TRANSYLVANIA — Acclaimed spook-punk band Alkaline Trio announced a purely symbolic tour date in remote settlement “The Village of Unspeakable Horrors” during their ongoing “Blood, Hair, and Eyeballs” tour, sources eager to immerse themselves in Transylvanian culture confirmed.
“We always like to have a little fun and put a Transylvania date in every tour. Like February 30th in Transylvania, because it’s spooky, and we like being spooky. Someday we might actually go there, have ‘human blood’ in our rider just to see what happens,” said Matt Skiba. “Just thinking about the motherland helps us as a band to get back to our roots. We always come away from our hypothetical Transylvania show feeling reinvigorated, inspired, and like there is a dark cloud of unimaginable terror constantly looming over us–like how true artists should feel.
Despite the band’s optimism, a Transylvanian villager known only as “Sergiu the Clubfoot” had an ominous warning for them.
“Beware, triplets of the Alkali. The rending of souls is soon to be commenced,” began Sergiu, in between bouts of coughing up a mysterious black bile. “You must protect yourselves from the ancient evil spirits that dwell in these most creepy of lands. You shall not escape unharmed! And also, could you add ‘Fatally Yours’ to your setlist. My wife loved that song before the town warlock turned her into a mud gnome.”
To get more perspective on vaguely spooky bands visiting the area, the most famous Transylvanian of all time, Count Dracula, provided an expert opinion.
“Man, I hate these fucking tourists. Bleh! First that Bram Stoker jackass writes a totally unauthorized and misleading tell-all about me, and now I gotta deal with these gloomy goths always bumming around my castle. Is it too much to ask for some fucking privacy?” bemoaned Dracula. “I swear to the dark lord, these Trio hoodlums better not try to do some kind of hacky homage to me during their show. The Misfits tried that once back in 83’ and it’s the reason why their one roadie never left Transylvania alive.”
At press time, members of Alkaline Trio were preparing a large, inflatable vampire bat for their stage decoration, apparently unaware that it will mean they’ll likely be needing a new guitar tech after this.