PORTLAND, Ore. — Local piercer Archer Steele is reportedly accepting total inferiority compared to his tattoo artist older sibling after being spit on by a customer, disheartened employees confirmed.
“I was just trying to ask a client if their appointment was for a piercing or a tattoo. They laughed in my face and said ‘Do I look like I’m 12? It’s for a tattoo. Don’t talk to me again you fucking peasant.’ It turns out they had been waiting two years to see our best tattoo artist, who happens to be my perfect older brother Jasper,” said Steele, piercer at Fearless Tattoo. “When I first started my piercing journey, I would get so excited when a potential client would come in, thinking that me being needed would heal my deeply rooted attachment wounds. Now I know better than to think I’ll ever measure up.”
Archer and Jasper’s parents revealed they were not surprised to hear about the incident.
“I don’t really blame anyone for spitting in Archer’s face. He’s always been a really pathetic kid, meak, sickly looking, roundly offputting. We knew something was off when his first word was ‘hiya’ instead of ‘hi,’” said father Jett Steele. “Fortunately, his older brother Jasper is our pride and joy. He’s a creative genius and a prodigy who started tattooing the Cool S on his classmates when he was only in kindergarten. It’s pretty obvious Archer wanted to copy his brother, but went with piercing because he wasn’t talented enough to tattoo. It would be better for everyone if Archer pursued bigger things, like a mall security guard stationed by a Spencer’s or a medical guinea pig.”
Owner of Fearless Tattoo Gunner West reported that piercings and jewelry sales only made up 4% of the shop’s revenue last year.
“We offer piercing as a nonessential bonus that makes a little money, kind of like a candy machine at the front of a grocery store. It’s also a nice option when our regular tattoo customers bring their basic friends along–that’s when we do most of our earlobe and belly button piercings,” explained West. “But for the most part, people either go to Claire’s or follow the tried and true apple slice and sewing needle method from ‘The Parent Trap.’ There’s just not much artistry or skill involved in poking a hole.”
At press time, Jasper was embracing his new role as godparent to the firstborn child of the same customer who spit on Archer.