” drugs in your pocket during a “routine” stop and frisk. D.A.R.E. Lion should’ve been kicked off that cliff in Africa and trampled by wildebeests. RIP Mufasa.