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Outraged Joe Biden Says We Won’t Personally Kiss Each Missile In Next Round of Artillery Sent to Israel

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden is reportedly fuming after Israel’s military killed seven aid workers and said he will no longer kiss every bomb and gun the United States sends to Israel to continue their attacks on innocent civilians, sources confirmed.

“Listen Jack, I’ve had just about enough of this malarkey. I called up Netanyahu and I gave it to him straight, I told him that from here on out all the missiles we send will no longer feel the tender touch of my lips as a gesture of unity and goodwill,” said President Biden. “And on top of that, I will no longer whisper ‘God bless the United States and God bless Israel, deliver us peace sweet angel of warfare’ at the artillery either. I’m done. If they want to drop these bombs on people they are going to have to do it without my sweet caress.”

Hardline Republicans were quick to criticize President Biden for his decision.

“When I look back in history I think of great leaders like President Reagan. He would personally visit top secret missile silos with nuclear bombs and sit on top of them without any pants on so each device was slathered in his musk, and that man delivered peace to the world,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz. “During the Iraq war, my close personal friend and hero, George W. Bush would drizzle his own semen over every hellfire missile we used in Iraq, and that’s why we were able to liberate that country so successfully. If Biden isn’t willing to kiss every bomb then he might as well just come out and endorse Hamas.”

Activists who continue to call for an immediate ceasefire say the President’s actions are not nearly enough.

“I’m not sure why he was kissing the bombs in the first place, they are going to explode whether they have been kissed or not. We need to hold Israel accountable for the atrocities its government is perpetrating every single day. The blood of the Palestinian people is on our hands, and Biden needs to stop sending weapons that American taxpayers funded,” said Tamara Aziz. “Biden should not get credit for his refusal to make out with implements of destruction that are killing innocent people. I just want him to agree to get more food shipped to Gaza, if he needs to shit on the crate first I won’t care. Just get it to the people.”

At press time, President Biden walked back his initial statement and said each bomb will get a small peck, but no tongue.