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Poland Spring to Bring Back Original Recipe Water

PORTLAND, Maine — Poland Spring executives announced yesterday that they will re-release their flagship, original recipe water for the first time in over 100 years under the banner “Poland 1876.”

“We’re going back to our roots,” confirmed Poland Spring Social Media Chief Sabrina Cartwell. “People don’t want a clear, tasteless liquid that stops them from dying every day — they want authenticity. They want a sip of the way things used to be. Poland 1876 delivers just that.”

The company’s brownish, sediment-laced throwback will forgo many of the modern sanitation treatments of traditional bottled water in favor of “bold water flavor” and “authentic grit,” thanks to trace amounts of gingham, stag’s blood, and cocaine.

“Drinking water isn’t supposed to be some sterile, scientifically streamlined hydration routine. It’s supposed to be an experience,” Cartwell added. “You’re not supposed to just gulp this stuff down like some gluttonous athlete — you gotta hold it in your mouth and let the flavor profile unlock itself. That’s why the original recipe calls for a bunch of little things floating in there.”

While many are enthusiastic about the launch, some call the release nothing more than a marketing ploy.

“O.K., yeah, it’s great that we can go to the store now, grab a bottle of water and think, ‘Here is a life-sustaining substance untainted by typhoid, dirt, and little rocks.’ But I ask you, where is the craft? Poland 1876 is the direction we need to be heading in,” tweeted food critic @Real_Deal_Veal. “Last I checked, they didn’t have plastic bottles in 1876. Real water needs to be cellar-aged for a minimum of three seasons to acquire the right notes. How am I supposed to mature this water without glass and corkwood?”

Despite criticism from a vocal minority, Poland Spring is very confident in the re-launch. “Honestly, this couldn’t have come at a better time,” Cartwell said. “We’re almost totally out of the clear stuff.”