HOBOKEN, N.J. – WWE fan and local embarrassment, Connor Duncan, reportedly made preparations to save his liver during WrestleMania this weekend by pre-booking an emergency trip to the hospital, sources confirmed.
“My girlfriend is always telling me to plan ahead,” said Duncan while unloading twelve cases of beer from his truck. “I bought some pigs in blankets, a keg, and called the hospital to let them know to keep a slot open for me around 10 p.m. because I plan on getting wrecked. Me and the boys have been ending our night at the Hoboken University Med Center every year for the past three ‘mania’s, so I let them know ahead of time that we would be keeping the tradition alive so they don’t give my spot to some pregnant lady or someone that was in a car accident. It would be a shame if they couldn’t accommodate us because that would mean my 12-year-old son would have to drive us to a different hospital.”
The hospital staff appreciates Duncan’s thoughtfulness in booking the space.
“Dunks is an old buddy of mine,” said emergency room nurse Scott Miller. “This is the only place I get to see him now that he’s been banned from every bar in the area after he tried to have sex with the animatronic crocodile outside of the Rainforest Café during 2022’s WrestleMania. We get a lot of people in here every year this weekend, so it’s nice to know I will see a familiar face choking on his vomit among the drunken crowd, even if he doesn’t remember seeing me.”
With the popularity of “hitting the pumps” each WrestleMania, rep for reservation company, Resy, Mary Rodriguez, announced the business’s plan to capitalize on the opportunity on this holiday and others.
“Resy is proud to announce we now are linking with local hospitals so that guests are prioritized for WrestleMania as well as other special occasions where they can predict they will be getting blackout drunk, such as St. Patrick’s Day, Mardi Gras, and the final days of Toyotathon,” said Rodriguez. “We are excited to say we will even discount your medical bill by 15% if you sign up with your student ID for a Prom Pump! Drink up!”
At press time, Duncan was alerting the police they could expect to arrest him for public urination outside of the Hoboken University Medical Center and attempting to give an EMT a Rock Bottom.