Whether you’ve just had your first beef tartare or you’ve visited every Michelin Star restaurant in the country, the path of every foodie inevitably leads to one place—the consumption of human flesh.
The moment your culinary odyssey at long last brings you to the edge of that ultimate taboo, when you are finally ready to be able to say “I have tasted man-flesh,” the last thing you want is to have that first bite into a world of total moral bankruptcy ruined because it’s overcooked, or the spices aren’t right.
You want your first fore into cannibalism to be with a chef who knows what they’re doing. Here are cinema’s top 10 cannibals, ranked by their culinary skill:
10. Patrick Bateman “American Psycho”
Mr. Bateman can call himself many things—an investment banker, a music lover, an unbridled psychopath—but one thing he has no business calling himself is a chef. His preparation of human flesh is amateurish at best, and he knows it, saying only of his brief fore into cannibalism “I tried to cook a little.” One look at his refrigerator tells you everything you need to know. Note the severed human head on the upper rack. It should be on the bottom shelf to prevent dripping and cross-contamination. No cook so careless has any business serving human flesh.
9. The C.H.U.Ds “C.H.U.D”
The food of the cannibalistic humanoid underground dwelling people is extremely minimalist and relies entirely on the freshness of the ingredients. That being said, it’s not to be missed by anyone who considers themself a true human foodie. Instead of chasing flavor-of-the-month trends like brain toast or red wine intestine reductions, C.H.U.D cuisine invites you to indulge in the simple pleasure of biting right into a live human throat, warm and beating. An acquired taste to be sure, but once you’ve developed a palate for it, nothing else will do.
8. Anwar Namtut “Blood Diner”
The Cutman Cafe may be a vegetarian diner, but its use of human flesh is more or less an open secret. Head chef Anwar Namtut knows that a chef’s primary job is to delegate, and even though he’s a severed brain in a jar, his dishes, prepared by his nephews, all contain his personal touch. If you find yourself in the area on a Tuesday, the weekly special is not to be missed, but anytime you find yourself at Cutman’s you’ll enjoy quality human flesh in an unpretentious setting and rest assured knowing your patronage will help resurrect the ancient Lumerian goddess Sheetar.
7. Aunt Mei “Dumplings”
Combining the comfort of traditional Chinese dim sum with the restorative potential of stem cells, Aunt Mei’s humble dumpling eatery is a must-stop spot for foodies and seekers of eternal youth alike. Whichever camp you fall in, you’ll find yourself coming back to Aunt Mei’s again and again. For those of the veggie/vegan persuasion her scallion pancakes are above competent, but know that when people talk about Aunt Mei’s dim sum they are talking about the fetus dumplings.
6. Sweeney Todd “Sweeney Todd”
It’s old hat to insult the inferiority of British cooking, but there’s just nothing quite like a British meat pie. How did a shop once heralded as having “The worst pies in London” go on to become the most popular meat pie/barber shop/escape rooms of all time? It’s all thanks to the intervention of chef Sweeney Todd. Todd is a man on the path of revenge for an unspeakable wrong committed upon him. When you eat one of his pies, you are both figuratively and literally tasting that revenge.
5. Nick and Lily Laemie “Parents”
The sheer variety of prepared human flesh on the Laemie’s kitchen table is bombastic. Steaks, chops, burgers, roasts, hot dogs, and sausages of all varieties, a cornucopia of cuts and styles all coming from the forbidden and versatile long-pig. The offerings are prepared in a traditional, nonpretentious home-meal style, complete with that most special ingredient of all, love. If you’re lucky enough to get an invite to one of their diners you won’t just taste the family you’re eating, you’ll taste family.
4. The Blands “Eating Raoul”
These husband and wife restauranteurs are passionate about what they do, and will go to extreme lengths to ensure you have a meal you will never forget. It’s not a great place to take a date, the Blands respond to horniness very strangely, but if you’re looking for a wholesome place to take your family and never ask yourself how the sausage gets made, Paul and Mary’s Country Kitchen is the place to be.
3. The Sawyer Family “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”
This family-owned hole-in-the-wall gas station/BBQ restaurant tastes like the beating heart of rural America itself. It should. It’s made of real rural Americans. Brothers Chop-Top and Leatherface work tirelessly scouting and butchering only the finest humans that have gotten lost or stranded in the area. Their father, an expert pitmaster, assures every morsel is slow-cooked and charred to perfection, smothered in his infamous secret BBQ sauce. If you have the misfortune to hear the terrifying slam of Leatherface’s steal door, you can at least die knowing that you’re about to become part of something very special in the world of classic American cuisine.
2. Vincent Smith “Motel Hell”
There is an extremely guilty pleasure involved with eating Farmer Vincent’s legendary meat. It’s an open secret that his product is unethically sourced, even by cannibal standards. His methods of getting his human livestock just right for slaughter make veal pens look like 5-star hotels. Still, one can’t argue with the mouth-watering results. His meat is so good it makes fried songbirds taste like Flaming Hot Cheetos by comparison.
1. Hannibal Lecter “Silence of the Lambs”
There’s a reason Dr. Lecter is kept secure, but accessible. When he’s not playing psychological cat and mouse with FBI agents desperate for his insights, he’s teaching Gordon Ramsey how to perfectly braise beef, or Giada De Laurentiis which wines to pair with Arroz de pato. The man knows just as much about cooking as he does about psychology and murder, and when he’s on the loose combining all three the results are transcendent. He could force you to eat your own severed leg at gunpoint and after the first bite, he can just put the gun down because dammit all if that wasn’t the tastiest thing you’ve ever had.
After a quick “This is the future liberals want!” he’s storming out to the bar. That might be for the best.
Our dad has never been big on children, a message Mom was kind enough to dictate into every birthday card growing up. He did say he likes the first 20 minutes of the movie and then it “Turns to absolute dick” after that.
He lost interest once he read the words “A dedicated father” in the streaming service description.
He gave up once he realized there was a female Terminator. “They expect us to believe a girl could be a Terminator?!” He actually said that before leaving the room, and I’ve been unpacking how stupid that sentence is for hours.
To be fair we couldn’t make it all the way through this one either, but I made it further than Dad who walked off after his joke “There’s a dark fate for ya, women drivers!” didn’t get a laugh.
This movie was kind of a bomb, sure, but since it centers around a kid desperate for approval from a father figure, Dad wouldn’t even give it a chance.
Best nap we’ve ever shared, that’s something.
Anytime John Leguizamo was on-screen Dad would say “I bet he did it, he looks like an MS13 guy.” I tried explaining that it wasn’t a mystery, and they showed who “did it” at the beginning of the movie, and he got mad at me and left the room.
Dad thinks Brigitte Nielsen’s career was part of a government psyop to make men “confused.” He refuses to elaborate.
Did you know that the Terminator’s mildly paternal demeanor in this film was “part of the liberal war on straight white masculine alphas?” Dad didn’t teach me to ride a bike, drive, or shave but it was super important to him that I learned this.
Another one dad bailed on due to a major plothole: “A guy with a body like that would just get a new wife.”
Dad was never big on Christmas. Every year when we would open gifts in the morning he would stay in bed, coming downstairs only once or twice to tell us all to keep it down. He just doesn’t do well with expectations like gift shopping or decorating or showing the slightest shade of warmth toward children he made. He is on record saying Sinbad is “One of the good ones,” but he’s not sitting through “Jingle All The Way.”
My dad is highly critical of anyone with a neck tattoo unless they’re a cop. Then they’re “real men.” Why do I want to connect with this guy again?
I actually have no memory of this movie. No one does. If you have ever watched this movie please let us know.
James Cameron’s hit action/rom-com was a miss for Dad because “Women shouldn’t have their hair all short like that.”
I thought this movie went a little off the rails but in a fun way. My dad thought all those hippies needed haircuts and then went out and stood on the back porch looking towards the treeline for what seemed like four hours.
Yeah, weirdly Dad went all in on the mediocre apocalyptic action film “End of Days.” To this day he still wears a WWJD bracelet, which he thinks stands for “What would Jericho do?”
Honestly, these movies are pretty unwatchable, but for some reason Dad likes them, and if sitting through them is my only shot at having at least one meaningful conversation with him in my adult life then I’m just going to have to suck it up.
As soon as the credits started to roll on “Expendables” he threw on “Expendables 2” without a word. At first, I thought he was just that desperate not to talk to me but he is glued to this thing. I actually heard him say “It’s even better than the first one.” Not to me, obviously, but to himself.
This is brutal, but he spoke to me! He turned his head, looked me in the eye, and said right to my face “They’re old, but they can still get the job done.” I have no idea what “The job” is, these movies are so bad your brain deletes them as you watch, but I’m starting to see why my 65-year-old hard-ass of a father loves them so much.
